It was past midnight when I let myself back into the house. The front door left unlocked for me and a post-it note stuck too the wood. It read simply:

Thank you.

Love,

Pam

I stood for a moment in the quiet, re-reading those four words as if they held the key to life.  Thank you...Love Pam.

"You're welcome," I whispered to nobody as I toed off my shoes and shook my head. The only thing to be heard was the ticking clock on the mantel in the family room.

Shit...So now I wasn't sure what to do.  I now felt sorry for Roy. Sorry......for Roy .  They were three words that I never would have strung together before tonight.  Quite frankly, I never ever wanted to feel anything for Roy other than hatred...at best, extreme dislike.

I had an aversion to people who treated Pam badly or people who were bullies.  To my thinking Roy fulfilled both of those qualifications and he had since I'd met him.

I was comfortable with that. But this new sense of maybe there being more to his being here than just making my life miserable....that thought made me completely uncomfortable.

The twinkling white lights of the Christmas tree brought me closer to the family room, where I stopped suddenly at the entrance. Somebody was crying. It was too dark to see at first, but when I got closer my eyes adjusted and made out the two forms on the couch.

Crying...

Lying there in the darkness, with nothing but the light of the holiday still a month away, shining on them; Pam was spooned up behind her mother, holding her as she cried.  She couldn't see me, but I could see her...and she wasn't crying. She was just busy doing another job - holding her mother, rocking her as she cried for her dying husband.

Absolutely rooted to the spot, I stood there for a moment...even when everything in me wanted to turn tail and run up the steps. This was who she was...

This is who she is...

That phrase rang out in my ears so loudly that it was a little disconcerting. As if someone else had said it. When I felt my throat start to close and tears burn the backs of my eyes, I did turn around. I lifted my shoes from the floor, letting them dangle from my fingertips as I made my way up the stairs. Going quietly so as not to have the floorboards creak beneath my feet.

Once in my room I blinked hard against my tears, feeling as if my breath was stuck somewhere in the middle of my chest burning a spot right in the center. All this time I'd felt like I'd needed to do something, but I realized in that very moment, that there was nothing that I could do to take Pam's pain away.  I could try and take her on long walks, try and hold her in the middle of the kitchen...but none of that would take it away, and what Pam wanted more than anything...was for it to go away. What Pam wanted more than anything was to wake up to a world where her father wasn't dying, her mom wasn't lying in her arms crying, and her brother wasn't excusing himself to nap, chain smoke, zone out to his iPod or any combination thereof.

All the shared memories...the renewed fondness for Roy...all of it....All of it was an effort to bring back something that couldn't be brought back.  It wasn't nostalgia for nostalgia's sake. It was an effort to survive.

And I'd been pissed to high heaven because her survival tactics made me uncomfortable. They forced me to deal with the fact that I couldn't fix it.  

Ok...ok, I got it...I can't fix it... So what the hell do I do? Well...there I go again...But there's gotta be something...

I couldn't stop her father from dying. I couldn't take away her pain with jokes or long walks. All I could do was let her know that I was here - waiting...All I could do was be here when she decided it was time to take care of herself...all I could do was take care of her in ways that maybe she couldn't see.

Maybe...maybe all I could do was everything I was already doing - I just needed to do it on purpose now. I needed to do it without thinking she didn't love me or need me. Without thinking she'd forgotten about me.

Because the truth was...this wasn't about me.

I read the words again: Thank you...Love Pam.

I grabbed a pen and some of the stationary in the guest bedroom desk and started to write.

Dear Pam,

You're welcome. 

Hey, I realized that I didn't get a chance to tell you what I was thankful for today...so I wanted to do that before you went to bed.  Technically it's already the day after Thanksgiving, but it was also our first one together...so I think that gives me some allowances for extra time.  You're with me on that, right?

First things first...I am so thankful that I met you.  I am so thankful for the person you are. I am thankful for your parents, because they made you. Not just physically (which I'm sure you don't want to think about) - but they had a hand in making you who you are...which is just...incredible. You are an incredible, incredible human being...Do you know that?

In these last three days I have learned a few things about you that I either knew on some level (but didn't know the HALF of)  or simply didn't know at all...

You are so kind and so warm.  I've always loved that about you...but watching you with your mom and dad (and even your brother sometimes) and even Roy...I don't think I've ever been as selfless as you are. I used to pride myself on a bit of selflessness...back when I loved you in secret.  I was so extremely selfless that I didn't interrupt your relationship with Roy by telling you how I really felt...but in all honesty, I think looking back on that time, my ‘selflessness' was a little more cowardly. I'm not beating myself up. It was what I needed to do at the time...but, I'm just saying. I'm just saying you're teaching me - this week - what selflessness really looks like.  I'm thankful for that.

You're so strong. Honestly, I don't know how I'd handle this if our roles were reversed. The way you hold up your mom is amazing, Pam.  I aspire to be as strong as you are - it's my new life ambition - other than loving you, that's the only ambition I've ever been definite about.  So this is getting really mushy right?

Since I'm on a roll...

I don't know if I deserve the person that you are, but I'm thankful that you've given me the chance to find out. I'm thankful that you're making me into the man I want to be.

I'm thankful for getting to spend more time with your dad. Please hear this, Pam: the view from where he is...it's incredible. It's one of a family that loves him passionately and would do anything for him. Pam, as sad as you are...this man has everything. Everything he could ever want is right here in this house. The love of his life...kids that adore him. There's nothing else he wants for. I watch him watch you...Your sheer existence is his happiness.  He smiles when you smile. He's complete and he's whole - know that. Please know that...he couldn't have lived a better life.

I am thankful and humbled that I got to be a part of this family this week. I am thankful for your love.

I'm here...whenever you need me. I love you.

Jim

Folding up the stationary, I wrote, ‘Good night' on the top and walked down the hall to her bedroom, leaving it on top of her comforter.

~~~~~~~

I thought I was dreaming at first, but then I realized that I had never heard bedsprings in any dream or fantasy before.  Also...in my fantasies the bed was always bigger...lots of room to maneuver.

When I started to drown in that all too familiar softness, I knew it was real...I opened my eyes to meet hers for the most fleeting of moments before she lay her head against my chest. She slid her arm around my waist and melted against me. Her skin completely naked against mine...

My hands came around her instantly. "Hey..."

"Hey...I just..."

There was a shuddering that seemed to move through her entire body, so I pulled the covers up around us. "You're cold...do you want my shirt?"

I felt her swallow and shake her head. "No...just...warm me up...please...I just...Promise me you'll let me go first."

It took me a moment. I didn't understand at first what she meant. I came close to asking for clarification before it hit me...

I pursed my lips, because my chin started to tremble. Jeez...

I combed my fingers through her hair. "I can't promise that. But you should feel really good...because I'm pretty sure you just nailed the one thing that I won't promise you.  So...feel free to ask me anything else- anything. You're set for the rest of your life."

She took a deep breath and then she just...went. Sounds that I'd never heard come out of her...never ever wanted to hear come out of her. God...

I wound my arms around her as tightly as I possibly could without hurting her...and even then she pulled them tighter. Somewhere buried deep between the sobs came a ridiculous sounding apology about not wanting this to happen...about never being able to stop...

"Well, it's a good thing I'm not going anywhere then..." I whispered.

And I wasn't going anywhere, because this...this I could do.