He wondered miserably what he’d ever done to deserve this – not just having to live the daily nightmare that was being in love with his best friend, who was engaged to someone else – but to have to bear witness to scenes like this one.

She was gazing up at Roy in adoration, as if it were okay that he’d finally set a date only when he was so drunk that his tongue had tangled over the words while he made the announcement. 

She deserves so much more than that.

He forced himself to look away, taking another sip of his beer, almost oblivious to Katy.  ….Katy, who sat across from him gazing at Pam and Roy as if they presented the most romantic spectacle she’d ever seen. 

She’d looked deliberately from them to Jim and back again a few times, as if to send him a subtle hint: That could be us.

He got it, but he looked away, pretending not to notice.  He was just too miserable to even muster it right now, his life seeming to have spiraled even more out of control in the last half hour than it had in months. 

And things had gotten considerably worse for him over the past few months.

First he’d blown it out on the deck – he knew she was waiting for him to say something, to do something, but he just couldn’t muster the courage.  Because the truth was that he was terrified of losing her, of losing the close relationship that they had. 

And so he’d consoled himself after she walked away by thinking that he just needed more time, that it made sense to just give her a little more time. 

Because she’d realize it eventually; she couldn’t run from this forever.

But now everything had changed; now her wedding wasn’t some far off, distant event, but something very real, something that would be happening on a given date now. 

So now he’d have to run from it forever.

The very thought terrified him.

And then, thank god, the song was over.  He heard Roy murmur affectionately, “I love you, baby.”

Again, Jim looked away, swallowing hard, praying the tears clogging his throat wouldn’t make their way to his eyes.

And then Katy’s hand was on his arm.

“Hey,” She leaned across the table. “I think you should give a toast.”

Immediately he shook his head. “No, I really don’t want to.”

“Oh come on, Jim; don’t be shy.” She stood, literally grabbing his arm and dragging him to his feet as he felt that panic looming in him.

He was still protesting – or trying to – but she seemed oblivious to what he was saying; if anything, the more he protested, the louder and more insistent she became.

“Everybody! Everybody!” She called loudly, getting the attention of the room.

He realized with a sinking feeling that, after the sides of her he’d seen tonight, he didn’t even really like her anymore.

“There’s a toast.” She said, gesturing toward Jim.  Immediately, chants of “toast! toast! toast!” began.

All eyes were on him, including Pam’s – Pam, who leaned comfortably against Roy, smiling at him softly in anticipation of what he’d say.

Even Roy said, “Hey, Halpert….”

Jim swallowed hard.

“Um….didn’t really….”  He hesitated. “prepare anything to say….”

Breathe.  Just breathe, then keep talking.

“We’re all caught pretty unprepared with this whirlwind courtship.” He couldn’t believe he’d managed a joke, but there it was, everyone chuckling good naturedly. 

The lump in his throat was back, making it difficult to even swallow or take a steadying breath.

And Pam – her eyes were on him expectantly, the look on her face openly warm, affectionate.

It’s not going to hurt like this forever; it’s just one moment.  Just get through it without breaking down. 

“I guess I just wanna say that Pam….” He paused, knowing he wasn’t going to make it through this without breaking down.

“….Is…the greatest.” The look on her face was killing him.  He felt his jaw trembling, tears in his eyes. 

He couldn’t even look up at her as he said, his voice betraying all that he felt for her, all that this moment was doing to him, “My best friend.”

When he dared to glance up, there was that smile on her face, so much genuine love in her expression.

And then he just felt bare, undone, had gone on, “And she’s…awesome – “

He’d never been more happy for one of Dwight’s ill-timed, obnoxious interruptions. 

He turned, brushing away Katy’s hand when she tried to catch hold of his own, striding away from her and out on the deck. 

He walked all the way around to the back, praying no one would find him there, hoping against hope that Katy wouldn’t follow him, because the tears had begun before he’d even reached the railing. 

He leaned against it heavily, head tilted to the sky, the hot tears on his face immediately chilling in the air.  The pressure in his chest felt enormous; the pain that had begun as a dull, throbbing ache earlier in the evening now seemed to have morphed out of control, settling into his chest and his lungs and his throat.

Just make it go away.  I don’t know what to do anymore; I’ve tried everything.  I’ve tried moving on – and look where that got me: stuck on this boat with a former cheerleader who just effectively led me to the slaughter.   I’ve tried to get up the nerve to just tell her, to just say it, but I can’t….and now it’s too late.  

And I have no idea how to get over this.  

“Hey you.” Pam’s voice behind him startled him.

She’d been almost impatient inside to get past the well-wishers – Katy first in line – anxious to come and find Jim.  Because the look on his face and the timbre of his voice when he’d given that toast had rendered her literally incapable of breathing until he was finished. 

She just had to find him, needed to feel his arms around her, needed to just tell him how much he meant to her – how much what he’d said meant to her.

Had to somehow quell that ache she’d been feeling ever since those interminable moments on the deck when he’d come so close to saying it all….when she’d almost wanted him to, silently giving him permission to kiss her, hoping that he would….terrified that he would.

 She tried not to think about that.  

He tried to wipe away the tears, but he was too late – she’d stepped up beside him, and when she’d caught the expression on his face, her smile had frozen.

“Jim….”  It made his stomach tighten to see that tears immediately sprung to her eyes.

 God, Pam, why do you have to keep running?  

He was shaking his head, jaw tensed, aware that he was just done – he couldn’t smile at her now, couldn’t pretend everything was okay.

He just didn’t have the energy anymore.

Some instinctive sense was whispering to her to leave him alone right now, but she just couldn’t.  The tears on his face – shocking, unexpected – had sliced right through her. 

She knew even before she started talking that she was out of control, that this was out of control, that what she was feeling at this moment – the poignancy, the affection, the searing loyalty and love – was bigger than she was.  

“I came out here to tell you how much that meant to me, what you said.” Her voice was gentle, her eyes a caress.  “You just….have no idea how much you mean to me.”

The tears in her eyes spilled down her cheeks, prompting him to lower his head for a moment, tears filling his eyes again.

He swallowed hard as she went on, her voice trembling and strained, “And I mean….the look on your face when you said I was your best friend….”

She shook her head, and he could feel her eyes on his face again, even though he kept his own eyes on the deck, not daring to look up at her.  He didn’t want to cry in front of her, not now; he felt too exposed, too raw.

And then he felt her fingers soft on his chin as she reached up, gently nudging him so that he had to raise his face, had to look at her.

When her eyes rested on his face, she actually emitted a little gasp – his eyes averted, tears glistening so clearly on his lashes, catching the light from the water; his lips tense, jaw muscle tensing in and out; his chin trembling with the effort it was taking him not to cry.

In that moment, she knew without question that she loved him – truly loved this man standing in front of her with a ferocity that made it difficult to breathe sometimes.  She didn’t categorize it as romantic or platonic….just there, overwhelming her. 

“Jim….” Her voice was so gentle that he just couldn’t take it anymore; he tried to shake his head, tried to bring himself to tell her he needed to be alone, but he just couldn’t.

Instead, the tears trickled slowly down his cheeks, his eyes closed now, not even trying to hide it anymore.

And then her arms were around him, clinging to him tightly; he remained still for a second, knowing what this was going to cost him – knowing it would cost him more to hurt her – so he let his arms find their way around her waist, pulling her close against him, feeling her trembling in his embrace.

She was crying openly now, clinging to him, shaking her head back and forth, hands clutching his chest as she sobbed. 

Sometimes what she felt for him was just too much.

All she could do was whisper softly against his neck, “I love you so much, Jim.”

His eyes closed, and she felt a shudder go down his spine; he swallowed again, though it hurt like hell to do so, wishing he could stop crying, knowing that as long as she was in his arms, telling him she loved him….it was useless to try to fight this.

He wanted to say it back to her, wanted to say something, but he just couldn’t; he didn’t trust his voice not to break.

She whispered again, still clutching him tightly, her voice muffled in his neck, his shoulder, “You really are the best friend I’ve ever had, and it just….it meant so much to me to hear you say that in front of everybody.”

He shook his head slightly, couldn’t stop himself.

She pulled back then, her eyes and nose red, face completely drenched in the tears that were still coming – tears that welled anew when she saw the tears on his face. 

She knew this wasn’t fair to him; she knew that it was even cruel in some ways.  Because she knew what he felt for her, knew what he really wanted from her. 

She knew, too, that it wasn’t a good idea to touch his damp cheek, wiping the tears away gently, his eyes closing again as if her touch burned his skin.

“What is it, Jim?” She asked quietly, still caressing his face, unable to stop, the emotion having long since taken over in her.

He shook his head, chin trembling still, seeming unable to speak.

And then he raised his eyes to hers, holding her gaze steady the way he had an hour earlier when that silence had fallen….only then, he’d looked hopeful, not broken.

She forced herself to start talking, knowing why he was crying, wanting desperately to make it better….when she knew there was only one way to do that.

And just the thought terrified her.  

So instead, she gave him a tender, trembling smile, even reached to brush his hair from his forehead, saying, “I know we joke around a lot – it’s just our dynamic – and we don’t usually talk about....you know, the emotion, what we mean to each other.”

His chest started to rise and fall in a more pronounced manner; the look in her eyes was just….almost breathtakingly full – tender, gentle, pained, warm….

Oh my god….is she going to admit to this?  Is she going to acknowledge it?  

Even that tiniest bit of hope seemed to burn right through him.

“But Jim….” Again, that tremulous smile, the warmth.

Immediately his eyes fell to the deck again.

Without thinking, she reached again, hand to his jaw as she tilted his face up, making him look at her.  

For a few long seconds, she couldn’t speak, then forced herself to whisper, “I don’t know what I’d do without you – and I mean that.”

Her eyes held his with that same intensity he’d seen on the deck an hour ago.

He felt so incredibly shredded – just laid bare – that he couldn’t even think anymore, couldn’t even force himself to try to hide it, to match her declaration of friendship with one of his own….to help her repair the crack in the façade that was their platonic relationship – the crack that had begun forming an hour before, that was growing slowly into a chasm.

Instead, he gazed down at her for a few long seconds – her hand still on his jaw, tears still on her cheeks and his – and then he slowly, slowly leaned down toward her.

On some unconscious level, he’d moved deliberately slowly so that she would have time to pull back, to break the moment.

She didn’t.  In fact, he could’ve sworn she met him halfway.

His lips touched hers, gently at first, and when he felt her hand move from his cheek to his hair, he deepened the kiss, pressing a little closer. 

And then she suddenly shifted, burying her face on his chest, shaking all over in his arms. 

He tilted his head all the way back in agony, looking up at the stars, trying to ignore the familiar scent of her hair wafting up to him in the breeze.

Her heart was pounding so loud it felt as if it were reverberating right through the pit of her stomach, her ears, the way that bass sounds when a car passes and the radio is up loud.

She knew she had to get away, to leave him alone.  It was too dangerous right now, and she knew it.

The fact that he’d kissed her left her feeling limp, was partly why she was still resting there in his arms, inhaling his scent, loving it.

She pulled back finally, looking up at him almost fearfully as she whispered, “Thank you – for everything, Jim.”

He nodded once, the agony settling on his features in a way that made her feel like she might just fall to her knees right there.

Instead, she took a few steps away from him, then whispered, “I really love you; thanks for being such an incredible friend.”

All he could do was nod helplessly.