I can’t believe I spent so many years with Roy. At first, it was pretty thrilling. I was that geeky kid that nobody wanted to sit next to at the lunch table and he was the strong, athletic, hunk of a man that every girl swooned over. Lucky for me, we’d met outside of school so he didn’t realize that until about two months after we’d started dating. I knew if we’d met at school he wouldn’t have dated me. I probably should have realized that meant I shouldn’t be with him. If the circumstances had been different, we wouldn’t be together. He wouldn’t have wanted to be. I think that makes all the difference in the world.

Circumstances have never been right for Jim and I, but I still genuinely think he wants to be with me… Or at least wanted to. I kind of want to be with him too, but I think it’s just my loneliness settling and the idea he planted in my mind. My mother used to say that confessions of love are an aphrodisiac. She’d tell me that you could fall into so many different predicaments and horrible relationships just because somebody said he liked you. You don’t even have to like him back, but the possibility of being pursued, well that’s something that turns you on.

It’s like that with Jim, and I don’t want it to be. He doesn’t realize it. I don’t want to hurt him by thinking I like him, and then realize it was just his confession that did me in. I’ve already hurt enough guys. And I’ve already been in enough rotten relationships… Okay, so I’ve been in one, but if he was the most sought after guy in the school, why would geeky, nerdy Jim be any better? There’s a reason Roy was so popular. If he was rotten judgment, I can’t imagine what Jim would be.

He’s just not worth it, I suppose. I’ve decided not to date anyone. I’ve sworn off dating. I’m done with it. At least for now. No man is worth the pain love causes.

(Who d'ya think you're kiddin'?
He's the earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
you're thinkin' of)

Everyone is always trying to tell me how I feel about him. Meredith will say things about how snazzy he looks, and Phyllis is always all over how cute we are together. It’s almost like she assumes she could have missed some hook up. Angela is always giving me evil glares. Michael is always teasing me about it. I’m just so sick of people assuming there is something going on.

We’re just friends. That’s all we’ll ever be. Best friends. So what if I think he’s attractive? There’s not a single girl that wouldn’t. I mean, hell, he looks good. But that doesn’t mean we’re in love or that there’s chemistry between us or anything. We’re just friends. If we happen to be looking at each other, usually it’s because we’re willing the other person to turn around so we can send eye messages about how much of a dweeb Dwight is. Just because you look at someone or have fun with them doesn’t mean there’s anything happening.

Besides, he’s got a girlfriend, Karen. So I don’t know why anyone would think something would be going on between us. He’s not the type to cheat on his girlfriend, and I am definitely not the type to be the “other woman”, home wrecker, whatever you want to call it. Not that I’d really be a home wrecker since they aren’t married and they don’t have children, but still. I’m just not that kind of girl.

I’m allowed to smile and laugh when I’m with him. It’s not that hard to imagine that two people can be just friends. Seriously. If I was acting the same way around Angela or Kelly, nobody would accuse me of having a crush on them. I don’t see why it’s any different because Jim has a penis. Grow up, people. We’re just friends.

No chance, no way I won't say it, no, no
(You swoon, you sigh Why deny it, uh-oh)
It's too cliché I won't say I'm in love

I will say that I enjoy him more than anyone else in my life. Even my mother, and everyone knows how much I love my mommy. But it’s a different kind of enjoyment, not the sexual kind where I want him to throw me against the wall and fuck me mercilessly… Well, maybe I wouldn’t mind that. He is rather dishy. But it’s not that with him. With him it’s more that I want to play pranks on unsuspecting coworkers, laugh about what was on TV last night, and do silly things like buy 69 cups of Ramen Noodles. It’s not the emotional tumult that is love. That’s for sure.

If I was in love with Jim, like so many people seem to assume I am, it would be different. I would feel weird… Floaty, maybe? I’m not really sure how to describe it. It’s a weird occurrence, being in love. I’m actually not sure if I’m the best one to explain it because honestly, I’m not sure if I ever was really in love with Roy… Okay, that’s a lie. At some point, I was madly, passionately in love with Roy. But was it worth it? Were those feelings of love worth the heartbreak that is now? I don’t think so, but they’re a distant memory. I can’t remember.

I’m just so sick of hearing the phrase “in love”. What the hell does that mean, anyway? How is that any different than just loving someone? I don’t know. And I’m not in love with Jim. It’s just so… I don’t know. How many girls say “I’m in love with my best friend” and then giggle and eat ice cream and get fat because of it? I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s a lot. I’m not going to be that girl. Nope. I am not in love with Jim.

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming, get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out, Oh

It’s just a friendly love between us. Of course I love him. He’s my best friend, I’ve known him for years and years. I tell all of my girlfriends I love them, why is Jim any different? Besides, I love our relationship. I love that we can laugh and have fun and not have to worry about anything except being together. Maybe I am starting to see him as more than that, but I can easily push those feelings and thoughts away. It’s not like he’s overcome me or anything. He’s just Jim. He’s just that best friend I always wanted but never had. Yes, I love him. But in love? Of course not. I don’t do that anymore.

(You keep on denyin'
Who you are and how you're feelin'
Baby, we're not buyin'
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceilin'
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That you got, got, got it bad?)
Whoa

Kelly keeps telling me how cute we look together. I believe her, of course. Jim could make Janet Reno look cute. The camera crew is always showing me little clips of how I smile when he’s around, and yeah, sure, it looks like more than a smile, but it isn’t… It’s kind of embarrassing, actually, when they bring it up. Sure, I’m a girl. What girl doesn’t swoon and stammer when a cute guy talks to her? Even Jim. I think it’s just a part of being a girl. Just a part of being friends with a boy. Seeing him grin and seeing a bit of his shirt tail untucked. What girl wouldn’t imagine why it was untucked? And what girl wouldn’t be disappointed when she found out it was just because he went to the bathroom?

Yeah, of course I feel a little light and giddy when he comes around. I know what’s coming. The smiles, the laughter, the fun pranks. And of course on camera it looks like more. Doesn’t the camera add some sort of romantic drama to everything? I know they add ten pounds, but I think it’s ten pounds of fake romance. But yeah, my heart does skip a little beat every time he looks at me… And I do sometimes dream about him.. Sometimes when I’m playing Solitaire, I’m not going to lie, I imagine us in bed together… But that’s only because I’m imagining the orgasm… It’s not really us I’m imagining… It’s just the act. That yummy act. Mmm.

No chance, no way I won't say it, no, no
(Give up, give in
Check the grin--you're in love)
This scene won't play I won't say I'm in love
(You're doin' flips Read our lips: you're in love)

My mom keeps telling me it’s love. I don’t know how she even knows about Jim enough to make that declaration. I mean, I hardly ever talk about him. He just happens to enter the conversation because I have a lot of fun with him at work, and he’s my best friend. It’s like when Harry Met Sally. Two people can be best friends forever without romantic crap getting in the way. I never saw the end of that movie, but I’m sure it’s true.

Yes, when he’s around I seem to relax and let these huge, goofy smiles cover my entire face. But he’s hilarious. Any girl would tell you that. Any gay guy would too. He’s just cute and funny and everything any girl would want. Maybe if I hadn’t sworn off men after Roy, I might be interested, but I did. I’m done with men for now. Not that I’m on to women or anything, but I’m done with men.

Except sometimes, when he looks at me, my stomach gets twisted and starts doing somersaults inside of my body… I’m sure that’s normal. It’s probably just the yogurt I ate for lunch. It’s bound to go bad every now and then, isn’t it?

You're way off base
I won't say it
Get off my case
I won't say it
(Girl, don't be proud
It's O.K. you're in love)

So he does make me feel a bit like a princess. Like I could conquer anything or do anything I wanted to. I never felt that way with Roy… That’s how I know this is different. I was in love with Roy, and I felt completely different than I do with Jim. Jim makes me happy to be alive. He puts smiles on my face, he makes me laugh. He makes me want to dress up in the morning, want to look my best. He makes me want to go to work, and he makes me feel like I’m flying. That’s so different from what I’ve felt before. He’s a special man; we have a special relationship. That’s all. Nothing different about us, other than how loud my heart beats when our hands touch, or when I catch him staring at me.

Oh
At least out loud
I won't say I'm in love

Okay, universe, you win. I'm in love.