From: Pamela Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: Is that a picture of a pink unicorn? Oh how cute!

Well… I figured you enjoyed The Bachelor when you put it on your guilty pleasure list, but oh my god, Jim! You were so into it!!! What was with the little cheering section? And the covering your eyes during the kisses? You’re like a little girl!!!! I can’t believe you were biting your nails!! And could you have been anymore vocal when they let Sheeba go? Geez. If I come over tonight, will you do my hair and help me pick out my dress for the dance? I want to look sooooo cute!

I’ve decided that neither one of us can use Asian buffets as our guilty pleasure… My reasoning for this is that it’s on both of our lists, so we can’t really feel that guilty about it. Since I am the one that made it up, I will go ahead and tell you that my new number six is my Tooth Tunes toothbrush. I know, I know. You have no idea what it is.

They only sell them at little girls stores… Like Limited Too or Justice or the ones that have little slut clothes for nine year olds? Okay, well, basically, they’re toothbrushes that play a song when you put them in your mouth. It’s so awesome. The bristles vibrate against your teeth and send sound waves to your brain through your teeth, so you hear a song in your head while you brush! There are lots of different songs, but mine is the Hannah Montana theme song.

What are you doing tonight? Thursday night. We know that Dwight will be watching The Apprentice… Unless he somehow decides to go get drunk with his laser tag team… I’m seriously thinking we need to sabotage his team in some way… I mean, couldn’t we pretend to be on his team and cancel practice or dress up as someone else or something? I just kind of want to see him play laser tag, don’t you?

I’m going to visit my mom this weekend! I really love her!! I’m so excited.

WRITE BACK!!!!

-Spamster

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
Subject: You suck

I really can’t tell you the depth of my hatred for you right now. You suck. On all levels. I’m so tempted to do something to you.

Shut up. You love The Bachelor and you know it. It is quality TV. And you think he’s hot. I saw you swooning after him when he was taking his shirt off. I bet you went home and made out with your pillow after watching that.

Well, I’ve decided that since my previous answer of asian buffets was already accepted, I am not obligated to re-answer based on your whim. However, I am very proud of you for admitting your great love for Tooth Tunes… I do, however, want to know how you even know the Hannah Montana theme song… And more importantly, what were you doing in the little girls store? Were you on a shopping spree with Angela again, or are you just a white, female Michael Jackson on girls?

What am I doing tonight? I am playing laser tag with my laser tag team. Don’t you know that’s my Wednesday night ritual? By the way, Pam, it’s Wednesday. And I promise it is, I’m not trying to convince you, and I didn’t pay anyone in the office to tell you otherwise. It’s Wednesday. Which begs the question, will you be at the game tonight? I know you missed practice on Sunday, but we’ll still let you play.

Is “mom” a code word?

From: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: You are Michael on pervert pills

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON! How twisted and disturbed are you? My gosh. You know I have a niece. You know everyone has a birthday! Geez, Jim. Eww. I’m shuddering. Okay, actually I’m laughing. “A white, female Michael Jackson on girls?” Touche, my friend.

Mom is not a code-word. Why, what did you think it was supposed to be?

Oh yeah, sorry. I guess I forgot to tell you that I was busy on Sunday during practice. I was taking my vitamins.

I will, however, be at the game tonight. What time does it start, again? Who are we playing? I need more information about our team….

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
Subject: Frisky Gellatin

Laser tag is tonight at 7 pm. You need to be at Fun Station at 6:30 for a team get-together. Please wear your complete uniform (knee-high candy cane socks, bowling shoes, khaki shorts, tank top, and various sweatbands). Check in at the front desk by telling them your number (you’re 69) and team name (Frisky Gellatin). Every team has four players, except for us. We will be down two men on account of the fact that I just registered you and I two minutes ago, and therefore, we don’t have anybody else. Tonight we are playing… Gryffindor. So, come with your game face on. And your uniform.

From: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: Frisky Gellatin

Okay, question… Um, are glasses a part of the uniform? What about wands? Snakes? I just want to make sure we’re intimidating enough that we can fully annihilate the other team. GO FRISKY GELLATIN!

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
Subject: Frisky Gellatin

Yes, glasses are a part of the uniform… And you’re on the team. I don’t think we have to worry about being intimidating.

(different stream of emails, the next day)

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
Subject: Wow.

Oh, man! I seriously am so impressed with you right now. Not only was your outfit way past any expectations I could ever have had (and honestly, the thought running through my mind is, “she actually owned all of that??!?!”) but your constant shouts of “Voldemort Rules!” and “The Dark Lord reigns!” just made you my best friend for another lifetime. Oh, and dude, where did you learn those moves? The tuck and roll? Have you been to Mommy and Me gymnastics recently or what? You were freaking AWESOME out there! I can’t believe you took down Dwight AND Mose AND the Amish minister! Honestly. You’re just too good to be true.

And now it’s time for question five… That is, if you’re ready. Actually, I’ll just give it to you. After your kick-ass performance last night, I can’t imagine you NOT being able to tackle question five.

So, without further adieu: I want to know everything about your best date.

From: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: hmm

Wow. Thanks for all of the awesome compliments about my laser tag game. Since you asked, I’ll have to let you know that it’s all God-given skill and talent. You really think that tuck and roll could be learned? I shot a man in the chest, Halpert! You can’t learn that!!! And I do have to say, I’m probably going to hell for shooting the Amish minister… How do you celebrate THAT?

Sorry it took me so long to email you back. I was having so much trouble with my date answer... Hopefully you’ll accept this one.

I hope beyond myself that my best date hasn’t happened yet… I mean, don’t get me wrong, Roy and I had some good dates. And I’ve been out on a few others before… Call me a romantic or a girl or whatever you will, but I would really, really like my best date to be with my husband. And I just don’t think being left at a high school football game or eating wings with his friends counts. I don’t know. That’s my answer.

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
Subject: Titanic

While I do understand your dilemma, and I do hope that you get your wish, I cannot accept your answer. I am looking for your best date to present. Please update your answer. Thank you.

From: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: Dwight K. Schrute

Okay Mr. Authority.

My best date was with Jim Mosby in the tenth grade. He was this really punkish kid, which I know, is kind of weird. But he was really sweet. He was a teddy bear. Anyway, he picked me up three days after he got his license, which was really cool for me because I didn’t have mine yet and none of my friends did either. Anyway, he brought me this red rose and totally, completely passed my Dad’s fifteen hour investigation. We went to this really nice restaurant, the type where prices aren’t on the menu, and then afterwards we walked along the lake and talked… Then we went back to his house and played pool and he didn’t let me win… And there was no chemistry between us whatsoever, but it was really fun. Hah, I remember he asked to kiss me (I’d told him at some point before I wanted to be asked before I was just kissed) and I told him I wanted to wait. I was so mad at myself for so long because I was a senior in high school before I got my first kiss.

But yeah… The only reason that was my best date was just because he treated me so well. I really felt like a princess… But there was nothing there between us. I’d take a date of sitting on the kitchen floor eating pizza with someone I really care about over anything like that.

There. Now you know how pathetic I am.

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
Subject: Keds

Well, I’m sorry to hear that your best date was with someone you didn’t really care about. I agree that it’s a really important part of a date. Maybe one day you’ll have your best date. I hope so, for you.

My best date has got to be April 25th, because it’s not too hot and it’s not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.

From: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: Sun Chips

You’re too sweet. Thanks for the Sun Chips and coke, and for the quoting of my guilty pleasure. :) I was feeling kinda crummy, so thanks…

I’m so close to accepting your answer because it’s amazing that it’s killing me. But I can’t accept it. I have to let it go and say, suck it up and tell me, mister.

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
Subject: Rootbeerfloats

I took a girl to a golf course once. We had pizza, shot putt-putt, and kissed. It was my first kiss. I don’t remember her name, honestly.

I’m hoping the same as you.

From: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: iPods

Wow. I really hope you remember more than that when you date your wife.