Jim knocked lightly on Room 224 of the Clarion Inn and waited for Karen to let him in.

“Hey stranger.” Her voice was husky and filled with innuendo. She had quickly changed from her work power suit and into small shorts and a tank top, despite the light flurries that were slowly drifting to the ground outside.

“Hey.”

She reached up to grab his tie and pulled him into her suite. He felt the material close in on his throat and what was supposed to be a sexy maneuver soon began to choke him, in more ways than the one.

“What took you so long?” She breathed, stepping up on her tip toes to pull him into a lingering kiss.

Jim kissed her back because it was what was expected of him, but he was rapidly becoming confused by her overly aggressive behavior. They’d been officially seeing each other every since the parking garage at the airport when she’d decided to move to Scranton (because of him, which was never implicitly stated nor overtly denied) but he was enjoying the rather slow pace of their relationship. He should have known a woman like Karen wouldn't want to wait long, nor would she be shy about her intentions.

“Traffic,” Jim broke off their embrace to say, disengaging herself from her arms. He loosened his tie around his neck and surveyed the room. “Nice place they hooked you up with here, Filappelli.”

Karen was breathless and disappointed. “Yeah. It’s not bad. I can’t wait til I can start looking for an actual place. I’m actually not a big fan of hotels.”

Jim peered at her closely. “Is this movie related or childhood related?”

She laughed, reaching for him. He was so adorable with remnants of her lipstick smeared across his lips. She kissed his jaw and ran her arms up his chest. “Childhood related, though The Shining did petrify me.”

“Oh, that’s right,” Jim snapped his fingers in mock realization. “You’re dad was a GI, so I bet you guys moved around a lot, huh?”

Karen pulled back and glared at him. “That’s not funny. You told me he was crazy, not racist.”

Jim’s brow crinkled in confusion. “Racist? I don’t think Michael’s racist, I just think he’s…stupid.”

“Stupidity is one thing. Asking me if my father was a GI because I look ‘exotic’?”

“He doesn’t know any better,” Jim defended, surprising himself. “Look, Michael is a lot of things. But purposefully hurtful is not one of them. If he knew he hurt your feelings, he would have taken you to Hooters to make it up to you.”

Karen blanched. “Hooters? How would that-“

“It doesn’t matter. It’s just his way.”

She waved him off. “You know what, forget it. I really didn’t want to spend my evening discussing Michael.” She replaced her long around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. “I had much more interesting plans for the night.”

Jim kissed her back until her hand started to gently unbutton the top button of his shirt. “Oh did you now?” He joked lightly, easing her prying fingers away.

“I did. And you happen to figure prominently into those plans.”

“Me? I was kind of getting the feeling you wanted me to leave.”

Karen laughed. “Oh no.” Her eyes were half-lidded. “I most definitely want you to stay.”

“Well, I’m going to have to take a rain check,” Jim apologetically told her, watching in perverse interest as her face fell. It was bizarre having such immediate control over another person’s happiness.

“What? Why?”

“I, um…I told Pam that I’d go grab a cup of coffee with her?”

Even as he said it, he was kicking himself. Here he had this beautiful, desirable, available woman practically tearing his clothes off for a chance to be with him and he was leaving her for a married woman who had taken his heart and made ground beef with it. He didn’t know what possessed him to agree to her coffee request. For all he knew, Roy would be joining them. The thought made him nauseous.

Pam was a drug to him, Jim decided wearily. And he had to kick her eventually. He just needed one more quick fix. The way they left things last time…he couldn’t have that be the end of them. They deserved better than harsh words, bitter tears and a cold goodbye.

Karen shrugged. “Okay. I could go for some coffee. Is her husband coming? He was kind of cute, in a big, burly sort of way. They look adorable together.”

Jim bit his tongue. “Um. No, I don’t think Roy will be there. Actually, I kind of think Pam wanted us to catch up on old times?”

He didn’t know why he kept phrasing everything as a question, like he was asking her permission, asking if it was okay. Maybe because he was.

“Oh.” Karen blinked, hurt. “Okay. Well…have fun. You want to come over and catch a movie on HBO later? Maybe order some pizza?”

“Probably not tonight. I’ll probably just head home. But I can pick you up tomorrow morning for work, if you’d like. Then we can grab some dinner, make a night out of it? Sound good?”

Her lips turned up, but the sparkle was gone from her eyes. “Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

He bent down to kiss her, cupping her cheek with his hand. He knew she loved that. It made her feel special, possessed.

It made him feel like an asshole.

***

Jim walked into the coffee shop and glanced around, hoping she was still there. He knew he was late. He kind of did it on purpose.

He finally spotted her by the window, her chin propped up by her fist as she looked outside. Her expression was sad, resigned. She checked her watch and closed her eyes when the hands told her what she didn’t want to know. He wasn’t coming.

Pam gathered her purse in her hands and stood up, straightening her gray skirt with her fingertips. Jim smiled for no reason other than she looked beautiful and delicate and soft. He started to walk towards her and watched as her eyes shifted up to see him, hating himself for loving the way she lit up from the inside.

“You came.”

Her words came out in a breath of relief and hope. Her shoulders sagged and her lips stretched into a broad smile.

“I came.”

“I’m glad. I was worried you changed your mind.”

Jim let Pam sit back down first, resisting the urge to guide her into the booth with his hand. He took the seat opposite of her and tapped his fingers lightly on the Formica.

“No. I didn’t change my mind.” There was an awkward, expectant pause between them. Her eyes never left his face and it jarred him into rambling onward. “I, uh…I didn’t like how we left things last time.”

“Me either.” She was quick to agree. Her expression was serious and her cheeks were rosy and it was hard to look away. He focused instead on the way her small fingers were shredding a paper napkin into tiny bits of snow.

“I know you’re probably wondering why I came back when I told you I wasn’t going to.”

She licked her lips and shifted in her seat to sit up straighter. “I don’t care.”

“Wow,” Jim had to laugh. “Okay.”

Her lips parted in an embarrassed smile, her teeth showing through white against the dark green scarf still wrapped around her neck. “I mean…Just. I’m glad you’re back, whatever the reason.”

Jim nodded. “About before...I'm really-”

“I moved out.”

The words were out of her mouth before she could think enough to stop them. Her lashes fluttered onto her cheek as she cursed herself, but as she peered up into his stunned expression, part of her was glad to have gotten it over with. He needed to know. It might make a difference. It might make all the difference in the world.

Jim felt the blood pouring into his ears, blocking out noise and colors and shapes. The image of Pam blurred in front of him as he tried to process her words.

“What?”

Pam swallowed. “I left Roy.” She watched him carefully, boldly. He started to grow hot under her heated gaze.

“Um…Sorry, you just…caught me off guard.” His eyes lifted to her face, his features hard. “Why?”

“I wasn’t happy. I haven’t been for a long time.”

Jim let the breath he was holding rush out of his mouth as he ran his hand through his mop of hair. “What did Roy say?”

Pam rolled her lips inward for a moment, wincing involuntarily at the mention of her husband. “He doesn’t understand.”

Jim’s face could easily be read as ‘of course not’, so Pam surged ahead in his defense. “I don’t blame him. I’m kind of a mess right now.”

His eyes darkened and Pam was almost certain his cheeks might crack with the way he was clenching his jaw. He looked shocked and angry and wary, even a little impressed. But mostly he just looked tired.

He waged an inward battle on himself, feeling that old familiar tug in his chest. The walls he’d so vigilantly constructed around his heart were supposed to be unbendable, having earned enough battle scars from past wars to know how to defend itself. But here she was, tearing down brick after brick, trying desperately to open the old wounds again. Wounds that still bled in the wake of a long dormant memory, that still ached at the sight of a random cardigan sweater, that still scabbed over just enough so that the reminder was always there, tender and raw around the edges. It wasn’t fair.

“Why are you telling me this, Pam?”

Pam was used to being confronted on her uncertainty, but this time she came prepared. “You asked me once if I was fine with my choices. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t.” Her eyes penetrated through his soul with their intensity.

Jim had to look away. “Well, um. I-I’m…I don’t know what I’m supposed to say here, Pam.” He shook his head. “I mean…When?”

“On Thanksgiving.”

“Thanksgiving Day?” He was incredulous. “You really know how to spread holiday cheer.”

It wasn’t funny – not really. But she laughed. She laughed so hard, it hurt. It felt good. The tension eased around them and Pam felt lighter than she had in weeks “I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.”

“Try.”

Pam was silent for a long time. Jim waited. He would wait as long as she needed. Finally, she cleared her throat and tried to piece together her jumbled thoughts.

“Do you remember living at home? With your parents?”

“Yeah.”

“When you were a kid, it was home because you felt safe there. You were dependant on your parents to protect you and support you. But when you started to get older, you realized you had to do things on your own. And your home became this place you needed to leave in order to truly grow up. I never left home, Jim. I went from my parent’s house to Roy’s house. I’ve never been on my own.” She frowned unhappily. “This isn’t coming out right. I’m not making any sense.”

“No, you are. I get what you’re saying.”

Pam felt warmth spread to her toes. She believed him.

“I know it sounds really selfish of me to do this now, but I’m just afraid if I never do it, I’ll never know. And I might regret it for the rest of my life. I have to know if there’s more for me out there.”

“More than Dunder Mifflin? I don’t know. Those are some lofty expectations.” His teasing smile made her feel like she could float on thin air if he simply believed she could.

“I signed up for art classes.”

“Yeah? What kind?”

“Watercolor and charcoal. The classes start the week after Christmas, so... I’m really excited.”

“Good. That’s…really good, Pam.”

“Yeah. I’m hoping to learn a lot. They have a few art shows a year. I’m hoping some of mine will be selected. Maybe you could come?”

“Maybe I will.” Jim smiled. “I’m happy for you Pam. It sounds like you know what you want.”

She nodded, her expression turning somber. “I’m starting to.”

The electricity crackled over the tabletop. Jim opened his mouth, spurned on by her words of hope and her newfound honesty. “Listen. I was –“

His cell phone beeped loudly in his pocket. His head ducked down instantly to silence the intruding noise and he pulled it out to check the message.

He sighed.

“Karen?” Pam guessed, trying to hide the disappointment in her voice though it was evident.

“Yeah.”

Pam nodded vigorously, perhaps a little too many times. “She’s nice,” she offered weakly. “I like her.”

“Yeah. She’s great.”

His voice was dull and lifeless, feeling drained from the inside out.

“I guess I’m going to head home. I’m still unpacking my things. My apartment is a mess. It’s driving me crazy.”

“Alright. Thanks for the coffee.”

She tilted her head to the side. “You staying?”

“Yeah. For just a minute.” He was lost in his thoughts and he needed to find a way out of them to find his way home. He just wished he knew which way to turn, what path to choose, how long he had to travel until he could finally find some fucking peace.

Pam started to leave, then turned back around. She stared at his dark, unruly hair and the slight curls that formed at the nape of his neck. She could hear his sharp inhale of breath as he sensed her presence and waited for her to say whatever it was that she was about to say.

When she was long gone, he could still hear her soft whisper as hot liquid pooled behind his eyes.

“Welcome home, Jim.”

Damn her.