“You own me,
There’s nothing you can do.
You own me,
You own me,
Lucky you.”
- “Lucky You,” The National
Sometimes he felt like there were three people in this relationship: him, Pam, and the ghost of Roy. He couldn’t blame her, exactly. She spent a decade with one man, and he left scars and bruises that were always going to hurt. He knew before it even started that Roy would never be completely gone, no matter how much he wished him away. It didn’t interfere with their lives so much as it just hurt. From the day they met, he’d always felt connected to her, and her pain was his pain, period. So when he did something sweet for her and it left her in tears, he felt a knife twisting in hus gut. When he complimented her and she seemed amazed, he wanted to erase a decade. When he remembered milestones and anniversaries, she would tell him about how many things Roy forgot until he was almost murderous. He hated it, hated that she had these painful memories, hated that she was surprised by being treated right.
At the beginning, however, Roy himself wasn’t really a problem. An annoyance, maybe, but never really a problem. They dealt with bad moments from the past and moved on. But at the beginning, Roy didn’t know about them. They kept their relationship quiet for a lot of reasons, especially Michael’s tendency to humiliate people with personal information. But Roy was a big part of it as well. Jim was honestly a little afraid of him, and though he would gladly take a punch or twelve for Pam, he’d just assume avoid the confrontation if at all possible. He had a feeling Roy was the kind of guy who wouldn’t take that particular news well. And there was really no need to rub it in his face anyway. Yeah, there was a part of Jim that wanted Roy to suffer for all the times he hurt Pam, but he knew it wouldn’t really be that satisfying. They were deliriously happy together, and that was really all he could ever ask for. Roy didn’t need to know anything about it.
Things changed after his dad’s death. Everyone knew they were close, but when Pam took time off to be with him during his bereavement leave, it became obvious to everyone they were more than just best friends. When they came back to work, they quit trying to hide that they were a couple. And it didn’t take long for news of their relationship to trickle down to the warehouse. Hours later, Jim was nursing a black eye, a split lip, and a painfully bruised right side.
“So I’ll pick you up at your place in an hour,” Jim said as she unlocked her car. Work had been harder for him to handle since his dad died, and they were going out for a nice quiet dinner to unwind after a chaotic week. Pam insisted on going home to change first, so they unfortunately had to part in the parking lot.
“I can’t wait,” she smiled happily.
“You don’t have to, you know. Everyone knows now. We don’t have to keep up the pretense anymore. We could-”
“Halpert!” an angry voice yelled from across the parking lot, interrupting their playful flirtation.
“Oh my God, Roy,” she breathed in horror.
“Go,” Jim demanded urgently, wanting her far away from this. “Pam, get in the car!” he insisted as Roy came closer and she remained frozen.
But Pam wouldn’t hear it. “Roy,” she said firmly, holding up her hands in an effort to calm him down. “Don’t do this. You don’t need to do this.”
“The hell I don’t!” he shouted furiously, and Jim realised he would not be escaping this unscathed. And he was okay with that, as long as Pam didn’t get hurt in the process. “What the hell, Halpert?”
“Roy, let’s talk about this,” he suggested, moving away from Pam and making sure Roy did the same. “I know you’re mad, but don’t do something you’re going to regret.” He was proud of himself for sounding so rational and in-control when it was obvious this guy could tear him apart, but apparently, Roy didn’t share the sentiment. Before Jim could even react, he was stumbling backward from a blow to the face, and Roy took advantage of the opportunity to punch him again in the ribs.
“Roy!” Pam screamed in terror. “Stop it!”
“Pam,” Jim tried again, holding his side awkwardly and pleading with her with his eyes. He knew Roy didn’t want to hurt her, but if she got caught in the middle of this, he had no doubt she would anyway.
“So how long was she cheating on me?” Roy demanded before Jim could finish his plea.
“She never cheated on you, man,” he managed as he blocked an oncoming blow. “Nothing happened until after-”
Roy quickly and effectively silenced him with a second shot to the face, and Jim crazily wondered if he would still be taking Pam out to dinner tonight.
“Roy, stop it,” Pam begged, the tears in her voice obvious. Roy turned to face her, and though he knew this wasn’t a fight he could win, Jim was determined to spare just a little dignity and got in one good punch to Roy’s stomach. The other man grunted in pain and retaliated with another blow to the ribs. Pam was full-on crying now, but before Jim could do anything about it, Roy was suddenly on the ground screaming in pain. Something in the air made Jim choke, and when he managed to look up, he realised Dwight was the one who ended the fight with a hefty spary of Mace.
“Ah, Jesus,” Roy cursed, and Jim staggered away so he could breathe again. A few of the warehouse guys hurried close behind to gather Roy, and Jim crouched down on his knee to attempt to recover. Everything hurt, and he tasted blood, but at least he was still alive.
“Dwight, what the…where did you get Mace?”
“It’s a standard safety precaution. I keep a variety of weapons strategically placed in case of an emergency.”
“Wow. Okay. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to keep weapons in the office, but…thanks.”
Dwight just rolled his eyes and huffed at this. “I was doing what any good citizen would do to stop an assault.”
Jim really didn’t know the appropriate response to this, so he just nodded and watched Dwight walk away like nothing happened. As soon as they were alone again, Pam rushed to his side and dropped down before him. “Oh my God,” she breathed, mournfully inspecting the rather pitiful condition of his face.
“I’m alright,” he assured her, though his head hurt and his ribs were screaming.
“No, you’re not,” she cried quietly. “Oh Jim, I’m so-”
“Don’t,” he shook his head sternly. “Don’t apologise for him. Its not your fault.”
Pam ended up driving him home that evening and didn’t stop fretting for the rest of the night. They ordered a pizza, but she barely touched it, too busy keeping ice on his eye so it didn’t swell anymore and constantly checking his bruised ribs. Despite his insistence that it was nothing, she tried to convince him to go to the hospital and refused to let him move from his spot on the couch. Though it was nice to be pampered, he would gladly give it up to wipe the look of guilt and misery off her face. He was in a considerable amount of paint, but he had a feeling it was nothing compared to the punishment she was inflicting on herself. She ahd no reason to feel responsible for Roy’s actions, but it was her ex-boyfriend who gave him this nice variety of bruises. There was nothing he could say or do to convince her to just let it go, so he let her fuss and worry and tried to act like he wasn’t hurting.
When they went back to work on Monday, they had the unpleasant task of writing up a report for Toby. An assault of a fellow employee on company property Roy no longer had a job, so there was an overwhelming amount of paperwork to fill out. It wasn’t until that morning that it even crossed Jim’s mind to be angry at her for absolutely anything about this situation. But when he glanced over and saw her looking positively sick about signing the papers, he was suddenly and irrationally furious. Roy attacked him for no good reason, and she should be more than happy to play a part in his firing. Why should she feel guilty for making him accountable for his behaviour? That day in the break room, they had their first serious fight as a couple.
A few days later, Roy showed up with his parole office to apologise to Jim. He really didn’t want to hear it, and he doubted Roy was all that sincere about his remorse, but for Pam’s sake, he tried to at least be polite about it. He was trying to understand how it felt for her to someone someone she had cared about in such a downward spiral, and despite a few bruises, Jim’s life was going conisderably better. He got the girl Roy lost, and truthfully, that would probably make him insane as well. So he shook hands with Roy, wished him good luck, and hoped it was the last time either of them would ever have to deal with him.
Roy apparently didn’t know how to quit while he was ahead. He should have walked out the door and never looked back, but instead, he had the nerve to stop by reception and ask Pam to get a cup of coffee with him. Jim expected her to flat out reject him, but instead, she quietly agreed.
They didn’t speak for the rest of the day.
“Jim, try to understand,” she pleaded with him as they sat down with the Chinese takeout she brought over as a peace offering.
“I do understand. That’s the problem,” he retorted angrily. She was here now, trying to reconcile, and that should mean something to him, but he couldn’t get the image of her leaving with Roy out of his head. “Do you understand, Pam?” he asked her. “Do you know how humiliating…and hurtful that was to me? For everyone to see you leaving with him?”
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” she answered evenly. “But I’m not going to live my life worrying about what everyone else thinks, and you shouldn’t, either.”
“That’s not what it’s about. You should have considered me, Pam.”
“I’m sorry, I was under the impression I was dating Jim now, not Roy. I didn’t realise I was supposed to consult you about everything I do.”
For the first time in their relationship – and probably ever – he could barely stand the sight of her. “I’m not doing this tonight,” he shook his head gravely. “I have never tried to control you, and I thought you might be a little more sensitive to how it makes me feel to see you leave with him. Do you have any idea how many times I had to do that?” he asked rhetorically. He shook his head again to clear away the dark memories and then pushed his plate away, no longer hungry. “I think you should just go. I’m not really in the mood for dinner now.”
Her fac fell as she realised hust how far she pushed him. They hadn’t fought often, and when they did, it was so trivial it was laughable. This recent series of fights about Roy were the only times yelling had been involved, and this was the first time he ever wanted her to leave. “Jim,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“Doesn’t seem like it.”
“I am,” she insisted. “I shouldn’t have….that was uncalled for. You know I don’t think you’re anything like him.”
“You still left with him, Pam. After he beat me up. He attacked me, if you’ve forgotten that. How could you go anywhere with him?” he asked miserably, not trying to hide his hurt and frustration. He would never have been okay with her seeing Roy, but he might have been able to tolerate it before the incident in the parking lot. Now it was just insulting, like she didn’t care what happened. Even though he knew that wasn’t true, a part of him just needed to hear her say she could never forgive Roy for hurting him.
“I think you’re getting the wrong idea about this,” she said quietly. “I could kill him for what he did to you. He deserved everything that’s happened, and I don’t feel bad about it, but it’s hard for me to be in the middle. The only reason I agreed to have cofee with him is because I need this finished.”
“I thought it was finished when you started dating me,” he retorted.
“Jim,” she sighed, obviously trying hard to remain patient.
“Explain it to me, Pam. Explain to me why you needed to be alone with him and didn’t even bother to ask me how I felt about it.”
“There were things I needed to say to him that I couldn’t say in front of the whole office!” she exclaimed. “And I’m sorry if you thought I was forgiving him or trying to…I don’t know…but I wasn’t. I told him it was done and he couldn’t expect me to be sympathetic after he beat you up. That’s it, Jim,” she said seriously. “I told him I’m happy and he needs to leave me alone. I just….I thought after ten years we needed a little
closure.”
He felt himself softening a little bit with her reasoning, but he still felt the sting of her wounded pride. “And that’s it?” he asked quietly.
“Of course that’s it,” she nodded. “I love you and I want this to work,” she said with unwonted earnesty. “I want to know he won’t try anything again.”
“I just…I’m never going to be okay with him,” he admitted, feeling the last of his anger ebb away, replaced by weariness and heavy memories.
“I know,” she acknowledged, reaching across the table to take his hand. “I would never ask you to be. I’m sorry I didn’t make it clear why I agreed to talk to him.”
“I’m sorry I overreacted,” he brought himself to apologise.
“Are we okay now?” she asked itmidly.
“Yeah,” he nodded slowly. “We’re okay.”
And they had been. For a long time, everything was wonderful again. They spent the rest of the evening making up, and after that, things returned to normal. For a while it seemed like Roy and all the unpleasant memories that came with him were in the past. Closure did Pam some good, and she was really starting to put that phase of her life behind her. The internship was coming to a close, and she really loved doing graphic design. So much, in fact, that she decided to take some classes when the internship was up. He couldn’t be more proud of her, and his pride encouraged her growth. She was no longer meek little Pammy, and the bold new Beesly turned out to be even more amazing than he imagined.
They had just moved in together when Roy came crashing back into their lives. They had heard through the grapevine that his luck hadn’t improved, but they made it a point to stay away from the gossip whenever they could. Still, it was impossible not to hear about it, so they knew more than they wanted about his inability to hold down a job. His drinking had gotten out of control in Pam’s asence, and it was taking a toll on his life. His mother called once, begging Pam to talk to him, but she calmly explained that she really couldn’t be a part of that anymore.
Everything changed a week ago. The strict no-contact policy ended when Roy was arrested. He hit another car while driving drunk, and though he was lucky no one was seriously hurt in the accident, he was in a lot of trouble. He called Pam that night from jail, sobbing and begging for help and claiming there was no one else to call. Even Jim had to admit the other man’s descent was terrible to watch, so he forced himself to be the bigger man and volunteered to drive her down to the jail to talk to him. He didn’t mind her helping out in a crisis, and he had absolutely no reason not to trust her, but he did want Roy to see that she moved on, that they were happy together, that he needed to pick himself up and try to figure out a life without her. Pam appreciated the gesture, and she very calmly and very explicitly spelled out how much they were willing to help.
All of that was fine and good. Jim called a lawyer he knew, and Pam agreed to call Roy’s mom to explain what happened. When they left that night, Pam sighed heavily and laid her head against his arm. She cuddled closer than usual that night, and her whispered “I love you” begged for his comfort. He gladly gave it, and they fell into an exhausted sleep all wrapped up in another.
Then the phone calls started. Roy was desperate and begging for her help. It was sad and pitiful and messy, and Jim could tell she was torn between compassion and frustration. So the first time she agreed to meet up with him, he didn’t protest. The second time, he was a little annoyed. Roy needed a friend, that much was certain, but why did it need to be Pam? She had a happy and full life that no longer included her ex-fiancé, and Roy needed to realise that and let go. Still, he was trying to be unfailingly supportive and prove that he wasn’t insecure about anything anymore, so he didn’t say anything. When she left an hour ago, however, climbing out of their bed at 2 AM to go to Roy’s aide, he lost his carefully constructed grasp on control. He thought he’d been very mature and understanding about the whole situation thus far, but there was only so much a guy could handle of his girlfriend’s ex. He told her as much, but the words hadn’t come out quite so nice. In fact, some of them were downright cruel. Now he wasn’t sure where she was and if she was returning tonight, and he was miserable.
He laid awake staring at the ceiling for another hour, playing back the fight in his head and hoping to hear her key in the door. He knew there would be more yelling and harsh words when they faced each other again, but even that would be better than laying here wondering where she was and if she was coming home. It struck him how incredibly jealous he was acting when he’d always been the cool, laid-back guy, but that’s what she did to him. The thought of losing her, no matter how unlikely, made him crazy. And if this was another friend who just so happened to be a guy, he probably wouldn’t have an issue with it at all. But this was Roy. This was the guy Jim hated for years. This was the guy he had to watch her with while he sat on the sidelines and prayed she would come to her senses. Sometimes he just lost all sense of reality when it came to Roy Anderson simply because he’d been jealous of him since the day he found out she was engaged.
It was just after 3:30 when she quietly slipped in the front door. He braced himself, ready for the screaming, but instead he heard the soft buzz of the television, followed by the unmistakable sound of crying. Great, now he was going to have to forget about his own issues for a few minutes and worry about her instead. He really wanted to be an asshole right now and make her feel bad for torturing him like this, but he was helpless in the face of Pam Beesly’s tears. “Pam?” he asked as he shuffled out to the living room and found her clutching a pillow to her chest.
“Hey,” she sniffled, surprised at being caught. “I thought you’d be asleep.”
“And miss Round Two of Beesly vs. Halpert?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. He really shouldn’t be making jokes right now, but God help him, she was crying and he needed her to stop. “The first round was really exciting. And I hear he came up with some really witty remarks while she was gone.”
“Yeah, and I hear she has a few of her own cutting comparisons to Roy for him.”
“Ouch, really? She’s going to go for the extra point? Bold,” he nodded in feigned appreciation.
“Yeah, it’s supposed to be a really entertaining show.”
“Now how could I miss that?”
She wiped at her eyes, trying to clear away the tears, and he decided it was time to drop the joke. He grabbed a box of tissues off the end table and silently sank down onto the couch next to her. “Are you going to talk to me or are you just going to yell at me some more?” she asked as she accepted a few tissues and wiped again at her tear-streaked face. Her eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks splotchy, so he knew she started crying long before making it back to their apartment.
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I guess I haven’t quite decided yet.”
“Where the hell did that come from, Jim? I’ve never heard you that angry with me before,” she shook her head.
“Where did it come from?” he asked incredulously. “Pam, it was two in the morning. Your ex-fiancé called you in the middle of the night, and you had no qualms leaving to go comfort him. How would you feel if one of my ex-girlfriends called me in the wee hours of the morning?”
“Pretty awful,” she admitted. “But he wasn’t just a boyfriend, Jim. I was with him for ten years. I’ve known him-”
“Exactly,” he said meaningfully. “He’s not just an ex-boyfriend. It was a lot more serious than that, and it’s hard enough trying to forget about him without him calling you every other day now.”
“Okay, I can see why it bothers you,” she conceded. “But I guess I’m confused because you’ve been so supportive about this. I would understand if you had gotten upset the first time he called, but you were…amazing. I thought you were over it and everything was fine, or I never would have gone to meet him in the first place. It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde tonight.”
“I thought I was getting points for being mature about it,” he admitted, just a little embarrassed to confess his ulterior motives for being so understanding about the first two times Roy called. “You have to know it bothers me, Pam.”
“How?” she asked incredulously. “How can I know that if you act like everything is fine?”
She had a point. “Because,” he answered lamely, wanting to smack himself in the face as soon as the word slipped out.
“That’s helpful, Jim,” she said wryly.
“Come on, you know how I feel about him.”
“Of course I do, but I thought you were getting over it. I know you’ll never like him, but I thought you were done being jealous of him since there’s absolutely nothing to be jealous of. Do you really think any of this is going to change anything between you and me?”
“No,” he confessed, staring down at the floor and wondering when exactly she got the upper hand here. “I just…I thought we would help him out and then things would go back to normal. I didn’t expect him to keep calling…or for you to just go in the middle of the night.”
Pam sighed in exhaustion and frustration and dropped her head back against the couch. She clenched her eyes shut, but a few tears still managed to leak out from beneath her closed lids. “I don’t know, Jim,” she shook her head after a moment. “I don’t know how to deal with this anymore.”
His stomach did a painful flip-flop as his heart rate picked up just a little. “What?”
he asked nervously. “What do you mean? You mean…us?”
“No,” she assured him quickly. “No, not us, just….us and him.”
“I don’t understand.”
She slowly raised her head again and turned to face him. “I feel responsible, Jim,” she confessed. “I feel responsible, and it sucks.”
“Responsible? For what?” he asked in confusion, reaching over to take her hand. “For him?”
“Well, I am in a way, aren’t I? I mean, it’s my life and I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing what makes me happy, but it’s just so hard to sit back and watch him destroying his life without feeling like it’s my fault. I did this to him. And I know he’s responsible for his own choices, and I know I didn’t make him do any of these stupid things he’s done, but it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t broken up with him.”
“Pam,” he breathed, a wave of sadness washing over him as he realised just how terrible this all made her feel.
“It’s stupid, I guess,” she shook her head. “I want to move on as much as you do, but it’s almost like I feel bad for being so happy while his life is falling apart.”
He squeezed her hand and took a deep breath as he carefully considered the right words to say to her. He was slowly beginning to understand how conflicted she was, how conflicted she must feel trying to do the right thing and live her own life at the same time, and it made his own personal issues with Roy seem a little more petty. “I’m sorry,” he found himself apologising.
“For what?” she asked in surprise.
“For…lots of yelling.”
“I get it, Jim,” she sighed wearily. “I just wasn’t expecting it.”
“Me either. I’ve never been like this before. This jealous. And it’s not that I don’t trust you…you know I do,” he said seriously. “But sometimes I can’t think straight when it comes to you. The thought of not having this…having you…I lose it,” he shrugged. “You own me, Pam. You own me, completely. And there’s nothing you can do about it, so lucky you, huh?” he laughed shortly.
But she didn’t laugh. Instead, she slipped her arm around his and laid her head on his shoulder. “Yeah,” she agreed, though there was no irony in her tone. “Lucky me.”
They sat like that for a few minutes, feeling each other, allowing their emotions to calm and relax, letting the tension flood away. “He drove you away, Pam,” he finally spoke up again. “Maybe you were never right for each other, but there was something there once or you wouldn’t have been with him. He let it happen. He didn’t just wake up one day and you were gone. I’m not saying that because I think it’s wrong for you to want to help him, but you shouldn’t feel like the bad guy. Roy let it slip away.”
“I don’t want to talk about Roy anymore,” she shook her head, sliding her hand up his arm and forcing him to turn to face her again. There were still tears glimmering in her eyes, but there was also love and a need he could never ignore.
“We probably need to talk about it sometime,” he answered, though it sounded weak even to his own ears.
“Yeah,” she agreed, rising from the couch and taking his hand. “But not tonight.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
No copyright infringment intended. I own nothing! This chapter's song is "Lucky You" by The National (if you haven't figured it out, I'm a big fan). Actually a very bitter song, but beautiful anyway.
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it! Coming up in the final chapter: Anyone Else But You.
