To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Silly me

I forgot to print you out your playlist, and since you can’t listen at work (or can you? Check your desk drawer) I thought I’d send it to you now so you can get just a small glimpse of what it is that is on that ratty CD I made you. I’ll even throw in liner notes for you.

1. Vienna (Billy Joel)- Well, it is your favorite song.

2. Sing (Travis)- Do you remember this song at all? It’s the one we swayed to out in the parking lot the night that we read through Threat Level Midnight… I only wish we’d actually gotten the part.

3. When I Laugh (The Glands)- It just reminds me of you. I think laughing is our favorite thing to do. I’m not really sure what they’re talking about, but come on, it is pretty groovy to listen to. Yep, groovy.

4. Through Any Window (Wisely)- Okay, so everyone knows the best track on any album is track four. And this song is just amazing. Just amazing. They sound like Simon & Garfunkel, but they’re just… I don’t know, awesome. I think they are probably your perfect song. This one will knock Vienna off the charts.

5. Phone Call #27 (Admiral Twin)- Uhh.. You’re the receptionist. But seriously, has the phone ever sounded so good?

6. Those Sweet Words (Norah Jones)- Okay, so um, guilty pleasure number seven: Norah Jones. I can picture you waking up to this song… Or going back to sleep to it. :)

7. Ghost (Neutral Milk Hotel)- Okay really. How can you NOT like this song?

8. Better Days (Faith Hill)- Okay. Call me a dork, but I need you to listen to this song. And just pretend like I wrote it for you, okay? Okay.

9. Somewhere Only We Know (Keane)- I think I just like the lyrics… They’re almost haunting, in a strange way… I don’t know. So tell me when you’re gonna let me in/I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin. I don’t know… Shivers.

10. Chicago (Sufjan Stevens)- I just really want to go to Chicago. I just wish there was someone I was in love with that would drive there with me.

11. Something More (Sugarland)- This really should be called Pamela Beesly. And let’s be honest, you still have two years until you reach five, but I could TOTALLY picture you telling Michael you have better things to do with your life. Hah.

12. Somebody to Love (Queen)- I don’t know. I can just picture little Pam jumping on her bed and singing into hair brushes into her pajamas and rocking out to Queen… Because who else is there to rock out to?

13. Passenger Seat (Stephen Speaks)- It’s just a happy go-lucky song. I don’t really know how to describe it, but I think it will make you happy.

14. Me and Julio Down At The Schoolyard (Simon & Garfunkel)- Okay, c’mon honestly. Is there such a thing as a mix CD without a little S&G? Definitely not. If I be me, will you be Julio?

15. Her Eyes (Pat Monahan)- Seriously. I love this song. Have you heard Meet Virginia before? This is a lot like that, except it’s more real and more you I think…

16. Rebellion(Lies) (Arcade Fire)- There are some songs you just plain like.

17. Green Eyes (The Rocket Summer)- It just reminds me of you. Not the whole thing… Just Green eyes that smile mostlyBecause yours do. And I like your eye smiles.

18. Gone for Good (The Shins)- How can you not LOVE the Shins? Another automatic mix CD band. And it is so cool to like them, so shut up.

19. Angel (Jane Jensen)- I dare you to listen to this song when you draw. I can just picture you creating some perfect drawing while listening to this… And, I don’t know, this could be your theme song.

20. The Great Escape (Boys Like Girls)- It just makes me think about The Perks of Being a Wallflower and driving around town with the windows down panting out the window… Like a dog, except you’re still a human… My favorite quote in the whole book is “and in that moment, we were infinite.” I just imagine that’s what it’s got to be like when you go driving with your best friend.

21. California Stars (Wilco)- I love this song. It reminds me of this girl I know.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Awwww

Thank you, Jim. I haven’t heard half of those songs, but I’m really glad I can listen to them now. And thanks for the CD player in my desk drawer. You’re just too great You really didn’t have to do this, though, you know…

I promise I’ll listen to it soon. Dwight is making me make a list of everyone in the office’s favorite candy and type of chip. I put you down for “eye candy” and “poker chips.” I just wonder what he’ll say, hehe. I’m not sure what secret mission this is for… Part of me wonders if maybe he’s finding this information out for Angela. What do you think?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Smile for me

Hmm, I think you’re right about them. Angewight sure have been whispering in the break room lately. Something about cookies.

Well, I’m surely sorry that he’s making you do that. For the record, you are completely right. However, if he asks for the edible type of candy and chips, what in the world will you say?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Suck it, Halpert

Candy- Sour Skittles and/or Snickers. It’s a toss up between the two.

Chips- French Onion sun chips, of course.

And how was that? I think I know you pretty well.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Attitude is everything

Wow, you do know me pretty well.

Tell me, what am I doing right now?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Having sex with Stanley

Read the above line.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Oh my gosh

Wow. How did you ever guess I was into the hilarious black guy from the office?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Rum and Tequila

Woman’s intuition.

So, I have an idea.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Twirling Babies

And what is this idea?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Sleeping Lobsters

Question Eight: Tell me the circumstances of the last time you cried. I want details.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Uterii

You’re trying to castrate me.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: You castrate yourself

Now why would I want to do that? You would be no good to me.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Aladdin

Are you saying we’re only friends because of my penis?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Eat your wheaties

Use your head, Jim.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Playground sex

That’s what she said.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Cookie dough

Okay, time to answer the question, pervert.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Ricola!

Okay, fine… The last time I cried was actually last week. I’d had a really rough day, and I just needed to let some tears fall.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: I hope you cook your penis on your Foreman grill

Okay, um, totally not acceptable. I need the details, friend.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: My penis is not sausage!

Fine. You were gone all day on Monday, and I missed you. I tried to get off of work early, but I found Dwight playing darts in the hallway and the dartboard was my face, so we had to have a long talk… Then I came home and I was kind of expecting a phone call from you since you usually call me at night if you weren’t at work, but I didn’t get one. I did get one from my niece (sister’s daughter) who was sobbing because her dad is heading overseas to Iraq. He’s part of the Reserves, but she was just so upset. She kept begging me to come and see her and give her a hug and I don’t know. It broke my heart, okay?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Sausage is bigger.

Oh, tough stuff. How old is your neice?

Where did Dwight get the Halpert dartboard? I totally want one.

I’m sorry I didn’t call or email you. I didn’t realize you wanted me to.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Breakfast Penises, now in your grocery store’s frozen food aisle

She’s eight. Her name is Hannah. It’s just really tough because her dad was overseas last year in Iraq for about eleven months, and I think Hannah is scared that he’ll be over there for longer this time. She kept talking about how daddy was deserting her and was never coming back. I’m going to go visit her and my sister, Laura, at the end of the month.

You can pick them up at Target. They’re $11.95 plus tax.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Daisies are the happiest flower

Is Hannah normally a worrier? Wow, I can’t imagine the pain of having someone you love overseas like that. Are you holding up okay?

You can talk to me about it if you want.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

Yeah, it’s just a difficult situation. I think it’s really hard for Laura because Walt is in the reserves, and they have all of these military friends who aren’t, and they aren’t being sent over there but he is. And on top of that Hannah’s so upset. Caitlin is doing okay (the older one, she’s 10), but Hannah is just having a difficult time. Laura says she keeps calling her every ten minutes at work talking about how much she misses her daddy and she won’t let Laura go anywhere without her. She’s constantly hanging on her and hugging on her… It just breaks my heart to see her this upset. And I know Laura is upset too, so it’s just hard. Last time Walt was over there, they kept saying it would just be one month, but a month certainly lasts a lot longer in Iraq than it does here. I think Laura and Caitlin have both come to grips—as much as they can—with the idea that they have to worry about the phone call when they get it, not stress themselves over it now. But my Hannah. I don’t know… She’s just not normally like this. She’s normally very bubbly and happy all the time… She was acting so strange that Laura actually asked her if something had happened at school or if someone had touched her or what. Laura called the school therapist to come in and talk to her, but they still haven’t figured out what’s wrong with her.

I kind of want to take Hannah out for a weekend or something, but I don’t know what you do with an eight year old girl, and I really am not sure if I (or her mother) would feel comfortable with her away with just a “man” for the weekend. Even if I am an uncle, I’m sure there are some things a girl needs that dorky Uncle Jim can’t give her.

Thanks for the ears (eyes?). I’ve been wanting to get it off my chest to someone (I can’t talk to my sister, really because she’s so upset already) but I didn’t know how to bring it up. Now that you know, I might update you more as things progress.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject:National Sarcasm Society

Oh man… I’m sorry about that, Jim. I can’t imagine having a husband or a father in the military. I think it would break my heart to see him leave and go risk his life. I wish I could tell you what to do to make Hannah feel better, but I’m not a miracle worker, unfortunately… I just really don’t know what else to say.

If you still want to take Hannah, I don’t know if this would be weird or not, but I could help you out. I really like kids, and maybe a fun weekend with Uncle Jim is just what she needs. Let me know…

You know, you can talk to me about anything you want. It won’t be weird if you bring something up, whether it’s personal or silly. That’s what friends are for, and remember, I am the best friend. I am entitled to these kinds of things.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cycloptic Cupcakes

I really appreciate that, Pam. All of it, I mean. Sometimes I just need to talk, you know? And thanks for the offer on helping me with Hannah. If you really mean that, I might take you up on it. And I know I can talk to you.

Now, when was the last time you cried?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Michael just told me he was the only dinosaur still living

I really do mean that.

The last time I cried? The other night after I told you about Abby and Brian, but I’m assuming you probably wanted to know the last time before that.

Okay, I’m about to sound really lame… But it was right after I broke up with Roy… Well, not right after. I guess a few months after, about a month ago. You were with Katy, and Ryan and Kelly had just started dating, Meredith and Creed had their one night stand (and Phyllis too, apparently… but with someone else. Hopefully). Michael was dating both Carol and Jan, Oscar has always been dating Gil, Kevin and Stacey were doing well… I don’t know, I was just lonely, and I was surrounded by all of these couples, and I had no idea where I’d find someone.

Wow, this is embarrassing.

So, I went online and I was shopping for shoes because I do that when I’m upset… And I saw this add for a chat room, and I clicked on it because I have this really bad habit of clicking on the pop-ups (once, I accidentally downloaded transvestite porn. Whoops!) and before I knew it was at this singles site for the worldly traveler (my shoes were from Italy, I guess it thought I liked to travel. I swear, Google is alive!). I created this whole profile page and everything. And normally if I was going to do something like this, I would be Patricia Stevens, a Hollywood model, age 24 with DD breasts and a flat stomach, but this time, I decided I would just be me… You know? So much pretending with Roy and just in general, I just wanted to be myself.

So, I typed up my entire profile. I was Pam, 27, receptionist, Pennsylvania. I liked to watercolor and watch silly movies and laugh. I was down to earth, not very spicy, but a good person.

I would say that generally sums me up, wouldn’t you?

Well, let’s just say the only hit I got was a jerk telling me that I should be ashamed of myself for looking the way I did and that I sounded like a real drag.

I deleted my account and seriously cried myself to sleep. Not that I care what Juan said, but it’s just, like… I don’t know. It hurt, because I was out there in black and white and nobody wanted to even know more about me… It was like a personal rejection. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll never get married. What if Roy was my only chance and I just blew it, Jim? I don’t know….

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Next week on The Bachelor

Pam... First of all, you’re an amazing person and any guy would be lucky to have you. And I mean that. You’re beautiful and smart and funny and you can draw really good too. And you shouldn’t have to be Patricia Stevens for a man to want to be with you. A true man would want to be with you just the way you are. And you know guys are sleaze balls. Or at least that guy was.

Why didn’t you tell me how you felt about Katy? I would have liked to have known.

I am really, seriously impressed with your question today. Quality. Quality.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Oy, with the poodles already!

Thanks, Jim… I think I’m starting to understand that… And I don’t want to be anyone other than Pam because she’s what I’m good at being. I was always a shoddy actor, and with Roy, sometimes I felt I had to act out and be what he wanted me to be. I would rather just be me… So thanks.

Would you have broken up with her? Because it made me sad you were with her? Honestly, Jim… I want you to be happy. My sadness shouldn’t get in the way of that.

Thank you. I was impressed by your answer.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: I want to be where the people are!

Acting is not your forte, but art sure is. Can I have a piece of art for Christmas? Or Hanukkah? Or Easter? Or Presidents Day?

Yes, I would have. I knew she wasn’t right for me from the beginning. I wasn’t ever looking for anything long term with her. If I would have known it made you uncomfortable/sad/upset, I would have stopped it of course. Seeing you sad has NEVER made me happy. Silly girl.

Did you hear Bob Hope passed away? Poor guy.