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I have kissed honey lips

Felt the healing in her fingertips

They burned like fire

This burning desire   

 ~~~~~~~

The plan was to leave early in the morning.  Get a jump on the traffic.  His car was loaded down and ready, the route was mapped. 

He had all good intentions.  He had shut the alarm off before it rang out.  He hadn’t really slept much, just a fitful hour or so.  Had his shower, shaved his face and dressed in the only unpacked pair of jeans.  But now he sat on the patio in the early morning darkness, drinking coffee.  He felt too heavy to move and so he sat and promised himself he would get up and head to the car as soon as he was done with his coffee. 

He leaned back in the chair, put his feet up on the bench and covered his eyes with his hands.  Nothing was right, everything felt wrong.  He shouldn’t have done it, but he did.  He should have done it differently, been more insistent, more forceful.  Maybe if he’d begged her.  No, no.  He should stay and see it through.  Maybe if they talked again.  No, he needed to get the hell out, he couldn’t take it anymore.   Maybe he could learn to be her friend so there could still be something, he could still have a little of her.  No, no, he’d always want more.  He’d always want everything. 

“You can.”  He said it out loud in the darkness.  To no one.  That’s what I should have said.  I should have told her it would be so easy, it would be the easiest thing in the world.  You wouldn’t have to do anything but let go.  I would do everything and all you’d have to do is love me.  I’d make you see how things could be, how happy we could be. 

He shouldn’t have let her push him away.  What?  Force himself on her?  One more kiss, just one more.  That might have made the difference.  He should have.  But he walked away.  He let go of her hands and walked out the door and she let him.

He rubbed his eyes and looked around. 

“Enough.”

He altered the route on the way out of town a bit.  He drove by the office, through the parking lot.  The sun just peeking out, he sat for a moment, staring at the spot where they had stood. 

“Enough.”

On the approach to the Delaware Bridge spanning Lake Wallenpaupack, he rolled down his window and let the cool air bring his thoughts around and dry the tears on his cheeks. 

He imagined Pam standing on the near side of the bridge and he slowed down, keeping his tires on solid ground as long as he could.  If he’s going to do it, he’s got to go all in.  All in, just like she’d said.  He imagined that driving over the bridge and on to Stamford was the end of all of it.  All he had to do was let up on the brake and drive.  If he looked in his rear view mirror, he’d see the bridge vanishing into vapor.  Scranton, the office, Pam, all gone.  All he had to do was drive over that bridge and the crushing ache in his chest would be gone.  He wouldn’t have to wonder anymore, because it would be done.

He wiped his face, gripped the wheel, released the brake and the car began to roll forward.  He had no idea what he was driving toward, but he knew what he was leaving behind.