Pam numbly watched as Roy sliced the turkey, stopping briefly to grin over at her. The grin that used to make her heart drop into her toes, but now only made her feel trapped by her own choices.

They had a good week, she thought. No fighting. No arguments. Of course, when there was no real communication, it was easy to avoid the messiness that came with it. It wasn’t for lack of trying on Roy’s end. He really was trying to make it work. He started texting her in the middle of the day just to say he loved her. He brought home a bouquet of roses that she didn’t water and watched as they withered and died. He even offered to take her out to her favorite restaurant in Dunmore. It was as if he could sense her slipping away and was pulling out all the stops in order to pull her back to him.

And normally it would have worked. Normally, even the extra bit of care and attention bestowed upon her would have helped her snap out of her daydreams about a life unfulfilled. But now, it only seemed to draw her further into her cocoon of uncertainty.

She just felt empty inside.

It was the holidays. Her first as a married woman. The first where the subject of babies started to arise from her parents as they wistfully hoped that if it’s a girl, she was to have Pam’s talent and Roy’s charm.  The first where his family started hinting that they’d love it if their son was named after Roy’s great grandfather Walter, because he was sure to have the Anderson work ethic. The first where Roy turned to her with that look in his eye, that look that meant that ‘why shouldn’t we'? It was the next step, after all.

She felt like her life was slowly passing her by, minute by minute, without her.

All she could think was that it wasn’t right. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t what she wanted anymore. Maybe it was never what she wanted, though she knew that was a lie. There was a time when being married to Roy and the prospect of carrying his children was the only thing she dreamed about. Picking out engagement rings took the place of picking out the right kind of watercolors for her new project. Picking out the right house took the place of picking out the right college to go to. Wanting to make him happy took the place of wanting to make herself happy.

And it wasn’t on Roy. That was the disheartening part of it all. He never demanded she give up her dreams. He never forced her to put aside her aspirations or cajoled her into staying close to home for college instead of seeing the world. She did those things on her own, because she wanted so much to be with him, she lost sight of herself.

And now she was married. Married. And all she wanted to do was run away. It sickened her all the way down to her toes that those were always her only options: to stick in her heels or to hide from reality. Why couldn’t she just face that there was more she wanted out of life and go after it?

After dinner, she excused herself and went for a walk, heading nowhere. She didn’t know how long she walked or what she was walking towards, but she kept walking. Bitterly, she realized that was a metaphor for the state of her life. She had been with Roy so long…she didn’t know who she was without him. Even when another option came up to shake her shoulders and offer her another path, she stubbornly just…kept walking toward a future that wasn’t even hers any longer.

She spotted a couple leisurely strolling through the center of the park and she watched them. They were obviously in the beginning stages of dating, when there was the promise of permanent butterflies, kisses that never ended and the joy of unwrapping every new memory together. The shy glances from the beautiful woman, so sure of herself in every other way but the one as she leaned into the man, hoping for more. The delicate, almost cautious way the man slid his fingers over to take her hand within his, as if he were doing it for the first time and still wasn’t sure if he was doing it correctly. He stopped, his shaggy hair ruffling in the light breeze and leaned down to her for quite possibly their first kiss and Pam felt her heart splinter into a million pieces.

The kind of pieces that are jagged and sharp and are formed from taking someone’s heart in their hand and tenderly holding it before slamming it down on the concrete just to watch it break. Even the pieces splintered off, never to be found, never to be made whole.

The man looked up and let out a small laugh before his eyes found Pam and the laughter died. Along with so many other things. His hand tightened around the woman’s and they turned to walk away, leaving Pam there alone once more.

When she finally returned to her house, Thanksgiving was over and their families were long gone. She walked inside to find Roy watching television with the remote control in one hand and a beer in the other. His face lit up when he saw her.

“You’re home.”

Pam only nodded, watching as he turned off the tv and walked over to her. He squeezed her shoulder with his hand before continuing on to the kitchen. “Your mom told me to tell you to call her. And my dad wanted to apologize for leaving while you were gone, but they had to get back. And I…saved you this.”

He proudly produced a single piece of pumpkin pie, slathered in whipped crème.

“I know its your favorite and with the way everyone attacked your peach cobbler, I knew if I didn’t save you some, it would be gone. So.”

He rummaged around to find her a fork and she sat down to eat. It really was her favorite.

She cut a small bite and brought it to her lips. “I’m moving out.”

Pam ate her pie in silence.

***

She was sitting cross legged on the couch, watching him pace across their living room. The brown carpet was old and worn and hadn’t been steam cleaned in years. She really hated that carpet.

“You want a divorce?”

The shock in his voice almost pained her.

“Not a divorce,” she returned, pausing. “Not...yet. I don’t…I don’t know what I want yet, Roy. Just not this.”

Roy gaped at her. “Not this? What does that mean, not this?” He gestured wildly around the room, at the television that cost more than the art classes she wanted to take, at the painting on the wall that Roy bought thinking any art was good art, at the kitchen table that he had made by hand. Pieces of their life. “Of course you want this, Pammy. This was our plan. This is what you were waiting for.”

Pam was hit with a sudden jolt of self-pity. This? This was what she had been waiting for? All those years she waited for his ring, all those years she waited to set a date, all those years wasted wanting this.

“Are you pregnant?” Roy asked, his voice lowering. His eyes widened and his features slackened. “Is that what this is? Are you afraid I’m not ready for a kid? Pam, I’m ready. I am ready.”

“I’m not ready.” Her voice came out clear and loud, cutting any hope he had right off at the core. “All of this happened so fast.”

Anger started to seep out of him. “Fast? Pam, do you realize how stupid that sounds? We’ve been together for years. Years!” His voice thundered, but his face was still lined with confusion and hurt. At heart, he was still a little boy, wondering what he did wrong.

“Not…us. What I’m feeling. I don’t know when I started feeling like this.”

“Like what?”

Pam gazed at him sadly. “Like this isn’t enough for me anymore.”

His eyes began to water. “I’m not enough?”

Her head bowed. How could she answer that? Roy had been more than enough for so long. He had been everything. She wanted to sink to her knees in front of him and wrap her arms around him and comfort him. Make the pain go away.

But who would take away her pain?

“I’m not enough,” Pam whispered. “I don’t like who I am anymore.” Her voice cracked and her chin trembled violently. “I’ve been your girl for so long…I lost this big part of myself. I don’t draw anymore. I don’t have girl friends anymore. I don’t know where I went. But I want to find out. I need that.”

“I never asked you to stop any of those things,” Roy protested, allowing a fat tear to roll down his cheek before brushing it away with the back of his hand.

“I know. It just happened. I let it happen because all of those things that I loved became secondary to the things that you loved. And that…that’s on me. Not you.”

Roy shook his head, coming to sit beside her on the couch, careful not to touch her, afraid he might break her. “I don’t understand, Pam. I didn’t do anything wrong, but you’re still leaving me.”

“Are you happy, Roy?”

His face hardened. “Happy? Hell yes, I’m happy. I love you. Is this hard? Yes. I never expected it to be easy, but I expected it to be forever.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just have to do this.”

“But…Okay. Okay. You do this. You…find yourself. But…You’re gonna come back, right? You’ll come back to me.”

He waited a long time for her to answer, but the only sound he heard after was the quiet shutting of the door.