Jim was sure he’d never been more physically uncomfortable in all his life. His long legs were oddly twisted underneath the seat in front of him and his shoulders were painfully hunched so as to not rub against the peculiar man sitting next to him.

The woman to his left turned to him with a bright smile adorning her features. “Thanks for the window seat.”

He grinned back. “How could I deny you when you’d been so deprived your whole life?”

She laughed huskily. “New York City was only 45 minutes away my whole life. I had no where else I wanted to go.” Her small body had no problem fitting into the cramped airplane seats, while he continued to shift and struggle and wince while trying to find a position where he didn’t feel so much like Gumby.

“And yet you’re thinking of moving to Scranton when the branch closes instead of Albany? I don’t know. If I were you, I wouldn’t even be taking this courtesy trip, free plane ticket or not.” His knee bumped clumsily into hers and he offered an apologetic shrug.

Her cheeks quickly filled with a delicate pink color at his touch. She cleared her throat and shifted so that she was staring straight ahead. “Yeah, well,” she said lightly. “Might as well peruse all my options before I make a decision.”

Jim eyed her carefully before nodding in agreement. “I guess that’s smart.”

“Have you decided if you’re going back?”

Her words hung in the air. Jim licked his lips and pushed aside the rush of memories inundating him.

When Josh told him that the Stamford branch was closing and would merge with the Scranton branch, Jim’s first reaction was to dig in his heels. Wasn’t there anywhere else he could transfer besides Scranton? Josh’s reaction was of surprise, but he did give Jim a way out when he admitted that there were other branches that were looking to pick up Stamford discards, though employment wasn’t a lock like it was if they went to Scranton. Since Corporate knew what a hard sell it would be to get their employees to move to Pennsylvania, they offered to pay for the plane tickets to Scranton so that prospects could visit the town and the company to decide if they wanted to transfer or not. “I don’t know yet. But its Thanksgiving so if Dunder Mifflin was going to buy my ticket home, I might as well let them, right?”

She laughed. “Is Thanksgiving a big deal for your family?”

Karen been the closest thing he could call a friend since moving to Stamford. She was pretty, he’d decided after a few weeks in. Her hair was long and shiny and straight and the color of chocolate. Her skin was exotic and smooth and probably soft to the touch. Not that he’d considered touching her, but if he did, he was sure it’d feel like silk. And she had quite possibly the most expressive eyes he’d ever seen. They reminded him of his uncle’s old basset hound that was boring and lazy and never moved, but when she would stare up at him with those rich brown eyes, he couldn’t help but reach down and pet her.

She was young and driven and determined, with a wicked sense of humor.

They would talk at work and Jim appreciated the distraction. She didn’t look like Pam, she didn’t act like Pam and she didn’t sound like Pam. She was perfect in all the ways that she was completely imperfect for him.

As the holidays neared, their aimless conversations slowly turned more personal. With her relatives scattered all across the country and unable to get together for Thanksgiving, she sat wistfully as he went on and on about his abnormally close family and the craziness that surrounded their traditional Thanksgiving dinner. He noticed her sad smile as he told his stories, so he’d extended an invitation to spend the holidays with him. After all, they were friends. And that’s what friends did for each other.

He hadn’t thought anything of it until that very moment, with her eyes shining up at him while he tried to explain in full detail why cranberry sauce was a Thanksgiving staple, even though nobody ever actually eats it.

“So, its just there for decoration?”

“Exactly.”

She smiled and it reached her eyes. “I want to thank you again for inviting me to come with you. Its one of the nicest things anyone’s ever done for me. The thought of spending Thanksgiving alone for the first time was...”

“It’s not a problem. We’ll be glad to have you.”

A sudden surge of panic seized him. Normally, Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday because it meant getting time off from work, getting to see his family and getting to overeat on his mom’s famous stuffing and yams. He more than anticipated their tradition every year.

But this year was different.

Because this year meant going back to Scranton.

Back to Pam.

Not that he planned on seeing her, but knowing they were in the same zip code seemed to be enough.

Enough to remember what he’d been driving himself crazy to forget.

When Phyllis had sweetly offered to pick them up from the airport, all that she’d asked was that he fax over the flight information so that she wouldn’t forget. He’d punched in the ten digits and faltered, already seeing the scenario play out in his head.

Pam would hear the beeps and her glazed over eyes would slowly adjust and she’d swivel in her chair and pick up the paper. Maybe she wouldn’t look to see who it was from, but Phyllis almost never got faxes so she’d definitely sneak a peek. By sending that fax, it would be his first contact with Pam in almost six months, even if it were indirectly.

He wondered if she ever thought of him, of that night, in any way other than pity. He wondered if she ever asked herself ‘what if’ or if she missed him.

Though he doubted it would make a difference if she did.

The way they left things was so final. She made her decision and they both knew that there was no going back. There was only moving on.

***

Pam watched as the plane landed and gradually rolled to a stop on the tarmac. Her fingers twisted together nervously as she anticipated seeing Jim again. Would his hair still be long and soft and adorably unruly? Did his daily lunch menu still consist of ham and cheese and carrots with a grape soda? Would he still look at her in that way? That way that used to make her blush and ask if she had something in her teeth because why else would he be staring so attentively at her, as if she were the only woman in the world for him, when they were just friends?

She took for granted what it felt like to be the only woman in the world for Jim. It was unfair of her to want it back, but she missed it. She missed him.

The butterflies there were congregating in her belly were beating their wings furiously. She feared she might throw up all over the luggage area.

Relax, she chastised herself. It’s just Jim. No matter what happened between them, he was still Jim. With his kind eyes and his quick wit and his hilarious impersonations. They were going to see each other and everything would be okay. It just had to be. She couldn’t stand the thought of going another day without the sound of his voice or the familiar doodle-oop of her instant messenger, announcing another notice of Jim Halpert’s death by boredom.

If she kept telling herself that, she was sure eventually she’d come to believe it. She was an expert at blocking out the truth that was so fond of smacking her in the face in favor of her own reality.

Block out the utter devastation on his face when she’d taken herself out of his arms and walked away. Block out his empty chair on that Monday morning that signified that he was really gone. Block out the perpetual numbness that had covered her from head to toe until the instant she saw his name on that fax and was suddenly hit with a bolt of pain and unrelenting memories.

Block out that she was a happily married newlywed that just lied to her husband that she was going shopping when she was really picking up another man from the airport that neither asked nor wanted her there. Roy had actually been disappointed, she recalled with a pang of guilt. He had been looking forward to having a Saturday just to themselves and she had bailed.

Passengers began slowly filtering out of the terminal. She stood up on her tip-toes to try and catch a glimpse of his face above the crowd.

She hadn’t realized how tense she was until she finally spotted him weaving carefully through the crowd and her entire body relaxed, her shoulders sagging in relief. He looked good. He looked like her Jim.

His hair was shorter, but still curled slightly over his ears and the nape of his neck. He looked casual in khaki slacks and a dark green sweater that hugged his lean form. And he was smiling in a way that crinkles his nose and formed creases by his eyes.

She swallowed hard, taken by surprise by her visceral reaction to him. It took all her willpower not to fight her way through the exiting passengers to throw her arms around him and squeeze his neck and tell him how glad she was to see him. The feel of his arms wrapping around her would make it all worth it.

He was talking to someone, she noticed, her eyes narrowing with curiosity. His lips were moving and his hands were gesturing and his laugh was loud. When the crowd parted around her, she froze when she saw him smiling easily – almost fondly – at a petite brunette by his side. The girl poked him in the side and he grabbed her hand to ward off her light blows.

Pam felt her insides clench, like someone had just punched her in the gut. She suddenly felt the urge to run or to hide or to melt into the floor. Anything to make her disappear as quickly as humanly possible, but she stood rooted in place, unable to move. Her chest tightened and a familiar sensation began to burn behind her eyelids.

Jim was so focused on the girl walking in time with him that he didn’t even see her standing there, mortified, until he was practically running over her.

He stopped abruptly in his tracks, the laughter dying on his lips and his face falling instantly into a mask of shock.

“Pam.” Her name shot off his lips in a voice she’d never heard before. It was almost guttural, from a place he never expected to go again. It took him a few moments to compose himself, but she could tell he was struggling with seeing her again. Their eyes locked as the rest of the airport din faded away.

Her mouth opened as she stared up at him. She had so much she wanted to tell him but by the time she thought of something remotely coherent, his face became guarded and wary and he looked away.

She blinked rapidly, his rejection stinging.

“Hi. Uh…” Pam cleared her throat, her eyes darting between him and the girl at his side. The way the woman was staring up at him with such adoration, albeit confusion, unsettled her in a way she didn’t want to analyze quite yet. She blurted out the first thing she could think of. A lie, naturally. “Phyllis couldn’t make it.”

Jim exhaled loudly, turning his attention suddenly to the tops of his shoes. She didn’t know if she imagined the small shake of his head or the corners of his lips turning up, but her cheeks flushed bright pink. He knew she was lying through her teeth. It made her feel exposed to have him see through her so completely.

“Ah,” was all he allowed.

Silence.

Pam shifted uncomfortably. In all the ways she imagined their reunion going, this was not one of the ways that she has considered to be an option.

The brunette lifted her chin in the air and nudged Jim in the ribs, staring up at him with questioning eyes.

“Oh, right. Sorry.” His mouth twitched into a forced smile and he put his hand on the small of her back. “Karen, this is Pam Beesley. We used to work together.”

Pam tried not to flinch at the formal introduction that rolled seamlessly off his tongue.

Used to work together. That was a far cry from what they were, she smarted indignantly, curling her fingers into closed fists in an attempt to control her conflicting emotions. They were more than that. They were friends. They were closer than any two people had a right to be.

“Nice to meet you,” Pam heard herself saying, extending her hand to Karen, determined to keep her fingers steady.

“Hi,” Karen replied warmly. Her dark brown eyes flickered up to Jim’s for reassurance. Their private moment seared itself into Pam’s brain without invitation.

Pam wanted to burst into tears when she realized that Karen was looking at Jim the way Jim used to look at her. That was their look. The one of genuine love meeting utter denial.

“So. You’re a fellow Dunder Mifflinite?” Karen asked, her brow knitted at the awkward tension.

“A what? Oh. Yes. Yes.” Pam felt the tears begin to form but she pushed them away by sheer force of will. She wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of there. “Do you guys need any help with your bags?”

Karen chuckled. “Probably. Jim seems to think I over packed.”

“And why wouldn’t you?” Jim asked as though it were perfectly natural. His tone had a hint of perfectly serious mocking. “Apparently Scranton exists in some vortex of the universe with no heaters or blankets, so you had to fill that void for entire North east region.”

“Shut up!” Karen protested. She turned to Pam as though they were already best friends. “He told me that his mom hates to turn on the heater until it reaches at least twenty below, so I wanted to be sure I didn’t freeze to death in the igloo that is otherwise known as the Halpert residence. His words, not mine.”

Jim snorted. “Do you carry a tape recorder around with you whenever I’m around? That quote was…uncanny.”

She blinked, deadpan. “What, that’s not normal?”

“No, that…is scary.”

Pam squeezed her eyes shut as they bantered back and forth. She was staying at his house. She was meeting his mother. She was home for the holidays. With him.

“…Isn’t that right, Pam?”

She heard her name and jolted back to reality. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I was trying to explain to Jim that all girls over pack when they go on vacation. Its like, in our genes. Back me up here, Pam.”

Jim opened his mouth, but then clamped it shut instantly. Instead he waited with Karen for Pam’s female solidarity consensus.

“Um. I’m not the best person to ask,” Pam mumbled softly, keeping her head down while they waited for their luggage to come around the conveyor belt. Where was the damn luggage? “What does your bag look like?”

“All of mine are red. Jim’s are black, which is coincidentally just like half the country’s, so I made him tie a pink ribbon around the handle so we could find it.” Karen smirked, proud of herself.

Pam had to look away, feeling a persistent ache growing inside her. She didn’t know why she was so crushed. Aside from the few times Jim had actually looked her way, he seemed to be doing well. He was smiling and laughing and joking around. That’s all she wanted for him, to be happy.

She just didn’t know why it had to hurt so badly.

***

Jim opened the passenger side door and let Karen slide in the front seat while he took the back. Pam turned on the heater and waited a few moments for her fingers to thaw before starting to drive.

“So what are you plans for Thanksgiving?” Karen wanted to know.

Pam resisted the urge to groan. Chatting up Jim’s ‘friend’ wasn’t high on her list of priorities.

“My parents are coming in town,” she answered simply. She rubbed her nose trying to warm herself up but she was cold down to her core.

“Oh wow!” Karen breathed. “What a pretty ring. Are you married?”

There was a strained pause. She resisted the urge to look in the rearview mirror and catch Jim’s eye, but she had a feeling he was staring blankly out the window, watching his old life pass him by.

“…Yes.”

“Awww. How long has it been? You look so young!”

Pam couldn’t believe this was happening. She wanted to fix things with Jim, not remind him over and over again that she had broken his heart by marrying Roy.

“Not…too long ago. I don’t really want-“

“I love weddings. I bet yours was beautiful.”

“It was nice.”

***

Pam opened the door to her apartment and silently stepped inside. Roy was napping on the couch, a football game muted on the television. She turned it off and went to their bedroom, her legs feeling like lead.

The bed was unmade and Roy’s laundry was scattered across the floor, but she barely even noticed. She picked up the photo on their nightstand and stared at it hard. It was taken years ago, at a carnival that had come through town. Cotton candy was dissolving in her mouth as she ‘cheesed’ for the camera and the feel of Roy’s stubble was against her cheek as the picture was taken. She remembered it like it was yesterday.

She remembered being so happy and content. He wasn’t always perfect, he wasn’t always romantic, he wasn’t always sensitive, but she had loved him with her whole heart. She knew who he was when she accepted his proposal and promised to spend the rest of her life with him. Sure, there were bad times, but she never focused on his faults before. He was just Roy and that was enough for her.

Tears spilled from her eyes and she carefully took the photo out of the frame and held it to her chest as she cried, alone in her bedroom.

When did he stop being enough?