~~~~~~~~~~
She stood, transfixed, unable to comprehend anything about the world around her, aside from one little word. Yes.
She felt like she had been punched in the gut, and found she couldn’t remember how to breathe. Yet, at the same time, that maniacal, impulsive monster inside her roared in triumph. She couldn’t even begin to comprehend what this might mean, but the thoughts were beginning to flood into her head again after their momentary halt at his simple proclamation. He said yes. He loved her. How? When? What? Roy. God, Roy. Engaged. Panic. Run.
He was pretty sure he saw shock, confusion and terror all flit across her face. He wanted to take it back the moment the word had escaped his lips. He desperately wanted to pretend that he hadn’t just permanently altered their relationship with one little word. This was not how he had envisioned himself telling her how he felt. He had thought through it many times, and none of those times had involved her kissing him.
He searched her face, desperate for some clue as to what to do now. He tried to think of the right words, but none came. Nothing he would say could sufficiently diffuse this situation. He felt trapped, panicked. He was pretty certain she felt the same.
She tore her eyes away from his stare. There was too much in his eyes she was not ready to confront. She couldn’t handle this, she needed to get away; she couldn’t face this tonight, not after everything. She needed to get away before she irreparably damaged anything else in her life. She could feel her eyes start to well with tears. She tried desperately to cling to her composure for just a few more moments, until she could be alone.
She pulled away from his embrace and he felt immediately empty. It was like she had taken all of him with her as she left his arms. He wanted to grab her, to pull her back, to make her understand. But, she looked frantic, desperate to escape, and he knew her well enough to know that he couldn’t push this. She was like an animal backed into a corner, frightened and alone. He knew he had to let her go, even though it killed that little flicker of hope he had nurtured lovingly over the years.
She turned to leave, her breath shaky and shallow as she stammered, “I…I’m…I need…I have to go.”
“Pam.” The sound of his voice uttering her name stopped her momentarily. He had managed to pack so much emotion into his expression of that once syllable. His voice was laced with pain and concern, fear and passion, hope and desperation. Her back was to him, for which she was glad as she would not have been able to handle seeing his face. She closed her eyes, gathering what shreds of courage and determination she had left, and forced herself to make the final steps to her car.
She was behind the wheel, engine humming before she looked to his face. It tore at her heart to see what she had done to him. Hopelessness, sadness, disappointment were all etched on his face, and she had caused it all. It took all her strength to pull away from the house and drive away.
He stood there for what seemed like hours, staring blankly at the sidewalk where she had just stood. There it was. He had said it. It was out there. She knew now. She knew, and the first thing she did was run. It was like being slapped across the face. His mind tried to convince him that he should be angry with her. But he couldn’t muster the strength required for anger. As the shock of the encounter began to wear off, he felt it replaced with a weighty sadness. It was like he had grown ten years older in a matter of moments. He found he couldn’t, and didn’t even want to move. It was only when he heard the door opening behind him that he put forth the effort to turn his head.
“Hey man, who was it?” Mark said nonchalantly. His expression changed immediately to one of genuine concern when he saw Jim’s face. “Whoa, what happened? Are you alright?”
The last thing Jim wanted right now was to talk about what had just occurred. He need time to feel, think, and process what had happened. He moved toward the doorway, shrugging his shoulders, “It’s nothing. Really.”
Mark gave concerned, yet understanding nod as Jim passed him and headed up the stairs toward his room. Jim was thankful for Mark’s reluctance to push the issue. Once he had shut the door to his room, he dropped down on to his bed and stared blankly at the ceiling. He didn’t want to think or feel right now. He was perfectly okay with the numbness weighing down his body. He knew that soon the thoughts would come, but for now, he needed just to be still.
~~~~~
Pam drove nowhere in particular, just content to let her body take over the motions while her mind tried to reconcile what had just happened.
She was in complete shock. Though she hadn’t known what to expect when she appeared on Jim’s doorstep, she hadn’t expected this. She had told herself she was going to try to figure out if Roy was right, so she could deal with the situation with him. Yet she had ended up flat out asking Jim if he was in love with her. Surely she could have been more tactful. What had she been thinking? She felt the anger at her own stupidity rise up inside her. Had she really thought harassing Jim was the answer to her problems with Roy?
But then it occurred to her, that if she was honest with herself, completely honest, she had to admit that she had gone to Jim’s to also satisfy her own curiosity. Entertaining the thought that he might have feelings for her was too intoxicating and had taken control of her better judgment. She felt even more horrible at the thought that she had gone just to entertain some sick pleasure of her own. She felt slightly nauseated with the thought that she had ruined the best friendship she had ever had because of some sick desire to entertain curiosity. Then the memory that she had indeed been the one to initiate the kiss rolled over her consciousness. What the hell was she thinking? She felt her self control waning, the tears beginning the cloud her vision, her throat tight. The thought of the torturous pain she had just caused Jim was unbearable. The shame at her cruelty filled her with self-loathing. She had truly, irreparably messed everything up.
Yet suddenly, she was met with the startling realization that she cared more about the fact that she had quite possibly ruined her friendship with Jim, than the idea that she had ruined her ten year relationship with Roy. In fact, what this would probably mean to Roy had not crossed her mind once since she had left Jim’s house. Instead of getting evidence to prove Roy wrong, she had confirmed everything Roy had said. Jim was in love with her. He loved her.
As these thoughts traveled through her mind, a calming, soothing feeling began to pour over her. Jim loved her. And she found that less alarming than she knew she should. Instead, she found the thought comforting, even exciting. In those few brief moments, she pieced it all together, and for the first time, she truly allowed herself to realize the truth: she loved him too.
She felt a horrifying awakening happen within her. She was in love with Jim. But she was engaged to Roy, and cared about him, about their future. But she knew that what had happened on Jim’s doorstep would be impossible to hide from Roy, nor would she be able to explain away everything in the way she had hoped. She felt panic begin to take control again. She had ruined her friendship with Jim and had thrown away a ten year relationship. She was paralyzed in a sea of warring thoughts and emotions, losing control of her life.
So filled with complete desperation, she drove to the only place she had left in the world. It was as if her body was on autopilot because she was halfway there without even realizing where she was going. And when she pulled up to the small house, full of so many memories, she found herself struggling with a new wave of nostalgic emotions. She climbed the front steps with energy she didn’t know she possessed, rang the bell and waited. She knew it was late, but she rang it again anyway, knowing eventually someone would come to the door.
Soon she heard the shifting of the lock, and a soft click as the door opened revealing her father standing there in his night robe, a confused and concerned look on his face. The look only deepened when he took in the expression on Pam’s face. She knew she must look terrible, but she was past caring about appearances.
He opened the door wider. “Pam, honey, what’s wrong?”
She stepped over the threshold and feeling all her energy leaving her in that instant, she collapsed into her father’s arms. She felt his arms encircle her, holding her upright. In that moment, when the whole world was collapsing around her, Pam felt the strength of her father’s arms supporting her. Here was the one man who would unconditionally love her through everything, no matter what she had done. And it was with this realization that her tears finally begin their course down her cheeks, sobs wracking her body.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This was such a hard chapter to write. I had to get into a really dark, depressing mood to write this...which is a place I'd rather not be.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter End Notes:
Sorry so heavy on the angst. I could say the next chapter will be happier, but then I'd be lying.
Major thanks to all who have stuck with me on this. You rock!
Oh and please review. It makes me miss Jim's forearms a little less...
Major thanks to all who have stuck with me on this. You rock!
Oh and please review. It makes me miss Jim's forearms a little less...
