From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Fical Matter
Okay, Question Two: I need a comprehensive list of all of your nicknames. I want to know which one you think is the worst nickname, how it was given to you, why it was given to you, where it was given to you, by whom it was given to you, and pretty much anything else surrounding this nickname. It must be detailed and amusing.
From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Barf
Oh wow. Tough question, Beesly. And definitely a bit more personal than the Superhero question. I’m going to have to think about this one.
My nicknames are as follows:
1. Jim
2. Jimmy
3. Hal
4. Big Tuna
5. Jimster
6. Jello
7. Jimbo
8. Halpert
9. Fat Halpert
10. Jim Bag
11. Big Haircut
12. Large Tuna
13. Jiminy Cricket
14. Slim Jim
15. Jimp
16. Halp
17. Jimmercock
18. JimJim
19. Jimsaw
20. J-bone
21. J-cock
22. Jimmer
23. Jimbles
24. Jimbroni
The winner, of course, is Jimbles. You probably don’t know what it means, but basically, it’s a code word for you know… Well, it was given to me by a teacher of mine in 9th grade. My male basketball coach… He came in the locker room while I was changing and said, “Woah! Jimbles!” and it scarred me for life. All of the guys kept calling me jimbles, thinking it was funny that my name fit in with the slang word for, well you know.
From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Stars
Well, I’m sorry to hear that, however, this is not acceptable. You never mentioned exactly what Jimbles were. You have to be explicit in this game, you know. Because of that, I demand not only the ‘jimbles’ definition, but also the answer to the same question in relationship to the nickname “J-bone.” You have 12 minutes.
From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
Subject: You suck
Beesly! That’s so not fair! You knew what I was talking about!! I gave you more than enough information. You suck. Jimbles= My genitals. Happy? I bet I’m all red now. Okay, so J-bone. Also from Urban Dictionary. It means someone who has sex with a lot of women. Well, my girlfriend gave it to me… God, I can’t believe I’m typing this stuff out to you. You’re going to get me fired! So, it went around school that I’d looked up with this cheerleader on the squad named Amanda while I was still dating my high school girlfriend Brittany. I’m not telling you what the truth was, but Brittany and I went out on a date one night and she… Gosh, Pam, I hate you. We were in my car fooling around and she pulled my pants off and started examining me and I guess I curve a bit so she called me a J-bone because I wasn’t exactly limp at the time…. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Limp Jimp
There’s your next nickname, Limp Jimp. Wow, I had no idea you were such a dirty boy. I am really glad we’re doing this over email because I would never be able to talk to you when you said all of that stuff. I’m glad to know your Jimbles work… And your face is SOOO red. You must be embarrassed. J Man, I don’t even know what to do. I was just kidding about not accepting your first answer. That’s got to be a 9, as well. And now I guess you want my list, with my names.
1. Pam
2. Pammy
3. Pam-Pam
4. Pama lama ding dong
5. Pam, Pam, Thank you ma’am
6. Pamburger
7. Beesly
8. Pamera
9. Pam-M-S
10. Ampay
11. Christmas Pam
12. Candided Pams
13. Pamchop
14. Pamcasso
15. Pam job
16. Pam pong
17. Pamani
18. Pamf
19. Beese
20. Beesl
21. Beeshe
22. Peanut Butter
23. PB
24. Pamgasm
25. Spamster
26. Pamties
27. Pamcakes
Let’s go with either Pammy or Pamgasm. Pammy because Roy made it up, and I don’t like it because I’m not a parrot or a two-year old. But the real winner, of course, is Pamgasm.
Pamgasm was given to me the third time I had sex. I’d faked it, and of course, Roy hadn’t caught on. He kept calling my “orgasm” a “pamgasm” and thought it was hilarious, the play on words. Then he went around and told everyone that pamgasms were louder and better than orgasms. So, depending on how well he performed, I either had an orgasm or a pamgasm. What makes this nickname so horribly dreadful is that he was in this club called Interact in high school and they were in charge of making our Powder Puff jerseys and he put “Pamgasm” on the back of mine. My parents came to the game and nearly died.
My face is red, I just know it. And Dwight’s looking at me. GROSS!!!! Okay, please ask a more mild question. That was a stupid move on my part.
From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Pamcakes!
I love Pancakes! I was thrilled to see that one of your nicknames incorporates their awesomeness. As for Pamgasm… Roy’s an idiot. Although it is kind of funny to me that you have your own nickname for when you fake an orgasm. Man, the irony. Does your pamgasm sound like Meg Ryan’s megasm? So you tell me I have to make this next one easy on you, eh? I guess I can do that. But right now it’s 4:58, and I don’t want to send it to you just yet because then you’d have to stay late to respond seeing as it’s Friday and you’re not coming in tomorrow… I’m not that mean, am I?
From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: You’re wonderful!
Really, you are! I’m not just saying that because its one minute to five and you’re letting me go…. Okay, maybe I am, but still.
Oh, and Meg’s is better.
See you Monday! I’m going to go try and get un-embarassed!
