To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Someone’s after me lucky charms!

Top of the morning to ya, Halpert.

Funny story. I don’t know if you know this about me, but my mother is Scottish-Irish. Hence the curly hair thing I have going on and the green eyes? You know? Well, my Dad is this big burly man who doesn’t care a lick about history or where we came from. It’s really quite comical because my mom thinks it’s the most important thing in the world. They had this huge fight when I was four (they fight so cute!) about how to best educate my sister and I on our family history. Nobody really won. But I swear, for a year after that, whenever we came downstairs dad would pour us a bowl of lucky charms and say, “Top ‘er the mornin’ to yer, girls!” And my mom would just laugh and roll her eyes at first, but by month seven or eight she was getting really annoyed. Then finally, one day, I came down for breakfast and my dad poured the lucky charms, opened his mouth to say “Top ‘er the mornin’ to yer, girl,” and my mom came in the kitchen and said “JESUS CHRIST BILL! SHE KNOWS SHE’S IRISH!”

It was probably the funniest thing in my childhood. Because my mom would never, ever, yell out Jesus Christ, especially not at the dinner table, and especially not in front of her five year old daughter. My dad (Bill) just looked at her for a moment, and then turned to me and said, “Someone’s after me lucky charms!”

I just remembered that today because Michael came in chanting “Hears, stars and horsehoes! Clovers and blue moons! Pots of gold and rainbows! And me red balloons!”

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Brush your teeth with Colgate

Wow, Beesly. Thanks for the trip down memory lane. I haven’t had lucky charms since I was like, seven. But, they were my cereal of choice for a good five years or so. I can’t decide if I like it better that we ate the same cereal growing up and your dad is a funny dork, or that Michael apparently eats lucky charms for breakfast. Or at least watches the commercial enough to know the whole song.

Your dad’s name is Bill. Is your mother’s name Angela?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: WILMA!!!

Lucky charms were dang good, let me tell you. I think I ate that stuff even in college. I’ll probably die pretty soon, but man was it good while it lasted!

No, my mother’s name is Janet.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Julio, down by the schoolyard.

You probably will die soon. Which will be sad.

My mother’s name is Larissa. My father’s name is Larry. We live in Lancaster, and we sell Lazy boys.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Oh man

My mother’s name is Margaret. My father’s name is Magnus. We live in Mount Joy, and we sell Mangos.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: N-O

My mother’s name is Nancy. My father’s name is Ned. We live in Naples, and we sell nothing.

My mother’s name is Olivia. My father’s name is Oliver. We live in Origami, and we sell O-town CDs.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Like stealing cake from a fat kid

My mother’s name is Phyllis. My father’s name is Packer. We live in Pennsylvania, and we sell penises.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Penis R Us

Oh my gosh.

You totally win at that game. Phyllis and Todd Packer and you are selling penises. Can you please tell me how much they cost? And how do they come? Do you pay by the inch? Or the pound? Or the mileage? Or the condition? And how much does an average penis cost?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Pancakes

We don’t sell average penises, Jim. We only sell exceptional penises. We have a 90 day guarantee. If your penis doesn’t thrust, we’ll exchange it for a new one, free of charge.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Do you sell on eBay?

Well, if I ever need to sell my penis, I’ll make sure to go to your company first.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: There must be steroids in macaroni

We wouldn’t take your penis.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Paris! Paris!

Oh, burn! But to be honest, you haven’t seen my penis. How do you know it’s average?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Where is this going?

I know it’s not average. It’s below average. It’s like a little crayon.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Coldstone Creamery

Are you telling me you draw with my penis?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Tommy Lee Jones

No, I’m more into watercolor.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Puppies

Watercolor with my….

Okay, question seven: Which of your body parts are you the most self-conscious about? Tell me why.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Rocky Road

Are these questions supposed to be this awkward to answer? I feel like I’m letting my entire soul go free into the open. It’s kind of not fun, being this transparent… But I guess I’d rather be with you than anyone else.

And I watercolor with paints.

I guess I’m going to have to say my legs. They’re short and kind of stocky, and I’ve just kind of always wanted longer ones. And I know this might be gross, or whatever, but hair grows way too fast. I swear I shave on Monday morning and by Monday night I need to shave again. It’s so annoying. And my legs are pale! And they have freckles. And I hate my thighs… It just annoys me. I wish I had long, lean, tan legs like those girls who broadcast their legs on sunscreen bottles.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Pretty Pretty Princess

Wow. I never would have guessed your legs. I’ve always really liked them.

I know they’re awkward to answer, but don’t you feel better after you do? Knowing that someone doesn’t care about all of your weird quirks and is okay with who you are. You know? I guess I feel like if you get through enough awkward conversations and questions okay, eventually you’ll be able to come up to me and just blurt out what you want and not worry about holding back. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for with you. I think everybody needs that…. Transparency is good if you trust the other person.

Your answer is accepted. My answer would have to be my penis, after our last conversation.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Flannel pajamas

You wouldn’t have guessed my legs? Tell me, then, Jim, what would you have guessed?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Old Yeller’s dead

Woah, slow down, Lassie… I wasn’t saying that to be mean or to make some sort of point that your legs are better than a certain other part. I was just saying that I don’t think you need to be self-conscious about them… I really wouldn’t have guessed anything. There’s nothing wrong with you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Jungle Book

Oh, okay. Well, thanks…

Will you tell me your real one now, please? I can’t assure you otherwise if you stick with your “penis.”

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Wastebaskets

My real answer is my feet. They’re big and awkward and there is hair growing on my toes, which is just really weird looking. I swear, I have gorilla feet. Or something like that. They’re just huge. Did you know I wear a size thirteen? I have to order most of my shoes. Even Foot Locker doesn’t carry them. It’s horrible. And when I play basketball, I can’t sneak around people very well because I end up tripping over them with my huge feet. Grr.

I have a question for you. What is your favorite part on a man?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Ahem

You know what they say about men with big feet? Big in other areas too. Maybe my family will sell you after all.

My favorite part of a man? Smile, I think… No, I’ll be honest, butt and thighs. Oh man. Send me to a Renaissance Fair any day! Robin Hood Men In Tights, yes please!!!

What about you?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Hemingway was an alcoholic

Well, I agree with what they say. If penises had a shoe size, mine would be 13 as well.

Butts and thighs? Beesly!!!! That’s way too good to be true. I will be sure to take you to a Renaissance Fair the next time they come in town. Is that why you were in ballet for so long?

I like the smiling eyes. Green, especially.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Hot Dogs.

Butts and thighs are the new trend, Halpert. You’re lucky you’ve got a nice set.

Haha. Stop teasing me.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Green eyes that smile…

Why, thank you.

I’m not teasing you. I really do like your eyes when you smile.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: I dream of Jeannie

Well, then, stop flirting…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Times New Roman, size 12

Hey, I’m taking Hannah this weekend. Will you help me? The fair is in town. Maybe we can all go? I need help with this whole thing…

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Jean jackets

Yeah, I’d love to go with you guys and help you. Why don’t you meet me at the guilty pleasure hot spot right after work and we can brainstorm ideas. I am an ultimate girl party planner. She won’t know what hit her.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Corn dogs

You’re the best.