On a lazy, cold, snowy Saturday afternoon, they lay in a heap on the oversized sofa in Pam’s living room. His eyes are heavy and focused on the baseball game playing on the television screen. He’s watching the players every move as the baseball flies over the outfielders heads. But, she’s not paying attention to the game at all. She has her eyes affixed to his every feature as her hand and head rest on his rising and falling chest.

His face is tired and soft and she smiles when she notices the stubble on his chin. She can feel the thumping of his beating heart under her palm and lets it linger there a little bit longer; just to feel the driving beat of him. She’s enamored with it, the feel of life under her finger tips, and just knowing that it’s Jim’s heart that fits in the palm of her hand.

She’s had his heart in her hand before. Sadly, at that time, she couldn’t keep it. She had to give it back, mangled and broken. That moment of his confession not only broke his open heart, it broke hers into to tiny pieces that were never fully found again.

Until now.

She lifts her head up a little, to remind him that she’s still there, while he gets lost in the score and strike outs. He shifts a little, turns his head towards her and sighs, his eyes flickering shut for a second of time. She doesn’t say anything; just lets the content silence between them speak for her. He breaks a smile and touches his lips to hers for a quick peck on the lips, then turning his attention back to the coach yelling at the pitcher. Even though she wants his complete and undivided attention, she knows that he’s got her right where they both want to be. He’s got his hands carefully positioned on her back as she still peers up at his profile.

The next thing she knows, she’s asking him to do her a favor. She’s uncertain about what his response will be, but let’s the words pour out of her mouth slowly.

Her eyes are steady on the side of his cheek. “Jim, would you want to meet my family next weekend?”

The sound of her voice made him jump slightly. He turned his head, his eyes wide, his mouth agape, but his reply sure. “I would love to,” he said, with a small smile spreading across his face. She smiles too, knowing that she gets to show off someone that she’s been waiting for the longest time to show off.

----

They arrive, hand in hand, excitement pouring from every part of them. They are a unit; a well oiled machine, acting as one. It was simple bringing him home to meet her parents and her brother’s family. She didn’t fear he wouldn’t win them over, he was a natural at meeting new people. He looked like he felt at home, and kept glancing at her, making her feel like she was the only one in the room.

Jim stood, excused himself to the restroom, and all of her family gushed as soon as he was clear from the room.

“Pam, Jim is terrific,” she heard her mother whispers across the table. Her father simply nodded, grabbing her mother’s hand and squeezing it.

“He’s handsome too,” her sister-in-law agreed, giving Pam a wink.

“He’s nothing like Roy,” Pam’s brother said, grabbing the attention from the entire table. He gave a look and gasped, “What?” The family fell silent for a few moments.

Pam shot a look back then glancing over her shoulder to see whether Jim had returned yet.

“I didn’t say that was a bad thing,” he said, trying to make amends. “It’s just…” he babbled on, with the attention of the entire family. “How long are you going to date Jim before you break it off? Is ten years your limit?”

It was cruel. It was rude and it was mean. She was hurt that her sibling could be so cold to her. She couldn’t even speak; embarrassed that she was having this conversation in front of her whole family. She held back the tears and the anger and looked over her shoulder again to check for Jim’s presence. She saw his shadow stop and then begin to move again. He walked back into the dining room his head hung low and took his place at the table. She could see the eyes of her peering family on her face and his. She felt trapped and was ready to drive far away, despite the snow falling outside.

She wanted to stand, make a scene, shove a plate of macaroni on her brother’s face, because he would never know the pain and heartache she’d been through. He wouldn’t understand their relationship or how they managed to even be at this point in their lives. Instead of making an outburst, she glanced at Jim to see a hurt expression all over his face, taking another bite of his chicken. Suddenly, she’d lost all appetite at the sight of his expression.

She placed her hand on his bouncing knee and he acknowledged her for a split second and then ducked his head back down to look at his plate. She pulled her hand away and shot a look of annoyance at her mother and her brother, both watching intently as the tension filled the room.

Their gazes subsided as dinner trudged on. When the table was being cleared, Jim and Pam made their way towards the back door patio, where the snow was falling around them. The moment they stepped foot outside, the chill of the snow and dinner’s events wracked their bones. Pam caught his hand in hers, feeling the beat of his pulse at his wrist. Somehow, that assured her that he was still hers.

“What happened in there?” he asked quietly, not making eye contact.

She bit her lip. “What are you talking about?”

He shifted rigidly, staring into her inmost being. “Are you serious? Were you even in there?” he asked sarcastically, getting upset. His lips formed a thin line as he waited for her answer.

She shook it off. “It was just….Brian doesn’t always see things-” she started, getting cut off.

“You’re vouching for him right now? Granted, I don’t know the guy very well but what he just said was…rude…and hurtful. You’re just gonna take it?” he asked, concern and frustration filling his eyes.

She looked down at her wet shoes in the white snow. Suddenly, she wished they were still lying on the couch, wrapped up in one another, with the roar of the baseball crowd in their ears. She’d give anything for that moment.

“Jim, come on. They’re just trying to look out for me…and apparently, you. So what if they insulted me? Isn’t that what family’s for?” she said, trying to lighten the mood while her hand ran up and down his arm.

He wasn’t buying it. “No, Pam. Encouragement…a little bit of encouragement right now would be great. I’m sorry…but he not only insulted you, he insulted me.”

She couldn’t resist. “What do you want me to do? Go in there and yell and scream about all my problems?” she asked hesitantly. “They don’t know what happened to me about a year and half ago, Jim. All they know is that one day I woke up, dumped Roy, and moved out. That’s it. They have no explanation for my actions…or why our relationship is so special to me.”

“Well, it’d be nice to know that you would want to tell them,” he said, coldly. He dropped his gaze to his feet and up to the winter night sky.

She had no words to speak. She wanted to rewind and replay what went wrong in her head. She couldn’t argue with him so, she dropped his hand, and made her way towards the door. She looked over her shoulder to speak.

“I’ll grab my purse and let them know we’re heading out.”

He managed a nod that she didn’t see. He breathed in the cool air one last time before heading back into the warm house to bid farewell to her family.

----

They slowly walked to his car, parked on the slope of the driveway. They didn’t speak, just thought about the long drive home in the winter weather. Both of them were aggravated and upset, ready to burst at any moment. Their doors were slammed shut in haste. Pam rested her head in her hand as she leaned as far to the right as she possibly could. She gazed out of the window, looking for something to take her mind off of the awkward argument still filling the confined space of the car.

Jim started the car and pulled away from Pam’s childhood home, sighing with relief, and tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. The neighborhood streets were a sea of white flakes. Jim glanced over at Pam slouching, almost laying on the passenger door and slowed the car to a stop. When she noticed they weren’t moving, she looked over to ask what the problem was, just to see his hand reaching towards her.

With his eyes fixed on her confused face, he reached around her, pulled the seatbelt with his long fingers and pushed it into it’s lock. She kept her gaze on his while he tugged the seatbelt taught across her chest. She new she wouldn’t ever forget the expression on his face as he gave it one more tug and sighed out of aggravation. He leaned upright again, put the car in drive and proceeded to the turnpike that would take them all the way home.

The hour was late, the moon barely peeking it’s head throw the snow clouds above them. The car was silent except for the low hum of newscasters chatting about the recent snow storm plaguing Pennsylvania. They kept their eyes on the road, avoiding the situation at hand and letting their minds forgive and forget.

As Pam’s eyes began to pull closed from exhaustion, she felt her stomach do a flip, then she felt Jim’s hand there, as to comfort that feeling. When she opened her eyes, her hand was clutching his, as she felt the car skid to a slippery stop. They both took deep breaths and eyed one another. The car was sitting sideways on the turnpike, it’s lights glowing in the direction of the other side’s traffic. Pam felt a sense of comfort leave her body as he retracted his hand to reverse the car and straighten the wheels. Before he put the car in drive, he looked over and spoke low, “You okay?”

She nodded, holding tight to the seatbelt strapped across her chest.

---

Nearly three hours later, they pulled into Pam’s familiar driveway. As usual, Jim walked around, opened her door, grabbed her hand and escorted her to her door. They stood there at her door, barely able to speak about the coldness between them.

Pam pushed her key into her door, leaned into it until it popped open, and marched in, waiting for him to follow. When he didn’t she furrowed her brow.

“Aren’t you staying here tonight?” she asked, looking through her tired eyelids at him earnestly.

Jim looked at his feet for the second time in one night. “Nah. I think I’m gonna go to my place tonight. Call you tomorrow though?” he asked, lifting his eyes wide.

She was shocked. She never thought their little disagreement would lead to him resorting to separate beds. It had never been that way. She nodded in defeat, letting him go for one night. It was already hurting to be so far away from one another.

“Okay,” she said, squeezing tighter to her purse strap. “Night,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets and making his way down the porch steps.

She shut her door with tears filling her eyes. Pam watched as the red tail lights of his car reflected in her window. She didn’t even kick off her shoes, she just fell on the couch backwards. When she wanted to give in, call him, take off in her car to get him and bring him back to the place where he belonged, she told herself it was for the best they have a night apart.

Then, she convinced herself she never wanted to forget the feeling of his heart under her palm or the feeling of his hand catching her when her life is spinning out of control. So, she grabbed her jacket and keys and pulled open her front door to reveal him standing there, heart on his sleeve as the snow glistened on the ground. She stopped abruptly, surprised by his presence.

He shook his head, where the snowflakes were finding rest, and spoke. “I don’t care whether or not your family knows our history or whether or not they know how much we’ve both messed up to get here,” he began. She listened with tears in her eyes. “I also don’t care whether your brother likes me or thinks that I’m just some toy you’re going to throw away in a year… or ten, for that matter,” he said, with a slight chuckle. “Because in my heart of hearts I know that you wouldn’t do that to me. And, right now, I’m more sure than I’ve ever been in my entire life, that I want to spend eternity with you. There’s nothing anyone can do to make me reconsider that, Pam. No one.”

She took a step towards him, filling the cold gap between them and rested her tiny hand inside his jacket, finding that familiar spot that she loved to touch. His hand reached up and grasped hers, making her eyes flicker up to his.

He brushed his soft lips against hers and her eyes shut tight as she took a second to revel in the moment. Her hand stayed over his beating chest, as did his hand, over her hand. They stood there, embracing, sinking into one another, ignoring the winter chill sweeping past their bodies.

She knew that the heart beating frantically under her hand was more fragile than any piece of china or crystal in the world. And, yes, she knew that their relationship was bound to be broken once or twice in a lifetime. She dreaded hurt and failure but was assured that as long as the heart under her sweaty palm was still beating, she’d be okay. She could make it.

Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.