Mark’s cell rang and he disappeared outside for a moment. Jim sighed into his last beer of the night and was encouraged by how nice it had been to get out on the town, catch up with old friends, and not think about Pam at all. Well, except for now, when he was alone and tipsy and nostalgic.

Beyond that, he was actually enjoying himself, like his life could actually be okay without her in it.

“Hey. Hey! Halpert, is that you?”

Jim could feel his entire body tense at the boisterous voice booming from somewhere behind him.

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“It is you!” Roy was grinning as he stumbled over to the bar and threw his arms around Jim as though they were old buddies.

Clearly, Pam never divulged what had occurred between them on Casino night or Roy would have instead thrown his ham-sized fist into his face. Jim almost would have preferred being hit. Then they wouldn’t have to go through this pretense of male bonding.

“Roy. How’s it going?” Jim’s unenthusiastic greeting was lost on Roy.

“Oh, it’s not bad, not bad. We missed you at the wedding. How was Jamaica?”

“Australia. It was good.” He never went, but didn’t see the need to divulge that information.

“Right. So how have you been, man? When did you get back in town? Man, Pam’s gonna be glad to see you.”

Jim glanced sharply at him as Roy ordered another beer from the bar. Did he not know that Pam had picked him up from the airport yesterday?

Again, he couldn’t help but wonder what Pam was doing. Did she even know herself?

“Oh yeah?” was all he could muster.

“Oh yeah. She’s around here somewhere. She’s been in the bathroom, like, all night. Probably the chicken wings.” He nudged Jim, who could only tighten his jaw and shake his head.

“So how long you in town for?”

“Uh. Just the holidays.”

“Oh really? Well I know Pammy’s gonna be happy to have you back.”

Jim hated that nickname. “Why is that?”

“I think she missed you, man. It’s a good thing I’m not the jealous type, cause the way she moped around after you left was unreal. I just wanted to tell her, snap out of it! Ya know?” He laughed to himself.

A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips, despite Jim’s best efforts to remain stoic and unmoved.

“It’s too bad you’re not back for good,” Roy continued, obviously a chatty drunk. Or maybe it was just Jim’s karma for kissing the man’s fiancé that made him the perfect target to vent all spousal frustrations to. “You were my Pam buffer.”

Dimples popped out of Roy’s cheeks and Jim could vaguely see how he could have been considered charming, maybe in high school, when overgrown buffoons were considered all the rage. But it never ceased to take him by surprise to know it was a guy like him that Pam had ended up with.

“What is a Pam buffer?” Jim asked, looking around the bar, trying to figure out a way to escape.

“The person she talks to before she gets to me. Now she comes home and wants to talk. All the time. And its blah blah Michael and blah blah Dwight and blah blah sexual harassment.”

“Sorry I messed that up for you,” Jim commented wryly, a deep hatred burning within him.

Hate at Roy for not understanding what he had. Hate at himself for still giving a damn. Hate at Pam for choosing this for her life.

“Jim.”

Her small voice caught him off guard. He turned to face her and saw her licking her lips nervously. Her eyes were wide and red and puffy and he fought off the urge to be concerned at her obvious misery.

“Pammy!” Roy exclaimed happily, extending his arm. “Look who I found!”

Pam winced when Jim fixed a pointed gaze onto her. His eye was twitching and his jaw was clenched. He was pissed, she realized, as opposed to Roy, who looked so proud as to have reunited her with her old friend.

She was at a complete loss.

“I see that. Hi, Jim.”

He gave her a curt nod in reply and she coiled back, stung. She didn’t think she would ever get used to him looking right through her.

“I was just telling Jimmy here that we missed him at the wedding.”

Pam hated that nickname. She stiffened as Roy wrapped an arm around her hunched shoulders and hugged her close. She met Jim’s eyes briefly before breaking into a hoarse cough.

“Yeah…” she said dully.

“Hey you two, I’ll be right back,” Roy groaned. “This stuff is going right through me.”

“Actually, I was hoping-“ Pam cut herself off when he disappeared. She bit her lip and looked down.

Jim closed his eyes, taking a deep, controlled breath. He hated being near her and not knowing what to say. That had always been their charm, even if it meant discussing nothing but Angela’s cat parties.

It was what made them…them.

“You look good.”

His shoulders sagged forward at the sound of her timid compliment. He wasn’t sure if his reaction was in relief or of defeat. It was the first time they had been alone since he’d returned and his defenses were weak when it came to the vulnerability showcased in her sad eyes.

She stared into him and searched for a way to have that be enough to make them okay again. But his gaze fell to her ring and he didn’t want it to be okay. He wasn’t okay.

The hurt he felt wasn’t akin to the utter devastation that paralyzed him in those first few months, but it wasn’t the unaffected indifference he so desperately needed either.

Maybe for now that was good enough though.

Maybe it was a start.

“You too.”

She smiled. “Thank you.”

He knew what she meant.

“I didn’t think you liked Poor Richards.”

“I don’t, really,” Pam admitted. “The smoke in here is killing me.” She eyed him casually, trying to keep her tone light. “Where’s…Karen?”

Jim shrugged “She didn’t want to come. She's, uh, baking with my mom.”

In all the time he’d known Karen, which granted, wasn’t that long, she never seemed the Susie Homemaker type. But to his surprise, she had seemed to fit in seamlessly into the Halpert kitchen, though he sincerely doubted that she’d ever so much as turned on an oven, let alone baked homemade cookies from scratch. He didn’t know if it bothered him that she was trying so hard to fit in with his family, or if it impressed him that she would go to such great lengths to show him how good they could be together. He decided the latter. It was healthier.

Pam swallowed hard and nodded. “Your mom…she likes her?”

“Yeah, I guess so. She let her into her kitchen, so there’s that.”

Her laugh sounded hollow, even to her own ears. “Good. How, uh, how long have you two been…you know?”

“Oh. Um.” He shrugged again, non-committal. “We’re just…She needed a place to go for Thanksgiving, so…”

“Oh.” She nodded a few times too many, trying to disguise the fact that she was relieved. “Oh. Well. She seems nice.”

“She is. She really is. So how’s married life?” His words blended together as he rushed to spit them out.

“Good. You know. Really pretty good.”

“Good.”

“Yeah, I, um…we miss you around the office.” Her lashes lowered.

“You’re not going to believe this,” Jim laughed suddenly. “But I actually miss Dwight.”

Pam gaped at him. “No way.”

“I do, I do. There’s this guy I work with now, right? And I put his calculator in Jell-O-“

“Naturally.”

“-And he starts asking who did it. At first, he’s a little agitated, but calm, right? But then he starts kicking trash cans across the room and screaming. It was…terrifying.”

Pam sat down next to him at the table without thinking. “Come on, he can’t be more bizarre than Dwight,” she argued, as though it were a competition and her team needed to win.

“I don’t know,” Jim replied. “With Dwight, you always knew what you were getting. He’s demented, but at least he was up front about it. I mean, he brought a potato gun into work in his gym bag. This guy just seemed so normal.”

“Those are the ones you have to watch for,” Pam replied matter of factly. “Case in point: Creed. Remember those…sprouts of his, or whatever he kept in his desk that smelled-“

“-Like death, yeah, I know, I know. I gotta say, that? I don’t miss.” He laughed softly to himself before clearing his throat and taking another gulp of his drink.

An awkward pause settled in over them. Pam jumped in to fill it, desperate to hold onto their moment of ease and familiarity.

“Dwight and Angela are doing it.”

Jim started to choke, spitting his beer back into his glass. She bit back a grin and handed him some napkins, waiting for him to compose himself.

“What? What?” Jim exclaimed, his eyes wide and eager - and a little disgusted. “They’re…what?”

“You heard me. They are totally-“

“Stop it! No, I can’t listen to…How long? How is that…How?”

“I think since your party last year, but maybe even before that.”

His shook his head, in denial. “No, you told me that you were wrong about them. That you were making something out of nothing.”

Pam splayed her palms out and shrugged, smiling smugly.

“Oh, what is that?” Jim cried, mocking her expression. “You were sitting on the biggest secret that the office has ever seen and all you have to say is…” He again mimicked her movements, much to her delight.

“It was so not the biggest secret,” she protested.

“Name one that could rival Dwight and Angela doing…that.”

She leaned in conspiratorially, touching his hand lightly. “Oscar...is gay.”

“What?!”

“See? That’s bigger, right?”

“Bigger than Dwight…Dwight having a sex life – I mean, and its Angela! I can’t even…Oscar is gay? Really?”

Pam grinned. “They are at least equal in the realm of big secrets, don’t you think?”

“I’ll give you a draw, but there is no excuse for holding out on me for so long, Beesley. None.” He shook his head in mock disappointment.

“Oh, suck it Halpert. You’re just jealous that I have the detective skills to uncover such–“

“Detective skills,” Jim snorted. “How did you find out Oscar was gay? Tail him in your Impala?”

Pam rolled her eyes heavenward and smiled. “Um…Michael outted him and then kissed him in the conference room.”

Jim’s mouth formed a small ‘o’ of shock, and then he started to laugh. “Nice undercover detective skills you had to use there. Oh man, poor Oscar.”

“He got a six month vacation and new company car out of the settlement,” Pam confided. “I think I overheard his talking head about how this proves to kids that it pays to be gay.”

There heads bent forward in joined laughter but Pam instantly pulled away when a man approached from over Jim’s shoulder.

“Jim, hey…”

Jim spun around. “Mark. Hey. Was that Chelsea?”

“Yeah, she’s on her way. I’ll probably get a ride home with her…” he peered at Pam. “You’re…Pam, right?”

Her eyebrows rose. “Yes. I’m Pam.” She narrowed her eyes until realization dawned on her. “Mark, right?” She glanced at Jim to be sure. “From the party?”

“Yeah. Hey, how’s that Dwight guy? Still weird?”

“Always.” Pam started to smile, feeling a natural rapport between them, which shouldn’t have surprised her, considering he was one of Jim’s best friends.

Mark sat down across from them and gave Jim a look that demanded details but Jim shook his head ever so slightly and the look was gone.

“I gotta tell ya, Pam,” Mark confided with mock seriousness. “I thought Jim was making him up. I mean, I really did. Does he really live on a beet farm?”

“He’s even got his own crossbow range,” Pam concurred apologetically.

“Told you. I told him,” Jim shook his head. “Pam, do you realize how much money we could make off of Dwight? Just set up a little booth, sell some tickets and just let him go."

“What kind of booths should we have?"

"We'd have to give the people their money's worth, so...”

“We’d definitely have to have a dojo match in there.”

“Against 10 year old girls.”

Pam giggled, throwing her head back. “And we have to get him to raise and lower his cholesterol at will.”

Mark had to cut in. “Why would he want to raise his cholesterol?”

“So he can lower it,” Pam and Jim both replied in unison.

Pam watched with a growing sense of dread as the laughter on Jim’s face suddenly dissolved and his expression turned blank.

She stood up when she too saw Roy threading his way back over to their table. A heavy weight re-settled on her shoulders.

She and Jim exchanged small glances as Roy and Mark met and shook hands.

“What were you guys talking about?” Roy asked, putting his hands on Pam’s shoulders and squeezing gently.

“Just work stuff.”

“Michael, right?” Roy guessed, already nodding. “What a douche.”

Pam smiled weakly while Mark and Jim shifted uncomfortably in their chairs.

“Hey, you guys interested in a game of darts?” Roy asked, rubbing his hands together.

Pam opened her mouth to object but before she could, Jim declined.

“No thanks. I’m probably gonna head out.”

“What time does your brother get in?” Mark asked, signaling their waiter for another drink.

“An hour ago,” Jim admitted sheepishly.

Mark laughed, nudging him in the ribs. “Yeah, you should probably get back home. Doesn’t your brother have a thing for stealing your girls?”

Jim made a face. “One time.”

“That I had to hear about for years,” Mark reminded.

Jim found himself smiling. “She already looked at my baby pictures. How could she resist me after that?”

“It bodes well for you that baby pictures turn her on. At least she won’t be disappointed.”

“That’s not what your mom said. If I remember correctly, I believe the phrase was “Oh…my God. Please don’t hurt me.”

“Have I ever told you about my mom’s fear of small things? It’s called microphobia, and while it’s not very well known, it’s a very serious condition that causes one to scream out in terror.”

“Well, she didn’t act like she was scared of it when she was going-“

“Stop! You win!” Mark waved his hands wildly and shook his body violently to clear the images. “You win. I have officially reached my limit of talking about my mother having sex. You are the champion.”

Jim took a mock bow. “I want to thank my best friend Mark. He was a fine competitor. I gotta say, you almost tripped me up by actually knowing the scientific term for fear of small things, but I powered through.””

Mark shook his head in mock disgust. “I just didn’t have it in me today.”

“That’s what she said.”

Everyone’s head turned towards Pam, whose voice was small but her smile was proud and knowing.

Mark gaped at her while Jim hooted in appreciation. “Nicely played, Beesley.”

Pam felt warm all over, meeting Jim’s eyes brazenly for a few moments, until Roy broke the spell.

“That’s what who said?”

She turned to him, her smile fading. “Nobody. Its…I was…its nothing.”

Jim mood started to sour as he watched her visibly deflate. “Anyway, I’m outta here,” he told Mark shortly. “You sure you don’t need a ride home?”

“Nah, Chelsea will be here soon. And I kick ass at darts,” he said pointedly.

Roy puffed up. “Oooh, it is on my, man.”

“Actually,” Pam interjected. “I was hoping we could head home.”

Roy was clearly perplexed. “Why?”

“Um…” she scratched her temple and stepped in closer to try and keep their inevitable argument as quiet as possible.

“The smoke in here is getting to me. And I’m tired.”

“Yeah, but Pam…it’s still early.”

“Its past ten,” Pam argued. “I thought you wanted us to hang out tonight?”

“I thought we were? Come on, baby, just one more game? This guy thinks he can beat me. You can be my personal cheering section. It’ll be fun!”

“Yeah, for you,” she responded sourly.

Roy sighed, then perked back up. “Halpert? You’re taking off right?”

Jim pressed his lips together tightly. “Yeah.”

“Would you mind taking the little lady home? She’s not feeling well.”

He held his tongue. “Sure. Will do.” He grabbed his wallet and paid his tab.

“You don’t have to,” Pam told him. “Your brother just got in town.”

Jim just stared at her sadly. “It’s alright. Come on. I’ll take you home.”

The night air was cool as they left the bar, side by side, crunching the slushy snow beneath their shoes in beat with the other. Pam’s legs felt heavy as they trudged through the crowded parking lot. Her feelings were hurt, but the chance to be alone with Jim was quickly making her care less and less.

It had felt so much like old times as they had sat in the bar, laughing and coming up with new schemes to use Dwight’s own weirdness against him for their own gain.

Jim turned to her, opening his mouth to say something, but then proceeded to gracefully stumble over his own feet before he could utter a word. Only Pam’s quick grab of his coat jacket spared him an embarrassing fall onto the snow covered gravel.

Pam burst into loud, infectious giggles at his expense, the laughter bubbling from deep within her belly and vibrating in her throat, leaving him feeling emasculated nonetheless. He turned around to see what tripped him, trying to play off his own clumsiness, which only added to her uncontrollable cackles.

She managed to stifle her amusement for a moment to solemnly hold out her hand. He stared at her bare palm for a moment before glancing up with a quizzical expression.

His first instinct was to slowly reach out and touch her skin, to lace his large fingers through her slim ones. To gently squeeze and feel her heartbeat through her palm as it slid against his. To bring her frigid fingers to his mouth and let his hot breath warm her up.

She caught the intensity in his eyes and she nearly melted from the heat of his gaze.

“Car keys,” she finally said.

“What?”

“Give me your keys, Halpert. I’m driving.” A teasing smile played on her lips.

He made a face before handing over his keys, the metal jingling as the transfer was made. “A guy has one bad moment and all the sudden, he’s a sloppy drunk.”

“I just don’t want to take any chances. You have precious cargo.” She gave him a smile that physically made him ache.

Jim didn’t feel drunk in the least. If the brisk wind outside wasn’t enough to sober him, the thought of being alone in a confined space with Pam would have done the trick just fine. He knew deep down he shouldn’t have agreed to do this. He should have declined and gone home to his family, to see his brother, to be with Karen.

But there he was, handing over his car keys just because she’d smiled at him.

***

The ride was mostly quiet. Jim seemed to have something on his mind but the soft music of the radio station lulled them into a comfortable silence.

Pam sighed deeply, gripping the steering wheel tightly in her grasp. She was frustrated with Roy but she couldn’t help but blame herself as well. At least Roy had been making an effort lately, as opposed to her. He’d been the one who wanted to stay in bed the other morning and even run a bubble bath, but Pam had been too fixated on getting to the airport in time for Jim’s flight to get in to bother with his romantic gesture.

He had cooked her dinner last night – not her favorite meal, but it was good. He’d even planned an evening out tonight for just the two of them.

His execution had been sorely lacking, but he was trying. She had to give him credit for that. At least when his mind wandered, it was on sports or cars – not another woman. Her cheeks burned once again as she thought of earlier, listening to Mark joke about Jim’s prowess in bed. Her eyes had lowered and her breath had caught until she felt like her heart was about to explode out of her chest.

Her guilt was eating her alive, gnawing painfully on her insides. Those feelings, those emotions, those flashes that just wouldn’t go away, no matter how hard she tried. Or maybe it was the fact that she hadn’t tried. She clung to those memories more often than she liked to admit and she knew it was ruining her marriage.

She knew she had to find a way to make peace with her decision. She knew she had to find closure with Jim.

She knew she had to let him go.

***

Jim was lost in thought, the corners of his mouth still turned upward as he replayed those last scenes at the bar again through his mind. He thought of her sitting right next to him, her barstool hugging his close, their hands touching as they conspired, their heads nearly bumping together as they threw their bodies into laughter. He heard her sharp tongue as she teased Mark, her eyes glittering with sparks of life, her lips curling into a devilish smirk. He felt their connection all over again, as if she were born to finish his thoughts and act out his most daring schemes as though they were her own. It had been so perfect, the way she knew him without even trying. The way she could answer questions never verbalized. The way they could sit and just be

His heart turned over in his chest as he wondered…shouldn’t that mean something?

Shouldn’t it mean everything?

His eyes shut and he wished he could just…He didn’t even know what he would do if he could just…

Everything about Pam was complicated and uncertain. She was a perfectly maddening blend of free spirit and Stepford wife. She wanted so much more out of life, but then let it all pass her by without a fight. She was wonderfully loyal, but didn’t know when to just cut her losses.

Sometimes he truly believed that the grief she brought on him wasn’t worth the wacky plans and stolen glances and inside jokes and the ring on her finger.

Yet he had a feeling if tomorrow, she woke up in his arms, he wouldn’t regret a day of all it took to get her there.

As long as she was there.

But he knew she never would be.

She would always be someone else’s to love.

He had to let her go