Disclaimer:  Jim and Pam are not mine.  If they were - this would have been the way the episode ended.

If this was what a date was, she'd be fine going another ten years without one.

Pam should have expected that it would turn out the way it did.   She should have seen it coming, the way Kelly doted on Ryan, the way Ryan pretended to hate it and the fact that her date was the least comical cartoonist she could ever imagine.

Freedom fries?   Really?  Pam shook her head at the memory hoping to erase any recollection of the night in the process.

Nothing about the last few months had been easy.  Leaving Roy, moving out - none of it was simple.   The hardest thing of all was dragging herself out the door every morning to go to a place that had become more unbearable than she could have possibly imagined.  But still she did it - because for everything that had changed, it was the one thing that was still constant.

Pam moved towards the bedroom, kicking off her shoes as she went.  She changed quickly, frowning as she hung up her clothes.   She ran a finger along the collar of her blouse.  Kelly was right.   If she was going to do this, she'd need some new things to wear.  

She wanted to be different.  She wanted things to be different.   She wanted to make things better, fix what she knew she'd broken.   The problem was she didn't really know how.  

That wasn't quite true.  She knew she could call him.   It's not like she didn't have his number.  She thought of those first days after he left, the way she'd sat at Kevin's desk one night after everyone else had left and dialed the Stamford office, her fingers shaking as she punched the extension, hoping to just hear his voice.  And she did, even if it was just his impersonal voicemail message ringing in her ears.  She called back twice before she felt utterly foolish and made her way towards the door.

She sighed as she thought of him now, and of all the thousands of words that had been caught in her throat since the last time she'd seen him.   She wished, more than anything, that she could bring herself to set them free.  Just thinking about it made her stomach knot and her breath hitch. 

Steadying herself, she absentmindedly grabbed the remote, clicking it on.   The sound of the 10 o'clock news now droned in the background, the glow of the television the only light in the room.   Lost in her thoughts she moved to the kitchen in search of something to snack on.   The salad she picked at during dinner was but a distant memory.   

The chimes of her cell phone brought her from her reverie.   Pam groaned as ran towards the chair where she'd thrown her purse.   Breathless, she flipped it open and answered.

"Hey Mom.  I know.  I'm sorry I didn't call.   I got home about a half hour ago."  Sighing, she sank into the chair.  "It was horrible.  I don't think I'm any good at this..."

There was a sudden silence that she hadn't been expecting.  And then the sound of someone clearing his throat, someone that was definitely not her mother.

"Pam?"

She was glad to be sitting down, since the world was suddenly spinning.   She couldn't hide her surprise as she replied.   "Oh!  I um...hey."

There was another long pause before he answered.  "Hi.  Did I catch you at a bad time?" 

It was hard to keep her voice steady, but she did her best.  "Yes.  I mean.  No.  It's fine. I'm...how - how are you?"

"Pretty good except, I'm stuck at a paper convention..." 

He sounded exactly the same, was all she could think.   After all that had happened shouldn't he sound different?   Did she sound different?

Pam nibbled nervously on a hangnail, wishing with all her might that she could be taken back to an earlier, much simpler time.  She tried to figure out just where this conversation was going. 

"Right."

There was another pause, this one so long she thought he'd hung up.  "Sooo.  You must be wondering why I'm calling."

She blinked and tried to find her voice.  "Yeah...I mean...I didn't think you wanted to talk to..."

He cut her off. "I'm sorry.  I just...didn't know who else to call.  Pam - I swear to God.  Dwight hired a hooker."

Pam nearly dropped the phone.  Of all the times, of all the ways she imagined this call going, "Dwight hired a hooker" was never, ever a part of the conversation.

"A w-what?"

"Hooker.  That sounds wrong...let's say...call girl.  I don't..."  Jim chuckled but she couldn't help but think that it seemed forced.  "...I didn't stick around long enough to find out the details.  But trust me.  He's got someone in his room - and not just his room - his bed.  He had to have paid for that.  Right??"

She had her own guess.  "Well...maybe not.  I actually I think I know who..."

"Pam, seriously.  This whole thing is exactly how you'd imagine.   Michael's throwing a party in his room.   He's serving cosmos..."

It was too much to take, the idea that he'd call her out of the blue, pretending nothing had happened.   He was going on and on, talking about some paper airplane contest.   Pam didn't want to know what Michael and Dwight were doing at the convention.  She certainly didn't want to know who was in Dwight's bed, though she knew that Jim was mistaken.  As amusing as the notion of Angela being referred to as a prostitute was, she really did not want to talk about any of this. 

She had to know if this was it - if they were just going to go along like nothing had happened.  She needed to know if everything he'd said was still true.   She felt stronger now somehow, having to face things without him being there, without having him to fall back on.   As much as she'd tried to deny it before, she knew now that's exactly how it had been.  Knowing she was prepared for the worst she fought to interrupt him. 

"Jim."

"Yeah?"

"Did you really call just to tell me about Dwight?"

"Well...yeah." He cleared his throat again.  "I thought you..."  He hesitated and when he spoke again he sounded dejected.  "Didn't mean to bother you."

"You weren't bothering me.  I just..."  She sighed heavily, trying to figure out what she was supposed to do.  "Can we...I just...I'm sorry."

He sounded much further than a hundred miles away all of the sudden.  "It's fine.  Don't worry about it."

She didn't know what to say to keep him there, but knew she couldn't let him go.  "No.  Wait.  I didn't mean you had to..."

"Have a good night Pam."

Panic consumed her.  She couldn't let it end like this.  Still, she herself was surprised when the next words came out of her mouth. 

"Jim, please.  Don't go..."

"It's fine..." His voice sounded bitter as he mumbled.  "This was a bad idea..."

"No.  Don't.  I'm so glad you called.  I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever..."

"Yeah.  It's been a while.  So, okay...let's talk about something else."  She couldn't quite read his tone.  She thought he actually sounded pissed off at her.  Her suspicions were confirmed when he continued.  "Like maybe...your date.  How'd that go?"

She fought to keep up with him.  "My what?"

"Your date.  Earlier, Michael wished you good luck.  How'd it go?"

"Oh.  That.  Jim.  It's not what you think..."

"No?"

Pam pulled at the lint clinging to the arm of her chair.  "No...it was Kelly's idea.  She was trying to cheer me up I think and I thought...I mean.  I thought it might be a good idea.  But it wasn't.  It was horrible."

"C'mon..."

"Trust me.  It's true.  I absolutely suck at dating."

Suddenly, there was warmth to his voice.  It was faint, but she was sure she could hear it. 

"I don't know.  Maybe you're great at it.  Maybe you've just been dating the wrong people..."

Truer words were never spoken as far as Pam was concerned.  "You're probably right."

"Hmm?"

She closed her eyes tight, as if that would give her more courage.   "You're right.  I've been dating the wrong people..."  

"Well I could have told you that."

He sounded so smug, Pam laughed in spite of herself.  "I think you actually did.  I mean, not exactly but you sort of..."

"So I umm...I guess this means you didn't marry him."

It was sort of a shock to hear him refer to that night so easily.  She didn't think they'd start talking about all of this so quickly.  Still, she sensed the opportunity now to give him a different answer.  She just wasn't quite sure how to do it.  She took a deep breath and tried to keep her voice light. 

"I thought the whole me 'going out on a date' thing would have cleared that up."

There was another pause, but it was as if the tension had lifted somehow. 

"Guess it does.  Well if it means anything, I'm glad you didn't."

"It definitely means something.  And, um...me too."  Pam took another steadying breath, not quite ready to tackle that subject just yet.  She knew she'd be the one who'll have to do the heavy lifting, trying to explain what had kept her from telling him about it sooner.  She switched the subject back to him.

"So.  How's Connecticut?"

"What?"   Jim sounded distracted.  She thought she could hear the faint clinking of glasses in the background.  She imagined him sitting in a near empty bar in the lobby of the hotel.  She could see him now, long legs stretched out before him, sprawled on one of those uncomfortable couches they always had in those kind of places.  It was a strange feeling, one she hadn't quite gotten used to yet.  The idea that it was actually okay to think about him at all.

She realized then he was still talking.  "Oh.  It's OK.  It's nice to be by the water.  We've got a view of the Sound from the office - which is pretty cool."

"And that means you're close to New York..."

"Yep.  Close to the city.  Also true.  Haven't quite gotten there yet, though..."

"No?  Why not?"

"I don't know.  I guess I've been busy trying to get settled."

"Oh yeah.  I know what that's like."

"Right.  So did you get a new place?"

"Yeah.  I kind of had to.   It's not much..."

"I'm sure it's great."

"Well, it's tiny but...it's mine.  It's weird.  I'm not used to living by myself."

She could hear him suck in a breath.  "That's gotta be a big change."

"It is."  She wondered if they kept talking if it would get less awkward.  In all the ways she missed him, she missed talking to him most of all.   She guessed that it was probably up to her to make this whole thing less uncomfortable.

Her voice was shaky, her lips trembling as she said his name.  "Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

She pictured him, his mouth twisted in that kind of half grin he sported whenever he pretended he didn't understand what she was saying.  "Not sure I know what you're apologizing for."

"Yeah, you do.  Jim.  Really. Let me do this.  I've wanted to say this for a long time.  I'm so sorry."

"Pam..."

"I shouldn't have let you leave without explaining...but.  I don't know.  It's like I didn't know how.  And then you were gone..."

Again, she couldn't quite tell what he was thinking.  She thought she heard him whisper "Yeah..." but she wasn't sure.

"Anyway.  Now that I have the chance, I want to say it.  I'm really sorry."

"It's okay..."

"It's really not okay, but thanks for saying that anyway."

He hesitated and she braced herself for some kind of joke, for him to try and deflect her apology somehow and then they'd be right back where they had started, which was basically nowhere. 

She needn't have worried.  Still she was shocked when she heard him say.  "I'm sorry too." 

Pam didn't quite know what to do with that.   She was the one trying to make up for what had happened.  It didn't seem fair to her for him to apologize. 

"You don't have to..."

"Yeah I kinda do.  It probably wasn't fair for me to say all that...and to...well.  You know.  I probably..."

She could hear how he was struggling and knew it was only right that she try and make it easier this time.  It was the least she thought she could do.

"Well.  I'm glad you did."

"Really?  Me too." She could hear another muffled voice then and heard Jim murmur something that sounded like "Yeah. Sure.  One more.  Thanks."

Seconds later, his voice became clearer.   "Sorry I was just..."

Everything was feeling familiar again. Pam took a chance and decided to tease him.  

"What'd you order?  Another cosmo?"

"What?  No."  He laughed then and she joined him, sighing in relief as she did. 

"It's OK Jim, you can admit it..."

"I happen to be having a beer, Beesly."

"Whatever."  She rolled her eyes.

"Hey.  I could hear that eyeroll.  Are you calling me a liar?   Nice.   Tell me - what are you drinking?"

"I'm not.  I was sure if I started tonight I might never stop."

"That bad huh?"

"It actually could have been worse I guess.  But trust me; there will be no second date."  Pam snagged her bottom lip with her teeth.  "I'm glad I went.  I needed to prove I could do it.  And I wanted some practice."

"Practice?"

"Yeah.  So that when someone I really like asks me I'll know what to do."

"It's not that difficult, Pam..."

"It is when you haven't dated anyone new in ten years."

"Fair enough.  But I think you're taking this too seriously.  I've said before, as long as there's food, entertainment, conversation, maybe some candlelight - you've got yourself a date."

She thought back now, and tried to count how many other of those signs she'd missed, or more accurately, chose to ignore.   It was about time she admitted what he'd then was true.   "You might be right."

"Might be?   Pam. I am right.  As a matter of fact - as far as I'm concerned I'm on a date right now.  I've got a bowl of wasabi peas...so that covers the food.  The five drunk paper clip salesmen next to me couldn't be more entertaining, there's a little candle on the table and I'm talking to you.   Looks like a date to me."

"OK.  It's a date."  Jittery, she shifted in her chair, knocking her purse over in the process.  Her keys spilled out onto her lap.   Emboldened she twirled them around her finger.  "You know...they say it's not good to drink alone."

"True."

Her voice sounded foreign to her own ears.  "Maybe you shouldn't..."

He sounded slightly confused as he replied.  "Don't worry; I'm not going to have much more than this..."

Pam's next words came out in a rush.  "Do you want some company?"

She could tell she'd shocked him, and it made her feel giddy, and almost...powerful. 

"What?  Wait.  You want to come here?"

"Yeah.  I mean...you're only about two hours away..."

He cut her off gently, his voice low and rough.   "Pam, Stamford is only two hours away..."

She blinked back tears, tried to swallow the lump that formed in her throat.  "Yeah but that's not the same."

"You're right.  It's not."  He acknowledged quietly.  There was another pause before he spoke again.  "I think it would be really great if you came here.  Are you sure you are up to it?"

"Absolutely."  She smiled widely as she added.  "It'll be good to see you."