I watched as she pulled her night shirt and a pair of socks from our shared suitcase and bundled them into her arms...for the third time. When she turned around, our eyes caught for a moment and she smiled.

"Sorry for earlier...at dinner. My mom's still...I don't know..."

"No - Pam...it's totally ok. I mean...under the circumstances -

"And I'm sorry for not," she gestured towards the bed I was perched on the end of; the guest bed that I would be sleeping in alone. "I don't know it just feels weird to sleep together....in my parent's house. I know it's crazy...I know we're adults, and they obviously know that we -

"No, don't worry about," I heard myself say.

I was unbelievably unselfish this week. Look at me being a grown up.

She smiled again and started collecting things out of the suitcase. She sat her nightshirt and socks down again...apparently she couldn't commit to what she wanted...

What would she do next?

I knew what she wouldn't do. What she would not do was turn to me with tears in her eyes and yell about how unfair it was that her father was dying. Scream that because of the terrible cancer that was eating away at him, this would be their last Thanksgiving together here on this earth. Pam wasn't going to do that - of that I was 98.5% sure.

The ‘this isn't fair' phase had lasted all of an evening for Pam, after she'd first found out a few months back. There'd been tears at first...but even those had been abnormally subdued.

It was a cruel thought...it wasn't that I wanted her to feel pain. But I did want to shake her! Everything in me wanted to stand up, cross the foot between us, put my hands on her shoulders and shake her until she came out of this...this place - wherever it was that I couldn't fully access her.

Because if I hadn't been able to get through to her before, it'd been even harder since we'd gotten to this house yesterday. Since yesterday the fence around her had turned from wooden to steel.

And now I felt guilty because all of those thoughts lead back to one conclusion...she needed to be something else - for me.

"You ok?" Stupid, stupid question. Of course she's not ok.

She frowned a bit and nodded quickly, bending back down to rummage through her toiletries. "Totally...I just need...have you seen my tooth brush?"

I stood up and grabbed my own bag, quickly pushed the contents aside. "No...but this is yours," I said grinning, as I held up the round pink compact of her birth control pills.

And NOW I'm thinking about sex again...God what is WRONG with me?

"Oh weird...maybe my tooth brush is in there then?"

We'd packed quickly, our things getting tumbled all together. It wasn't entirely impossible that she'd left her toothbrush lying on her bed back home.

"Yeah, I don't see it."

Pam sighed heavily. "That's......I guess I'll go buy one...the drug store's still open I think."

She was getting ready for bed. She'd already taken off all her make-up, her eyes were heavy with the fatigue...and she wanted to go the store? For a tooth brush?

"Here, just use mine..." I said holding it up.

She found my eyes. "No...I think I'm just gonna go -

"Pam, I'm pretty sure if I was gonna give you cooties you would have gotten them by now..."

I chuckled at the close of that sentence, because she looked as if I'd stricken her.

"No, I..." Shook her head...I watched in silent horror as her eyes started to fill with tears. Crap.

"I know," I said grinning like an idiot. "I have a great idea...Why don't we just go to the store?"

So maybe I wasn't as eager for her to cry as I thought.

~~~~~~

The store was too damn bright. Everything that was wrong with the world was illuminated. Racks and racks of celebrity gossip about who was too fat, too strung out, or just far too rich for their own good.

It illuminated other things too...the dark circles under Pam's eyes as she perused the shelf of toothpaste and brushes. Seriously?...There were this many kinds of toothbrushes? How had I never noticed this?

"I used to work here."

The comment was off-hand. She hadn't even looked up when she'd said it, but I made a grab for it anyway!

"No way ...I can not believe that the Pam Beesly employee magic was first displayed here...."

"Yep," she said smiling up at me. "High school...I loved it."

I didn't mind seeing that smile under bright lights. I licked my lips and remembered that I needed chapstick.

"Why on earth did you love it?"

She shrugged. "I don't know...the orderliness? Is that a word?..."

"I think so."

"Just...everything had its place, you know? I'm probably the only person on the planet that loves doing inventory."

I smiled at her and reached out to stroke her hair - because that was something else that the bright light of the store made spectacular and I felt literally compelled to touch it -- but then she was bending down again. Out of reach...crouching down in front of that lowest shelf of toothbrushes.

I put my hands back in my pockets.

"Pammy?...Pammy is that you?"

We both turned at the sound of his voice.

"Oh my God...hey..." Roy said coming down the aisle. His smile died when he saw me..."Halpert?"

"Hey...Roy," I said, returning the enthusiasm of his greeting. I shoved my hands even deeper inside my pockets.

I watched as Pam smiled and stood to her full height. The smile...well the smile met her eyes. She wasn't just trying to smile, or trying to be amused or grateful...she was actually just - smiling.

"Hey," she said, and Roy reached out to hug her.

I averted my eyes...searched for a toothbrush that might be to her liking... maybe I'd get a toothbrush too. Or maybe not...maybe I'd just use my old cooties infected one.

They were whispering. They probably didn't mean to whisper...but they were - whispering.

"Hey...I'm really sorry, Pammy.".....

"It's ok..."

.... "I'm gonna stop by on Thanksgiving."

Oh that's so awesome...So glad Roy's going to be able to spend Thanksgiving with us. That'll be just......great.

"How's your mom holding up?"...

"Ok. Not so good."....

"Yeah...you?"....

He was rubbing her back then. That was nice...that was thoughtful......Asshole.

"I'm doing ok - you know."...

"Yeah, call me if you need anything - anything ok? Really."...

"Yeah...thanks.....God, when was the last time I saw you here?"....

"I know total déjà vu feeling right?...I don't know - probably my last day?"

Oh cute...lots of smiles...Old times. You worked here together? Oh...that's...

"I remember you always loved doing the shelves...so weird. You would have rather done the shelves than ring somebody up in a heartbeat..."

"Right...right......Jim?"

I looked up because someone was addressing me. Could quite literally feel my eyebrows rise up into the stratosphere. "Yep?"

"I was just...I think this is the one I wanted," she said tapping a brush against her palm.

I nodded...and thought about perhaps manually pulling my eyebrows down. "Ok."

"Ok," Pam said, glancing at Roy. "We're gonna just..."

"Sure," Roy said, nodding. "I'll see you tomorrow then at some point."

"Ok...yeah...bye..."

She asked me if I was ready as she walked towards me, slipping her hand into mine. It took me a moment...I actually hesitated before squeezing her fingers. It's like I suddenly wasn't sure what to do...what not to do.

I recognized the feeling then - all of a sudden it was like being thrust back in time. A time back before I knew what my role was.

"Jim?"

"Yeah...let's go."