Jim had done it again. He had been fierce in his lovemaking with Karen. She had, of course, taken it as a sign that his desire for her was so strong he was unable to hold back. She could not have been further from the truth. The first time he kissed Karen, he had closed his eyes and pictured Pam’s lips. Kissing Karen was not at all how kissing Pam had been. With Pam it was soft, tender, dreamy, lovely, erotic, magic, poetic, perfect. With Karen it was hard and eager. He had been aroused by Karen’s hunger, allowing himself the luxury of pretending it was Pam.  

He and Karen had shared a fairly active sex life for a few short months. Each time they had done it, it was Pam whose face he saw behind his closed eyes. As his hands ran up and down Karen’s bony spine, it was Pam’s curvy outline he was touching inside his mind. His fingers played with Karen’s mosquito bite boobs while his imagination cupped Pam’s luscious breasts. He was rock hard all the time longing for Pam, disguising it as his need for Karen.   

He hated himself for deceiving Karen, but he had flat out told her he still had feelings for Pam and all she wanted to do was ‘talk it through’. He didn’t want to talk about it with her, or with anybody. What he felt for Pam had been his alone for so long that in a strange way it comforted him, knowing it was there. He was able to pull it out when he needed to remember what it was like to feel.

Karen lay sleeping in his bed, in his t-shirt. He really couldn’t stand it when she wore his clothes, it made her seem even more possessive than she actually was. But as usual, he said nothing. He kept his silence because he needed her, needed her to Pam’s stunt double, her stand-in. He felt the bile rise inside his throat as he thought, again, of how he was using her. It was so unfair of him, this he knew, yet he remained inactive.  

He had sworn to himself that this was going to be the night he finally ended it with her. He didn’t owe her any big explanation, he never pretended to be serious with her, he had basically went along with everything she had said in the relationship. He cared about her, yeah, but not in a way that she wanted him to. He did not love her. He was desperate to be free of her but paralyzed from action. 

Seeing Pam leave with Roy tonight had put him over the edge.  

“God Jim, you are on fire!” Karen exclaimed as he thrust himself into her over and over. 

All of his frustration, anger, jealousy and outrage, he poured into Karen, who was flattered by it.  

Misinterpretation. He had come to despise that word. And despise himself for what it had done to him.