Pam was toweling off her hair when there was a light rapping on her door. She waded through the boxes and discarded clothes that littered her new apartment and opened the door to find her mother standing there, smiling brightly. In her arms she juggled a large cardboard box, a bag of what smelled like doughnuts and two cups of Starbucks coffee.

“Good morning!”

Pam groaned affectionately. “You are way too chipper for six am.” She reached over and took the box out of her hands before she dropped everything.

Debra Beesley wandered inside slowly, her sharp eyes surveying the inside of her daughter’s new living establishment. She didn’t speak until she hit the kitchen counter to drop off her loot and turned around with an approving nod. “I like it, Pam.”

“Yeah?” A slow smile spread over Pam’s face. “It’s small. But I’m trying to make it home.”

“Home, huh? Sounds pretty…permanent.”

Pam licked her lips nervously. She and her mom hadn’t really talked since Pam’s teary phone call that annoucned she was leaving Roy. Her mom had offered some stunned support and threw out words like ‘whatever makes you happy’ and ‘your dad and I love you’, but Pam wasn’t sure how her mom really felt.

“At least until I figure some things out…yeah. I’d like it to be as permanent as I need.”

Debra moved over some towels on the couch so she could sit down. “You know, when I told you father that you two were separating, he wasn’t very happy. And I don’t tell you that to make you feel guilty,” she warned as Pam’s features went slack and her eyes began to water. “So dry those eyes right now.”

Pam sat down beside her and tried to mentally stop her chin from quaking. “So why are you telling me?”

“I’m telling you because you’re father…is an idiot. And I say that with love. But he doesn’t see things. Like how miserable you were on Thanksgiving. You know, every time someone mentioned babies, your face…well, let me put it this way. It was not the face of a woman who was in love with her husband and wanted to start a family with him.”

“I love Roy,” Pam immediately protested.

“Yes, I know that. You love him, Pam. You probably always will.” She reached out and brushed some hair off her daughter’s face, a move that so reminded her of when Pam was a child and her cheeks were stained with tears and the only cure was the touch of a loving mother. And maybe some chocolate chip cookies. But there was no cure for what ailed her daughter right now. “But you’re not in love with him anymore. Are you?”

Pam looked away. “He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I didn’t say he did. Sometimes people change. Or they grow apart. Or they want so badly for everything to be the way they planned that they lose sight of what they really want.”

“What I really want…” Pam repeated wistfully. Her mind drifted to thoughts she hadn’t truly entertained in years. Traveling the world. Painting on a terrace overlooking the Seine. Going back to school.

“I see your wheels turning,” her mom observed, slightly thrilled at seeing her daughter’s eyes light up, if even for a moment. “Roy wasn’t in any of those thoughts, was he?”

Pam sighed, rubbing her temples. “He’s such a good man, Mom. He’s hardworking. He’s loyal. He really really loves me.” Her nose burned as tears collected behind her eyes, moistening her lashes.

“What you feel for him right now, Pam? That’s guilt and pity. Its not love. And it’s not fair to Roy to stay with him because it’ll break his heart to leave him.”

“God.” Pam buried her head into her hands. “How did I let it get this far?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. I thought for sure I would have to be one of those mother’s who mailed out those ‘sorry, those crazy kids called it off’ letters to everyone I know. It would have been a hassle, sure. But I was ready to do it.”

“What? When did you think that?”

“I was there in those weeks before the wedding, Pam. I was there when you tried on your dress. I’d never seen a more depressed looking bride-to-be. I was there when we made the party favors. You ate more of the chocolate than you put into the bags. I was there at your showers. Honey, when they asked you to tell everyone why you loved Roy, you told them that he fixes things around the house.”

Pam let out a small laugh, one brought on by near hysteria.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Debra gave her a look. “Would it have made a difference?”

“It might have.”

“If Jim couldn’t make a difference, nothing I would have said would have either.”

Debra watched as Pam’s head jerked up at his name, her eyes growing wide with alarm. “Jim...?”

“I remember getting a phone call from you last May…”

Pam felt her chest tighten and had to force herself to exhale. Inhale. Exhale. She had forgotten that phone call. She always kept that night buried deep, in the private parts of her soul, a secret just between them.

“And that wasn’t the first time I suspected something going on between you two.”

“Nothing was –“

“Oh, I don’t mean in the conventional sense. I know you weren’t having an affair, Pam. Not physically. But you got something from him that Roy didn’t give you. Maybe something Roy couldn't give you. Something you didn't even know you needed until it was gone. Do you know how often his name would come up in our conversations? You called me one night at midnight just to tell me that you had put some poor man’s desk in the bathroom. It had taken you two all night long. It was always Jim this and Jim that. Why did you think I wanted to meet him last year when I came to visit? He was such an important part of your life, I thought I deserved an introduction. Even though I’m not quite sure how making a man take his business calls by a urinal is all that appropriate.”

“Dwight deserved it,” Pam offered meekly.

“You said that, too. You know what else you said?”

Pam didn’t answer. She didn't have to.

“You said he was your best friend. You said you could tell him anything. You said he wanted you to take some graphic design internship you were so interested in. The one you told me you weren’t going to take after all because it wasn’t practical, which I’m guessing weren’t your words. And you told me that he said he was in love with you.”

They had never talked about that night or that late night phone call. After Pam hung up, Debra waited by the phone for hours, but it never came. The next time she spoke to her daughter, it was to get directions to the bridal shop where her dress was waiting to be picked up. For the wedding. That was still going to happen, through hell or high water or untimely declarations of love.

Pam stood up, waving her arms. “Stop it. I don’t – I can’t talk about…just. I have to go to work.”

Debra stood up with a heavy sigh. “Okay. I made a two hour drive just so I could be kicked out. I understand.”

“Mom…”

“I know. Call me later. Eat those doughnuts. You're too thin. And I love you.”

“I love you too.”

***

Pam pulled into work and frowned when she saw that Roy’s truck was still on, with smoke billowing out of the exhaust as he waited. She licked her lips and trudged across the parking lot, waiting to hear the expected slam of the door and crunch of gravel as he scurried after her. It had been the same routine for a week straight, ever since she’d moved out.

“Pam. Pammy, wait up.”

She bit back a sigh and turned around. “Hey.” Her eyes squinted into the sun until his burly form filled her eyesight.

“Hey. Hey are you?”

She was already nodding, anticipating the same question as every morning. “I’m good. Mom came over this morning to drop some stuff by.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t checked yet. Some box. I think she just wanted an excuse to drive down and talk to me in person.”

Roy’s smile had a smidgen of smugness to it as he nodded knowingly.  “Yeah, I figured.”

Pam stopped in her tracks. “You figured what? That she’d come by?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, she’s your mom. I knew she’d have something to say about all of this”

“And…you figured she would try to talk some sense into me, is that it?”

Roy looked confused by the thinly veiled anger lacing her voice. “I didn’t mean it like that, but…come on, Pam. We haven’t been married six months and you move out on me. Your mom had to have had something to say about that.”

“She did. She told me…” Pam cut herself off, feeling her indignation fade as she stared into his eyes, the ones that held out so much hope that maybe, maybe today she’d come home. “She just told me she was there if I needed someone to talk to.”

They walked in silence into the building. Roy pushed the elevator button and the doors shifted open. Pam felt the walls closing in on her as Roy clenched his hands into fists, a sure sign he was working up the nerve to say something to her. Usually they appeared when he was working up the courage to ask permission to break their plans so he could go out with his friends. Yeah, she knew those fists well.

“Hey, listen. I know you’re taking this time to figure things out and whatever. But I was hoping we could meet later tonight for some dinner. Just to, you know, catch up.” His voice softened. “I miss you.”

The doors opened and Pam quickly stepped out, with Roy hot on her heels. He walked her into the office and waited expectantly behind the counter at reception while she situated herself.

“I mean, it’s been a week, since…you know.”

“I know. I just think it’s probably best if we don’t…right now. Like you said, it’s only been a week. I just need time, you know. Please.”

Roy nods, feigning understanding but she knew the darkness behind his blue eyes told another story. One of impatience and embarrassment and hurt. He gave her a silent parting wave and left the office, leaving her to finally exhale.

“Paaaaaaaaam!”

She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, feeling a headache forming in her temples. “Good morning, Michael.”

“It is a good morning! I take it you’ve heard the great news? Its stupendous news, really. Its out of this world. Its-”

Dwight made a snorting sound from across the room. “I would hardly classify the news as great. It’s a disgrace to this company to allow such a deviant back within our midst.”

Pam tilted her head to the side. “What? What news? What…deviant?”

The door crashed open and Jan flew inside at a brisk pace, her hair streaking behind her. “Michael. Can we get this over with please? I don’t want to be here all day.”

Michael extended his arm towards his office. “My humble abode awaits.” He snickered as a mental 'that's what she said' formed in his thoughts.

Jan rolled her eyes and walked stiffly by him, muttering a tired “Oh, God” as she disappeared within the confines of his office.

“Michael, wait,” Pam tried to interrupt, but he had already shut his door and ceremoniously closed the blinds.

She shook her head and tried to squelch her curiosity. Roy’s offer of dinner still swam in her thoughts and the longer she thought about it, the guiltier she felt for turning him down. It wasn’t as though she had any other plans for the evening. Ever since the separation, she just sat at home with a carton of take out and watched television.

Pam’s mouth twisted into a grimace as she suddenly turned on herself. She had left Roy, abandoned her husband and her marriage, to find herself. Find herself. The corny cliché mocked her incessantly until she felt like she was going to scream.

She had made the decision to make the most out of her life. To do something. To be something. All she was making the most out of was Chinese take-out and sappy chick flicks on TBS.

With a determined click of her fingers, Pam looked up the website to the city civic center and perused their list of community outreach programs. She peered closely at their selection until she found one that made her scowl turn upwards into a hesitant smile. Watercolor classes were given at the center every Tuesday and Thursday night and Charcoal classes were every Monday and Wednesday.

She signed up for both.

Baby steps, she knew, with a surge of satisfaction rising inside her. But it was a start.

***

Despite her desire for the contrary, Jan was holed up in Michael’s office for the rest of the afternoon completing some sort of paperwork. At ten til five, Pam turned off her computer and reached for her jacket, finally hearing the door open and a harried Jan step out.

“Long day?” she asked with a knowing grin.

Jan just shot her a withering look, refusing to state the obvious.

“What’s going on anyways?” Pam tried to sound nonchalant but she watched Jan carefully out of her peripherals. “Michael seemed excited.”

“He is very excited,” Jan concurred with an exasperated rub of her forehead. “And a very excited Michael makes a very distracted Michael, and this paperwork needed to be at Corporate by three in order to make the transfers go as smoothly as possible. Now I’m going to be there all night making sure everyone can still start on Monday like planned without any complications, which makes it very difficult considering my boss is leaving in one hour and it takes me two hours to get back to New York, and that’s not including traffic.”

“How many transfers are coming?” Pam felt the need to ask, though she knew there was only one name she wanted to hear, and he was one who had made it clear he would be staying as far away from her as possible.

“Four, including Jim. Which, I have to say, is the only bright spot to this disaster. I thought we had everything under control and then Josh threw a wrench into everything and we had to re-format the direction of the company and bring people here when that was not what we wanted at all. But maybe, you know, maybe Jim will be able to reign in Michael more now. I don’t know, we’ll see. But its going to be a disaster, I just know it. How can it not be?” Jan laughed maniacally as she walked out of the door and practically punched the down arrow for the next elevator.

Pam followed her out, nodding her head methodically with a fixed expression on her face, but she didn’t hear anything Jan had said after Jim.

Jim was coming back.