To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Tic-tac toe

I really don’t understand gymnastics at all. I know you enjoyed it, but really, all they do is do flips through the air and let their crotches fly out into the open. How do you let your kids do that? I just don’t understand the appeal… I mean, Caitlin and Hannah were really cute and all, but still… Did you have fun getting to know Laura?

I know you won’t get this email until Monday, and it’s Sunday now, but I kind of have to write you one to keep my mind off of the fact that you’re out with my sister and her children doing a “girls day out.” Honestly, it scares me… I really hope Laura doesn’t drive you away. And don’t get me started on Caiti. She once ran away one of my girlfriends. I’m not kidding! I just hope she didn’t do it to you…

But they don’t know we’re dating, so it’s alright… right?

Well, I’m sure I’ll tell you all of this tonight anyway (because I like telling you stuff) but all I’ve done today is eat scrambled eggs, type an email to you, watch City Slickers, and color in Hannah’s coloring books.

I’m bored, here at home. Blah. And don’t even say it. I know I chose to stay here. It sounded more appealing than going to Claire’s and Payless and getting salad and teddy bears… It still is more appealing. I just like to complain because I miss my girls.

I saw on the bookshelf yesterday that Laura has the first three seasons of The Bachelor on DVD. I’m going to go watch it. Shut up.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Mary Kay tinted moisturizer

Jim, be supportive of your nieces. Yes, maybe they were flipping through the air wearing tiny outfits, but they worked really hard, and it was cool to watch. And you better believe my children will be doing gymnastics. It’s really good for them. They build a lot of strength and it’s fun and they’re taught how to eat healthy and do all of that stuff. It’s good for them. And I hope you’ll come to my girls’ gymnastics meets when they have them.

Laura’s sweet. You guys were so funny together. You must have had so much fun torturing your mother when you were little. I can just picture you guys purposely bringing in as much mud as you could after mom cleaned the kitchen. You know?

As for our girls day out… I made a pact with them that we wouldn’t talk to you about the discussions/activities that went on. I’m sorry, but we did. But, just to put your mind at rest, I will tell you again (even though I told you nine times in the car) that it was perfectly fine. Laura and I chatted and laughed and can easily be friends, and Caitlin tried to scare me away, but she’s not very good at it. And Hannah, of course, was just my little friend. And as far as them knowing we’re dating, I might have let it slip… I did let it slip. But they’re happy about it.

Your girls? How cute, Jim.

Now, before I castrate you more, let me change the subject. So, I was watching Sunday Night Football last night and I noticed the Colts were winning…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Marriage

Ha. Ha. You know I don’t watch Football. I watch baseball! Ask me about the Phillies!!!

I’m glad you liked my family. And shut up about me calling them my girls. They are. They’re all girls. And you’re one of them too. And my mom. And my old dog, Ginger. Shush. Dogs are people, too.

I can’t believe you let it slip. You can’t even last three weeks! It’s been 15 days, and you’re already telling my family! Get your own family to tell!

Blaaaaah. Why is it so boring today?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Turkey sandwiches

Jim? Can you read? You said, and I quote, “Dogs are people, too.” Are they? Are they really, Jim?

Oh shut up. You don’t know how good girls are at sensing these things. And Caitlin came right out and asked me about it.

It’s boring because SOMEBODY left our rubix cube at home. Jerk.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Courthouse

Dogs are people. Exhibit A: Dwight Kurt Schrute. Apparently located at 1313 Eastside Street. AKA. The Pound.

She asked if we were dating? Really? Caitlin? I find that hard to believe.

Woah, woah, woah. First of all, “we” don’t own a rubix cube. Jim owns a rubix cube. Jim left his rubix cube at home. There is no we in that.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Dangling participles

Okay, I concede.

Yes, Caitlin asked. Well, she really asked if we kissed. Actually, she more stated it…. Yeah, she definitely stated it. We were talking about some movie she’d seen and she said, “When you and Uncle Jim kiss, do you kiss like THAT?!” Her mom scolded her, my face went red, and Hannah giggled.

Oh. I thought when you became a couple everything became a “we”.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Snowflakes

You mean the way your all-you-can-eat pancakes became “ours” this morning? Yeah, let’s talk about that, why don’t we?

What did you tell her?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Rollodex

Jim, that’s completely different. A rubix cube is a rubix cube. All-you-can-eat pancakes are all-you-can-eat pancakes! You can’t share those! Let me rephrase the statement, “everything the boy owns becomes an ours, while the girl’s things remains strictly the girl’s.” Better? I think so! Now, hand me our University of Michigan sweater, please!

I told her we kiss more civilized.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Pictures

Well, that hardly seems fair! No, “we” have to share all if I have to share all.

Oh god. She’s not even supposed to know about that stuff yet! She’s only ten…. Isn’t Ariel still supposed to fall in love with Eric and hardly ever kiss? No….

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Swampstock River Festival

Okay, Jim. My tampons are now officially “our” tampons. Which means we are out, and you need to run to the store and get some for us.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Damn

I walked into that one. What kind of pampons do you need?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Jetplanes

Regular. Playtex, please. Please pick up the extra big box. More bang for your buck. That’s what she said.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Gross

I was kidding. I’m not going to the store to buy tampons… Pam….

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Dishwasher safe

Jim, WE need them. Now go. Man up.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Arithmetic

The operative word there is MAN. M-a-n. As in, has a penis. As in, does not have an inverted penis, also known as a vagina. As in, has no use for tampons.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Men

I need them soon, Jim. Please stop being so selfish.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Pouty face

Okay, I ordered them off the internet.eBay, actually.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Doctors

Aww, thanks for running out and getting some, Jim. (I know you can’t buy them off the internet, retard). Also, just so you know. WE are not out. YOU are out. I have an entire pack at my house.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: I hate you.

By the way, Dwight knows your ovulation. He has little red P’s on his calendar at work.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Wrestling

What? I thought the P’s stand for paper?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Sharpies

Well, then what do K, MP, PL, and M stand for? In paper business?

To: Jim Halpert

From: Pam Beesly

Subject: Toes

Better question: If K is Kelly, PL is Phyllis… MP is Meredith, I’m assuming… Who is M? And where is Angela?

To: Pam Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cookies

I have no idea who M is… Michael, maybe? I hear he ovulates regularly… And maybe he hasn’t figured out Angela’s yet.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pam Beesly
Subject: Surveillance

Right, he doesn’t know his own girlfriend’s time of the month. Even you know that.

To: Pam Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: The Today Show

I do?

Whose turn is it?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Brownies

You haven’t noticed I’ve been Pam with a side order of bitchy today? Or that I was out of tampons?

I think its yours.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: The Diner

Correction: I was out of tampons. Not you. Not we. Not us. Not them. I. Me.

And no, I haven’t noticed your extra order today.

Okay, question fifteen: What is your deepest, darkest secret?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Teddy bears

Is that a red J I see on Dwight’s calendar? Oh, I think it is…

My deepest, darkest secret? This is horrible Jim. Don’t break up with me.

When I was a teenager, I did a lot of babysitting, especially for my next door neighbor’s son. The father was never home and the mother went out with her friends a lot, so it was a lot of babysitting, but they were the type of parents that would let their kid stay home at night without a babysitter once he turned six or so… And I really wanted the money. I’m a bedroom snoop, and when he was asleep I’d go into their bedroom and go through their drawers. I found a packet of condoms… I put a pin through the middle of them and effectively assured myself another 5 years of babysitting…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Naughty list

Oh my gosh, Beesly!!!! You are a little devil. I can’t believe you did that. I am so impressed and scared and oh my… Speechless. So acceptable.

You better not ever do that to me.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: American flags

Oh please. I know you thought it was hilarious. Even Kelly could hear you laughing down the hall with her iPod speakers blasting the 13 Going on 30 soundtrack.

It would be stupid to do it to you. Since it would be a pin through my own condoms. Maybe… Probably.

Okay, your turn. Deepest, darkest secret.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Nakey Nakey, eggs and bakey

Oh, is that so? You really think the condoms in my nightstand drawer will be for you? Good to know. Also means you should go pick up some condoms because WE are out of them… Wait. That didn’t work. Damn.

My deepest, darkest secret is that when I had sex with Katy, I always imagined you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Blue stars

Well, I can guarantee you that you’re not getting anything without a pack of tampons (Playtex, regular. It’s a pink box. You spell regular r-e-g-u-l-a-r) and condoms at your house. So, I think that means YOU are out of supplies, not US.

And that secret is unacceptable. For one, I already knew it. Or, at least I hoped it.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: 27 cents

I’ll be making a run to CVS this evening after work, then. Regular, Playtex. Got it

I can’t decide between these two:

I’ve always wanted to rob a bank.

When I was sixteen, I trashed my parents’ house when they were out of town to make it look like I had a party while they were gone, just so my parents would think I had a lot of friends.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Nalgene bottles

You are so ready for me to be ready. It’s quite endearing.

Oh, Jim. That’s a sad secret. The second one, I mean… Did you really not have any friends in high school?

I’ve always wanted to rob a bank too. Shh. I think everyone has that fantasy.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Brown sugar

I’m sorry… Am I pressuring you? I don’t mean to be. I just want you, and you’re the only person I talk to about that kind of stuff… It seems weird not to.

We can rob one together! Except not. We can wish we did together, though.

I didn’t have very many. I was really geeky. You’ve seen my picture. I ran track and was a big nerd. The only thing cool about me was that I dated one of the coolest girls in school… But then again, a lot of guys dated her. It was okay. I had a few friends, just not a lot. And no good ones.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: October

You’re okay, honey. I know you’re not trying to get in my pants before I’m ready.

If you ever need help trashing your house, for any reason, call me. I’ll help you.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Lightning

Thanks, baby.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Pop tarts

Yay! I’m baby!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Kelly

Shush.

Your momma’s so big she could eat the internet, baby.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Fingers

Well, your momma’s so big Dora can’t even explore her, honey.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Faith Hill

Your momma’s so fat when she went outside she got stuck, baby.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Power outlets

Your momma’s so fat when she put on Guess jeans, the answer popped out, honey.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Sprinkles

Your momma is so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper, baby.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Lemonade

That was really a lame one, honey.

I was planning on making some pasta tonight if you want to come over after your CVS run. Maybe we can watch a movie or something? I don’t know. I’m a bad date-planner.

I’ve been listening to the CD you made me nonstop.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Page 10

Yeah, see you later.

PS. Your momma is so dumb, she sold her car for gas money.

Okay, that was lame too.