“Oh, my gosh, is it not like the cutest thing ever?  And I totally think that the makeover I gave her helped.

“Well, yeah, he loved her before, but this way she was, like, irresistible!  Don’t you think so?”

(Camera pans to Ryan, sitting next to her, looking stoically mortified.) 

“Um, I’m just relieved.

“Yeah, when I was sitting at Jim’s desk, before he came back, Pam kept…looking at me.  And then he came back, and I was moved to Dwight’s other side, which was horrific in its own way, and I kept seeing both of them give each other these tortured looks.

“Well, Pam usually did it when Karen would come over to visit him.  Jim would do it when Karen didn’t get one of his jokes, or before Roy gave up on her and he’d come beg her to take him back.”

“Oh, I know!  Karen’s nice enough, and she’s totally gorgeous, but Jim just wasn’t as happy with her as he was with Pam—even when Pam was engaged.

“And now they are so cute!  I never thought that Roy and Pam were that cute—I was just being polite that one time.  I’m so glad that she chose Jim because it’s way more romantic this way.  But I’m totally not saying that Roy isn’t hot, because he really is, especially since Pam dumped him.”

“So…you think DUIs are hot?”

“Well, after the DUI, obviously.  And the beard.  Definitely the beard.  It’s like, all tragical and stuff.  Seriously hot.”

(Ryan contemplates bolting before the next request comes.) 

“Ryan!  You should totally grow a beard!”

(Too late.)