Game

When you are faced with opposition you can do one of two things. 

Put up a fight or back down.

After their failed lunch “date” Jim picked the latter. 

He simply pretended it really didn’t happen.

The next day and for all the days that followed Jim tried really hard to keep things light.  He told himself an endless string of lies. 

She doesn’t have to know what he was thinking the whole time they’d sat at that table at Cugino's.   She doesn’t have to know that almost since the moment he'd met her he’d pretty much planned out the rest of his life. 

She doesn't have to know he pictured her in every minute of it.

She didn't want to know any of that.  She was in love with someone else. 

Nearly three years ago he'd told himself he’d move on but it was proving much more difficult than he’d anticipated.

Of course, now that he knew for sure that she was taken, he tried to date other people.  After all, she’s engaged.   It wasn’t like she’d been casually dating someone when they met.  And if he ever needed a reminder, she now had the ring to prove it. 

If you could call that ridiculously cheap trinket a ring that is.

He’d buy her sapphires; he thinks whenever he sees it and then shakes the image out of his head.  He’s not going to be buying her anything anytime soon. 

Still he knows she’d appreciate something different, the artist in her would prefer something colorful, and something that amounts to at least a carat. 

The ring she wears is full of slivers of a stone he can’t imagine amounts to much of anything.

Whenever he caught a glimpse of the symbol that she’d never be his he simply couldn’t help himself.  The thought flew through his mind before he could stop it.

She deserved more.

He wishes he knew Pam before she’d met Roy, wishes he’d been the one to watch her in high school sitting off in a corner drawing away.  He wishes he was the one to have heard her talk about her dreams before she’d decided to give up on them.

And just when he’d all but convinced himself to give up on his own completely ridiculous dream, there were moments when he thought he still had a chance.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

She didn’t have many friends anymore.  Not that she was exactly friendless - she still had people she could call on the phone, girls she could go shopping and to lunch with but the truth was the majority of her Marywood friends had left town after college. 

Now, really her friends were simply Roy’s friends, the girlfriends of Roy’s friends were the only people she had to confide in.  Not that she did that all that much. She never really felt connected to them; their common bond seemed to be boredom and complaining about their respective boyfriends.

Sometimes, being with them was nothing but a constant reminder that things weren’t as they should be.

So when Jim suggested they be “friends” she didn’t really know what to do.  She hadn’t ever been around someone like him.  It scared her sometimes, the way he instinctively could tell when she was upset about something.  She tried to tell herself it was nothing – that she just hasn’t ever had a true best friend.

But now - she did.

This is what friends do for each other – right?   Friends listen to each other vent?  Friends create little inside jokes?   It was all perfectly normal wasn’t it?

Pam tried as hard as she could – but she couldn’t shake the feeling. 

There was an odd twinge she'd get in the pit of her stomach, she was usually good at willing it away but it’s been more than insistent lately, specifically when she thought of him and Katy. 

One thing about the two of them bothered her.  She didn’t think they had all that much in common.  She wondered what on earth they actually talked about when they went out together.

If she was being honest, she knew the feeling.  She and Roy rarely discussed anything nearly as important as the things she could talk about with Jim.

Then again, judging from the way Katy looked, maybe Jim wasn’t really interested in talking to her at all.

After all - Jim was a guy and Katy was incredibly pretty.  Hot, even.

That was probably it. 

Sometimes, very infrequently, she felt brave.  Sometimes, she actually let herself wonder what it would be like if she was more than friends with him. 

Sometimes she felt brave enough to pretend again.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Pam sighs as she settles in the lawn chair beside Jim.  The air was warm for this time of year.   She brings the toasty sandwich to her mouth and takes a small careful bite. 

“I can’t remember the last time someone made me dinner.”

Jim glances at her sideways and chuckles.  “I wouldn’t exactly call it dinner.”

She shakes her head at him, completely serious.  “It’s after sunset and I didn’t have to make it myself.  It’s dinner, Jim.”

He nods and concedes her point.  “Fair enough.”

They sit for a few minutes, looking out to the vacant lot below.  He could see the smile tugging at her lips out of the corner of his eye.  He nudges her with his elbow.

“So?”

She swallows and takes a sip of her soda, knowing exactly what he’s referring to.  “Oh.  Are we going to do this now?”

He shrugs.  “Now’s a good a time as any.”

She laughs and wipes her hands on a piece of paper towel he’d brought up to use as napkins.  “OK.  Should I start?”

“Ladies first.”

She leans back and takes a deep breath.  Her voice holds the same quality of a kindergarten teacher, reading to a group of five year olds.  He thinks it’s the most adorable thing he’s ever heard.

That fact is actually the sole reason he’d started this game in the first place.

“It was a blustery Saturday, the wind was brutal when Uncle…Mose…”

“Senior.”  Jim interjects, just like he always did.  This game was their twisted way of filling in the blanks of Dwight’s life.  He gave them plenty of material – but there was so much left to speculation.

It’d become one of their favorite pastimes.

“Right.  Of course.  Mose Senior bravely ventured to the wilds of...”  She stops, leaving the next bit up to him.

Suddenly inspired, he responds.  “The Delaware Water Gap…”

She smiles with approval.  “…to purchase fireworks for his beloved son and nephew…”

“Dwigt.”  He shakes his head and begins to laugh.

She laughs right back at him.  “…who also possesses a secret identity.  He is Agent Michael Scarn’s trusty sidekick…Samuel L. Chang…”

She stops short and gives Jim an inquiring look.  “What goes on in Michael’s mind?”

He holds her gaze and answers solemnly.  “We don’t have quite that much time tonight Pam.  Let's stick with the subject at hand shall we?”

She bites back a smile.  “OK.”  She racks her brain to try and continue but she ends up with another question. ”It’s November, why did his uncle buy him fireworks?”

He looks at her incredulously.   “You’re telling me you don’t bust out the sparklers after the turkey on Thanksgiving?”

“No.”

Jim finishes the last of his sandwich and looks at her with distain.  “And you’re sure you’re American?”

“Shut up.”  She laughs and the sound is music to his ears.  He honestly can’t think of a sound he likes better.  It’s bell-like and genuine and when she laughs like this it lights up her whole face.

He tries not to think of how much he likes her face too much.

She smiles at him and can’t remember when she’d had such a good time.  She thinks for a second how complicated things are between the two of them.  How they have these little arguments that bother her much more than any of the fights she has with Roy. 

She remembers how angry he was at Halloween, when she suggested he take that job in Maryland.  She'd had a fleeting thought then that he wouldn't want to leave her.  She remembers the day when Michael and Dwight had their fight at the dojo, how the feel of Meredith’s eyes on them when he'd grabbed her and lifted her made her so completely self conscious.

It shouldn’t be that way.   She shouldn’t let it bother her. 

They were just friends. And tonight they were friends having a really great dinner.  She pushes the thoughts from her mind and decides to simply enjoy it.

Her voice brings him back to matters at hand.  Pam’s brow is wrinkled, her voice concerned as she watches Kevin and Dwight run through the fireworks for the umteenth time.

“What are they doing?  They’re going to hurt themselves.”

“Promise?”  He chuckles back at her.

She gazes at him, openmouthed, not sure if he’s kidding.  “Jim.  Stop it.  You don’t really want to hurt Dwight.”

He grins.  “Of course not.  He’s just so…”

“Bizarre? Infuriating?”  She offers.

“To name two things, yes.” 

She looks back out at the field, the fireworks finally fading and sputtering out. “I gotta say - if nothing else - he is entertaining.”

Jim’s eyes are elsewhere, still trained on her face.  “That he is.”

She turns and catches him looking at her, a flush spreading to her cheeks before she can stop it. 

He notices and clears his throat. “Finished?”

“Yeah.”  She replies, suddenly flustered.  “That was a truly excellent sandwich.  My compliments to the chef.”

“Thank you.”  He looks genuinely pleased.  He watches her as she lifts his plate off the ground.  “Here.  I’ll take that.”

She shakes her head at him lifting a candle to her mouth and blowing it out in a whoosh of breath. 

“No way.  You cooked, I’ll clean up.”

The sight of her pursed lips affects him more than he'd ever imagined.

“Team effort.”  He insists.

He picks up their empty soda cans as she folds up the lawn chairs.  “Tell me something, were those made with real cheese or cheese food?”

He scoffs at her.  “That Beesly, was 100% all-natural cheddar.”

“Of course.  I should have known.  Well.  It was absolutely delicious.”  She smiles again.  "Thank you Jim."

He gazes down at her and his breath catches.  The moon is high and full, and it casts a light on her.  He knows it’s incredibly sappy and romantic, he knows that they’ll be leaving shortly and she’ll be going home to Roy.  He’s just too caught up in how perfect this night is to censor himself.

“Anytime.”  He holds her gaze and shoves his hands in his pockets.  “Nothing but the best for you.”

They’re both reluctant to leave, joking about what they’ll do before they see each other again.  Jim’s going to travel the world.  Pam has a fleeting thought that if he asked her to in that moment she’d absolutely go with him.

But she knows she can’t go and see the world, especially not with Jim.  She’s engaged.  And once she’s married she knows that the likelihood of her venturing further than the Pocono’s is slim to none. 

It’s fine, she tells herself, because when she finally does get married she’ll have Roy and they’ll have a family and a house and a perfectly nice life.

It doesn’t change the fact that - right here - right now - all she wants this for moment to last.

So she summons her courage and asks about the music Jim’s listening to, takes the ear bud from him and breathes deeply as she places it in her ear. 

She sways with him in the moonlight in the deserted parking lot, wondering for a long moment what it would be like to really dance with him.

He’d hold her carefully, she thinks, the way he does when she’s a bit unsteady on her feet  sometimes.  His hand would splay warm and strong over the small of her back, his fingers would twine with hers. 

Sometimes he might step on her feet, her's were so tiny he'd crush her toes accidentally. She can hear his voice, low and deep in her ear, apologizing. 

She's suddenly dizzy because she can see him spin her around, hear both of them laughing. 

Maybe he'd even dip her before they’re done. 

She closes her eyes and lets herself imagine it, because she's told herself that it's OK.  Imagining and pretending are allowed.

Aren’t they?

He leans down, their foreheads almost touching and even though he doesn’t lay a hand on her he suddenly feels closer to her than he ever has before.  Like she’s let go of something for a moment.  He watches her - she's standing there with her eyes closed and it washes right over him.   

There’s definitely something here.  I’m not imagining it.

Thrilled by the realization and though he wants nothing more to close the distance between them he hesitates and stops himself, not wanting, not willing to be the one to ruin it.

Tonight, for both of them, swaying has to be enough.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The next day he's back to reality and in an effort to protect himself he tries to make a joke again. 

It comes out all wrong.  But that's probably because he wan't really kidding in the first place.

She stands up and walks away, her mouth set in a furious frown.  He’s hurt her and Jim knows that sometimes he does it so that maybe she’ll finally see how Roy treats her. 

She’s so smart and quick about so much else, he doesn’t understand how she can be so blind.

Later, when he’s being interviewed in front of the cameras, they ask about his worst date he’s instantly reminded of that day a few years ago.  On days like yesterday and nights like last night he briefly forgets that he knows with all certainty that she’s really taken. 

On nights like last night he almost lets himself believe it’s not true again.

He thinks the crew might see right through him, and part of him wants them to.  They always seem to bring her up when he’s in here.  Maybe the camera is catching something to give him proof that he’s not crazy.

Because he knows it and even if she won’t admit it, if last night is any indication, he’s pretty sure she knows it too.

He doesn’t feel guilty at all for canceling on Katy at the last minute. 

He knows for a fact that he’s just had the second best “first” date of his life.