Story Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
titles taken from Damien Rice's 'Cheers Darlin', because it's just too perfect
titles taken from Damien Rice's 'Cheers Darlin', because it's just too perfect
Author's Chapter Notes:
in which jim re-imagines some angst on the drive back from new york.
Girls have always talked about his 'sensitivity'.
That magical quality they imagine they've found in him and cannot find in another man. Always with the 'i can't believe you noticed's' or the 'just hold me's' until he can't remember who he really is. Does he love them or just the smell of them? Does he find beauty in the small things because they've told him he must?
Pam might not have really been so beautiful in the way she carefully licked stamps like she was afraid they would melt. Might not have been so adorable when she self-consciously fixed her hair. Maybe, even though each time she'd done these things he'd felt his stomach jump and heard his brain telling him to look away, it wouldn't have been so tough to just forget all about it.
Now he's just embarrassed. It's enfuriating, the things she can do to him. The things she had done to him.
"I think it's time I took you home, woman." Roy's voice breaking the silence, only half-joking as he sauntered into the office. Her soft, embarrassed laugh reverberating through the room, making his ears feel hot and his stomach burn.
"I still have things I have to do." Her whispered reply making him swallow, lick his lips which were suddenly dry and metallic tasting.
"Yeah you do, but I’ll be at home babe, not here." Even without looking up Jim could see the leer, could see Pam's darkening blush and lowered head.
And for all the money in the world he can't help the picture that pops into his head at the memory, the one of her all flushed and naked, sprawled on a bed with her eyes closed and her breathing labored. And in his mind she's begging for something, but not from him. No, she's begging her man, someone with the balls and the brawn and all the things nobody's ever told him he had.
"I love you, but you're just... You're funny, ya know? And you're sooo nice but..."
The first girlfriend he'd ever had, dumping him because of unexpected hesitancy. He can’t help that he had been scared by her need and his own. He just hadn't wanted to hurt her..
But the thing is, he reasons now, he's just left a woman in a hotel room, turned and walked out on her because of an old yogurt lid. So there's really nothing kind about him anymore, is there? He feels like one big sneer, like kissing Pam until she can't really breathe anymore, until his hands on her hips leave little tiny bruises.
For all the times he had to watch her with him, for all the times he had to fucking see them together. For all the times she knew exactly what she was doing...
"Going out with Katie this weekend?" He had been startled out of eating an orange, and had dropped a section onto the table, looking all flustered.
“What? Oh uh, yeah probably. How uh… How about you?” He had smiled then, regaining his composure quickly. He was always fluid in his transition from heart-pounding excitement to easy-going banter.
“Well, it would be pretty weird if she and I went out, don’t you think?” He rolled his eyes and popped a section of orange into his mouth.
“So lame.” He muttered around the fruit, until she responded
“But I mean, if you’re into that kind of thing…” And she had winked, openly and obviously winked, and he had choked on the orange like his life was a Charlie Brown cartoon, unable to respond as she sauntered away.
Thinking about it now it’s so obvious, so clear that she had known. And he isn’t so much mad as he is bitter, as he is so fucking ready to just have her. He doesn’t think he can be so Sensitive anymore, because he doesn’t quite think he ever really was.
Chapter End Notes:
this feels like it will end up being pretty long. feedback, of any sort, is always greatly appreciated. Greatly.
