Pam sat stiffly in her chair staring at the screen of her computer. She couldn’t believe that he had e-mailed her. Somewhere in the deepest part of herself she had hoped that he might try to contact her, but she had never thought he would. I mean why should he. He had Karen. Karen had made her feelings known. He had moved on or at least that’s what she had thought. But she was sure that there was a tone in the e-mail…a hidden meaning underneath the words that on the surface seemed so simple. He was obviously hurt by the fact that she hadn’t said goodbye. Was he mad? Was this his way of closure? She had done so well for a couple of days. She hadn’t had time to stop and breathe let alone think about him. The decision to come to New York had happened so quickly that she didn’t even think of the repercussions it would have on those she left…especially him. But now her mind was flooded with questions. She read the e-mail about half a dozen times before finally closing it. As she read it over and over again she began to feel frustrated. He was right. She hadn’t said goodbye, but neither had he. On that night when he had laid it all out on the line she hadn’t been able to say yes. She had wanted too, but it wasn’t easy for her to erase 10 years of her life. She had, at one point, been in love with Roy and she knew that she at least owed him the courtesy of being honest. She had wanted to say yes to Jim that night. She was going to say yes, but then he was gone. He had left without a goodbye. She had come into work the following week to an empty desk and an empty heart. Why should she give him that same courtesy that he had denied her. She needed to clear her head. She grabbed her sketch book and wandered out onto the balcony. The sky was slowly fading from orange…to deep red…to black. Pam felt as if it was almost as though the sky was a reflection of the innumerable emotions that she had running through her. She was finally doing something for herself. This whole internship wasn’t for Roy, or her parents or even for Jim. This was all for her. But every time she seemed to reach a point where she actually felt that this was a good choice for her to make, something brought her back…pulling her into the dark loneliness that she had felt so deeply for the past months.

She flipped open her sketch book. When she had been with Roy the only way that she had been able to reveal her deepest emotions was through drawing. She carefully paused over the different sketches in the book. There was the picture of her standing outside a door looking in on a man and a woman hugging. She had drawn this on the night that Roy had set the date on the Booze Cruise. She had felt so guilty for not feeling happy that Roy had finally chosen a date. She knew that she should be ecstatic. She had been really good at pretending that she was, but inside she felt that she was just watching from the sidelines. Almost like watching a movie of what she should be doing, when in reality she wasn’t feeling anything. Next there was small black and white sketch of a wilted flower. The night after Jim’s confession she had gone home, but she couldn’t go inside. She didn’t want to face the life that she had destined herself for. She had spent several hours sitting outside on the front step. Next to the front steps was a small pot that she had planted some daises in. She had tried so hard to keep them alive, carefully watering them and making sure they had the right exposure to the sun. But now as she carefully picked up the pot she noticed that they were dead, wilted away. She was struck by how similar she felt, struggling to survive in an artificial world but slowly dying on the inside, becoming nothing but a shell of who she once was. She really didn't even know herself anymore. Feeling Jim’s hands slip out of her grasp had been one of the worst feelings of her life. She had wanted so badly to cling to them…to not let him walk away, but she hadn’t been able to hold on. She had let him go and she felt as if something inside of her had left with him.

Pam felt her eyes fill with tears, but it wasn’t until she finally turned to the next sketch in the book that she let them fall. The last sketch she had done early in the morning the day after he had returned to Scranton. That day was supposed to hold so many promises and views of a new beginning, but instead she had cried herself to sleep in the dark of her bedroom. She had woke up early, her eyes red and heavy. It was all she could do to keep from falling apart. She had pulled out the sketchbook and opened to a clean page. It was then, sitting up against the wall in the corner of her bedroom that she tried to let it all out. Her pencil flew furiously across the page trying to keep up with the emotions that were spilling out of her eyes. When she had finished she lightly ran her hand across the drawing…a desk, empty and forgotten. He might have come back to Scranton, but he was no longer there as her accomplice, confidant, best friend and the man, she had realized too late, that she was in love with. That part of her life was gone.

Pam slowly closed the sketch book and hugged it to her chest while tears streamed silently down her cheeks. She loved what she was doing in New York, but she really missed him.

“Pam?” Natalee’s voice startled Pam out of her thoughts.

“Oh…hey.” Pam said quickly wiping her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Natalee said quickly walking out onto the balcony and pulling the other chair up closer to Pam.

“Oh…it’s nothing.” Pam said with a sniffle.

“Oh please…I don’t buy that for one second.” Natalee paused. “What’s his name?”

Pam managed a small laugh. “How did you know?”

Natalee stood up. “I think it’s time for some major girl bonding. You go put on your pajamas and I will order some food. Chinese okay?”

Pam smiled as she followed Natalee inside. “That sounds perfect!” she said. She went in to her room and placed the sketch book on her book shelf. Her fingers lingered on it as she gave one last thought to the memories inside. Then she went and joined Natalee in the living room.

Jim pulled into Karen’s apartment complex shortly before 7:00. He had decided that he couldn’t sit around wondering if Pam had e-mailed him back or not, so he called Karen and asked if he could come over to talk. She reluctantly agreed. He told her he’d stop and pick up some food and be on his way, but now he sat out in front of her apartment unable to work up the energy to go inside. He rested his hands on the steering wheel and let out a big sigh. Finally he opened the car door, grabbed the box of pizza and made his way up to her front door.

“Hey.” she said shortly when she opened the door.

“Peace offering?” he asked with a small smile holding out the pizza.

After a long moment Karen asked, “Green peppers and mushrooms?”

“Of course.” Jim said.

“Well come on in then.” she said stepping aside so he could come in.

To Jim’s surprise Karen didn’t dive right into the deep, talk about your feelings, conversation he thought they were going to have. Instead they sat on the floor of her living room eating pizza and watching some old movie on TV. Just when he had finally begun to relax a little it happened.

“Jim…we need to talk.” Karen said wiping her hands on a napkin and clicking off the TV.

Jim cleared his throat. He knew that this was inevitable, but he really didn’t want to do this. Not now…actually not ever. He had a feeling that this talk was just a glimpse into the future of his relationship with Karen. Lots and lots of long talks. Since that night with Pam he had done a very good job of keep his feelings locked up tightly and he knew that anything he said to Karen wasn’t going to be the whole truth because he wasn’t willing to open up that wound yet.

“Ok….” Jim said meekly.

Leave it Karen to get right to the point, Jim thought.

“Jim?” Karen asked impatiently. Jim began to feel annoyed. She wouldn’t even let him talk.

“Ok…” Jim began. “The truth is that I have been feeling a little weird since Pam left.”

“Pam? The receptionist?” Karen asked confused. “Why?”

Jim went on to explain that he and Pam used to be really good friends and that it had kind of bothered him that Pam had moved without telling anyone in the office. He could tell that Karen didn’t really buy his story. She always looking for something more.

“Hmmm…” she said. He braced himself waiting for the unavoidable question that would follow. But it didn’t come. Instead Karen just looked him square in the eyes and said, “Look Jim. I moved here…from Connecticut…..” There was a long pause and Jim knew that was his cue to fill it.

The ache that had been inside of him since Pam left deepened as he looked at Karen and said, “I’m really glad that you’re here.” That seemed to be enough. Karen gave him a small smile and then wrapped her arms around his neck. As he hugged her the guilt was almost overwhelming. He wasn’t this guy. He wasn’t the guy that would use another person as a protection. He did like Karen. She was great. But as she cuddled up against him his mind…and his heart were somewhere else.

“Ok!” Natalee said. “Mud masks come off in 10 minutes.”

Pam stretched her freshly painted toes out in front of her. She couldn’t remember the last time she had had a “girls night”. Her weekends were usually spent with Roy and his brother up at the lake. At first she didn’t mind. She loved going to the lake. She liked boating and riding jet skis and she was always able to get some good drawing in when Roy finally passed out on the beach for his mid-day drunken nap. Natalee though was the epitome of a “girly girl” and she knew just what to do. She wasn’t like any girl that Pam had met before. When she had been in high school she was surrounded by the fake, girly cheerleaders that would throw themselves at Roy and the other football players. Pam had never really liked those girls. But Natalee was different. She was smart, cool, sophisticated and genuine.

“That would be great! I need an update to my wardrobe!” Pam said taking another bite of her kung pao chicken.

“Alright…I can’t wait any longer.” Natalee said. “It’s time to spill…”

“Oh….it‘s nothing really. Not a big deal.” Pam asked nervously.

“Wow…” Natalee said.

“Yeah, except I told him that I couldn’t…couldn’t be with him.” Tears began to fill Pam’s eyes. “I told him that…and he left. It was about 5 seconds after he left that I realized that I felt the same way…but it was too late. He moved away, transferred to another branch. Anyways, that branch got shut down and he ended up moving back to Scranton…with his girlfriend.”

“Oh Pam. I am so sorry. That totally sucks” Natalee said sympathetically.

“Yeah…I wanted to tell him…you know…that I called off the wedding. But then so much time passed with no contact and I began to dread the day that he would realize that I was just I was just Pam, a lowly receptionist and wannabe artist. He would realize that he could have someone in his life that would be better for him. I was afraid he would figure out that his crush was just an infatuation and it didn't mean as much to him as it did and still does to me.” Pam was immediately embarrassed that she had said too much.

“Well did you ever tell him about your feelings?” Natalee asked.

“Why not?” Natalee asked, then quickly added, “I’m sorry….I don’t mean to pry. I shouldn’t have asked that.”

Pam hesitated at first, she had never talked to anybody about this before, but then she realized she had nothing to lose. “No...it's okay. It's just....my whole life I have been this quiet, shy person that has always just played it safe. I mean when Roy...my ex-fiancé asked me out...back in high school I thought it was a joke. But then years went by and he was still there. He was all I knew and at first that was okay. Then Jim came along and he was smart and nice and funny....and he made me feel like there was more out there for me. But I couldn't turn my back on Roy...on all the time we had together.”

“I understand.” Natalee said. “It must have been really hard to leave something so familiar.”

“Well he’s one of the reasons. I realized that if I wasn’t happy with me it wasn’t going to make a difference if Jim was there or not. He always encouraged this…the art thing, but I was always too afraid.”

“Thanks…” Pam smiled. There was a long pause as they tried to focus on the movie.

“And hey…” Natalee said. “When your ready to try the whole dating thing again I am sure that Aidan has some friends that he could set you up with.”

Pam was confused. “Who’s Aidan?”

“Oh! Sorry! Aidan is my boyfriend. He works as a PR rep for GAP.” Natalee stopped suddenly, “Oh my gosh Pam. Here I am talking about my boyfriend when you’re…”

“It’s okay.” Pam cut in. “Really! How long have you been together?”

“That’s great!” Pam said, taking another bite of chicken. “So when do I get to meet him?”

“I know! I can’t believe it. Jim would be….” Pam stopped short.

“Oh no!” Natalee said. “This is for Pam!!”

Pam laughed, feeling happier than she had in a long time. “Thanks Natalee. This helped a lot.”

Jim had gotten back from Karen’s around 1:00 AM and had immediately collapsed into bed. He woke up to the sun glaring in his eyes. He groaned and rolled over to look at the clock…11:30. He felt like he had been hit by a truck. He pulled the pillow over his eyes and tried to go back to sleep, but it was useless. He had told himself that he wasn’t going to check his e-mail until 5:00. As dumb as it sounded he thought it might be easier to put a restriction on his e-mail checking so he wouldn’t drive himself crazy. Unfortunately, that didn’t work. He pulled himself out of bed and into his desk chair. While he waited for his computer to boot up he ran his hand through his unruly hair. What was he going to do if she hadn’t e-mailed him back. Maybe her leaving was her way of saying goodbye…forever. He held his breath as he opened his e-mail. No new messages. He had tried to prepare himself for this, but he still felt like he had been punched in the gut. He yanked open his bedroom door and stomped downstairs. He poured himself a bowl of cereal and sat down at the kitchen table. No sooner had he put a spoonful of cornflakes into his mouth than he heard a knock at the door. “Ugh….” Jim thought slowly standing up. He kicked himself for wishing that it wasn’t Karen. He opened the door to find his older brother Jake smiling back at him.

“Dude…you look like crap.” Jake said pushing past Jim into the house.

“Thank you…and come on in.” Jim shut the door.

“Don’t tell me you just got up.” Jake said falling on the couch.

“Didn’t realize you were my mother.” Jim said.

“Geez….since when did you become such an ass?” Jake said throwing a pillow at him.

“Nothing…I….I don’t know.” Jim said stretching his legs out it front of him.

“Well....do you want to talk about it?” Jake asked.

“Pam moved….” Jim mumbled slumping farther in his chair.

“Have you been treating her the way you treated me when I came in today? I'd leave your ass if you were like this all the time.”

Jim thought about that for awhile before answering. “I guess I have....but I'm seeing someone else.”

“You may be seeing....what's her name….” Jake started

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Jim asked, even though he was pretty sure he knew the answer.

“That’s not true…” Jim said, but he knew it was a weak argument…because it was true.

“Maybe this is a good thing, Pam leaving.”

There was silence between the two for a few minutes before Jim said, “I e-mailed her.”

Jim was silent.

“Well maybe she'll email you back and you can run into each others' arms and make-out and everything will be great.“ Jake stood up. “Can I have a beer?”

“Wow....you aren't too good at the segway are you?” Jim said with a laugh.

As Jake walked into the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge Jim asked, “What if she never comes back?”

“Do you really love her?” Jake asked handing Jim a beer.

Jim hadn’t actually thought of that point. “Well how the hell do you think I felt for 4 years watching her with that jackass of a fiancé? He never deserved her.”

Jim was silent. He couldn’t even think of anything to say. The fact that Pam might have felt even half of the anguish he had felt for the past 4 years made him hurt even more.

Jim sighed. “I don’t know….”

“Fine…” Jim said standing up. “But I might be an ass the whole time.”

“Yup…I am a regular Matt Foley…living in a van down by the river.” Jake yelled as Jim made his way up the stairs to his room.

“You ready?” Natalee asked knocking on Pam’s door.

Pam finished tying her shoe and then glanced at herself in the mirror. Her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail and the green sweater she had on made her eyes stand out.

“Yup!” Pam said opening the door. “Let’s go.”

They made their way down to the lobby and Natalee hailed a cab. “Let’s go to Bloomingdales first, then Macy‘s, and then Banana Republic.” Natalee suggested.

“Fine with me…you lead the way.” Pam said. This was her first weekend in New York and she was excited to see this view of the city.

Pam wasn’t usually a shopper. When she did buy new clothes she knew exactly what she was looking for and it took her no time at all. Roy always bragged about how he had found the only girl in the world that didn’t drag her boyfriend out shopping. Pam had decided that this was going to be different. She was going to treat herself to a new wardrobe and she was going to have fun doing it.

When they finally collapsed into a cab several hours later Pam couldn’t believe all the clothes she had bought. She had several new tops, a few pairs of pants, some skirts and a couple of dresses and even some new shoes. She was exhausted. She had never shopped this much in her life.

“Want to stop and get some lunch?” Natalee asked.

“Sure! I’m starving. Who would have thought that shopping could be such a workout!” Pam laughed.

“Tell me about it!” Natalee said as her cell phone began to ring.

Pam gazed out the window at the city passing by, while Natalee talked on the phone. She could see the Statue of Liberty in the distance and made a mental note that one weekend she was going to have to go see it up close.

Pam and Natalee had lunch at a small café around the corner from their apartment.

“So is 8:00 okay for dinner?” Natalee asked taking a sip of her water.

“Oh…yeah…that’s fine. But are you sure you don’t want some time with Aidan?” Pam asked. She was excited about meeting Natalee’s boyfriend, but she didn’t want to be the third wheel.

“Well then I’ll go!” Pam smiled.

Once they had finally lugged all of their shopping bags up to their apartment Natalee went to take a nap and Pam sat down at her computer. Even though she had a great time shopping and seeing a little bit of the city, Jim’s e-mail had always been in the back of her mind. She had debating about even writing him back or not, but then she decided that she had to at least acknowledge him taking a step. She opened an new e-mail, but then just sat there blankly staring at the screen. She didn’t even know what to say. She knew that if she wasn’t careful she’d end up confessing all of her feelings and she wasn’t ready to do that, especially not over e-mail.

Why was this so hard. After all they had been best friends. She should be able to send him a friendly e-mail.

Pam stopped typing. Jim had acknowledged the rift that had begun to form between them and she was torn how much to write about it for fear that she would get going and wouldn’t be able to stop.

She quickly checked it over for spelling errors and then hit send without giving herself too much time to think it over.

Around six Pam decided to get dressed for dinner. She quickly showered and put some mousse in her hair. Then she went into her room and began rifling through her new clothes. She had bought a red turtleneck dress with long sleeves and a wide black belt. She had also bought some black leggings and some great black boots. It was a far cry from the skirts and cardigans. She put the outfit on and looked at herself in the mirror. She couldn’t believe that she was the same person. She quickly diffused her hair and put on some makeup. Then she slipped on the boots. They came up almost to her knee and she knew that her feet would be killing her by the end of the night, but she really wanted to look great.

She went out and waited on the couch for Natalee.

“Wow! That dress is great!” Natalee said coming out of her bedroom.

‘Thanks! I think you made a good choice!” Pam said grabbing her coat and purse.

They took a cab to the restaurant. Pam was feeling a little self conscious, especially walking in the boots. When they walked inside Natalee scanned the room.

“There they are!” she said pointing. Pam followed Natalee to a table in the corner. A tall man with dark hair hurried over to greet them. Natalee threw her arms around his neck and gave him a kiss. Then she turned to Pam.

“Hi Pam. It’s great to meet you!” Aidan said warmly.

“Pam…this is my brother Carter…his girlfriend Marie and her sister Sarah.” Natalee said introducing the rest of the table.

“It’s nice to meet you all.” Pam said. She was normally very shy in situations like this, but she was determined to get the most out of her experience. She had a feeling this was going to be a great night.