Jim, I’m so sorry.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Goodnight, and Goodluck

I just… I can’t believe it.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: The Spotted Pig

I know, sweetie… I really am sorry.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Secret for Women

I just can’t believe it. I mean, honestly. What an ass! I would never, ever do that to you!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Fried Wontons

I know you wouldn’t date 25 girls at once, get down to me and one other girl, send the other girl home, and then send me home too. I understand you’re not a jerk. Don’t worry.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Certificates

I just feel like I’ve wasted all of my time.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Double Dog Dare

Jim, it’s Reality TV. It’s The Bachelor, honey. It’s not real… Even if it is Reality TV, it’s not real. Okay?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Strings

I know… It’s just that now I have no closure.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Dinosaurs

Okay, pretty boy, snap out of it.

I’ll make it up to you tonight. I want you to show up at my house at 7 pm. Dressed as nicely as you can manage (I know, it’s hard for you. Hehe). And for the rest of the day, I don’t want to hear anything more about how much you hate Brad Womack.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Tuxedos

Wow, sounds like you have something planned, Beesly. Stepping up and being a man in the relationship?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Judy Blume

Well, somebody has to be.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Speakers

Ouch!

Tell me a funny story.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: USB cords

Well, last night around midnight I had this huge hankering for chocolate milk. So I went into my pantry, and there was an unopened box of cocoa mix. So I tried to peel back the little paperish cover thing… You know what I’m talking about? But it wouldn’t budge! So I decided to try and punch a hole through the top, and when I did, all of the cocoa mix exploded all over me. I was covered in it, everywhere. And my floor is a mess, which really stinks because my sister is coming into town this weekend and I’d just cleaned it yesterday!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Purple People Eaters

I was wondering why you looked tanner all of a sudden.

And your sister? Really? When were you planning on telling me this?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Cocoa

Oh shut up…

My sister, yes. And I did tell you. Why are you acting like I didn’t? Does that ruin your big plans for the weekend or something?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Chill mat

Well, I was just kind of hoping to spend some time with you this weekend.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Balooga

You are such a baby. You can still spend time with me. Just because Diana’s here doesn’t mean you have to go AWOL on me. You’re going to have to meet her eventually, you know?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Who is The Mole?

I know that. I’m sure she’s amazing. So amazing, maybe I’ll leave you for her?

Are you ready for question sixteen?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: France

I can’t believe you just said that.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Emily Giffin

What? I was just kidding.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Post Secret

Well, don’t kid about that kind of stuff. You know I’m insecure about it.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Floral dresses

I’m sorry, Pam. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. You’re the only Beesly for me. And definitely the only girl for me…

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Center stage

… Men on the other hand, are a different ball game?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: IMs

Shut it, Beesly.

Question sixteen: What was your biggest heartbreak? Who did it, why did it break, and how did you get over it?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Blue scrunchie

You’re just fishing for compliments, aren’t you Halpert?

No, I’m kidding.

Obviously, my biggest heartbreak was Roy. I’m not sure how to really describe it, but I’ll try. I guess it wasn’t really Roy that broke my heart, so much as the idea of Roy. I mean, I dated him for ten years. That’s a really, really long time. And from the time I was seventeen until twenty-seven, which are pretty important years. You’re supposed to grow up a lot during those years, I think, and I’m not sure if I really had the chance to because I was always being the Pam Roy wanted me to be, not the Pam I wanted to be. And I had all of these naïve ideas about love, and this notion that love meant sacrificing for the other person—which is true, but only if you don’t give up who you are in the process. And so I heard all of these stories about high school sweethearts who get married and have kids and grow old together and are happy, like Allie and Noah in The Notebook or something. And I started thinking that was Roy. That he would be the husband who would propose after an allotted amount of time, we’d get married quickly because we were so in love, have babies together, grow old together. He’d come home every night early because he couldn’t stand to be away from me, and before he went to work we’d make love and stare into each other’s eyes… And I realize that every bit of that is completely naïve and childish, but I didn’t at the time. So when the fogginess of being in love started to fade away and I started seeing him as he really was, it was hard for me because he wasn’t that person I thought he was. He had all of these flaws, and he never intended to be that Prince Charming that I wanted. And I had invested years in the relationship by that time, too many, I thought, to just let it go. And I’m stubborn, so that was an added bonus… And so, I stayed with him, hoping maybe I could learn to love him the way he is and learn to love his flaws too. But I didn’t. They just glared me in the face and the things I was so attracted to at the beginning—his manliness, his gruff voice, his outgoing spirit—they all seemed so repulsive by the end that I just couldn’t do it. So I guess, all that to say that my heart was broken because I had this horrible idea and image of what love and marriage is, and then when Roy didn’t fit that, it broke my heart? Does that make sense?

I got all deep on you there. And yet, I haven’t completely answered the question.

It broke because I was expecting something that wasn’t there… And it’s not healed yet, I’ll be honest. It’s still wide open and hurting, but it gets better every day. I’ve learned to look at people, for the most part, and see the beauty that rests inside of their flaws, not the flaws within their beauty. And that’s important, I think. And I’ve learned to trust myself, and to let go of the childish fantasies of what love could be and let real life take them and destroy them. Love isn’t anything worthwhile if there’s nothing to work through. My mother always tells me that the reason for every fight, argument and disagreement is to grow a little. I’m learning to appreciate that kind of thing. And you’re helping. By being as perfectly flawed as you are. I’ve been able to see your flaws through the course of our friendship, and now relationship, and I think it’s helped me to see a more rounded picture of what love and marriage should be and could be. I don’t know. You’ve helped, but mostly it’s just me redefining what I believe and what my expectations are.

If that’s not acceptable, I don’t know what else is.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Lassie Come Home

Wow, Beesly. Interesting thoughts. Are you becoming a philosopher on me?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Angela

What do you mean? Are you making fun of me for answering honestly? That’s how I really feel, Jim.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Tofu Stirfry

Damn the internet and it’s lack of facial cues. No, I wasn’t making fun of you. I was simply stating that your response was really deep and thoughtful, and I liked it. It gives me a lot to think about.

I would never make fun of you for telling me what’s on your mind.

I guess you want my answer now, huh?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: TCBY

I’m sorry, I guess I just assumed you were making fun or not taking me seriously. 10 years of habits are hard to break. I’m so broken and weird with you. I’m sorry… Please don’t think that because I take things the wrong way I’m thinking you’re anything like Roy, okay? Please don’t… Roy’s absolute best days are nothing compared to your worst days. Okay?

I want to hear your answer, yes.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: AUX connectors

So, you want TCBY huh? I’ll take you out for some tonight.

I understand that.

Okay, my worst heartbreak. Kind of embarrassing, and to be honest, nobody else knows this full story, so you’re kind of my secret-keeper. Hope you’re up to the challenge.

In college, I dated this girl named Andrea. I mentioned her in our sex discussion. She was beautiful and was in one of my business classes my junior year. We started talking about economics and eventually found ourselves out on dates. We dated for a good year or so, right up until the last semester of senior year. We had gotten really serious—the kind of serious that leads to I love you’s and talks of marriage and sex and that kind of thing. Well, it was April and since we were finishing college we were both trying to decide what we wanted to do with our lives and whether we fit in with each other and everything. We had this series of really long talks about getting married and kids and family and values, and it seemed like we were on the same page. So I went out and I bought a ring and I orchestrated this whole proposal for her. We went on one of the trains in Pennsylvania and took a tour through the woods, and then when we got out at the Poconos, I got down on my knee and proposed to her. And she just stared at me. It was the scariest moment of my life, and I knew right when I finished speaking that her answer was going to be no, even though she’d told me differently night after night after night for the past few months. And she just stared at me. Her mouth dropped open and her eyes had a few tears in them, but not the kind of tears you should have when you break someone else’s heart. And she told me she’d got accepted to law school in Stanford and she’d told them she would go. I told her that wasn’t a problem; I could go with her; we could make it work, but she wouldn’t have it. I asked her why, and she told me she’d never really loved me, she just felt like it was the right thing to say. She’d said it first because she felt like I wanted to hear it, not because she really felt it. And she didn’t see us together and basically it all boiled down to our whole relationship being a lie.

And that’s when I came to Dunder Mifflin. My heart broken because I’d just been in a year long relationship with a girl I was in love with, wanted to raise a family with and grow old with, who had just straight up lied to me to protect herself and she’d told me what she thought I wanted to hear, not what she was really feeling. And I hope you never have to go through that, Pam, because it sucks. It’s one of the worst hurts in the world. So, my heart broke and I moved to a midsize regional paper company, and… How did I get over it?

I guess at first I was really angry and unwilling to accept anything having to do with the female species. I mean, you remember my first few months here. I was cruel and ugly to you, and I’m really sorry for that. But you kept reaching out to me and trying to be my friend, and eventually, I guess you taught me that not all women are bitches who are just out to rip your heart apart. And we became friends, and honestly, I think you’ve really helped me heal and trust other people.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Blue

Oh, Jim… I’m so sorry. That really sounds like it sucks. I know that’s probably an insensitive thing to say, but that’s all I can really think of.

Is that why you’re so worried about pressuring me into stuff? I would never, ever do that to you. I think it is completely and utterly wrong to tell someone you love them, or you want to marry them and grow old with them, unless you absolutely are positive you do. And that’s why it’s such a big deal to me to say I love you, or to have sex because it is a promise. Contrary to popular belief. In my eyes, it is. And even though there might be feelings of love or desire, I’m not going to tell you about them or act on them until I’m positive that they are more than feelings and more than just a random “oh, he did the dishwasher. I love that man” type of mentality that certain fashonistas named Kelly might have.

I’ll always be your friend.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: M&M Cookies

Thanks, Pam. I would rather you just be honest about your feelings anyway. I don’t mind hearing you’re not in love with me, as long as it’s the truth.

Question: Laura just emailed me and said you talked to Hannah last night? Will you tell me what’s up?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: #5 pens

I really don’t want to breach Hannah’s confidence, but… Hannah called me last night around 7:30 and when I answered, she told me it was Hannah (which I knew) but then she didn’t say anything more, she just sat there, sniffling. I asked her what was wrong and she wouldn’t say a word or talk to me at all, so finally I raised my voice at her and said, “Are you just going to shut me out?” And without skipping a beat she asked what that meant and I asked her if she was going to not talk to me. And she was silent for thirty seconds or so and then she just started talking and didn’t stop.

Basically, it all boils down to this: She doesn’t know why she’s so upset. She doesn’t know what starts it; she just knows it starts when she’s thinking about her dad, and the only way she knows to stop it is to call her mom and just whine and try and hug on her all the time. She feels awkward bringing up how she feels, and she doesn’t want to bring it up to Caitlin or her mom because she’s afraid it might make them sad. We talked about what she could do to feel better, and she said she’s tried screaming into pillows and crying in the shower, so I suggested that she either sketch or write when she’s upset because that’s what helps me. She also told me that yesterday the guidance counselor she normally talks to wasn’t at school, and she tried to find Caitlin, but Caitlin was already outside playing, so she had nobody to talk to.

I asked her if she’s told her mom anything about how she’s feeling, and she told me she hadn’t. I asked her why not and she just got silent and said she didn’t really know. I told her if she ever needed to talk but didn’t want to talk to her mom that she should call me, that I don’t care what time she calls or anything. She said okay and then she went to bed.

I called Laura this morning and filled her in on a bit—as much as I could without betraying Hannah. I don’t want her mom to worry, and I want to tell Laura what’s going on, but at the same time, if I’m the only one Hannah’s talking to besides the counselor, I want to keep that door open. So, shh.

Does that make you feel better?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Science

Yeah it does, thanks… We’ve all been so worried about her, as you know… I’m glad she has you to talk to, and if she happens to call again when you’re with me, please, please, please take the call and leave me to my own devices.

Laura seemed to really like you. She emailed me and just couldn’t stop talking about how impressed she was by you. You won’t believe what she asked me.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Text Sex

She likes me? Good, I’m so glad. I really like her too. Sometimes when I talk to her, I feel more comfortable than I do with my own sisters. I know, it’s crazy. We just get along well. I really do love your family. Or at least, the part of your family that I’ve met.

What did she say, honey?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Smiles

She adores you. She seriously rambled on for a really long time. Here, I’ll give you a little excerpt from her email. Including the question she asked me:

Jim, I’m seriously really impressed with your girlfriend. She is leagues above any of the other girls you’ve dated, and honestly, she’s leagues above you too! She’s so much fun to be around, and I love that Hannah just adores her and will talk to her about things. Granted, I wish she’d talk to me and open up to me, but at least she’s talking to someone. It’s hard to explain it, but I’ve only known Pam for a few weeks and already I trust her completely with my girls. If you let her get away, you’re an idiot. You know that, right? Seriously, will you just marry the girl and make her stick around?

High praise from Laura. And Laura’s not the type to give high praise.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Mixed berry

I just choked on my pineapple. That was beautiful what she wrote about me, but there is no way I’m leagues above her little brother.

So the question was if we were going to get married soon? Wow. I would expect that from Hannah or Caitlin, but from your sister? No way. What was your answer, anyway?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Chinese characters

Well, thanks. But I tend to agree with her.

I told her that you weren’t an axe murderer or a rapist or anything else glaringly bad, so there was always that possibility. And I told her I like you better than the other girls too.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Ring! Ring

Well, that’s sweet.

I just got an email saying Dwight updated his fan fiction story. Did I tell you I found it?!? Guess what his username is?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Hair

PamBeeslyisHot? Oh wait, that’s mine.

What’s his? Tell me, tell me, tell me.

And are you seriously on his alert list?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: 77

Yes I’m on his alert list. And I love your penname, but I can’t find it anywhere!

His penname is AssistantRegionalManager. I am NOT kidding.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Sleep

TO THE!! TO THE!!

Talk about bringing your work home with you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Moon

Like you can talk, you try and bring part of your work home with you every day. Doesn’t mean I always oblige, though. ;)

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Fishing

I’ve got you hook, line, and sinker, Beesly. Will you oblige tonight?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subejct: Fishing

Only if we don’t talk fishing, we eat Asian food, and you promise me a kiss goodnight.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Lips

That was unnecessary. That was obviously the plan of action.