Story Notes:
I don't own anything.
Author's Chapter Notes:
So for all of you Dunder Hallers this is the sequel? Well I'm not sure how long this will be, but it will definitely have a proposal in it, just with a bit of angst before that can happen. If you're just reading this for the first time I'm not really referencing the last story too much so feel free to jump in right now.
He was 26 sitting at home alone on a Friday night. When did his life become this? He had so many plans for himself a few years ago, but none of them ended the way he wanted. He had just broken up with his girlfriend because she found the ring. She actually thought he was going to propose. He laughed to himself thinking about how presumptuous she had been. The way her eyes were lit up when she walked out of his room and then suddenly her eyes met his and she knew he wasn’t going to propose. And all of those things that he liked about her: her sense of humor, her personality, her smile, all gone. Instead they were replaced with the words she hurled at him. Were you just using me? Why do you have this if you didn’t intend on asking me? You’re an asshole.
And that was the million dollar question. Why did he have it? But he knew why he had gotten it and the question had suddenly become “Why did he still have it?” Was he a glutton for punishment? It wasn’t like he had it hidden away in some box or locked away out of sight. It was still in the same place that he had put it at when he and Pam had moved in all of those summers ago, sitting quietly in the corner of his sock drawer staring back at him whenever he ventured too far back. Mocking him silently. Reminding him that he was a coward.
He picked up his beer taking another large gulp before finishing it off and trying to toss it into the wastebasket next to his desk. The glass made a large clinking sound and he suspected that he had just chipped some of the wood floor, but he didn’t care enough to actually go check.
His phone had been ringing for the past hour, but he assumed it was just her, calling to see if he was home. Apparently she had left one of her many sweaters somewhere in the apartment. That was a lie though. He always made sure that she never left anything behind after each visit. It was his way of keeping her from disturbing the surroundings, because deep down inside he knew that she shouldn’t have been there. It was like taking a child to the toy store and asking them not to look or touch anything because it would never be theirs. He would never be hers. He would always be Pam’s.
She was right, he was an asshole.
He thought this time could be different. That this one could make him forget Pam. But he should have known that it wouldn’t happen. The fact that she had so many of the features that he loved about Pam should have been his first warning sign. Really, dating a girl that reminded him of the only girl he ever loved? How was that even remotely healthy?
He had to start somewhere and it was a huge step that he actually let her come over to his place as often as he did. He couldn’t have sex with her here though, not without picturing Pam, and that wasn’t fair to either of them. The image of Pam in every corner of this apartment was burned into his mind.
He told her he loved her, but only after a month of her saying it without any response. He wished that he hadn’t done that. It was his fault for letting things go this far. Her calling nonstop seemed only like a small price to pay compared to the pain he had just caused her.
He reached for the phone and answered.
“I’m sorry.”
“What?” The man on the other line asked.
“Jon?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, sorry. Thought you were someone else. Why are you calling on this phone?”
Jim cradled the phone with his shoulder while walking over to the empty bottle on the ground and taking it into the kitchen with him
“I’ve been trying your cell all night, and you haven’t picked up once.”
“Yeah, I broke up with Lisa earlier today and she’s been calling every few minutes so I just haven’t been answering. Or maybe she broke up with me. Who knows?”
“Speaking of relationships... have you talked to Pam lately?”
He reached in the fridge and grabbed another beer.
“Nah, it’s been I dunno, a few weeks, maybe a month.” He knew for a fact that it would be one month on Sunday.
“You should probably call her.”
“And say what? My brother told me to call you.”
“I think she’s engaged.”
The beer slipped from his hand covering the white tile floor with a light brown liquid.
“SHIT!”
“Shit to Pam?”
“I dropped my beer.”
Jim tiptoed out of the kitchen, peeling off his wet socks and throwing them aside. He sighed.
“Jim? Did you hear me? I think Pam’s engaged.”
“There’s beer everywhere.” He pulled a few paper towels off the roll and haphazardly threw them over the puddle.
“I saw her at the bar tonight. She had a ring on her left hand. She was with some guy, Jim.”
He kneeled down grabbing at a soaked paper towel and swirling it around the floor.
“Did she look happy?” Finally acknowledging his brother.
“I don’t know. Call her Jim. Ask her for herself. Stop her.”
He slid down the wall next to the kitchen and wrung his hands.
“I’ll call you back.”
That should have been him, that guy in the bar with her. But instead he was hearing about it from his brother. And he wondered what it felt like to slip an engagement ring on her finger. Would she be overcome with tears? Would she give him that smile that would make him speechless?
He dialed her number. He didn’t expect her to pick up. She was probably making love, and the coolness of that ring was on someone else’s back.
“Jim!”
“Pam,” he whispered.
“Calling on a Friday?”
“I didn’t wake you up did I?”
“No,” she giggled. “I just got home. What are you doing?”
“I just wanted to call and hear your voice.”
She was silent on the other end.
“I miss you, Pam.”
“Jim, I can’t do this.” The excitement that had greeted him was gone and replaced with hesitation.
“Please Pam.”
“I thought you were dating someone.”
“No, not anymore.” Was he ever really dating anyone? He could never commit himself to a relationship and it was more like one night stands that followed him around.
“Oh, so I’m just your rebound girl,” she joked.
“She was the rebound girl.”
Pam sighed loudly into the receiver. Why did he say things like that, to get a reaction out of her? Was she supposed to thank him?
“Can I come visit you?”
“That’s probably not a good idea.”
“Please Pam. I need to see you.”
“I don’t know. Let me think about it.” She couldn’t let him visit, not after last time when and he broke her heart. “Why are you doing all of this now? What changed?”
“I told you, I miss you.” He was more confident when he said that. He thought that this confidence would some how translate into ‘love me again,’ ‘want me.’
He raised himself from the floor and walked towards his bedroom not bothering to flick on the lights.
“Sometimes at night I think I can smell your hair on the pillow.” He leaned back on the bed.
“Two years later? You should probably do laundry more often.”
He didn’t laugh. “I miss running my hands over your back while I kiss that spot right under your jaw. Do you remember that?”
“Yes,” she said apathetically while every nerve ending was firing and she could almost feel his lips against her neck. Jim was her phantom limb. He was gone, but she swore that she could still feel the heat of his body next to hers or his fingers tangled up in her hair.
“What are you wearing?”
“A dress.” She knew she shouldn’t be playing along.
“I can see your leg trembling under my fingertips as I run my hand higher up your thigh.”
“Jim, I can’t do this. I can’t get you off over the phone because you broke with Laura.”
“Lisa,” he corrected.
“That’s my point, I don’t care. Lisa this month, Hannah before then. I don’t want to be your go to girl when you’re lonely. I’ll talk to you, but I can’t do this anymore.”
“Is it because you’re dating someone?”
“No, not exactly.” Finally what he had been waiting to hear.
“We used to do this all the time when you were dating that Steve guy. And you were the one calling me every night when you were seeing Peter.”
“This isn’t a cheating thing. I’ll talk you as your friend, but nothing else.”
“What’s the new guy’s name?”
“Come on Jim, don’t do this.”
“Is he there?”
“It’s none of your business,” she huffed. “How many times did you call me when Mary, or Sarah, or Muffy was over at your place?”
“I never dated anyone named Muffy.”
“That’s not the point. You threw the TWO guys that I’ve seen since we ended our relationship back in my face, and you’ve dated almost six times as many people.”
“Just one more time,” he begged. “Please.”
Something had changed in his voice. It was sad and broken, and she wasn’t sure if this was because of his breakup or something else.
“I have to go. It’s getting late. Call me tomorrow if you want to talk.”
She wanted to make him groan into the phone, to know that she could still make him whimper even from 3000 miles away. Because maybe he would say her name in a tone that would say ‘I’m still in love with you.’
She threw herself down on the couch and wondered how detrimental it would be to the progress she had made these last few months if she picked up the phone and called him right back. Played right into his game. She dialed the first five numbers before hitting end. Instead she typed a quick message to his cell phone that she immediately regretted sending.
I’m sorry for hanging up. Forgive me?
She had nothing to apologize for, but the idea of Jim being angry at her still bothered her.
He had his face down in the pillow wondering why he sometimes said the things he did. He didn’t mean any of them. It was his defense mechanism. When he was backed into a corner he would throw out things hoping to hit a nerve. Then the attention would be on them. He was free to lick his wounds while they just begun to feel the sting of their own.
He knew he had royally screwed up that phone call. He was supposed to call her and ask her about being engaged. Instead he was begging for phone sex and bringing up her ex-boyfriends. He wasn’t sure that she knew that the fact that she dated only two guys since they broke up hurt more than if she would have been on guy number sixteen. Two guys in the two years made it seem like she was really trying to find someone to move on with. To settle down and start the life that he had planned for them. And apparently that’s exactly what she was doing with this new guy.
His insides seemed to be folding in on itself, and he tried pushing the nausea away. But no matter how hard he tried he kept having this vision of Pam walking down the aisle and standing next to some faceless man.
He punched the pillow and rolled over to his back.
That first night in the apartment began to replay in his head. If he could relive that day every day he would, especially now knowing that he wouldn’t be able to do that ever again, now that she was someone else’s.
There was this little voice shoving its way to the front just to be heard through all of the other thoughts in his head. Fight for her.
And why not? What was holding him here? Not the love of his life. Certainly not his job? A job was just a job and he could get another one. There was only one love of your life and even if she turned him down he could always say that he tried.
Chapter End Notes:
This is what I originally wrote for the end of Dunder Hall, well part of it, but it was going to be way too long. So here we are with a sequel.
