“There’s only one way I know how to get through this,
Stay here, and help me live through this.”
- Joshua Radin, “The One You Knew”
She still got jealous sometimes when women called for him. It was ridiculous, and she knew it, but she couldn’t seem to shake the memories of bright, perky, beautiful Katy calling and asking for him. She couldn’t admit it to herself then, but looking back, she knew that twisty, sick, bubbling feeling in her gut was jealousy. Everything about Katy was just so not her, and she hated it. She felt inadequate, felt less, felt plain. Those feelings were long gone now, replaced by his assurances both spoken and implied, that she was the only one he wanted. But there was just something about a happy female voice asking for Jim Halpert that brought all those memories back, and she preferred to leave the Katy’s of the world to the past.
She made the mistake once of admitting her jealousy to him. They were resting lazily on the couch, watching some absurd reality show on TV and talking casually about their days, and he mentioned a sale that had gone particularly well. She recognised the client’s name, of course, and she remembered how attractive she sounded even over the phone. When she confessed it to Jim, he laughed for almost ten minutes.
“So you think this is funny?” she asked, feeling a little hurt that he found this amusing.
“Pam, Adrienne is like, 45 and has three kids or something.”
“Is she pretty?” she challenged, a small smile threatening to spread over her face as she realised she really didn’t have anything to worry about.
“For a 45 year old?”
“In general, Jim. Answer the question.”
“She’s attractive,” he admitted. “Is now when I’m supposed to tell you she’s nothing compared to you?”
“Yes, that’s the line I was going for.”
“You’re insane,” he laughed, kissing her lightly on the forehead.
“I can’t help it,” she defended herself. “I’m haunted by memories of Katy. It’s really unfair that I have to take all these phone calls from potentially gorgeous women and then just pass them off to you.”
“Wow. There is just….so much,” he shook his head, not sure where to start. “Okay, first of all, Katy and I broke up. Like, a while ago. I broke up with her because of a certain someone else.”
“Do I know her?” she asked innocently.
“Yeah, I think you’re acquainted,” he answered playfully. “And second, you do realise I make a living by taking phone calls, right?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “Mind you, most of them are horribly ugly.”
“Well, I think from now on I’m going to screen your calls for you. Make sure you only speak to ugly women.”
“And how exactly are you going to do that over the phone?”
“Please, Jim,” she waved her hand dismissively. “I’m a receptionist. I’m an expert at this.”
It had become a bit of a joke between them now. If a woman called for him and she sounded at all attractive, Pam would hold up her fingers to display a ranking from 1-10 to indicate how hot she thought the woman was. In response, Jim would give his own ranking, though he had yet to give anyone more than a three.
It was a boring Thursday afternoon when the call came. They had just finished lunch and returned to their desks for another mind-numbing four hours, and she grinned a little at the chance to joke around with him. “Jim, it’s for you,” she said innocently, holding up nine fingers and laughing to herself as he rolled his eyes and picked up his phone. She waited expectantly for his response, and that was when she realised something was wrong. No fingers, no smile. He clutched the phone a little tighter, and his voice suddenly seemed a lot louder than usual.
“Larissa? Wait, slow down,” he insisted.
She recognised the name immediately and started out of her chair. She hadn’t met anyone in his family yet but he talked about them often, and she knew a call from his older sister in the middle of the work day meant bad news.
“Larissa, please,” he begged her. “You’re not making sense. You’re going too fast. Calm down and tell me what’s going on.”
Holding her breath, she hurried over to his side and placed a steadying hand on his arm. Everyone in the office was staring at them, but she shot daggers with her eyes, trying to make it clear they should just get back to work and leave them alone. She didn’t pick up any of the words that followed, but she was almost certain they didn’t make sense anyway. She felt the way he stiffened in panic, saw the expression on his face. She could feel the utter devastation oozing off of him, and she instinctively wrapped her arms around him as though she could protect him from this.
The phone call lasted no more than three minutes in total, but she felt their worlds changing in those three minutes. He scribbled a few things on a piece of scratch paper, and her heart broke at the way his hand trembled the entire time. “Jim,” she whispered when he hung up the phone.
His hand frantically sought hers, and she grasped his fingers and squeezed tightly. “Pam,” he breathed.
“Come on,” she murmured, slowly standing and pulling him away from his desk to protect him from Michael and Dwight and Kelly and anyone else who thought this might have anything to do with them. “Sit down,” she instructed, as they stepped into the break room. She closed the door behind them and gently forced him down into a chair before kneeling down in front of him and taking both of his hands in hers. She felt like her own heart was being ripped out of her chest as she watched him break, his head dropping to his chest as the tears began to fall. For a terrifying moment, she was afraid she wasn’t strong enough for this, wasn’t strong enough for him. So often over the last few months she turned to him for his support, his guidance, his shoulder to cry on. When the shattered pieces of her past seemed too hard to deal with, he was there for her. He let her cry about Roy, about ten years gone, about all the frightening new things she had to do. She wasn’t the strong one in this relationship, and she wasn’t sure she could be everything he needed her to be right now.
But then she thought about the notes. They no longer adorned the corner of her computer screen, but she still kept them nearby. Shortly after the started officially dating, she bought a tiny antique box at a yard sale they perused on a sunny Saturday afternoon. She tucked the notes in the box, now kept in the top drawer of her desk, along with a hot sauce packet, a yearbook photo, a mixed tape, and a yogurt lid label. Her “Jim box,” as she liked to think of it, reminded her of why she had to be brave. This was Jim - her Jim – and he needed her.
“Hey,” she murmured after a moment. “Talk to me, Jim,” she encouraged.
“I don’t….I can’t…” he stammered, shaking his head as though he could make everything go away.
“Okay, it’s okay,” she murmured soothingly, grasping his hands a little tighter.
“Pam,” he choked again.
“Shh. It’s okay. Just take your time,” she encouraged. He nodded slowly and continued to cry silently, and she forced herself to be patient. It was killing her to wait, but she would sit here with him as long as he needed. She rubbed her thumbs in slow circles over his hands, remembering the way he’d done that for her once and how safe and loved it made her feel.
“My dad,” he whispered after several solid minutes of silence.
“Hmm?” she asked softly.
“My dad is dead.”
The world seemed to stop for approximately ten seconds as she struggled to wrap her mind around the words. “Oh my God, Jim,” she breathed, abandoning her place on the floor in favour of throwing her arms around him. He pressed his face into her shirt and allowed the tears to soak through, reaching up to clutch her side as though she could save him from this sudden feeling of hopelessness and despair. “I’m so sorry,” she murmured into his hair.
“I don’t know what to….what am I supposed to….?”
She suddenly felt crushed by the expectations, by the sudden responsibility of taking care of him in the worst moments of his life, but she knew there was no place she could be except for right here. “I’m here,” she promised him. “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Hey Pam! I need you to-” Michael suddenly began, barging into the breakroom without warning. His eyes grew wide as he took in the scene before him, but apparently he didn’t pick up on the fact that he should just turn around and walk right back out that door.
“Not now, Michael,” Pam said firmly, giving Jim and apologetic look and squeezing his hands once more.
“Whoa, what is going on here?” Michael asked, an oblivious grin spreading across his face. He had his door closed when the call came in, and there was no way he could know what happened, but Pam wished that once, just once, he wouldn’t need it spelled out for him. “Are you two-”
“Michael,” she silenced him with a look. “Jim and I need to go. He’s had a family emergency,” she explained as calmly as possible, knowing any details she gave would only make the situation that much worse for Jim. “I’ll call you later and let you know when we’ll be back.” She made sure her tone left no room for questioning, and she could almost swear she saw Michael’s brain beginning to implode. It wasn’t often she stood up to him, knowing they’d get a lot more done if she just indulged him, but this wasn’t something for his good idea folder (also known as her waste basket) or a ridiculous “team-building” exercise. It was real, raw, painful life, and Jim needed as little Michael as possible.
“Oh. Okay,” he responded slowly. “But who’s going to-”
“Just ask Ryan, Michael,” she answered impatiently. He blinked a few times and stared at her in confusion, but the murderous rage in her eyes finally sank in, and he was out the door in seconds. “I’m so sorry, Jim,” she said quietly.
“No,” he shook his head. “That was….impressive. I’ve never seen Michael move so fast.”
“How about when he was saving himself from the fire Ryan started?”
“I think he’s more afraid of you now than he is of fire.” He actually managed a tiny smile at this, but it disappeared almost instantly as reality crashed back in. “Pam…”
“I know,” she nodded. “I know, Jim. I’m so sorry.”
“I need to go. I need to be there. My mom and Larissa and…oh God, Jonathan,” he said miserably.
“Just tell me where you need to go.”
“You don’t have to…”
“I want to.”
***********************************************************************
The next few hours were a jumble of phone calls and comforting tones and hysteria and tears. They managed to make it out of the office without incident, but she could tell he was barely holding it together as she drove him to the hospital. His brother was the first to call, followed almost immediately after by an aunt and a cousin and someone else she’d never even heard of. With every new phone call the tears started all over again, and it was all she could do to keep her eyes on the road and reach over to take his hand in her free one.
It struck her as she walked him into the hospital, her arm wrapped securely around his, that the first time she would meet anyone in his family was like this. Their first impressions of Pam Beesly would be formed here, in a hospital, after a horrible sudden death. They probably wouldn’t know – or care – who she was right now, and she hated that she had to meet the people he loved in such a traumatic situation. They’d been talking for weeks now about getting together with their respective families, but they were still taking things slowly, and there was always time for that later. Maybe next weekend, or on his mom’s birthday, or during that long weekend coming up. Not here. Not now. Not after his world had just been shattered.
For the rest of the day, she met people she would never be able to keep straight and who barely seemed to notice she was there. Mostly she went on a lot of coffee and food runs, though the coffee always grew cold and the food remained uneaten. Every once in a while after a long hug and another round of crying, Jim would glance over and seek her out, needing find her, needing to know she was still there. Every time she would smile gently and step to his side, intertwining her fingers with his or rubbing her hand over his back. For a few seconds he would turn and press lips against her hair and whisper his thanks, and then he was back to his mom or his brother or his sister.
A lifetime later, she drove him to his apartment to pack a bag. Larissa and Jon and their families were all headed to their parents’ house for the weekend, and she knew he would want to be with them as well as they started the long process of grieving and making all the arrangements for the funeral. They were silent for the twenty minute drive back to his place, and she wondered if she was supposed to offer to come with him or if he would be uncomfortable with her there. His brother and sister were both married, and it made sense for their families to come. She, on the other hand, was just the girlfriend. No one seemed to mind her presence at the hospital, but they were mostly too busy to even register who she was. She didn’t want to intrude on his time with his family, didn’t want to overstep her bounds, but she did want to be there for him. So she followed him into his apartment and sat on the edge of his bed, watching without a word as he slowly and deliberately packed his duffel bag with more clothes than he would ever need for one weekend.
“Do you want….anything to eat?” she asked, cursing herself for own stupidity as soon as the words escaped her lips. That was not at all the question she intended to ask, but she chickened out at the last second and sounded like a moron instead.
He blinked a few times, as surprised by the question as she was, and then shook his head. “No. I’m not hungry.”
“Right,” she nodded as she felt her cheeks burn a little. “I didn’t…stupid question.”
“It’s okay.”
The awkward silence of months ago suddenly returned with a vengeance, and for the first time since panda e-cards and a night of crying on his couch, she found herself averting her eyes from his and tugging her sleeves over her thumbs. She needed to say something smart right now, to look supportive and seem like she had this all figured out, but she really didn’t have a clue about the proper protocol.
“Pam?” he asked her quietly.
“Yeah?”
“You’re coming with me, aren’t you?”
And just like that, she had her answer. He sounded so lost and so vulnerable and she knew no matter who she was to his family, she was going to be there for every painful second. “Yeah, of course,” she nodded. “I should get some stuff from home, though. Is that okay?”
She couldn’t even describe the look of relief on his face as he nodded. “Yeah. No problem.”
She rose and kissed him lightly on the cheek, then took his hand and walked back out to the car. An hour later, she was pulling up to the driveway of a small but charming house on a pretty little cul-de-sac. There was a well-used basketball goal hanging over the garage, and she could just imagine a younger version of Jim out here playing with his dad and brother. As she parked the car, she noticed he was looking at the same goal, lost in a memory. “Hey,” she whispered.
“I just….I can’t believe he’s gone,” he shook his head. “I keep thinking I’m going to wake up and this won’t be happening, you know?”
She didn’t really – she’d never experienced a death like this before – but she
nodded anyway. This morning they woke up at his apartment, drank tea and coffee, showered, and dressed for the day. They chatted casually about plans for the weekend even though it was only Thursday, and then they went to the office and sent instant messages and avoided doing anything that resembled work. It was a perfectly normal Thursday morning, and prior to the phone call, there was no indication something like this might happen. His dad had been healthy and happy, recently retired and looking forward to having some free time with his wife to visit their children and grandchildren. He had been pestering Jim just a few days before, telling him they really wanted to meet Pam and that one of these days he was going to have to bring her over for dinner so they could share humiliating stories of his youth. She couldn’t even imagine how difficult it must be for him to wrap his mind around the idea that his dad would never call again, that they would never shoot hoops in the driveway again, that the big dinner was never going to happen.
“I don’t know if I’m ready to face this,” he admitted.
She turned off the car and shifted slightly in her seat, reaching over to run a hand through his hair. “I don’t know if anyone ever can be, Jim,” she pointed out softly. “I’m just so sorry. I wish there was more I could do for you. I don’t even know….I really don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”
“Just…don’t go anywhere, okay?” he asked meekly.
“I’m not going to,” she vowed seriously. “You want to go in? Or do you need a few more minutes out here?”
“I guess we should go on in,” he sighed heavily, though it was obvious he wanted to be as far from here as he could get right now.
She grasped his hand in hers as they walked to the door, and she didn’t let go of it for the next few hours. Everyone was a little more calm now, hysterics replaced by the ache of missing him, and they took a little more time to acknowledge her presence and include her in their quiet conversations. If anyone found it weird for her to be here, they didn’t show it at all. So she sat with Jim and tried to be his pillar as they tearfully reminisced and spoke in quiet tones about plans, and then she joined Jon’s wife in the kitchen to throw together a dinner no one would end up touching.
Later that night she found herself staring at the navy blue walls of his old room contemplating how much life had changed. With four bedrooms and two bathrooms, the house was going to be a little cramped for the weekend, but she was glad his siblings decided each of them would sleep in their own rooms instead of dividing up boys and girls. Larissa was great, and Jon’s wife was really sweet as well, but she couldn’t really imagine sharing a room with them for a few days. Still, it felt strange to be laying beside him in the bedroom where he grew up. A few months ago she couldn’t imagine even being next to him like this, her head on his chest and his arm around her waist. Now she was here in his childhood home, amidst his trophies and pictures and posters, listening to his heartbeat under her ear. Stranger still was the sense that she belonged here with these things and with these people and with him. There was something so very real about being her now, sharing in his pain and helping him cope. He wouldn’t want just anyone here, and if she was just his girlfriend, he probably would have left her at her apartment with a promise to call her when things settled down a little. But he didn’t do that. He included her – needed her, even. She suddenly felt very grown up, a feeling she’d never had with Roy. She’d never felt this kind of permanence with him, this kind of security that said this is for real, this is it. She always felt like she was playing house with Roy, always pretending to be two mature adults in a real relationship but never really feeling it. She couldn’t explain it and couldn’t put it into words, but the future didn’t seem so scary now. What she had here with Jim, these things they felt for one another, these things that they shared, weren’t the giddy highs of a new relationship or the thrill of mere infatuation. He was still staring up at the ceiling, absentmindedly tracing circles on her back as his mind drifted to the past, but she’d never felt so much in love before.
“He really wanted to meet you,” he said suddenly, his voice breaking the silence of the last hour or so.
“I wanted to meet him, too,” she answered honestly. “I wish we had gotten the chance.”
“We did have the chance,” he responded, and she could feel the regret bleeding from his words.
“Don’t do that, Jim,” she murmured, lifting her head from his chest so she could look him in the eye. “I know everyone says you should live every day like it’s your last or whatever, but all you can do is live your life with the knowledge you have at the time.”
“I know,” he nodded. “But it still just…I wanted him to meet you, Pam,” he said seriously, his voice trembling a little with the grief beneath it. “He was my dad and you’re….Pam,” he said, breathing her name like it was some sort of sacred secret. “I just can’t believe my dad’s not going to be there for…everything.” He was venturing into that unspoken territory now, the future ahead neither of them was brave enough to talk about yet, but he didn’t have to say the words out loud for her to understand. A dad was supposed to be there for advice when the time came to pop the question. A dad was supposed to be there the day his youngest son got married. He’d been there every step of the way for Jonathan and Larissa, but he would miss everything with Jim. The thought brought a lump of emotion to her throat, and she cuddled a little closer and prayed for the right words to say.
“Just because he won’t be there doesn’t mean he won’t be with you,” she said quietly. “And I know that’s pretty much the most cliché thing I could say, but it’s true, Jim. I know he would be proud of you and you have to just carry that with you.”
“He would be proud,” he agreed. “But that’s part of the problem.”
“What do you mean?” she asked curiously.
“It’s just…I’m the youngest. I was always the jokester, the clown.”
“I would have never guessed.”
“Yeah, times have really changed, right?” he laughed shortly. “When I told him and my mom about you….before we were together…they were just so happy I was getting serious about something in my life. But I could just…God, I’m saying way too much,” he shook his head in embarrassment.
“No, you’re not. Don’t worry about what I’m going to think. Just say what you need to say,” she encouraged him.
“It’s just that I had feelings for you for a really long time,” he admitted. “Like, a really long time before I even said anything. And they knew that. They knew I just couldn’t get the guts to talk to you and tell you the truth. So I wanted him to see this, to see us. I wanted him to see me being serious about something. He would be proud, but I was just being stupid and scared. I didn’t want to freak you out. And now you’re thrown into the middle of planning a funeral with these people you’ve never met before, so I think I pretty much failed at not freaking you out anyway.”
“Jim,” she said, her voice holding a gentle warning. “You’re not freaking me out. Nothing about your family or you could ever freak me out, okay?”
“I just didn’t want to do anything to mess this up, you know?” he asked, and she wondered when exactly this stopped being so much about his dad and more about them.
“Yeah, well, what I’m saying is you couldn’t do that, so it’s a moot point. You don’t need to be worrying about me right now. It’s my turn to take care of you, so just let me do that,” she implored.
He nodded slowly and bent his head to kiss her on the forehead, allowing his lips to linger there. “I think what you meant was a ‘moo’ point, Pam,” he said after a few minutes.
“What?” she asked in confusion.
“You said ‘moot.’ The word is ‘moo.’ Like a cow’s opinion. It doesn’t matter because it’s moo.”
She gave a rather unladylike snort as she laughed, and she could feel his chest rumble a little with laughter as well. Yes, this was still her Jim, and silly as it was, it was comforting to know they were going to get through this. “Wow, a ‘Friends’ reference, Halpert? I wasn’t expecting that one at all. How very 90s of you.”
“Please, Pam. I’ve seen your apartment and your scary collection of DVD box sets.”
“I didn’t know you had them memorised.”
“What can I say? You still have some things to learn about me, Beesly.”
“I hope so,” she answered, tilting her head so she could kiss him lightly. Reality returnd as soon as they parted, and she felt him sigh heavily beneath her in exhaustion. “You should sleep,” she suggested softly.
“Yeah,” he agreed quietly. “Hey Pam?”
“Hmm?”
“Stay with me, okay?” he asked in a small voice. “I need you,” he admitted. “I don’t know how to get through this without you.”
She felt tears rushing to her eyes and pressed her lips against his once more so he wouldn’t see her cry. “I promise,” she whispered against his warm skin. They stayed locked in an embrace for a few minutes, but slowly she felt him relaxing, his fatigue finally winning the battle over fear and uncertainty. He was asleep in minutes, but she stayed awake and watched him, wishing she could have met the man who made him into this person she simply couldn’t live without.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I still don't own any of the characters of The Office, but I am thrilled they will be returning to our TV sets soon! I also do not own the beautiful song by Joshua Radin, but I've listened to it enough that I feel like I do!
Chapter End Notes:
Next up: Lucky You
