To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Ducks QUACK QUACK

Wow… I’m writing this from home and emailing it to myself as well because I know Monday morning I’ll want to remember how ridiculously stupid I sound seeing as I’m writing this email at one in the morning. I just can’t sleep. And it’s one of those things where it might be smarter to email someone else, but I don’t know who else I could email. My best friend is an eight year old… My other best friend (boyfriend? Man I go on amazing dates with?) is the reason I can’t seem to fall asleep. So I don’t know. I’d email my mother but she doesn’t know how to turn on her computer, and my sister would probably just shoot me for being so lightheaded. She just came out of a divorce, she’s a bit cynical now.

So here I am, at one in the morning on Saturday, just an hour and fifteen minutes after you walked me to my door. I changed out of my “date outfit” and into my pajamas and crawled in bed, but I couldn’t stop smiling so I just kind of laid there and tossed and turned for a while, and now here I am, sitting at my computer, typing you this email that I probably never should have even started.

I really had a lot of fun tonight. I know that I always have fun with you, so dinner at Cuginos and a walk around Lake Scranton really shouldn’t excite me this much, but it did. I’m sure we’ve done it before at one time or another, but it’s just different today. Getting dressed up, curling my hair, making sure my eyes smile. It’s fun to dress up if you have a reason, you know? And you looked mighty handsome. Whatever you wore really enhanced the butt and thighs aspect of your look. Giggle.

Oh my gosh, how funny was that dog today? All of the little teenagers are walking around feeding the ducks and talking smack and then that couple’s dog ran into the middle of the lake to chase the ducks! Oh man. I swear, we must have watched the dog (Riley was his name, wasn’t it?) run away from his owner for a good ten minutes. And then when the guy got in the gunk infested water and swam after the dog… Oh that was too funny! I loved it.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do to soothe myself to sleep… Maybe I’ll go take a bath.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Soothing…

I find it funny that you can’t sleep either. I had a good time tonight. Thanks for coming to dinner with me. And for watching Riley the retriever be a pain. The entire time I was watching the dog swim away and the owner swimming after it, I was picturing Michael as the dog and Dwight as the owner chasing after him. Tell me if that’s not funny.

I know I stammered it out earlier today, but you looked beautiful today. And I still don’t understand what you mean about your legs. You have great legs, silly. You just have great everything.

Maybe it excites you because it’s something new?

Remember when my ass vibrated today during dinner? It was Laura, calling to tell me that Hannah woke up happy this morning and only called her once all day (did I tell you she’s been calling Laura ten times every day while she’s at work?). She couldn’t figure out why because Han’s not really talking to her much right now, but she thinks it has something to do with me. I think it has something to do with you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Arma-get-it-on

Aww, I had just gotten up to grab a towel and my shampoo and stuff from the other room when Tim McGraw told me I have mail. It’s this new thing with my email client. You can download a celebrity’s voice and they’ll tell you when you have mail. I have Tim McGraw. I don’t know why. Well I do. Have you ever seen a nicer pair of thighs and butt? Honestly. I guess I was hoping I could see those yummy parts through the voice. Ahem.

Why didn’t you tell me you were picturing Michael and Dwight? That’s hilarious. I was picturing Dwight as the dog and Michael chasing him, honestly… And then the girlfriend cheering on the ground was Kelly. Hehe. Wow, so funny. I think we should bring a leash into work and see if we can’t get Dwight to get down on all fours. Woof! Woof!

We are so lame. smiles

I’m so glad to know she’s doing better. So glad to hear it. I’m sad she’s still not talking to her mom or Caitlin, but at least she’s talking and smiling—that’s a start. I had so much fun with her last weekend I almost forgot what she was like when I first met her. You could see a big change in her by the end of the weekend, and I was hoping she wouldn’t go back home and clam up again. I’m glad to see she’s starting to let herself go a bit.

What do you think it has to do with me?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Kurt Cobain

WOW! I am totally down for trying to get Dwight on all fours. Please try it! And also, if we can get him to bark and wear a collar, I’ll take you to China. Seriously, that would be the funniest sight ever. We should get him a personalized collar. Put his full name and then the address for the pound under it. And we can get him a collar that’s the color of beets. Oh wow. I would pay money to see Dwight bark.

We’re cute though.

Yeah, she has changed a lot. I’m just really glad to see her happy. Has she called you at all since she asked for your number. I’m just curious?

Wow, I’m about to fall asleep. I’m going to wait up for you to reply for like ten minutes, then I’m going to hit the sack. Tomorrow I’m going to the Flea Market in the morning. Maybe we can get together and play Frisbee in the afternoon?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Firecrackers

I’m trying to type this back within ten minutes! We’ll see!

Yes, on the Frisbee tomorrow. I’ll bring my happy face Frisbee that I got from Wal-Mart if you’ll bring the dorky chemistry goggles and wear your 70s khaki shorts that end high up on your thighs with the socks that go up to your knees. Please, please be Jon Heder. I actually think it’s such a turn on… Khaki shorts. Mmm.

I kind of feel weird telling you this, but you asked, and I didn’t offer the information, so it’s not too bad. Just don’t disclose it to Hannah or Laura. Yeah, I’ve been talking to her. She called me Monday night after she got my number from you, and she’s called me a few times since then. Not every night, but two or three times this week. I’m not sure why she all of a sudden woke up happy this morning. We didn’t talk about much of significance last night. Monday and Tuesday when we talked about her dad, it was a lot more of a revelation type thing. Between you and I, the reason I think she’s not talking to anyone is because everyone she can talk to is so close to the situation, if that makes sense. Maybe she feels like she’ll make Laura or Caitlin sadder by talking about it? I’m not sure, just a thought. Last night we talked about her gymnastics. Her gym has a huge meet coming up in a few weekends. Labor day weekend, I think it was. She asked if I could come, and I told her I would try my hardest. She told me I could bring you if I felt like it ;) It was funny. Anyway, her and Caitlin are both competing and apparently it’s her first big meet. So... She got off the phone right after we talked about that, though. So I don’t think it had anything to do with me. But... will you come with me?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: It’s 2:29!

That’s what she said.

Yes, I’ll go to her meet with you. I have to admit though, I am a bit jealous she’s talking to you. I want her to talk to you and get everything out, I just miss her. And I know Laura and Caitlin miss her too. Maybe next time she calls you or you call her you can tell her to talk to them a bit… I’m not going to lie, it’s kind of strange that you’re talking to my niece. Not in a bad way, it’s just… If we told a stranger about this, they’d probably think it was nuts or a little weird. But it’s not. And I trust you with her, and Laura does because I told her to. Thanks.

Did you just tell me Jon Heder turns you on? I will wear khaki shorts for you, if you promise to grant one of my wishes later. In the blind. You have to grant it, even if you don’t like it. And don’t worry, I won’t make it something awful.

Anyway, call me tomorrow morning when you wake up. I’ll talk to you then. Now, I’m off to sleep.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Jockstraps

Hi.

So I just opened our little chain of emails from Friday night, and it was just a tiny bit embarrassing. At least you wrote me back and flirted with me too. Although, in retrospect, I probably should have just emailed my sister. Not that you aren’t great, but when you dish about a boy, you should do it to your sister, not the boy.

So anyway… Dwight is wearing a shirt that says, “Scranton Male Swimsuit Competition, 2004.” Do you think he picked it up at Goodwill? I really, honest to God hope so. Oh, and I brought the leash… You know, if you want to try it.

Can I ask you something, Jim?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Czolgosz, working man

I asked Dwight about his shirt. I got the following response:

“What do you think, Jim? The Schrute’s don’t shop at Goodwill. It has a long history of selling items that mix cotton and polyester, and the Schrute family only wears 100 percent cotton at all times. Even our underwear is 100 percent cotton. I got this shirt from participating in the Scranton Male Swimsuit Competition in 2004. I was runner-up. Mose won.”

So, there you have it. I can’t imagine what his competition was if he and Mose were the top two finishers. Would you ever want to judge the Schrute family swimsuit competition?

The leash? Sweet! I have the dog collar… How are we going to manage this one?

Sure, you can ask me something.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Vera Bradley

Wow. I never pictured Dwight as 100 percent cotton. I would think he would go with the silk long johns.

I can’t imagine what the competition was. Nor do I want to. Gross.

You’ll figure it out.

What should I call you?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: TPS Reports

Call me Jim. It is my name.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Internet explorer

That’s not what I meant, and you know it.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim HalpertSubject:
Babies are for lovers

You mean our relationship? Call it whatever you want.

Can I have question twelve please?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: The kiss will know if the lips stay still

Jim, stop it. I want to know what you’re thinking.

Question Twelve: What is your biggest regret?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Elon

I don’t know, Pam. I don’t know what you want it to be. I’ve wanted to be with you for a long time, so it’s hard for me to sit here and tell you that when I’m not sure how you’re feeling or what you want out of it.

My biggest regret…. Not telling you that you shouldn’t have been with Roy. I watched you with him for so long, and I knew he wasn’t right for you, and I wanted you to be happy so bad… But I didn’t want to hurt you. I knew he wasn’t right for you, but who was I to say anything? Maybe if I’d said something to you, you would have gotten out of it earlier and avoided more heartbreak… I don’t know.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Pooperman

Hey, it’s okay to be vulnerable with me, buddy. You don’t have to be nervous about it. You know we’re friends through thick and thin.

So, you want to be with me? Is that what I heard out of there? (Not teasing, just making sure I heard you correctly)

You could have said something, but I’m not sure it would have forced me away from him at all… I mean, there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding, and you made me realize a ton of them, but still. If you’d come flat out and said it wasn’t right and that I shouldn’t marry him… I don’t know, I might have just to spite you. I was hurting so much, and you were a cause of that. I was confused… I wouldn’t regret not saying something. I have to make my own decisions, and sometimes, you have to be heartbroken to realize what you really want and need out of life.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: They Might Be Giants

I know it’s okay. It’s still hard for me, though.

Yes, I want to be with you. Listen to the Green Eyes song again and tell me if you really think the only part that reminds me of you is green eyes that smile. (Hint: What follows that line is "and I want you now.")

But, it doesn’t matter what I want if it’s not what you want.

I’m sorry I hurt you… I never meant to. I’m not sure how I did, but I’m assuming you’re talking about how I wasn’t a good friend to you. I don’t know, Pam… Things were just so awkward when you were with him. Not in a necessarily bad way, because you were with him the whole time, so our relationship was based on awkwardness, but still… I’m sorry you had to be heartbroken to realize what you wanted and needed out of life… I guess I just didn’t realize you were as unhappy as you were.

Will you tell me your biggest regret now?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject:Ruttabagas

I thought so. I listened to your CD the other night. It made me smile, a lot. California Stars is a great song. I’m assuming you were talking about me when you mentioned it reminded you of a girl you knew. But yeah, I figured that wasn’t the only part of Green Eyes.

You know, I want to be with you too. Don’t be afraid of being so open, sometimes the other person is just waiting for you to be. I need to know that you’re going to be open with me, Jim. Otherwise, it will never work. I can’t do another relationship where both of us are closed and reserved. I need to be able to tell you what I’m thinking, and I need to trust that you’ll do the same. Okay?

You just hurt me with the whole Katy thing, I guess… I always valued your friendship so much, and whenever you started dating, you pulled away from me a bit, and it hurt so much. I don’t know, I guess I didn’t realize that was more than just the surface talking. I’ve always been really invested in you.

I’m not sure what my biggest regret is. I don’t really have any. I think I believe that everything happens for a reason and has a purpose, and it might just be a purpose for stringing other events together or making you grow stronger, but there’s still a purpose there… I just look back on my life and there are so many things that have gone wrong but they’ve only made me stronger… You know?

I guess though, that if I had to pick one thing I would change, I wouldn’t have gone out with Abby and Brian and Roy that night… The memory of it just haunts me so much.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Fruit snacks

Don’t say that, Pam. It might have been painful for you, and you might look back on it with sadness and dread, but think about it from Abby’s shoes. She got to spend her last night out with her best friend, eating pizza and laughing and having a good time. If you had to pick what you were going to do on your last day on earth, wouldn’t you want to do something similar?

But yeah, I see what you mean about regrets and how everything works together. It amazes me how sure of it you are, with all you’ve been through. I haven’t been through nearly as much, and I’m still not sure that everything has a reason or a purpose… I guess I know that there’s a reason I’m working at Dunder-Mifflin and maybe it’s to meet you, but other than that… I don’t know.

I never meant to push you away, Pam. I guess I just didn’t realize I was doing it. There was some part of me that believed that I couldn’t be as close to you as I was while still being a good boyfriend. I kind of felt like I was cheating by being your best friend… And so maybe that’s why I pushed you away a little bit. I don’t know. I never meant to hurt you, though.

Well then, I guess in answer to your question, why don’t you just refer to me as your boyfriend? That is, if you’re okay with that.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Green bean cake

I guess you’re right. If I had to pick my last day on earth, I’d want to spend it with my best friend and my boyfriend. So maybe it was for the best. Sometimes it’s just hard to see the good of a situation through your own eyesight. I guess I needed you to let me see your rose colored glasses.

About what you said though… You’re almost there. You just have to delve deeper. There’s a reason you were born in Pennsylvania, there’s a reason you went to a certain college, met certain people, opened up the newspaper and found this job opening, applied for it, met me… It all just works together. If you’d been born to a different family, in Antarctica, do you really think you’d go to the same college, work here, meet me? It just all works together. I just wonder if maybe it’s too coincidental for it to be coincidental, you know? There’s a reason behind it all. Even if it is just to bring two stubborn people together.

Boyfriend it is.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Lime green

So, you want to spend your last day on earth with me and Hannah? How cute.

Okay, I see what you mean. I’ll think about it a bit more.

You’re talking to Dwight… What are you talking to Dwight about? Oh my gosh, did he just get down on all fours? Oh my gosh, Pam! HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS?!?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Yorkshire Terriers

It’s not that difficult, Jim. I just told Dwight that Staples was running an ad with a dog that barked out orders about buying more paper. Dwight took offense to it, and decided that a human dog was more personable and approachable. We decided he should go down to Staples soon and stand outside the store and bark for Dunder Mifflin. He was about ready to go, but I convinced him to stay and practice.

Please tell me you took a picture? Not only was he wearing a leash, AND his collar, but he was barking out orders. He even lifted his leg, pretending to pee on Toby. Tell me, does that not deserve mad props.

Oh, and that was cute when you gave him a bone.

Now, I want my trip to China.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Mesmerized

You’re the best girlfriend ever, do you know that?