1. [mood | tired]
[music | wilco]
We got a new receptionist at work today. Her name’s Pam. She’s actually sort of cute which is good news for me, because maybe now I won’t be so incredibly bored all the time. Bad news for her, because Michael is obviously going to exploit this at all opportunities and has already made a number of inappropriate remarks to her.
Anyway, so I turned on a little of that Jim Halpert charm, but as it turns out she’s engaged to this guy Roy who works down in the warehouse. It’s too bad, but this attraction could just be due to the fact that I haven’t gotten laid in over six months.
We’ll see.
2. [mood | confused]
[music | “love and some verses”, iron & wine]
So sort-of-cute-receptionist is turning into something more along the lines of the perfect girl. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about that. I mean, she’s funny and smart and really good at coming up with pranks for Dwight.
For now, we’re just becoming really good friends. And she’s apparently been with her fiancé for ten years. And she does this thing with her head when she laughs- Okay, I need to stop, because this is obviously never going to amount to anything.
And now Mark’s telling me to go buy more beer.
3. [mood | fucked]
[music | for some reason “tiny dancer” won’t leave my head]
So she was drunk and she kissed me and I’m pretty much in love with her and it’s ridiculous that I just left her and I already miss her.
Fuck.
4. [mood | drained and maybe still half drunk]
[music | “you’re it”, halloween, alaska]
I’ve been listening to this Halloween, Alaska song over and over tonight. I’m not sure it’s helping anything at all. But it’s so fucking appropriate that I can’t turn it off.
She’s getting married in less than five months. Maybe I’ll get one of those user info countdown things.
But, seriously, five months? And he- I mean, come on. Him?
And just before all of this, we were out there talking (or mostly not talking) and it seemed like- She did everything but say that she felt something for me. But, as usual, we just let that pass.
She looked happy tonight, dancing with him. And I feel selfish because I almost hate her for it. That hurts because I used to be happy as long as she was happy and now I’m not. Now I want her for myself. Now I only want her to be happy with me, not with her fiancé. Now I resent her when she smiles and it’s not because of me. When did I become that guy?
5. [mood | blank]
[music | silence]
Everything is happening at once.
My hands won’t stop shaking and I wish I could breathe. But I really can’t feel anything right now. And it’s a wonder I can even type right now, but this needs to be recorded somewhere. I need to be able to remember that this happened.
I told her. I just said it. I had other words there, lined up on my tongue, but they didn’t come out. Instead I’m telling her that I’m in love with her. And it was that dress and the way she was smiling at me and the fact that she’s- God.
Then she just looked at me like she couldn’t believe I was calling her on this now. She said that she couldn’t. What does that even mean? She wasn’t denying it at all. She wasn’t telling me that she didn’t feel the same way about me. She was just telling me that she couldn’t. And then it was this bullshit about our friendship and misinterpretations and that hurt so much so I had to walk away.
I just walked in circles for a while until I could calm down. Honestly, I was terrified. Because, I mean, she’s my best friend not just the girl I’m in love with. And I was so afraid that I had just severed our connection entirely and I could not live with that. I really couldn’t.
She was using my phone up in the office when I found her and I caught the tail end of her conversation. Something about, “Yeah, I think I am…” And I somehow just knew what that meant.
So I kissed her. And she didn’t push me away. And then she told me that she needed time and I’m okay with that.
For once, I finally feel like I’m in motion.
