Always going to be like this
2:00 A.M. It was useless. She couldn’t sleep. Pam had been pacing the apartment for an hour. When she got home, Roy was already passed out in their bedroom, snoring. God, she hated how he snored. It was like some strange call of the wild. She’d lost count of the number of times she’d wanted to stuff his socks in his enormous, gaping mouth and affix a piece of duct tape to it. But she figured a plea of his snoring was annoying as hell and driving me to insanity wouldn’t work to her advantage in a murder trial.
Pam kept reliving the evening. ‘I’m in love with you…I just wanted you to know…Once.’ God, it felt so good to be in his arms. She had been afraid at first because for some reason, she had always expected him to be a lousy kisser. Roy was a lousy kisser. Pam shook her head furiously to clear her thoughts. What is wrong with me? I’m engaged! Why the hell am I kissing someone else? What in God’s name did Jim think he was doing? She tried to be angry at Jim, but she kept going back to that kiss…the way his hands had been warm on her back and her hips…how his breath had been hot on her lips. God! Pam groaned inwardly. I need therapy.
‘I’m in love with you.’ It haunted and chilled her. A shiver ran through her body and she walked into the darkened living room without bothering to turn on any lights. The glow of the street lamp outside was enough to help her maneuver her way around Roy’s various piles to the couch. Pam sighed as she sank onto the cushions and wrapped a blanket around herself. She rubbed the skin on her arms. She was still cold. Her tank top and lounge pants didn’t offer much protection from the chill she felt.
Looking around the living room, Pam realized she hated this apartment. She hated the trail of clothes Roy left as he entered the house. Shoes, socks, pants. God, he would go everywhere in his damn briefs if he couldn’t get arrested for it, she thought bitterly. Pam had known Roy was sloppy before she first moved in with him, but she had hoped she could help him change. Unfortunately, it seemed to have worsened as time went on. I did nothing to help things, picking up after him like his goddamned mother! He’d suffocate in all this shit if I weren’t around. She kicked over a stack of Sports Illustrated magazines he’d been ogling that afternoon. ‘C’mon, Pammy. These’ll be worth something some day!’ He’d been so engrossed in the pages he barely looked up when she walked out in her blue dress for the Casino Night. He’d grunted when she asked how she looked. What an ass! she thought savagely.
Jim had noticed, though. ‘Wow, Beesley. You clean up nice. That’s a great color. Periwinkle, right? See, I listen.’ Pam smiled. Jim always noticed things like that. ‘I’m in love with you.’ It hovered over her like a fog.
She shook her head, forcing away the rush through her veins. In the background, she could still hear Roy’s snores. I hope it hurts when he wakes up in the morning. Pam tried to tell herself she couldn’t sleep because of his snoring, but a nagging in the back of her mind wouldn’t let her be fully convinced. ‘I’m in love with you.’ Tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, she leaned forward to straighten the stack she knocked over and then paused. On the coffee table in front of her, in between two large heaps of Roy’s bills, she saw the airline packets. Pam reached out and picked them up, rage building inside her. Mexico. That bastard. Roy knew she’d always wanted to go to Hawaii. They’d been to Mexico so many times. But Hawaii…it was her dream. She thought he’d been kidding when he said, “C’mon, Pammy (God, how she hated it when he called her “Pammy”). You don’t wanna go to Hawaii.”
“It’s always going to be like this,” she said to the tickets. “He’s always going to tell me what I want—how I feel.”
‘I’m in love with you.’ Pam didn’t force away the body rush this time. She let it burn through her as she closed her eyes and slipped back in her memory to Jim’s lips…his eyes…his arms. The feel of her breasts pressed to his chest. How soft his hair had been in her fingers. The way he enveloped her in his scent. Jumping up, she knocked over several of Roy’s piles. Pam didn’t even stop to put on shoes as she ran out the door. Roy never heard the engine fire and the car peel out of the drive.
