By the time I fell asleep that night in a bed that wasn't familiar, without a body that was more familiar than my own, lying next to me - it was time to get up. The smell of turkey woke me, making me jolt upright in bed. In that instant, I was certain that I'd slept right through the day and now it was dinner time.

Pam's going to kill me!

I glanced over my shoulder at the alarm.

Thank God.

It was still early....Apparently the Beesly's started Thanksgiving festivities earlier than the Halperts did.

My parents had been really understanding when I'd called to say I wouldn't be making it this year. So, understanding in fact that thinking about our conversation even now made me feel guilty.

It being my first official Thanksgiving with Pam...there are certain expectations that I'd had. Most of which involved showing her off to my family and friends back home. I know...it sounds horrible even thinking about it...but I'd talked about her so much! For years! I wanted to prove once and for all that she actually existed...that I hadn't made her up, and that she was as wonderful as I'd described...and that I was finally, finally happy. But of course being with her family had taken priority.

"No...you do what you need to do," my mom had said encouragingly. "I'll muddle through somehow."

"Mom -

"I'm kidding. Are you the only one allowed a sense of humor?...Honestly, Jim...her father is dying. Of course you're going to spend the holiday with them. Your father and I understand. We actually prefer your sister and brother anyway."

"Thank you...so much."

"Anytime...give her a kiss from us."

"Will do."

When we'd hung up, something had clicked for me though. It may have been the first time I'd realized how monumental this relationship had become. My own mother had said ‘of course' you're going to spend the holiday with her - her father is dying. ‘Of course.'

I was a part of something bigger now. It wasn't just - ‘what am I doing for the holidays' anymore. It wasn't just assumed that I'd be at my parent's house. I'd been welcomed to adulthood - real adulthood - in that instant. I was now a member of a committee that made decisions that had nothing at all to do with myself or my own comfort or well-being. I was a part of the Pam and Jim committee.

I liked it.

And even though the circumstances were horrible - her father was dying - when I'd gotten off of the phone with my mom that day...I'd been certain of one thing: this was it...this was my life - with Pam.

It was that thought that pushed me beneath the stream of hot water to wake myself up and got me dressed and down the stairs as quickly as I could even though someone was dying. I needed to be there for Pam.

A football game was playing in the family room...

"Yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about!"

I stopped cold on the bottom step. You have GOT to be kidding me.

Roy.

He'd said he'd stop by. Did stop by mean this early? Did stop by mean insinuate yourself into the living room, on the couch next to Pam's father with a beer in your hand....

Jeez.

"Good morning Jim."

"Good morning Frank," I said, swallowing hard against rising bile in my stomach. Suddenly my palms were sweaty.

Ridiculous.

Frank Jr. who everyone lovingly referred to as Frankie, lifted his own beer in silent salute, before Roy turned to me and gestured towards the seat next to Frankie.

"Hey Halpert...take a seat, we're just watching the game here."

Thank you so much for inviting me in...

"Nah...not y- ...I'm gonna go see Pa -

"She ran to the store real quick. She'll be back."

I forced my tongue to stay exactly where it was and nodded silently before taking the spot next to Frankie on the other couch.

"You want a beer?"

It wasn't even noon yet. "No, I'm good...thanks though Frankie."

"We ran out of cranberry sauce. My mom makes this cranberry rum cider..."

"Oh...that sounds good."

"Girls could you stop talking about your recipes?...We're watching a game here, right?" Roy said shaking his head before taking another swig of his beer. "Frank? You want another one man?"

Pam's father nodded and Roy got up quickly, headed for the kitchen. Maybe he'd fall on something on his way there...maybe he'd trip and...puncture...something.

I looked at my hands and forced myself to stop clenching my fingers. One by one I laid them flat against my jeans. I glanced at the game and then back at Frankie, "Who you for?"

"Nobody...I hate football."

There was something I really liked about Pam's younger brother. It was really the first time I'd hung out with the guy for longer than an evening. Something about how incredibly honest he was though, drew me in. He was honest to a fault sometimes...but honest none the less. I admired that.

Frankie was in that strange kind of limbo that I remembered really well. Being home on break during his second year of college and feeling like he wasn't quite a member of his own family anymore. You might look exactly the same and sound exactly the same, but when it came right down to it, you were in a completely foreign land.

The culture had changed. The things you used to find completely acceptable no longer were and the things you now found interesting weren't interesting to anybody else.

I was figuring out a little about Frankie. It was Frank senior that I still couldn't quite figure out, and was scared to death that I wouldn't have the time to. Scarier than that - was the thought that even if I was miraculously given time - I still wouldn't know him.

The older man sighed, and shifted his socked feet on the foot rest that extended from the couch. His breath rattled eerily when he did it.

"You doing ok today Frank?" Dear God. What's wrong with me? Why do I keep asking everyone that stupid question? This guy is actively DYING and you ask him if he's doing ok...idiot.

"Peachy," Frank said, with a quirk of his lips. "You?"

I let out the breath I'd been holding. "Excited for some turkey...it smells really good."

"Jim. My wife's turkey is really good...I don't even like turkey - it's that good."

"Wow," I said smiling. "Does she know that?"

"I think I told her once when we were first married...it was bad timing though."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah...she was fumbling around with the damn thing...trying to get it out of the sink. I told her I didn't like turkey and before I could get the rest of the words out of my mouth -

"She hauled off and threw it at you."

"Hey! Thank you sir...thank you for ruining my story!" Frank Sr. said to Frank Jr. "And that's not how the story goes...she said "oh really?" then dropped the turkey on the floor and stormed out of the room.......I finished making the turkey that night and it was horrible."

I wasn't sure what the moral of that story was, but I found myself with tears in my eyes anyway as I laughed. Something about the image of perfect Allison Beesly, dropping the turkey on the floor...it felt familiar.

"God, she's just like her mother, my Pamela...All quiet and then suddenly BAM!...You suddenly know you made a big mistake."

Frank was the only person on earth who called Pam, Pamela.

I smiled. "No idea what you're talking about."

Frank grinned back. "Yeah, I'm sure you don't."

"Would you look at that! Score!" Roy cried, coming back into the living room. He handed Frank a beer, and plopped down next to him.

"Nothing until you came back in here."

"That's because I'm a lucky charm Frank...Just call me Lucky Charm - Roy."

That was funny. I had a list of things I called Roy in my head...and Lucky Charm wasn't one of them.

"That what happened?" Frank said grinning back at Roy.

The mood had shifted once again. Things had been going well between Frank and I . I'd finally felt like I was getting somewhere! And then there was Roy again.

Roy who felt like maybe he was a well-worn part of the upholstery here in the Beesly household. While I felt...I felt like a brand new piece of furniture that they'd picked - that they liked even...but they were still getting used to it. They still weren't sure it was quite as comfortable as their old furniture. Weren't sure it quite meshed with all the rest of the knick-knacks.

I wanted to mesh. I really, really wanted to mesh. More than I ever wanted to mesh with any group of people in my life.

"Hey Frank...remember that time Pammy and I broke that window?" Roy asked, pointing at the window behind the television.

Frank rolled his eyes and coughed a loud hacking kind of scary cough. Roy turned positively white - in that moment he looked sicker than Frank did.

Next to me, Frankie tensed. "Dad -

"Y-yeah......yeah....I remember," Frank said then, his eyes seemingly permanently bloodshot from the hacking. "Why you wanted to teach my girl football I'll never know..."

"'Cuz Frank Jr. caught like a girl!"

Roy, back to your old self...nice to see you buddy.

Frankie flipped Roy the bird and turned again towards the game that he hated.

I really liked Frankie.

"Pammy was pretty good at football actually...it was just that one day," Roy said, barely able to get the words out over his own laughter.

Frank started laughing too. "I remember she came in here in tears...trying to take the blame for you...didn't want me to make you pay for the window."

"But you did!"

"Of course I did! I knew who'd thrown it...Wasn't gonna let you off the hook that easy."

"Man, you never let me off the hook....always bustin' my balls..." Roy's voice trailed off as if he'd thought about something else just then. Like he wasn't in the memory at all anymore.

"Somebody needed to...." Frank said before taking another long drag from his beer.

I tried to focus on the game, while keeping one ear peeled for the sound of the garage door opening. I could only take so much of memory lane.

"I remember having to work every weekend just to pay for that new window..."

Frank cackled. "What the drug store wasn't paying you enough? Even after I pulled all those strings to get you that job?"

Soooo....Roy had worked with Pam in a drugstore. The same drugstore where Frank Beesly had helped Roy get a job. Aww...this Beesly-Andersen history lesson was really, really informative and special.

"My minimum wage ass couldn't afford shit back then...God..."

"How's the new job," Frank asked then. "They treatin' you right?"

Yeah are they providing you with boxing gloves for when you go on the attack with office staff?...What the hell! Shouldn't he have been asking ME those questions? Uh, I was pretty much his daughter's fiancé - the new one! Well...not quite. We weren't...I hadn't...

Jeez...

"No, real good Frank...real good. I think I'm actually gonna land the promotion. The boss pretty much guaranteed it when we talked last week. My friends back in Scranton are gonna flip out when I tell ‘em I'm the foreman."

"Congratulations," Frank said, and I listened as their beer bottles clinked.

"Yeah...thanks. It's good. It's real good."

I thought I'd been wishing so hard, that I imagined the garage door opening, but then I heard keys in the door and I quite literally sprang out of my seat.

"Hey," I said pulling the door open. I took Pam's grocery bags from her, and leaned around to kiss her cheek. Her poor cheek felt like ice, and I instantly wanted to take her in my arms, warm her up...

She moved past me, "Hey."

I followed her into the kitchen, dumping the bags I'd taken from her on the island in the middle of the room.

"You ok?"

What the HELL, Halpert?

"Yeah...um, do you mind helping my mom? She's got more bags than I do...apparently we needed more than just cranberry sauce," Pam added, an obvious edge in her voice as she rolled her eyes.

So shopping with mom hadn't been the best of girl-time...

"Oh yeah?" I said grinning.

"Yeah."

"Ok..." I said, realizing she hadn't intended on elaborating. I followed the draft outside, because the draft inside seemed even colder.

Allison struggled with some of the bags as she pulled them out of the trunk. Her SUV parked only halfway in the driveway.

"Need some help?"

"Oh...Hey, Jim. Yes....thank you. What's my husband doing?"

"Um...on the couch with Frankie and Roy...watching the game."

"Drinking?....Yeah, I can tell by your face that he is. Damn it...You know, I'm not sure how many doctors have to tell him to..." she shook her head. "It's ok...whatever...Can you take this please?" She said blowing her bangs out of her eyes.

The action reminded me so much of Pam that it made me stop for a moment.

She's inside you idiot...How can you miss her so much when she's just inside?

"Oh uh...yeah sure," I said leaning down to heft a ham off the ground. There was enough food to feed an army. Even though I was pretty sure it was just going to be the 5 of us tonight. "Wow...Allison you got a lot of stuff."

"Well...Roy's here. He eats a lot. Actually would you ask him to come out here please? I have a couple of things from his mother, and I want him to put them in his truck before I forget."

I licked my lips. Ow...fucking chapstick....If I'd known she was going to the store...

"Uh...yep. Sure."

Right as I was about to force my feet to move towards Roy, Allison sighed heavily and I stopped.

"Do - do you need me to do anything else?"

She shook her head tiredly. "No Jim...thank you though. You're such a big help."

The words sounded so heartfelt, that I had to wonder what the hell she was seeing that I wasn't. I wasn't helping at all.

Her grief had clearly addled her ability to think rationally.

Frankie was walking outside, rubbing his hands together to stave off the cold. "Jeez mom...what the hell? Are you feeding everybody in the county? This doesn't make any sense."

"Oh please don't start with me...Who's the one who's going to be raiding the refrigerator tonight and crying when he doesn't have enough to make a ham sandwich? Just...make yourself useful, ok?"

I started back towards the house as Frankie muttered, "Ham sandwich my ass...God forbid Roy shouldn't have enough for a care package."

Yeah...like Frankie more and more by the minute.

~~~~~~

Once all the groceries were put away or in use in some sauce or casserole, there was a moment...a moment in time when it felt normal. It felt like maybe I might be able to catch a minute with Pam that wasn't skewed by the facts that we were in her parents house, that it was Thanksgiving, or that her father was dying, or that Roy was here...

A split second to capture us...

"Hey," I said grabbing her hand when her mom left the kitchen for a moment. "I was thinking...Do you wanna go for a walk or something?"

And just then...just then something flickered behind her eyes. Something that unequivocally said, ‘Please...yes...please take me away from here.'

"It's gonna be awhile before we eat right? You could show me that house...The one you were talking about with the ter-

"I can't."

The words were out before I could even finish my sentence.

She looked down, "I just...I need to keep..." She shook her head...

Standing so closely in the kitchen...our one quiet moment, I found myself once more fixated by the colors in her hair. I pressed my lips to the very top of her head, letting them linger there for a moment...When I went to wrap my arms around her, she pulled back, sidestepping the embrace.

"Pam -

"My mom...she's gonna need help. I have to be here. Maybe we could go out later though?...

"I really think -

"Frankie!" she called loudly, turning her back to me. She leaned against the island and shot her voice towards the stairs. "Frankie!"

"He's taking -

"What Pam!" Frankie called emerging from his bedroom at the top of the stairs. "Jeez, I'm taking a nap!"

"Well I'm sorry to bother you, but I need your help getting the Christmas tree down!"

I sighed, "Pam I can -

"What?!" Frankie called back.

"I know! It's..." her voice trailed off and she looked at me and grinned shakily. The volume of her voice was for me now, "My mom wants to put up the Christmas tree tonight after dinner...I know - crazy..."

I swallowed around the sudden lump in my throat. I knew I wasn't imagining the very real touch of hysteria in her voice.

"That's fucking crazy!" Frankie called back.

"Hey!" Pam shouted back at Frankie. "Watch your language!"

"Ok, I'll watch my fucking language! I don't know where the Christmas tree is!"

Was this really happening? Seriously?

"I didn't ask if you knew where the Christmas tree was, I asked you to help me get it down!"

"For God's sake what's all the yelling about?" Frank Senior said, rounding the corner, Roy hot on his heels.

Jeez...

"Nothing Daddy," Pam said walking over to him. She rubbed his back slowly. "Do you need something?"

"I need you stop waking the dead - They're my future bffs and they don't wish to be disturbed.

I hung my head and shook it back and forth. Timing...man...timing of the jokes...NOT optimum.

Frankie came bounding down the steps, yanking earbuds out of his ears. "Pam where is it?...Jeez."

"In the garage."

I touched her arm, "Pam let's just -

"Want me to help Pammy?"

No she doesn't want you to FUCKING HELP - back off!.....Wait - who was I thinking about? Me or him? Who's help didn't she want?

Pam sighed in frustration. "Sure...whatever, just...Frankie get the ladder. I also need all the boxes of decorations."

Oh.

Frankie was shaking his head as he walked out of the house. Roy followed.

Roy...Roy was helping.

The door slammed behind the three of them, leaving Frank Senior and myself in the kitchen staring after them.

"Wow," Frank said. "And here I thought we were only going to get to enjoy the festivities of one family holiday..."

I only nodded. He really needed to stop trying to be funny.