This is my first posting (and first fanfic, for that matter)! Hope you all enjoy. Comments/reviews are most welcome!
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
The truth was, she felt haunted. She wasn’t usually that dramatic – Kelly was the drama queen, not Pam– but “haunted” was probably the best word. At first it had been the memory of his kiss. Just the thought of it still made her stomach drop, her palms sweat, a blush rise to her cheeks. His mouth had been so soft, so gentle, but there was passion behind it, like a current beneath calm waters. He had wrapped his arms all the way around her and pulled her whole body against his and she remembered how lean and strong he felt.
She tried to remember what she had planned on saying to him. She had started with “Listen, Jim,” some kind of excuse or explanation at the ready, as always. But then he kissed her and erased all thoughts, all excuses. Halpert-induced amnesia. His mouth pressed against hers, their breath mingling, tasting each other for the first time. Her “Listen, Jim” was lost somewhere in their kiss.
She knew instantly that what she was doing was wrong, felt the tickle of panic in her chest. But as soon as his mouth was on hers, his fresh laundry scent overwhelming her, she couldn’t help but slide her fingers into his hair. She’d wanted to do it for so long that instinct took over before she had a chance to think about it.
She could feel his hunger for her, she couldn’t deny her own for him, and although their kisses were innocent enough she realized she was swimming in dangerous waters. She wasn’t a bad girl (Kelly was the bad girl) and she knew what she was doing. With strength she didn’t know she had, she reluctantly pushed him away, his chest so hard beneath her palms.
She could hear the smile in his voice when he said, “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” and she was nervous when she admitted “Me too.” How long had she wanted to kiss him? Since the day Katy had shown up to sell purses at the office. Pam had never seen Jim flirt with a girl before and watching him with pretty Katy, watching her flirt back – it left a pressure in Pam’s chest that she kept trying to clear up with Tums. When she watched him open the car door for Katy (Roy leaned across and lifted the lock, but rarely opened the door for Pam anymore), she wondered if they would kiss goodnight. Probably not – they had just met. But it got her thinking about Jim and him kissing girls and … well. That was the first time she had thought about it, but not the last.
So the kiss haunted her first. Still did, but the months that had passed made it seem almost like a dream, not something that had really happened just feet from where she sat each day at work.
Then what haunted her was the memory of what he had said in the parking lot. She had been so awkward and cold and dishonest. And he had been … well, he had been Jim. His words still came to her from time to time. I’m in love with you. I want to be more than that. I’m sorry I misinterpreted our friendship. How had she just stood there and looked at him, watched his jaw tense, watched that one lone tear roll down his cheek, all the while standing there like an idiot twirling her engagement ring? How had she let him walk away a second time, nodding stupidly when he asked if she was still going to marry Roy? She could have said I don’t know or I’m really confused . . . anything to buy a few minutes to catch her breath and think. But no, she had to slam the door shut that very moment when all he wanted to do was kiss her again.
The next day she had called in sick (as had Jim) and Monday she showed up twitchy and nervous, waiting for Jim to walk in the door, waiting to see if he would look at her, if he would talk to her. But he never did. Word trickled down from Michael (okay, it hadn’t trickled – it had been announced hysterically and tearfully to the entire office) that Jim had transferred to Stamford. Pam had sat at her desk, trying to swallow the lump in her throat. She could see Phyllis watching her, trying to make eye contact. Pam wouldn’t. She couldn’t.
For the next three weeks she felt like someone was inside of her, screaming – deep in her chest, hands over ears, like in that painting, just screaming around the clock. Nails on a chalkboard, 24 hours a day. Finally, just three days before the wedding the scream made its way out. She was in the shower, washing the scent of Roy off of her body with scalding water, when it just slipped out. She screamed into a wash cloth for a minute at least. And she realized this couldn’t be her life anymore. It just couldn’t.
She thought about calling Jim right away. The second that she moved out and had her own phone line, she thought about calling him. But what could she say? She played conversations over and over in her mind and they all sounded ridiculous, wordy, and shallow. So she waited until she could think of the right thing to say to him, something that was on par with what he had told her on Casino Night. But it never came.
She must have started a dozen emails to him, ones that joked about Dwight or Michael, ones that tried to explain what had made her do what she had done, ones that simply said I’m sorry. But she always deleted them before she clicked send.
Then she heard his voice on the other end of the phone one night when she was frustrated and lonely. She picked up the phone and there he was. She felt dizzy, almost drunk. God, his voice. Sexy as ever, not bitter, not cold. So much more calm, actually, than hers. And they had talked for THREE hours! Not about anything important – she didn’t know how to interrupt the pleasant conversation they were having to bring up the fiasco that was her life – but they talked. And she thought maybe he didn’t hate her after all. Maybe …
When she heard he was coming back to Scranton she felt hope bloom inside her for the first time in years. Another chance! Surely she’d be able to rebuild their friendship and she could explain herself and maybe they could start again. He’d been in love with her once. Maybe he could fall in love with her again.
The whole morning she’d felt like her skin was several sizes too small for her body, stretched over her bones like a taut balloon. The camera crew saw right through her “I’m excited to see my old friend again” – even she knew it sounded contrived. She didn’t care.
When he walked in with the other guy, Martin, Pam could barely stay in her seat. He looked so good. The same, but better. Seeing him sent a warmth through her body, down to her belly, her toes. Had he always affected her this way? Why hadn’t she realized it before?
She couldn’t help but run up and hug him. She inhaled him – fabric softener and soap and the wool of his coat. He wrapped his arms around her, just like he had on Casino Night and she felt relief flood through her body. She could do this. She just had to get him alone so she could exorcise the ghosts and they could try again.
But then everything went wrong. Her attempt to invite him for coffee failed. Jim was being nice to her, but distant. Something was off.
And then she realized what it was.
Karen’s fingers rubbing Jim’s back gave her the same feeling that watching Katy pull on Jim’s tie had given her. Was this how he had felt every time she had kissed Roy? Is this what she had done to him? For years?
She was suddenly ashamed of herself. She hadn’t been blind all those years. She had known something . . . the way he looked at her. It had just been so nice at first, to have someone really pay attention to her, really make her laugh. She had thought he was cute – how could she not? – but she was safely engaged. She had flirted even though she denied it to herself and she had realized that maybe his flirting was something more than just innocent fun. On the booze cruise, and when she had jinxed him . . . she had felt something urgent and inevitable from him like a vibration. She had known something big was coming and it had scared the shit out of her, so she had shoved it way down deep like a forbidden secret she would never tell a soul. And on casino night, when Jim had been an open book, she had denied, refused, clung tightly to the status quo.
Yes, she had known all along and she hadn’t done anything about it. She had let him suffer. She had made him suffer. And now it seemed it was her turn.
She felt on the verge of tears all afternoon, staring at the back of Jim’s neck. Walking out to the car after work, her throat felt tight, the tears so close to the surface that she could feel them teasing her. And then his voice again:
“Hey”
She jumped a bit, swallowed, put on a smile.
“Hey!”
“I thought you had already... left.“
“Uh... no. I just uh had some other stuff I had to do.”
“Oh... Good.”
Maybe now was their chance. Maybe this was it. Maybe… “What's up?”
“Oh, nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today... or something.“
She wanted to say, yes, things were weird. Yes, all day I wanted to kiss you, all day I wanted to say something that would matter. But she was always so afraid of the scary things that came along with honesty. So she said, “What do you mean?”
“I just think I should tell you that... I've sort of started seeing someone. And uh... “
“Oh. That's totally cool. You can do whatever you want.” It was a knee jerk reaction, self-preservation at its finest. She was quite an actress. How could she act so calm when her skin felt hot, almost feverish? It was casino night all over again. Deny, refuse, cling to the status quo.
“O..ok. Um..good.”
“We're friends. We'll always be friends.”
“Right.”
“It's good to have you back.”
“Yeah. Good to be back.”
The tears held off until she was safely in her car, engine running. It felt like the time she had been in a car accident in high school and she had remained calm all while answering the police officer’s questions, all while she stared at the huge dent in her bumper. But the second her mom picked up the phone when she called home, the tears came and she could barely get out what happened. Just like then, the tears came, but over her broken heart, not her wrecked car.
She put her car in gear and left the parking lot, sobbing, gasping, hoping Jim was in his own car and couldn’t see her pitiful display.
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© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali
© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali