“There is no reason to feel bad,
But there are many seasons to feel glad, sad, mad.
It’s just a bunch of feelings that we have to hold,
But I am here to help you with the load.”
- Travis, “Flowers In The Window”
She felt ridiculous for scribbling it onto a post-it note, but she liked the words, like the way they made her feel – okay, accepted, special. At first she just wanted to preserve that feeling, but every time her eyes wandered from her computer screen down to that obscenely orange sticky note, his words reminded her if she did ever change, she wouldn’t be that person. The one Jim cared about so much. The one he bought the teapot for, the one he made grilled cheese sandwiches for, the one he always made laugh. She could change herself for Roy, become the person he wanted her to be, but she was already the person Jim wanted her to be. The thought kept her awake last night, torturing her with the realisation that she couldn’t stand to trade in the way Jim saw her for anything else in the world, including the man she was supposed to marry.
So she kept the note on her computer. “You don’t need to change a thing about yourself” became the words she lived by. She stayed true to her hopes, her dreams, her desires, and her thoughts, and she was entirely unapologetic about it. Jim seemed thrilled by her emerging attitude over the last few weeks, but Roy continued his disapproval and harsh words.
For a while she was content to do as she pleased and just ignored Roy’s hurtful words, not sure she was ready to tip over the rocking boat just yet. The day she got the e-mail, however, everything changed.
Her heart froze in her chest, and at first she was afraid to believe it. She read every word three times before it really started to sink in. She looked up and saw Jim stand and stretch before heading to the breakroom, so she she jumped out of her chair to follow him. “I have something to tell you,” she blurted out as she practically skipped in behind him and grabbed a bag of tea from the cupboard.
“Wow, someone’s excited,” he smiled. “Seriously, Beesly, I think your cheeks are about to crack.”
“I am excited,” she admitted. “I’m really excited.”
“Okay, so tell me.”
“Nope,” she shook her head, filling her mug with water and sticking it in the microwave.
“Um, you just said you had something to tell me.”
“Yeah, but I have to let the suspense build a little,” she smiled innocently. “This is great news and I want you to experience the full effect.”
“Should I lock the door?” he quipped. “Because I guarantee Dwight is timing us right now.”
“Don’t trust yourself to distract him so easily this time?”
“We can only convince Dwight he’s been victim of some science fiction phenomenon so many times, Pam. Now quit stalling and give me the good news,” he insisted.
“Okay,” she caved. “Wait for it,” she said slowly, laughing as he just shook his head helplessly. “Wait for it….I got the internship!”
“You got the….what?!” he cried in disbelief. “Oh my God, Pam! The one Jan told you about? When did you even decide to apply? I thought you weren’t going to!”
“I don’t know,” she lied, knowing precisely the moment she decided to go for it. “I guess I just kept thinking about what you said and I just….did it,” she shrugged. “I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure one way or the other. I mean, I don’t really know anything about graphic design and I really wasn’t sure they were going to take me. I just got the e-mail a few minutes ago.”
“That is…amazing. I am so happy for you, Pam,” he said, and she could tell he meant it. “Did you um…did you tell Roy you were applying?” he asked cautiously.
“No,” she shook her head. “He doesn’t know yet.”
“Oh. So what are you going to….” The mood suddenly felt a lot less cheerful, and the microwave chimed to signal her water was ready. She busied her trembling hands grabbing the mug and opening the tea, acutely aware of his eyes studying her every move.
“I um…I’m going to tell him it’s over,” she whispered.
He looked completely surprised by the quiet announcement, but honestly, she wondered if he hadn’t seen it coming. As usual, however, everyone in the office had terrible timing, and Ryan walked in to refill his cofee. He looked awkwardly between the two of them as if sensing he was intruding, and then Kelly bounced in and ruined any and all chances for a peaceful conversation. Pam gave him a tight smile and then slipped away back to her computer to start typing the inveitable e-mail.
She was about a paragraph in to her lengthy explanation when her inbox started flashing.
From: jhalpert@dunder-mifflin.com
Subject: Really?
Two surprises in about five minutes, Beesly. I’m impressed. Are you sure that’s what you want to do?
- Jim
She glanced up and saw him looking at her, concerned and yet undeniably hopeful. She deleted everything she’d just written and started a new e-mail.
From: pbeesly@dunder-mifflin.com
Subject: Re: Really?
Jim,
Roy wanted me to be someone else. I could have done it, but somebody told me not to change. And I realised his opinion is the only one I really care about.
- Pam
She stared at the screen for almost a full minute, debating whether or not she should send it. Maybe it was too bold. Maybe it was too forward. Maybe he didn’t really feel the way his words made it sound. She started to doubt hrself and was about to delete everything, and the post-it note still stared at her, daring her to be brave just this once. She clicked the ‘send’ button and began to wait.
Unable to meet his eyes, she tried to look busy and distract herself. Unfortunately, no one was calling today and Michael had locked himself in his office and drawn the shades. Five games of Free Cell later, her inbox still wasn’t flashing and there was still no work needing to be done. Still, she refused to look up from the monitor, terrified he would look up at the same time. Instead she got out a notebook and spent the next ten minutes making a rough still-life of the items on her desk. When it was finished, however, her inbox remained empty and her stomach began twisting into painful knots.
Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore and got up to get some more tea, thinking it might calm her neves a little.
“Hey,” a familiar voice greeted. “Two cups in half an hour. Is that healthy?”
“Better than the coffee you’re always drinking,” she managed, surprised her voice didn’t tremble.
A long awkward silence passed between them, and Pam suddenly wanted nothing more than to slip back to her desk and play about a million more games of Free Cell to try to forget any of this was happening. But it was happening, and dammit, she needed it to happen, needed to break out of this rut of a life she was living, needed to take a chance on something – on someone.
“I was trying to think of the right thing to say,” he finally said.
“About the tea?” she asked in confusion.
“No,” he laughed shortly. “Not about the tea.”
“Oh,” she answered, tugging her sleeves over her hands as she always did when she felt particularly shy or unsure. And she was definitely feeling a bit uncertain right now.
“I need you to help me out here, Pam,” he murmured, his voice lower than usual, thick with emotion. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or do right now. And I know what I hope that e-mail meant, but I’m really not sure.”
She swallowed hard and dared to finally meet his eyes once more, surprised by the intensity of his gaze. “I….I’m going to break up with him tonight,” she said, her voice wavering just a little but still managing to sound determined. “It’s the right thing, and it’s what I want, but the truth is…I didn’t realise how wrong he was for me until I met you.”
He nodded slowly, then reached over and placed his hand on top of hers. It was so large, so comforting, able to cover her and protect her from the world and her own heartbreaking decision. She knew she was doing the right thing, but she wasn’t looking forward to the pain of ending a decade of her life, and his hand on hers made her feel like she might be okay anyway. No matter how much the breakup tonight would hurt, it would all be worth it to have these little moments without fear or guilt.
“Do you need me to do anything?” he asked softly. “I know I can’t…is there anything that would…can I make it easier?” he asked uncertainly.
“I don’t think anything can make it easier,” she answered honestly, a lump of emotion forming in her throat as she contemplated telling Roy, seeing his reaction, packing her stuff and leaving him in the ruins of a life that was never meant to be. “Do you think I can stay on your couch tonight?” she asked meekly. “I’ll go to my mom’s for the weekend and then start looking for places, but just tonight…”
“Of course,” he nodded immediately. “Yeah, as long as you need.”
“Thanks,” she said gratefully, hoping he understood that she didn’t just mean about the couch. “I guess we should get back to work then.”
He nodded and released her, and she realised she’d forgotten all about her tea.
***********************************************
When Roy stopped by later that afternoon, he informed her he was going out drinking with his friends and she could take the truck home. It took all her courage to look him in the eye and tell him they needed to talk, and she couldn’t bring herself to look at Jim for a full hour after Roy stormed out. In fact, she and Jim barely looked at each other the rest of the day. There was too much hanging between them now, too much they both wanted to say but couldn’t yet, not until all of this was over. He said a quick goodbye as he darted out the door, but there were no instant messages, no pranks, no shared smiled over the desk.
Roy wasn’t all that happy to be going home instead of out with the guys, so they didn’t speak at all on the short drive home. She quickly changed out of her work clothes into jeans and a t-shirt and then threw a few of the essentials into an overnight bag, making sure everything was ready so she wouldn’t have time to second guess herself. Tomorrow she would come back and pack for the weekend, but right now, she just needed to get through it and get out.
Two hours later, she was standing on Jim’s doorstep with tears streaming down her face. The breakup hadn’t been fast, filled with pleading borne of desperation and promises she knew he would break. By the time she made it out of the apartment, she no longer cared how she looked for Jim, and she had a feeling he wouldn’t care, either. “Oh Pam,” he breathed as soon as he opened the door, enfolding her in a hug as she practically fell into his apartment. He stood there and let her cry for a few minutes, then guided her over to the couch and helped her sit down. “Let me get you some water,” he offered.
She nodded, desperate for anything to keep her mind off the last two hours of absolute misery. She drank it slowly when he returned, trying to ignore the feeling of his eyes on her and the concern practically oozing out of him. She could tell he was nervous and didn’t know what to do, but that made two of them. It would be so easy to just fall into his arms and beg him to erase her memory of this awful night, but she would never forgive herself if she didn’t at least take the time to grieve the life she thought she was going to share with Roy. She owed it to him, and honestly, she owed it to Jim as well.
“Do you…want to talk about it?” he asked when the silence became too much to handle. “You don’t have to. We could always watch The Princess Bride or think up new pranks to play on Dwight. I have a list I’ve been wanting to bounce off of you for a while.”
“You make a list?” she asked, wiping at a few stray tears.
“Well, yeah, of course,” he answered as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Are you telling me you don’t?”
She laughed, but her heart wasn’t in it – it had already been too pulverised by the night’s events. The silence returned, and they both stared down at the carpet in a vain attempt to eliminate the tension and the awkwardness.
“He cried, Jim,” she whispered, still staring at a spot on the carept. “He actually….he cried.
“We don’t have to do this now, Pam,” he shook his head. “You don’t have to talk about it right now.”
“But I need to.”
“Okay,” he nodded, though she could almost swear she saw his eyes widen a little with fear.
“I guess….I don’t know. I thought maybe he wouldn’t be that upset. That maybe he would even be a little relieved. I mean, he finally decided to set a date, but three years of waiting…that means something. I guess I just thought maybe he would have seen this coming, but I was wrong. I was so wrong. I think he really believed he would never lose me.”
“I know it’s hard, Pam, but-”
She couldn’t listen to him, not right now, not until she said everything she needed to say. So she just kept talking, effectively cutting him off. “And even when I was sitting there, I couldn’t help thinking that I’d never made him cry. The only time I’ve ever even seen him shed a tear was at his grandmother’s funeral when we were teenagers. And that just made me think about the fact that I was there for that.” Another lump of emotion rose to her throat, and she involuntarily thought about his tears that day and his tears today, all the years blurring together in a crushing wave of emotions she couldn’t yet name. She ached for all the times he hurt her, the times he put her down and discouraged her and took her for granted, but she also thought about the times he did something thoughtful, the way he looked at her sometimes, the way they group up together and became adults together. Their memories were intertwined, and another part of her ached already with missing the part of her she left in that apartment tonight. “I was there for that. He asked me to be there. He needed me to be there,” she continued. “I was his family, Jim, and he was mine. For ten years we were each other’s family. So much of my life…” she trailed off and dropped her head into her hands, trying to imagine when and if she would ever get over the despair she felt right now.
To his credit, Jim didn’t say anything for the next few minutes, somehow just knowing that as much as she needed him, she also needed to be alone in her own head. He wrapped his arm around her, showing he was there with her, and just let her cry. When the tears dried up, she didn’t make a move, terrified they would start all over again if he took away the safety she felt here. “Hey,” he murmured. “I don’t….I don’t really know what to say here,” he admitted.
“It’s okay,” she choked out, her voice muffled by her hands.
“You just…you have to think about if you want your future to be like your past. It won’t make it hurt less, but at least you know…” he trailed off, and she felt him shift a little in discomfort, still keeping his arm firmly around her. “At least you know you did the right thing. For yourself,” he finished.
“Yeah,” she nodded slowly. “Yeah, I did. It just…really sucks.”
“Eloquently put, Beesly.”
“Suck it, Halpert. I’m sad. You don’t get to tease me right now. You’re going to make me laugh, and I really want to be miserable.”
“Well, if that makes you happy…”
She couldn’t help laughing a little, but a few stray tears still found her way down her cheeks as she slowly forced herself to sit up. As soon as their eyes met all jesting disappeared, and he reached over to gently brush her wild hair away from her damp cheeks. “It should have ended a long time ago,” she murmured. “Sometimes I think he asked me to marry him because he thought it was the only way to fix things between us. Neither of us were really happy anymore, but we still loved each other, so why not get married, right?” she laughed in self-deprecation. “It seems so stupid now.”
“It’s not stupid,” he shook his head. “Don’t say that.”
“I haven’t even told my mom yet,” she sighed. “I wanted to wait until it was done. She would just be worrying. And there are so many people to call and plans to cancel…”
“So call your mom in the morning. Everything else can wait.”
“Caterers and florists and all of the families,” she continued, feeling more and more overwhelmed as she imagined calling these people, sending out those terrible cards with their regrets and no real explanations.
“Hey,” he said quietly, reaching over to place a hand on her knee to still her. “This sucks, Pam,” he said, repeating her own words back to her. “But I’m here. I’m here to help you. With everything.”
It was the first thing all night that made any sense to her. “I know,” she nodded. And she did. She really did.
“C’mon. You should get some sleep,” he said, gently taking her hand and helping her up off the couch. She followed him as she showed her to the bathroom and made sure she remembered where everything was. He didn’t hug her or offer any more words of comfort before leaving her, but she was grateful for that, not certain she could handle anything else right now. She quickly washed her face, brushed her teeth, and changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt, then shuffled back to the couch. As she laid down and drifted into exhausted sleep, she realised she would have to put up a new post-it note tomorrow.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I still don't own it, including the wonderful Travis song, "Flowers In The Window." I do, however, listen to it entirely too much on my iPod. Thanks for reviewing! Happy Valentine's Day!
Chapter End Notes:
Coming up next: The One You Knew
