Her question broke through the silence that had enveloped the heating car. Pam had been playing with it on the tip of her tongue, trying to find the right time, because there might not be another time and Jim was pressing his cheek to the cool window, watching as his breath came out tangible against the glass.

“Are you coming back?”

His insides stilled to the point where he forgot to breathe. The fog on the window evaporated, reminding him it was time. He sat up straighter but kept his eyes focused ahead, unwilling to look her way. “Coming back?”

“To Scranton. Michael told us that the branches were merging. That you might come back.” Pam tried to keep her voice light, like it didn’t matter either way. Like it didn’t mean everything.

“Oh.” He watched the scenery float by outside like a movie reel, lost for words. He didn’t know what to say. He thought of jellybeans and palm reading and stolen kisses. He thought of the light reflected off her wedding band and her pregnant belly and their one year anniversary. “I don’t know yet.”

“When do you have to decide?”

“By the new year.”

She slowly pulled to a stop up to a stop light and turned to face him, trying to mask the desperation in her voice.

“A lot of people would love if you did. Come back, I mean. Ryan, for one. He has your old desk and he doesn’t seem to have the same tolerance for Dwight clipping his toenails every other Thursday like you do.”

Jim let out a small chuckle, then eyed her openly. “I just don’t think I can.” It wasn’t the hesitation in his voice that stung her. It was the scratch in his throat, the wince in his features, the slight trembling of his mouth. It was the way he framed it like a question that only she had the right answer for.

“Don’t you miss it here? Your family is here. Your friends. The Sixers.”

He threw her a warning glance but couldn’t resist the small smile that tugged at his lips. “Pam-“

“I mean, yeah, they haven’t won a championship since ‘83. But they play hard and they win…occasionally. They haven’t done anything to deserve this.”

Even though her persuasive appeal was met with a genuine laugh, she hated herself for not being able to tell him the truth. The truth…was such a tricky concept for her these days.

The truth was, she needed him back. And there was a time when she would have told him, even though it meant baring her soul and risking her heart. She had to search a long way back, but there was a time when maybe, she would have had the courage.

Jim welcomed the silence that followed. He closed his eyes and prayed for it to stretch until it was time to say goodbye, because he had to save up all the strength he had to be able to do that, and if she kept stealing his thoughts and his words and his breath from him, all he might be left with is lingering hugs he can’t pull away from and tears he can’t force back and the three words he can't seem to banish from his lexicon.

The car stopped and the engine stilled. The silence turned into quick breaths and beating hearts.

He opened his eyes and stared at the red brick building with gold lettering emblazoned on the walls proclaiming it Prescott Elementary. He turned to look at Pam, who was eyeing him with a small smile.

“Where are we?”

“Come on. I want to show you something.”

She got out of the car and waited nervously for him to join her. It was presumptuous, she realized this. But she didn’t want to go home just yet. She didn’t want to say goodbye. She didn’t want to let this opportunity slip through her fingers. She just wanted a little more time.

The car door slowly opened and a wary Jim stepped out. “If this is a kidnapping, I’ll have you know that my dad is a cop and he will find me.”

Pam smiled up at him. “Your dad sells insurance.”

“But he owns a gun.”

“Yes, he does,” Pam agreed. “But its unloaded, locked in a glass case, and he doesn’t know where the key is.”

Jim laughed shortly. “How do you remember that?”

“I remember everything.”

His lips tightened and the tension crackled. Pam pulled her jacket tighter and cocked her head. “It’s this way.”

He followed her, keeping a safe distance behind. Any closer and he might feel the natural urge to take her hand in his and lightly swing in time to their steps. “Where are you taking me?”

Pam turned around and continued to walk backwards. The lights of the building illuminated her rosy cheeks and the light wind lifted her tendrils around her face. “This is my old elementary school. I think it’s my favorite place in the whole world.”

They came to a stop by the playground and Jim watched as Pam sat down on a swing and gently pushed back and forth.

She looked so small, her fingers wrapped around the chains and her toes dragging in the grass. He took the swing next to her and held on tight.

“Well, it could definitely give Disneyland a run for its money.”

Pam laughed. “I don’t know. I just love coming here. It’s so peaceful.”

“You think this is peaceful…You should come back Monday at recess.”

She made a face but her lips quirked up. “Forget it. I don’t know why I brought you here.”

Jim swiveled in his swing until his knees brushed up against hers. “No, tell me. Why did you bring me?”

Pam stared at their legs, feeling her body warm from his contact. “I don’t know. I’ve never brought anyone here before. I just wanted you to see. I wanted to show you.”

“Pam Beesley, circa 1987?”

“Yeah. I think you would have liked me back then.”

Jim smiled and looked down, almost shyly. “Oh yeah? Did you have the first Thundercats lunchbox on the block?”

“No,” Pam retorted. “Mine was Transformers.”

He eyed her carefully. “Optimus Prime or Megatron?”

“Optimus Prime, naturally.”

“Alright then. I think you would have met my impossibly high standards for friends back then. Question: Did you steal lunch money from gangly boys with big ears?”

She felt her heart thump audibly in her chest and was sure that he could hear. “No,” she answered, though she could barely think to process a response at all.

“Good. Then I definitely would have liked you.” Their eyes met through the metal links.

“What were you like?”

“Gangly, with big ears and no lunch money,” Jim quipped, breaking into a toothy grin. “Teachers hated me. I was always pulling pranks and trying to be funny.”

“Then I think I definitely would have liked you too.”

Jim cleared his throat, shifting away from her and pressing his long legs into the earth to push off. “I don’t really have a bad memory of it all though. Everything was…easier back then.”

Pam glanced around wistfully. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I have some really great memories of this place, too.”

“Like what?”

“See that slide over there?” His eyes followed her fingertip. “I fell off of that my first day of school and broke my arm.”

Jim glanced at her with a wry grin. “Ahh…the memories.”

“And I was on this very swing when I was asked to go steady for the first time by Gerald Whitmore. I told him I’d rather eat paste than be his yucky girlfriend.”

“Harsh, Beesley.”

She continued without hearing him. “My favorite teacher was Mrs. Rupert…she had this assignment one day for us. We had to draw a self-portrait, how we saw ourselves. I went straight home that day and I worked so hard on it. It was my favorite assignment because it wasn’t work, you know? It was…art. When it was time to turn them in, we all had to get up in front of the class and show the picture. I saw all my friends with these drawings of themselves and I get this really sick sense of dread because mine looked nothing like them. It’s my turn to get up there and I show my self portrait. And everyone laughs because I had drawn a butterfly. That’s how I saw myself. Free and beautiful and unique. And Mrs. Rupert, she stood up and she took my picture and she put it up on the board and she gave it a big A plus in red marker in front of everyone. And she told me that I was the only one who understood the assignment. And that if I saw myself as a butterfly, then I was a butterfly.” She finished in a whisper, her lashes moistened by unshed tears.

Jim stared at her profile. “What happened to the butterfly?”

She turned to face him, her cheeks pink from the cold and emotion. “I don’t know. I think she…it got lost somewhere along the way.” She drew a ragged breath and stared down at her shoes as they traced an imaginary shape in the grass below.

“Do you think you’ll ever find it again?”

Pam gazed up at the night sky, watching the stars blink. “I hope so. I haven’t looked in so long, I almost forgot...”

“Why are you telling me this?” His voice was thick and raspy, choking on the meaning behind the words even though he knew he was bound to misinterpret them again.

“I don’t know.”

But she did. She wanted to share a part of herself that Roy had never touched. It was her past and her dreams and her promising future and it was limitless.

This place represented a time in her life when she knew what she wanted and she went for it without a care in the world. She could break her arm and still want to get on the slide again the next week, with her arm in a bright purple cast scrawled with black signatures. She could do an assignment and face rejection because she truly believed in herself. She could face down her fears and stand up for herself and be happy because the weight of the world hadn’t yet forced itself upon her small shoulders.

She wanted to feel like that girl again. And she wanted Jim to see that part of her and know there was hope for her yet.

“Pam…”

He almost let himself be swayed by her sad eyes and her pale skin and her trembling lips for just a moment. They were rocking so close to each other, if he would just lean a little bit, if she would just lean a little bit…Instead he shifted once more and stared into the night. It was a long while before she spoke again.

“I don’t know why I came to the airport.”

“I didn’t ask.”

“Yes you did.” Her words hit him across the face. “I guess I wanted to see you.”

“You guess?”

Her chin quivered imperceptively as she turned to him, searching his face, drowning into his eyes. “I wanted to see you.”

“Why?”

Pam heard so many emotions laced in that one question. Desperation. Longing. Bitterness. Exhaustion.

“I missed you. I miss you.”

It was only a whisper but it cut through him like a knife blade, severing his sanity. She was like an unrelenting army of one set out to destroy him and he was powerless to do anything to stop her. But he had to put up some sort of fight. Any sort of barrier to defend himself against the destruction she was going to bring him if he let her in again.

Jim slowly got to his feet and took a few measured steps before turning back to face her. “Pam. I don’t think we should do this.”

“Do what?” She sounded so fragile, like he was one word away from shattering her completely. She didn’t even move, just continued to stare at his empty, swinging chair.

“This. Talking.”

“We can’t talk?” She was being deliberately obtuse, but she didn’t care. She turned to him with shining eyes and a wounded expression.

“No. I don’t…think.” He shook his head and finally looked at her, looked into her eyes, so that maybe she would understand. “I don’t think we should see each other again while I’m back.”

She let out a shaky breath and stood up on wobbly legs, forcing him to take another step backwards to maintain their calculated distance. “What are you saying? You don’t want to see me?”

Jim’s insides tightened. “No. I don’t want to see you.”

“Why?”

Jim heard so many emotions dripping out of that one question. Hurt. Anger. Regret. Knowing.

“I just…I can’t do this anymore. Not again.”

“I thought we…I thought things were okay?”

“Things were okay. They are okay.” He took a breath. “But I deserve better than okay.” His tone was hard but his eyes were soft and sad. “I deserve to be happy too.”

“I want that for you.”

He shook his head, allowing the bitterness that was seeping into him take hold. “Then why are you doing this? Why are you showing up at the airport out of nowhere? Lying to your fian- your husband, Pam? Why did you bring me here? Why can’t you just let me go?”

Hot tears trickled down her cheeks, but she remained silent.

“I have a new life. I started over. I’m moving on. But then I come here and you’re waiting for me. And it’s not fair. You’re married, Pam. That was your choice. That was what you wanted.”

“I didn’t want to lose you. I never wanted that.”

“You can’t lose what was never yours.” His face was impenetrable and his eyes were dark with anger and frustration and an unrequited love that was about to finally wear him down to dust if he didn’t break free from the chains that bound him to her. “You don’t get to miss me, Pam. I’m not yours to miss.”

Her face clouded over at his harsh words. “Yeah? Well I wasn’t yours to love. It didn’t stop you from turning my life upside down, did it?” Pam swiped at her eyes furiously and angrily brushed past him, stalking away from him and his rejection. He called after her but she ignored him. She shut out everything except the blistering cold.

She welcomed the numbness like an old friend.