Jim walked up to Pam’s doorstep and stood silently for a moment. As it was a year ago, everything was on the line. He knocked on the door as his heart beat so fast it felt like it was trying to escape the prison of his chest. He shoved his hands into the comfort zone of his pockets. All his anticipation and nerves were centered on this moment. He shifted his weight on his feet as he often did in response to overwhelming situations. The view of the ground filled his gaze as he looked down to collect his thoughts. It seemed like an eternity before the door knob finally started to turn.
Pam jumped out of her skin when she heard the knock on her door. He’s here. She smoothed out her shirt and ran her fingers through her hair one more time. She stood in front of her door for just a moment and took a deep breath before reaching for the door knob. She quietly mumbled to herself, “Don’t blow it this time,” as she turned the knob.
The door opened to reveal a radiant Pam standing before Jim. She was beautiful everyday, but this moment literally knocked the breath right out of him. A smile snuck out of the corner of his mouth to accompany his awe filled eyes. He relished the freedom of being able to look at her freely without wondering if she can see into his soul. His eyes literally invited Pam to read every page of his feelings for her.
“Hey,” Pam greeted him warmly. He looked amazing. After watching him come to work in ill-fitting suits, it was refreshing to see him in something so comfortable and so him. Even more to her delight was seeing his disheveled hair lying across his forehead. Her Jim had returned from wherever he’d been hiding all year. His eyes sparkled with warmth and exuberance in sharp contrast to the emptiness that dominated his face for so long. She smiled at the thought of his return, and sent him another warm welcome with her eyes. She could finally let him see how much she loves him, without fear or obstacles.
“Hey . . . Wow, you look beautiful.”
“Thanks. You look good, too.” She was thrilled with his compliment, but the look on his face when she opened the door was more than enough for her. She could’ve sworn she felt his love wrapping around her. Pam’s eyes again wandered up to his hair and she couldn’t help but smile a little wider. Jim’s rolled his eyes up and then back at her. He knew she was calling attention to his hair and was a little amused by her response.
“Yeah . . . I, uh . . . It has a mind of its own.” He smiled sheepishly, a little embarassed at all the attention his hair was recieving. However, he could find some relief in the thought that Meredith wasn't here calling him "sexy,hot."
“Better.”
Jim smiled wider and locked his eyes with hers more intensely. It was his way of telling her he had really back just as she wished he would. It wasn’t just his hair, it was everything. She found what he’d kept hidden since the words, “I can’t,” shut him down. What’s more, she helped him see he didn’t need to fear the man who loved her. Hope he hid away for so long was finally coming back to life.
Pam was mesmerized. It took her a few moments to recover. “Um, why don’t you come inside,” she offered after realizing she was being rude by having him stand outside.
“Sure.”
She was surprised by how much comfort came from Jim’s presence in her apartment. In all the years she knew him, he’d never been to her home. It felt like he belonged there and with her.
“This is really nice. Even with just the one kitchen.” Jim’s nerves sent him to his fallback of humor. He simply couldn’t help but make a joke to calm the butterflies in his stomach. Pam laughed. She hadn’t thought about that conversation in months. It was one of those bittersweet memories Pam wished had a better ending.
“I still say you got taken.” He chuckled at his own joke. Pam joined in with her own giggles soon after. How he loved that sound. His eyes continued to scan his surroundings. The apartment was small, but cozy and warm. Just like Pam.
“So, you ready to go?”
“I just need to grab my purse.”
“Okay.”
Her purse wasn’t in its usual spot and Pam struggled to remember where she had left it. It finally dawned on her that it was in her bedroom. “I’ll be right back.” Earlier, she had intended to switch her purse over to something that fit her outfit a little better than her usual black barrel shaped purse. It would take a few seconds to make the switch, but she needed a little time to let Jim’s presence sink in anyway. The combination of incredible joy and nerves was little overwhelming. A quiet moment and a deep breath would do a world of good.
Finding himself alone, Jim wandered over to Pam’s makeshift art studio situated in the corner of her living room. He flicked on the halogen light and illuminated her creativity. The top of the table was strewn with half finished drawings, pencils and paint brushes. He lifted pages to see the works that were obscured and was impressed by her skill. A proud smile formed on his lips. Somehow she managed to put her warmth on cold sheets of paper. Just as she did this afternoon.
Pam emerged from her bedroom and was surprised to see Jim poking around her paintings. “I never pegged you for a snoop.” She said with a playful air of sarcasm, hoping to make him laugh or smile. It felt like a dream to see her two loves connected just as they were on her bookshelf. A dream she never allowed herself to believe until this moment.
Jim was startled by her voice as it summoned from his own little world. However, he recovered his poise quickly, “These are really good, Pam.”
She smiled, “Thanks.” Pam walked over towards him and took her place by his side. “I’m still working on these. They’re projects for one of my classes.”
“Do you still have the paintings from your art show?”
Her brow became knotted with confusion at Jim’s request. Her art show was a sore spot and she couldn’t imagine why Jim was asking about it. “Um, yeah. I think they’re around here somewhere. Why?”
“I’m sorry I didn’t show up that night. I should’ve been there. I’m hoping I can make it up to you.” Deep sincerity was all over his face. Jim had wanted to attend the show, but his own fears and insecurities got in the way. Now was his chance to set things right and let her know he’d always be there for her.
Pam nodded in acceptance of his apology. The wound of that evening had finally healed. She pulled out the portfolio that held her art show paintings along with a few others. Jim happily began paging through them. One in particular caught his attention and he held it up.
“This needs Jell-O,” he said of her watercolor rendition of a stapler. Both chuckled at the thought of Jim’s signature prank. He replaced the painting in the portfolio and continued his trek into Pam’s work. She watched him page through her work and reveled in the smile on his face. The moment was perfect, but she couldn’t shake the question that continued to linger in the back of her mind. The timing wasn’t perfect, but she didn’t want to let herself fall too much further without knowing the boundaries.
“Jim.”
“Yeah.” He immediately noticed her serious demeanor.
She dug deep to summon all the courage she had, “What happened in New York?” She asked him gently, but also with enough intensity to let him know this is important for her to know. Pam knew she couldn’t corner Jim too tightly, as she’d see him run too many times.
He looked at her stunned. Fancy New Beesly certainly wasn’t holding back. It was going to take a while for Jim to get used to this blunt and straight forward version of Pam. He loved this new aspect of her, but nonetheless it was a little jarring. Jim knew her inquiry was about Karen, but he could scarcely believe Pam was initiating the subject now. He figured the topic would come up eventually, but thought he would be the one to do it. He had no idea how to go about telling her everything that has happened to him in the last 24 hours. He was still trying to sort through it all himself. Putting his emotions into eloquent words was never one of Jim’s talents. He’s had so much practice holding them in, that letting them out became almost unthinkable. Fear is a powerful barrier. He looked away from her for a moment desperately trying to find an answer. After a small pause he looked her right in the eye.
“It wasn’t for me.” The answer was simple, but for him it told her everything. None of it was for him, New York, the job, and Karen no longer fit the man he wanted to be.
She nodded, but maintained eye contact with Jim. Her eyes told him she needed to know more than that, even though she knew what he meant with his answer. Jim had indeed come home, but that didn’t negate the fact that she needed unequivocal verification that Karen was out of the picture. It didn’t matter how much she loved Jim, she would not cross into the waters of being the other woman. Pam scrounged up another round of courage and decided to cut to the chase, albeit tenderly.
“What about –-”
“It’s over.” Jim interrupted her before Karen’s name made an appearance. It was all over; Karen, running away, and denying his feelings for Pam were all part of his past. It felt good to let the weight on his shoulders fall away.
Pam again nodded in acknowledgement, “Okay.” A slight smile of relief graced her lips. The possibility of a real future with Jim had just become even more plausible. Jim smiled back in return feeling the same hope that lived in Pam.
Jim returned his attention to Pam’s artwork, but he absently thumbed through them. Pam deserved to know more, but his old habit of holding back kept him from taking her in his arms and surrendering his heart. He may have found the courage to allow himself feel his emotions, but he hadn’t found enough to express them out in the open. Pam immediately noticed Jim pensive state, but knew better than to push him. She didn’t say a word, instead she softly touched his arm to coax him into talking; I’m listening.
Her touch gave him goose bumps. It was so soothing and so Pam. He turned and looked deeply into her eyes. It had been ages since he completely trusted her, but he found himself completely enraptured by her presence.
“I got your note.” His voice was soft and timid, yet teeming with a torrent of emotion. There was so much more he wanted to tell her about that moment in Wallace’s office, but the words just wouldn’t come. He wanted to tell her how much it meant to him, how it meant everything to him. The feelings of “thank you” and “I love you” swirled in his head, but silence ensued. Instead it all danced across his face: You saved me.
Pam understood every word he didn’t say. His soul was open to her and she felt every piece of him. She knew he needed her just as much as she needed him. Pam took one step closer to Jim and wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled him close to her. It was a bold move, but Pam never felt such a strong need to be near him. Jim hardly knew how to respond at first. All of the sudden her arms surrounded him and her cheek was against his. His body shuddered at her touch; his thoughts fell silent as he let the moment sink in. His arms naturally flowed around her. He held on tight and breathed her into his being. The warmth he had felt all day was finally in his arms.
Pam let her hands fall down onto Jim’s chest, but she didn’t pull away. She looked up and met Jim’s gaze knowing she was exactly where she belonged. She couldn’t help but wonder what took her so long to find her place with him. She should have been here years ago.
He couldn’t tear his eyes from her face. It was so beautiful and serene. Almost beyond his control, he lightly touched her cheek. He wanted to kiss her, but his fears soon took over. The last time he found himself in this position his heart was laying at his feet in pieces. The memory of that evening was paralyzing even in the midst of a perfect moment. All he could muster was a soft kiss on her cheek. He lingered longer than he should have, completely lost in the touch of her skin.
Pam was electrified by Jim’s touch. His breath on her cheek was warm and inviting. Pam knew he wanted to kiss her, but she saw the fear in his eyes. The origin of that fear was painfully clear. All she wanted to do was stop the bleeding and show him nothing has to hurt anymore. She knew of only one way to break through his barrier. As he began to slowly retreat from her, his mouth moved just past hers. At just the right moment, she leaned in and delicately kissed him.
Jim’s senses overloaded from Pam’s unexpected touch. Her kiss was sweeter than he remembered and all he imagined. It gave him all the reassurance he needed to push his fears aside. He reciprocated with a deeper, yet sweetly tender kiss. There was no thinking, no expectations and no hurt. Just promise.
