There were three times: only three, she would think, rather proud of herself, that Diane Beesly attempted to talk to her daughter about Jim that weekend.
One attempt was while they were on their the way to the city. Pam was quiet, and her mother knew that she was upset by the exchange between Karen and herself and by their quick and uncomfortable exit from the office.
Diane snuck looks at her daughter as she was driving on the interstate. Pam had always been quiet, but the air around her quietness had changed in the last few months. There was sadness now, as well as the warmth and compassion that had always emanated from her. And not just sadness: regret, resignation. Forlorn, was the word that made it's mark on Diane's heart when she thought of her daughter.
Pam was looking out the window, her hands clasped quietly in her lap. But as Diane watched, she could see her twisting and turning them from time to time, worrying those hands together. And though she was driving, she was astute enough to pick up on the tiny wrinkle of worry between her daughter's brows.
Time for honesty. Finally.
"Pam.....I'm sorry."
Pam sighed, every so slightly. "It's OK, Mom."
"I'm not sure that it is, and I'm sorry if it's bothering you. That's my biggest regret." Diane paused. "But I'm not sorry that I said that to Karen."
"Mom......."
"Honey, she knew exactly what she was saying, and wasn't afraid to say it in front of you, myself, Jim, Michael.....anyone."
Pam continued to look out of the window, watching the barren, lifeless February landscape pass by. She was almost glad that it wasn't June with it's green vibrancy. She could relate to February weather. She thought about the colors this scene would require: tans, greys, browns. Perfect. Exactly how I feel.
She was lost in her thoughts for a long time, and finally realized that her mother was waiting for a response. She sighed again. When had conversation starting taking such a huge effort on her part? "Maybe. But all she really said was that she and Jim had come together from Stamford, which is actually.....true. So, you know....not that big a deal."
"Were they together, in Stamford? Do you know that for sure?"
"There's very little I know for sure, Mom. I know they're dating. I know they've been dating for a couple of months at least, now." Time to end this, to salvage what little of this weekend that can be salvaged. "I know that on his first day back I asked Jim out to coffee, and he turned me down."
Pam turned to the window to draw patterns on the dew that collected there, as she had when she was a child. Her mother strained to hear her voice. "I know that later that day, in the parking lot, he told me he had started seeing someone."
Diane knew she should let that drop. She knew Pam intended for her to let that drop, as well. "And what did you say to him, when he told you that?" She didn't expect an answer, not especially the one she received.
"I told him that it was fine; he can do whatever he wants. That we're friends. That we'll always be friends." She was still tracing patterns on the window.
Diane sighed, her fingers gripping the wheel momentarily. This particular attempt at conversation about Jim, and Pam's broken heart, was finished. Finished, for now, but nowhere near being resolved. This is much more complicated than I thought. And I already thought it was pretty complicated.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The second time Diane attempted what she had come to think of as The Jim Conversation was the next day, dress shopping.
"Wow, Mom. How many dresses do we have in here, like two dozen? And they all look wrong on me."
"No they don't. How about that red one? With the halter straps?"
"No red halters at a wedding with my coworkers. Even if it does look OK on me."
"How about that champagne colored one? The long one?"
"Too bridesmaids-y. And it washes me out."
"O...kay. What about the black strapless one? It fit you nicely."
"I look horrible in black. And I already have a black dress."
"Well.....you have a lot of dresses here. And a lot of colors, but no blue." Diane looked at her. "Why don't you try some blue dresses? Blue.... looks so nice on you." Nicely done. That wasn't too obvious.
"OK, Mom. I'm not buying a blue dress, and we both know why. And I know it makes me all kinds of pathetic, so you don't need to remind me of it. So....let's just go back out there, or to another store, and find me a dress I can wear."
Pam didn't care for the raw pity she saw on her mother's face, but she understood it. "We'll find you a dress, Pam. Not a blue one."
*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The last time was on the way home, just before they parted ways. Pam had to admit that they had enjoyed a relaxing time together, and that she had needed this getaway. The long conversations over glasses of wine, mostly about memories and growing up; the great meals; even shopping for the dress had all been a welcome break, giving her a chance to unwind from tension she didn't even know she carried from day to day.
"Mom....you were right. I needed this." She turned to her mother. "Really....thank you."
"It was fun for me, too, and I needed it as well." *I really needed to see how you are doing, and I'm not encouraged by what I saw. But I'll be darned if I'm going to let you see it.*
"Mom....listen. Don't worry about me, OK?" She turned fully to look her mother in the eye as she parked in the lot of Dunder Mifflin, where they had left Pam's car for the weekend. "It's going to be fine....it is fine. I'm really...." She shook her head. This was not coming out right.
"I'm really over....." Pam continued. *I can't say it. I can't say it--and you know I can't say it, and now this is how our weekend ends.*
Diane grabbed her daughter in an awkward hug over the console, her lap cutting painfully into the steering wheel. She held on anyway, clinging to Pam, trying to make one last attempt to say all that couldn't be said. Finally she whispered "No, you're not. And I don't think you're meant to be, yet."
Pam broke the hug, as Diane knew she would. "OK, Mom." She smiled, sadly; it took a great effort. "Thanks again. I had a really great time, and we even found me a dress." *And it's not blue.*
"Love you, Pam. Take care. I'll be calling." *It's not blue, but I think it may do the trick anyway. Yes, it will do.*
"I know you will, Mom. Love you too." She was halfway out of the car, leaned over before she shut the door. "'Bye, Mom." *I'm really beginning to loathe this parking lot.*
Chapter End Notes:
Pam is sad, but her mother had wise words for her at the end of this chapter. Mother always knows best. ;) Next up: Phyllis' wedding. Thank you so much for reading!
