To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Where did you get that sweater, missTJ Maxx?

Thanks for all your help last night. Little Hannah will have her hands full this weekend! I know she’ll love you. It will be so cool for her to get to hang out with someone that’s not old and wrinkly, but isn’t five. I know she’ll be thrilled. Seriously, thanks for offering to come to the fair and make fun food and have a sleepover with her this weekend. I know you have better things you could do.

So, I was rereading my Harry Potter books last night. Honestly, why would you ever name a character Harry Potter? That’s such an odd name. It’s like naming your child Moonshine Horseshoe. It’s just ridiculous. Do you agree, or do you agree?

Your legs look very nice today.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Sorority clothing

Sure, anytime. I think a day or two away will be just what she needs. Junk food always makes a girl feel better.

Harry Potter is as equivalently strange as the name Jim Halpert.

And shut up.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Marmelade skies

But I’m actually serious... Your legs DO look good today.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

That’s what Carlos/Freddie said.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Snarfblasters

Maybe I won’t let you hang out with my niece this weekend…. That was just… I’m speechless.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: nail polish

Think about what’s best for Hannah, not what makes you feel awkward.

Are you ready for our tenth question? We’re almost halfway done, how scary is that? I feel like we just started being awkward.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Show me the money!

I’m always ready.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Freddie got fingered

Question Ten: What do you look for in a partner?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Solitaire

A partner… for ping-pong? Um, has to be Chinese, wear white outfits, and be able to run fast.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: 1979 Dodgeball Champion

What do you look for in a woman? To be your girlfriend, wife, etc. Also, an addition: Paint for me a picture of your perfect date with your perfect girl.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: I need mo’ allowance!

What do I look for in a woman? Well, let’s see. She has to be absolutely gorgeous. I love green eyes, and curly blondish-brownish hair. She has to have a pretty laugh… I don’t mind if her legs are a little strange, as long as the rest of her is beautiful. She has to smile more than she frowns. She has to have a pretty voice—not one of those scratchy voices that makes you want to hang up the phone. She better like jelly beans, have good taste in music, and have a great sense of humor and a knack for pulling off a prank. She needs to be spontaneous, yet still organized. She has to be able to put up with me. If she can make dirty jokes, that’s a major plus. She needs to be sensible, and sensitive to me and my feelings. And she has to be willing to be silly every now and then…

My perfect date with my perfect girl would consist of me and her going out to dinner and laughing the entire time… Maybe we’d go back to my place and watch crappy reality television, and then perhaps she’d fall asleep on my couch. She’d look so adorable sleeping I wouldn’t want to wake her up. I guess we would just have a good conversation and lots of fun together.

Does that satisfy?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Phase 10

Wow, she sounds like a real keeper. I hope you find her.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: It’s Meredith. I can’t help it. She just turns me on.

It’s your turn to answer.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Maybe you can have a three way with her and Creed

Okay. I guess I look for a man who knows how to treat a woman right. He has to be loving and caring and want to spend time with me more than he wants to spend time with his beer or his brother or anybody else. He has to be strong, but he has to use his strength to stick up for me, not to put me down. He has to be emotionally strong, but not afraid to let me in and tell me what’s bothering him. He has to feel comfortable telling me anything, and he can’t be on a power trip just because he’s the male. He needs to remember what I talk to him about and make efforts to change if I ask… And I would like for him to have an iPod, so I can listen to it.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: It’s a boys

Okay, and what does this character look like? And the date?

Good luck finding one of those.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Scooby-doo!

Oh, right, sorry. He has shaggy brown hair that falls around his face… I don’t care what color eyes, but blue is nice… I’m done with big and burly, I want him to look normal. He’s got to be tall. I want to be able to look up to him when I kiss him and put my arms around his neck. And he has to have a great butt and amazing thighs…

And our date would consist of me and him seeing a play, having grilled cheese sandwiches on the rooftop, and swaying to music because contrary to popular belief, swaying is dancing.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: You’ve got mail

See, I hate it when people think swaying isn’t dancing. It so totally is.

So, should I just call you in the morning when Hannah wakes up? I’m driving down to get her in a minute, and we’ll get back in late tonight. I don’t know, what do you want to do?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Black pants

Jim, relax. It’s going to be fine, and she’s going to love hanging out with Uncle J-bone. What girl wouldn’t? Just give me a call in the morning when you’re up and ready to go do something. If I don’t hear from you by 10:30, I’ll call you. I think I have your number around here somewhere.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cell phones

Oh please, I know I’m your six.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Bop to the top!

You are my six. And I’m yours, aren’t I?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Here’s a quarter, call someone who cares

Yep. We gotta match.

WHAT IS DWIGHT WEARING?!?!!?!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Pittsburgh

I don’t know, but it’s dayum funny.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Battleship

Michael and Dwight are playing battleship. Dwight called out “You missed!” and Michael said “That’s what she said.” And Dwight said, “Who’s she?” and Michael said “Your mom.” Dwight looked mortified.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: The Chinese

Sudoku. Level: Moderate. Time: 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: After college, it’s called alcoholism

Oh my gosh, COME BAAAAAACK!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Q-tips

Your mother called. She wants to know if you’ve been using her fabric softener. She says call her back on Dad’s phone. She flushed hers down the toilet.

I find out so much about people by being a receptionist.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: HP Laserjet 1140

The woman from the American Girl store called for Angela today to tell her that her order is in. I nearly laughed my ass off.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: 4:28

I can’t stand it anymore. I’m leaving. It’s so boring without you. See you tomorrow.