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She had never seen it coming, not then, not really. Back then she hadn’t been considering Jim at all. He was the music that got under her skin and made her feel good Monday through Friday, but he wasn’t a real possibility, he wasn’t supposed to ask for anything back. That was the way it had been for the past couple of years, and she had never really considered that it would change.
The absence of feeling, anything, had been ten years in the making. Then, decimated, by a two-minute spark, pressed against Jim’s desk. But, all that time of not feeling . . . anything, had left its mark. It took all of her to tell him she was still going to marry Roy. The look on his face had made her instantly regret it, but there was no way she could stop the words from coming out of her mouth.
But then absolutely everything had changed. For Pam it had not been walking over those coals, or the disappointment over her art show, or even the fact that she had cooked all those hot dogs while everyone else participated in Michael’s games. If she was being honest with herself, and these days, she was making a serious effort to do just that, it had been the sight of Karen and Jim sitting together in front of the fire that night. What did it, was the overwhelming certainty that if any more time passed, without her saying anything, there would be no hope for a second chance, and she needed a second chance, Karen would have her Jim, yes her Jim, and the thought of that pushed the words out of her mouth faster than she could think about the consequences.
Today had been the beginning of dealing with the consequences of those words that had been so hard to fathom, and she had absolutely no idea what to expect next. On the way home she had hummed along mindlessly to the songs on the radio. And then, in her living room she had stood completely still in the middle of the room, her mind everywhere at once, and at the same time completely frozen. This was really going to happen.
Were you going to ask me something?
Jim is watching her and she can feel his memories emanating off of him. The music dances between them, and for a moment she sees herself pass like a shadow over his features, and it makes her sad, because his eyes look sad, like maybe he is worried she is going to change her mind. She forgets what she was going to say, and instead:
What happened today?
Quietly, but not without humor:
Well, I didn’t get offered a job, broke up with a girlfriend, and then asked another girl I have liked for a long time out . . . so long day.
Sipping wine, perched on his sofa, has become excruciating. There was so much to say, too much to say, but the words are drifting just out of her reach. A melody shifts restlessly in her head, but she can’t remember the words, and that was always her problem, she never knows the right words to anything.
Let’s see, today I became the secret assistant to the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton for like . . . five hours.
Sounds good so far.
Watched Creed clip his nails.
Riveting.
Did you know he saves those things?
And also . . . just so wrong.
And oh, I got asked out on a date by this really amazing guy, so I can kind of relate . . . yeah it was a long day.
They both laugh at that, until Jim is looking at her that way (she thinks about that time on the boat, the look had been there then, and she remembers thinking if he kisses me right now, I am kissing him back even though it is wrong), and for the first time, she can look back. She bites her bottom lip and Jim . . .
The doorbell startles them both.
Dinner, he says, putting down his glass.
Dinner? I thought we were . . .
She stops herself with a smile as she sees the food delivery bag.
Joie Luck Kitchen? Wow. That is going to get you at least two Schrute bucks.
Do I want to know what that means?
Probably not. But seriously, this is my favorite place, and I haven’t had it since, the last time we had it at lunch.
Before I left?
Yeah.
She blushes a little, but looks him the eye.
It had been a normal lunch on a normal day, the day before everything had gone topsy-turvy. He’d smiled when she touched his arm as they plotted out their next move on Dwight, and she remembered now, how wonderful and perfect it had all seemed.
I wasn’t kidding about missing you.
He hands her the last cheese won ton.
Their fingers touch and butterfly wings rustle low, and she smiles because he always gives her the last won ton, and maybe her Jim really is back.
Jim’s Ipod continues to shuffle through songs, and as they eat, Pam feels her chest, and then her shoulders and then finally her cheeks get warm as she listens to the words of the song that is playing, this one she recognizes instantly.
What?
Um, the night we swayed?
I still call it dancing. Yeah, I remember. Your hair smelled like cherries and vanilla, and I was kind of out of it, and I just kept thinking about what to say next.
Pam didn’t have any words for that, and the music was filling her brain, and all she could think about were all those moments, the almost moments, when things had been so close to happening, and all the times she had stopped them . . .
Author's Chapter Notes:
More of Jim and Pam's first date. I am taking it slow, but things will pick up for them soon.
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for all the kind reviews. I haven't had a chance to respond to everybody, but i do appreciate the awesome words of encouragement on this.
New chapter coming soon.
New chapter coming soon.
