She sat there motionless for what felt like hours, but was probably only the span of a few minutes. She had lost all sense of time as she held her head in her hands and stared blankly at the floor. This couldn’t be happening. Roy had left. He had accused her of having feelings for Jim, and had left. Maybe he had just had too much to drink. She knew he was reading way too much into things. She knew she had to fix it, had to explain to him that Jim was just her friend; would always be just her friend.
She felt her throat begin to close up, tears welling in her eyes. She forced them back with determination. No. She would fix this, she had to fix this. She had to make Roy understand the truth.
But then that nagging voice in the back of her mind began whispering softly to her in her reverie. Maybe at least some of what Roy said was right. She had often wondered whether Jim might have some deeper feelings for her, but she never let herself entertain those thoughts more than a mere few seconds. It was silly to wonder whether another man was thinking of her when she should really be focused on Roy and their future.
But now, she allowed herself to reflect on the idea and it began to take root. She thought of how Jim had always been supportive of her and her desire to pursue her dream of becoming an artist. She thought of how he could make her laugh in a way that no one else could. She thought of how they had their little inside jokes and pranks on Dwight, and how they cherished those shared moments of private glee after a successful prank. She thought of how he often spent more time in a day at her desk than at his own during the course of a day. She thought of how he comforted her when she was upset about something with Roy or her job. She thought of how she often caught him looking at her from his desk with a look she could never quite describe because he would so quickly hide it with a grin or a wink.
Suddenly, a shocking revelation coursed through her mind.
Roy was right.
All the signs were there.
The realization that Jim quite possibly had deeper feelings for her than mere friendship crashed upon her, like hungry waves on an empty beach. The thoughts pounded on and on, searching for a certain confirmation where none could be found, but were fed by the little moments that made it seem a more distinct possibility. Soon, a deep, incessant longing began to grow within her. She had to know for certain. She told herself she needed to know in order to explain the situation to Roy, but there was a deeper, nagging desire to know for more reasons than that alone. She quickly hushed that thought, focusing on her need to fix things with Roy. He was what she really wanted. They had a future that she needed to protect.
She stood up, suddenly driven by a purpose. She moved quickly down the hall, grabbed her keys and headed for the door. She was going to fix things with Roy. She had to; he was her life. She wasn’t ready to let him throw it away without a fight.
As she got into her car, her hands were practically shaking with the rush of adrenaline coursing through her body. She started the car and began to drive, tears beginning to sting the corners of her eyes again, but she pushed them back. The thought that she was being reckless rose through the cacophony of warring thoughts in her mind, but it was like she was being driven by something she could not control. She had to know. Just once.
~~~~~
“Thanks man, we’ll see you next week.” Jim closed the door after the last of Mark’s friends. When Jim had arrived home earlier in the evening, after driving around pointlessly for about an hour debating with himself whether or not he should have left Pam’s house in the first place, he found a bunch of Mark’s friends piled in the living room watching the football game. He had made an effort to join in with the other guys commenting on the players, refs, and occasional decent plays, but his thoughts were meandering along different paths. He was worried about Pam, and wondered whether or not it would make things worse if he called her. He just wanted to make sure everything was okay. As much as he generally detested Roy, he truthfully didn’t want to cause trouble between them because of the effect it would inevitably have on Pam.
He had known deep down how much of a bad idea it had been to go to her house in the first place, and an even worse idea to let her cook him dinner. At the time he had pushed those thoughts away with consoling ones like “Roy’s not going to be home until tomorrow, he’ll never know”. As it turned out, he should have heeded those initial impulses.
Jim sighed and returned to kitchen where Mark was cleaning up. The two maintained an easy banter as they cleaned up their place, throwing away all the empty beer bottles and washing all the dishes encrusted with various snack foods. They had always enjoyed hosting game night, even though it did require some extra cleaning at the end of the evening. It was getting late; Mark was finishing the last few dishes in the kitchen and Jim was in the living room, wiping off the coffee table when the doorbell rang shrilly.
“Who could that be?” Jim called out to Mark.
“It’s probably Dane, he always forgets his crap here on game night” Mark called from the kitchen.
“Yeah, probably,” Jim responded, smiling as he strode to the door to swing it wide open.
His heart stopped. His smile was immediately replaced with a look of shock.
“Pam” he managed, though the surprise of seeing her here on his own doorstep was clearly evident on his face. Then it registered that she was visibly upset, almost shaking.
“Oh my God, what is it?” he said, his voice laced with pure, deep concern and affection as he stepped toward her on to the doorstep, pulling the door closed behind him.
Upon seeing his concerned reaction, she mentally kicked herself for not preparing what she would say to him. It wasn’t like she could just go up to him and say “Hey Jim, I was just wondering if you’re in love with me”. The shock of her earlier confrontation with Roy had not worn off yet, and she was at a loss for how to continue.
“I…” she began, unable to process what she would say next. Feeling a wave of helplessness crash over her, she felt her face crumple as she forced herself to fight back the tears threatening to fall down her cheeks for the third time in the last half an hour.
He was lost. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted so much to pull her into his arms and tell her that everything was okay, no matter what stupid thing Roy had done this time. But he knew given the earlier run-in with Roy, it might be best to keep his distance for now. Instead of embracing her, he settled on extending his hand to her arm, squeezing it gently.
Her eyes found his at his touch and she blinked a few times, as if to clear from her eyes the tears that were so present.
“Jim…I…” she looked straight ahead, eyes boring into his chest, staring intently at the pattern of threads so carefully constructed to make up his t-shirt. It was proving difficult to even begin to explain what had happened in the time between when he had left and now as she stood on his doorstep. But this was Jim, her best friend, she could tell him anything. She needed to tell him, ask him, everything. So she decided to start with the basic facts, and work from there.
“He left” she managed, her jaw setting after her last words as she looked away, straining to keep control over her emotions that were again threatening to take over. Somehow, saying the words out loud made it all seem more real to her. Roy really had walked out. Roy had left.
Jim felt like he had been slammed into a concrete wall. He couldn’t process what she had just said: ‘He left’. Did that mean Roy? Surely it did, but why? Did Jim’s presence earlier really cause such a hasty decision on his part? Or did Roy suspect him? Was he on to the fact that Jim had a crush, to say the very least, on his fiancé? Suddenly Jim realized a long pause had stretched out after her declaration as he tried to sort through his own shock.
“Um, God, Pam, what? I mean, I’m sorry,” he paused, making a mental note to attempt to more coherent on his next attempt at speech, “What happened?”
She shook her head, her eyes trained on her feet. The reality of the situation continued to push on her from all sides. She found she couldn’t even bring herself to look at him without the dam holding back her emotions shattering into a million pieces around her. She had to reign in some control and resolve before she could continue.
“Hey,” he started, finally realizing his manners, “why don’t you come inside? It’s warmer in there, and we can sit down” he turned back toward the door when she stopped him with a hand on his arm. She knew she would lose all her resolve if they went inside. She had to ask him now or she never would. She quickly gathered all the confidence and determination she could muster and forced herself to continue. She had to know.
“Jim,” she began, and he looked back at her, seeing a blazing look of confidence in her eye like he had never seen before. “Are you in love with me?”
His whole world stopped moving. She had asked the one question he thought she’d never ask him. The one question he had never really prepared an answer for. So he stalled, “Come on, Pam, let’s just go inside, we can talk about it” and he turned toward the door again, anxious to escape, knowing that he couldn’t lie to her.
His unwillingness to answer her question fed the unquenchable beast inside of her that needed to know, once and for all. She persisted, heedless of the list of possible consequences that would be brought on by her insistence to push this.
“Jim,” she reached out and touched his arm lightly again, and he turned back to face her, immediately wishing he hadn’t. Her eyes were pleading, hungry, as if her entire life depended upon his answer to this most important question.
“I have to know. Do you love me?”
Again he felt trapped. He just looked back into her eyes, attempting to convey confusion at her question, but he knew that she could read him and that he wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding his true feelings from being revealed in his eyes. He found himself beginning to protest again, trying to convince her to come inside so they could talk.
She felt her aggravation at his unwillingness to answer her question rise again, feeding the bold monster inside of her. It pushed her on, as if determined to make her do something that would make him answer her.
“Let’s just go inside. We can…”
But suddenly, her lips were on his, soft yet insistent. And for the second time that night, the whole world stopped moving, and the air was sucked from his lungs. She kissed him softly at first, but then deepened her kiss, her hand moving to the back of his neck, the other laying gently on his chest. He felt himself respond, losing himself in the reality that this was really Pam. And she was kissing him. He pulled her closer, one hand on her face, fingers laced through her hair, the other pulling her hip closer to him, as if needing to feel the warmth of her body.
His tongue darted out, searching for hers, and she responded willingly. She couldn’t control her own impulse to deepen the kiss even further. It had taken a few moments for her mind to catch up with her actions. Suddenly she was very aware that she was kissing Jim, and her mind was screaming at her. She needed to stop. She needed to regain control over the situation. She needed to somehow undo all the damage she had just caused. But it felt so good to be in Jim’s arms, kissing him. It was as if somehow, despite the wreckage this act would undoubtedly leave, life made sense in that moment.
It took all her strength for her to pull away from him. He stood there a moment with his eyes closed, his hands still resting on her as her hand slid down his cheek. His eyes fluttered opened slowly, to find her looking at him with an awed expression. But deeper in her eyes he could see her searching him, yearning to find an answer to the question he never thought he’d have to answer.
And before he was aware it had even happened, as if he was unconsciously trying to ease her pleading and pain, a single word escaped his lips in a whisper.
“Yes”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry it's been a while. This chapter was especially difficult to get right. I'm still not sure it's right, but I've decided to stop fiddling with it. Just know I've been looking forward to this chapter since I started this story.
Thanks to all who are sticking with me on this one, I know it's been long an drawn out.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
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Thanks to all who are sticking with me on this one, I know it's been long an drawn out.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
~~~~
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading!
Reviews are appreciated and encouraged! :)
Reviews are appreciated and encouraged! :)
