There was no sudden revelation that she was cheating on him. He didn’t accidentally find a piece of paper with a strange number hidden in her jacket pocket. He didn’t answer her cell phone and startle the other man. There were no expensive gifts, no whiffs of unfamiliar cologne, no pitying glances at parties. She didn’t start lying about her schedule or sneaking out of the apartment to make secretive phone calls. Then again, he never really asked her about her day, and if he came home to find their apartment empty, he didn’t think much of it. She could be anywhere she wanted with anyone she wanted, and she wouldn’t need to think up a plausible excuse because he didn’t ask. So he really didn’t need a big gut-churning moment or a colossal slip-up to discover her infidelity. Somehow, he just always knew. In fact, it never really occurred to him that she wouldn’t end up cheating.
It was probably his fault. She moved for him (again). She trusted him (again). She thought distance and time could erase years of painful longing, apparently not pausing to realise he’d tried this before and it didn’t work then, either. Or maybe she just thought New York was bigger and better than Stamford, that Connecticut couldn’t make him forget but New York could. She didn’t stop think that she was his security blanket now just as she had been their first day back in Scranton. “I’m kind of seeing someone” just became “We’re moving to New York,” but it was the same thing, really. By wrapping himself in Karen, he could avoid getting hurt again. She protected him from taking another chance, another big risk. He didn’t have to lay his heart on the line again because he had a girlfriend. A really great, wonderful girlfriend. A really great, wonderful girlfriend who was seeing other men on the side now.
Sometimes he wasn’t even sure he cared about her infidelity. He could hardly blame her for seeking out someone else’s company when he wasn’t really around anyway. He might be there physically, but he hadn’t been the same since that September trip to Scranton. When they stopped having sex, he just automatically assumed she would start seeing someone else. He wasn’t giving her anything she needed, so why shouldn’t she look elsewhere?
He felt guilty, though. He felt horrible for being so complacent about the idea of her sleeping with another man. He shouldn’t be relieved, he shouldn’t be grateful every time he came home and she wasn’t there. Wasn’t he supposed to be angry? Wasn’t he supposed to want to hunt the other man down and kill him? The first time he really consciously thought of her having an affair, he had the nerve to feel comforted by the idea that it was no longer him who needed to please her. It was wrong and he was disgusted with himself, so he decided to test the waters a little, to try to prove to himself he did care. He woke her up with kisses that night and tried to get her to respond. She did, initially, but as soon as it was over, she went back to her side of the bed and he went back to his.
He didn’t try again after that, but he did start to wonder why she was still here. They obviously weren’t happy, but they weren’t married, either. There was no real reason for her to stay, except for this facsimile of a life they worked so hard to create. In public, they were that couple. They were the poster children for happy, healthy relationships. Around their friends and at the fancy parties, they created this aura of young lovely bliss, then went home, found a reason to scream at each other, and fell asleep with a wide chasm between them. Maybe she just didn’t want everyone to know he wasn’t the amazing boyfriend she made him out to be. Maybe she just didn’t want everyone to know she couldn’t keep him in love. And most of all, she probably didn’t want to admit all this time had been a complete and utter waste of her life.
But he wasn’t sure he could be the one to leave. Call it obligation. Call it misguided loyalty. Call it fear or habit or maybe even self-inflicted punishment. He just couldn’t bring himself to pack up his things and tell her he was leaving. Maybe he should be the bigger man and let go since it was clear she couldn’t, but he asked her to come here, asked her to make a life with him in this city. He would stay miserable forever if it would ease his guilt just a little. So he didn’t begrudge her a relationship on the side. Maybe he should, maybe he should fight for her, but God, he was just so tired. He didn’t want to fight anymore. For anything.
He found himself thinking about all these things around one o’clock on a Wednesday afternoon while he shared lunch with David Wallace. The CFO was older than him, but he was probably his closest friend, maybe because he saw through all the bullshit better than anyone else. They usually went to lunch at least once a week, and David had really taught him the ropes of working in a corporate office. “Are you okay, Jim?” his mentor asked him.
“Hm?” he asked, looking up and realising the other man was waiting for him to respond to something.
“I asked you if you were able to get Michael to give you the sales numbers for last month.”
“Oh, yeah,” he nodded. He had, after about twenty minutes of lame jokes followed by another twenty minutes of listening to rather intimate details about his relationship with Jan. Normally he would share that with David, just for the usual laugh, but he found himself remaining silent today.
“Are you alright?” David asked him in concern.
“Yeah, fine. Why?”
“You’re a million miles away today. What’s going on?”
“It’s nothing,” he shook his head automatically. That response was as natural as breathing to him now.
“Yeah, right,” David laughed shortly. “Seriously, what’s wrong? Are you and Karen having problems?”
“Karen’s cheating on me.”
He didn’t even realise he’d said it out loud until David dropped his fork in surprise. “What?” he asked incredulously.
“David, I…wow. I totally did not mean to tell you that.”
“Karen’s cheating on you?” he repeated.
It was really too late now to take it back, and he would just look like an asshole if he tried to pass it off as a joke. “Yeah. Um, she has been for…months. I think.”
“Jim,” David said seriously, obviously bothered by his lack of emotion on the subject.
“Look, it’s not…I really didn’t mean to tell you about it. It’s not your problem, and it’s not a big deal. I can handle it. I am handling it,” he assured him, anxious to put the topic to rest and talk business or sports or anything besides his relationship problems.
“How long have you known about this?” David asked him instead.
He considered for just a moment and decided maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to confide in someone. He stopped talking so long ago he’d almost forgotten how. He missed the give and take of conversation, the sharing of problems, the advice and comfort from another human being. He probably needed it, and if it was going to be someone, it might as well be David Wallace. Even with his perfect home and his perfect family, David would understand. Even though David loved his job and loved his wife, he would have some perspective on the situation, maybe be able to tell him what to do. “Well, I think it started around October or November. And I think I’ve pretty much known the whole time.”
“I don’t get it,” the CFO shook his head. “You’ve known all along?”
“I don’t know who it is. I don’t know the details. I don’t know when or how often. But we haven’t slept together in months, and she doesn’t care. I don’t, either, honestly. We don’t talk to each other when we don’t have to. Sometimes we still go out and we have a decent time, but it’s like two casual acquaintances. And then we come home and find a reason to hate each other again.”
“Oh my God,” the other man shook his head. “I had no idea. You two seemed so happy together. What started all this?”
“I went back to Scranton.”
Those five words opened a floodgate. Suddenly he was telling David everything, starting with Pam’s first day at the office and the way he noticed her immediately. While Michael was showing her around, he found himself watching the shy, uncertain way she tucked her hair behind her ear and the look of shock and bemusement on her face when he said something particularly offensive. He saw something then, in those very first moments, that told him she would be his friend, his ally, his refuge from the insanity of this place. So he told David about their lunches, about their date that turned out not to be a date. He told him about pranking Dwight and secret smiles and stolen moments and grilled cheese sandwiches on the roof. While David just stared and listened, he talked about the agony of watching her plan her wedding, knowing it was the wrong guy and that the right guy was just a few feet away. He felt tears in his eyes by the time he got to Casino Night and his hushed confession in the parking lot. And the more of the story he told, the less and less he understood how he actually left her in Pennsylvania without making one last try, taking one last chance.
“I was waiting for her to make the next move,” he confessed. “I guess you might fire me for this, but it was Karen’s idea for us to interview for the job. I wanted to make her happy. I knew coming to New York would make her happy, even if I was the one that got the job and she had to find a new one. I knew this would be a way to prove to her that I was committed to this. But a part of me also hoped it would make Pam realise she was really going to lose me. I’m honestly not sure which part was bigger, but I have a pretty good guess,” he admitted. “I wanted Pam to beg me not to go. But she didn’t, so here I am.”
David nodded slowly, thoughtfully, allowing all the information to sink in. “So let me ask you something,” he said after a moment. “It might sound a little familiar. Where do you see yourself in ten years?”
“Right now? I see myself right here with Karen, just as miserable as we are now,” he answered honestly.
“Why? Why not go back to Scranton and at least try to make it right?”
“Pam and I have hurt a lot of people, but mostly we’ve hurt each other. There’s no coming back from that.”
“So you’re punishing yourself,” David surmised. “You didn’t do it all perfectly, so you’re going to stay miserable.”
“Pretty much,” he nodded. “I keep thinking Karen will leave. She’s obviously found someone else, someone who pays attention to her and can look at her without thinking of the girl he lost.”
“Maybe she’s punishing you.”
“That feels about right.”
David obviously didn’t know what to say to that, so he just took another bite of his sandwich. After a long awkward moment, Jim took a bite of his lunch as well, and the conversation was carefully set aside for another day, another time. They spent the rest of their lunch break talking about college basketball and their latest sales numbers. Later that afternoon in a meeting, one of the other executives mentioned an upcoming meeting in Scranton. That was his area and everyone knew it, but no one asked any questions when David asked someone else to go.
As soon as the meeting ended, he went back to his office and stared out the window. He liked to think he was looking towards Scranton, but all he could see were buildings glistening with snow. The truth was, Scranton was a long way away, too far for him to see, too far for him to reach. He could never really go back, no matter how many meetings he went to, no matter how many times he had to set foot in that office. The joys and hurts of the past could be revisited in memory, not in life. Here, this job, this city, this woman….this was what he had, this was what he chose. He needed to find a way to live with it. Maybe tonight he should take Karen out to dinner and ask her about the other man. Maybe if he pretended like he cared, he eventually would. Maybe hearing her talk about someone else would fire up something near an emotion. Anger, despair, jealousy…he would take anything over this numbness.
On a whim, he made reservations at one of the first restaurants they found when they moved here. Perhaps it would remind them both of better times, times when the city felt full of promise and their relationship was fresh and exciting and happy. On the way home, he stopped at the florist’s and picked up some flowers, hoping they might brighten the usually dark mood in their apartment.
She looked more than surprised when she flung open the door, tossed her purse, kicked off her shoes, and nearly ran head-first into him. “Jesus, what the f-”
“Hey,” he greeted warmly, ignoring the expletive she was about to mutter and placing his hands securely on her tiny shoulders. He’d almost forgotten how good she felt beneath his hands, how warm and soft and just so lovely.
She narrowed her eyes suspiciously and glanced around the apartment. “What did you break?”
“Nothing,” he laughed, bending down to kiss her lightly on the lips. She seemed irritated at first, then slowly began to respond to his playful nips until their kiss became passionate and almost lustful.
“Umm….” was all she managed when they parted.
“You’re articulate tonight.”
“And you’re…different.”
Not really, but trying, he thought to himself. “Let’s go out to dinner,” he murmured. “I made reservations at Patsy’s.”
“Patsy’s?”
“Patsy’s,” he confirmed, smiling wide as her eyes lit up. Patsy’s really wasn’t anything all that special, but it was romantic and meaningful for them. They used to eat there all the time during the heady days of summer, often calling in for reservations after a day of shopping or visiting museums and galleries. They drank too much wine and always split dessert, and he always made sure her half was bigger.
“You really-”
“If you keep asking me questions, we’re not going to make our reservations.”
She smiled a truly beautiful smile and practically bounded into the bedroom to change. He had already changed his own clothes and waited patiently for her in the living room, quietly watching sports highlights and listening to the jazz music spilling from the stereo in their bedroom. Tonight was going to be a good night.
They held hands in the cab to Patsy’s, and he pulled out her chair for her at the restaurant. They shared appetizers and talked about their days, already halfway through a bottle of her favourite cabernet. He didn’t really like cabernet, much preferring the lighter tannins of a merlot or pinot noir, but he didn’t need to bring that up tonight. Tonight he would drink cabernet and pretend that he was enjoying it as much as she was. Tonight he wouldn’t argue with her or try to make her angry. Tonight he would try for her, try to be the man she wanted so badly for him to be. And then maybe she would be the woman he thought she might be, the one who could make him forget the past and look forward into the future without fear or regret or longing.
For a while, it worked. For a while he could forget about the mistakes he made and see what was right in her smile and her laugh. For a few brief moments, it was summer again. After ordering the main course, however, their light, bubbly conversation began to fade, the blissful summer replaced with the reality of winter. They weren’t happy, they weren’t hopeful, they weren’t young and in love with each other and the world around them. They were stuck, and they were miserable. He took a long slow sip of his wine and stared at her over the rim of his glass. “Will you tell me his name?” he requested softly.
She didn’t blink or look away. “Does it matter?”
“I’m not sure,” he answered honestly. “I hope so, though. I mean…I want it to.”
“Do you?” she asked sceptically.
“Yes.”
She eyed him carefully for a moment, a strange mixture of hope and doubt in her expression. “Anthony,” she said evenly. “His name is Anthony.”
“Anthony,” he repeated, not sure he really believed her. “Seriously?” he raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah,” she laughed. “Seriously.”
“Wow, that’s…”
“Appropriate? Maybe a little cliché?”
“Probably a lot cliché, actually.”
She laughed again, and anyone else listening in on this conversation would think they were insane. “He’s a friend of the family,” she added after a moment. “He called me when we first moved, but I didn’t call him back until after….well, until after.”
“October?” he asked.
“Yeah,” she nodded. “October.”
“Just him?”
“Do you really want to know this?” she asked in surprise.
“Strangely, yes.”
“There was someone else,” she admitted. “A guy who works in the building. But it didn’t last long. A couple of weeks.”
“Okay,” he nodded slowly, taking it all in. He still wished he could summon some kind of emotions on the subject, but he still felt so blank. He knew it mattered. He knew it was a big deal. And he knew it would probably help them get through this if he would get mad at her and yell at her and call her terrible names.
“It doesn’t mean anything, Jim.”
“Then why are you doing it?” he asked. He needed to know. Needed to understand.
“Because you’re doing it to me,” she answered simply. “How petty of me, right?”
“I’m not cheating on you, Karen,” he shook his head seriously. “I’ve never cheated on you.”
“Is that what you think?” she asked incredulously.
“I’m serious. I have never been unfaithful.”
“There’s a lot more to fidelity than sex. You went to Scranton and you never came back.”
She couldn’t know it, but she inadvertently sent him back in time to a memory he tried so hard to forget. “The real reason I went to Stamford is because I wanted to be…not here.”
“I know.”
“And even though I came back, I just feel like I never really…came back.”
“Well, I wish you would.”
But he hadn’t, had he? In fact, he’d done the very opposite. But maybe it was time to stop running and just face something for once in his life. Maybe he couldn’t go back and do it over and choose Pam instead, but he could work things out with Karen. He could look forward with courage and be a real man, accept his responsibility for this and do everything he could to make it right again. “I want to come back, Kar,” he said earnestly, reaching across the table to take her hand and squeeze her tiny fingers in his.
“I don’t know if you can. I don’t know if we can.”
“We can try. Don’t you want that?” he asked pleadingly.
“Yes,” she nodded. “I do. But you have to say the words, Jim. Do you understand?”
“I want to try again,” he said without hesitation, surprising even himself with the sincerity behind his words. “I want to be with you and I want you to stop seeing him.”
“Okay then,” she agreed with a slow nod. “I’ll call him tomorrow.”
They stopped talking about Anthony after that. He knew she would make the call first thing in the morning. So they talked about other things, about the future. Maybe they could go visit David and Rachel this weekend, or get tickets to that show she’d been dying to see. Next week they had a three-day weekend, so maybe they could go to her parents’ and spend the weekend curled up inside drinking wine and making plans for spring. He had a business trip to California next month, so maybe she could take a few days off work and join him.
They ordered dessert as usual, one plate and two forks. He split it right down the middle, then took a slice of his and scooted it over to her side and watched the corner of her lips lift upwards. They finished off the wine, and then he helped her with her coat. She sidled up close to him as they slipped out into the frigid January night, and he wrapped his arm tightly around her. He didn’t feel so unbearably cold tonight. The city felt alive once more.
“Hey, look,” she said happily on the ride home, pointing out the window. “It’s snowing.”
“Yeah,” he smiled, turning slightly to drop a kiss to the top of her head. “It’s snowing.”
“It’s so pretty,” she sighed happily, nestling a little deeper into his shoulder.
The moment was nearly perfect, and for the first time in months, he felt something. He was almost overwhelmed by the depth of his feelings for her, the sudden tenderness he felt for her. And he realised in that moment that this was right, this was good, this was growing up. He resisted maturity for so long, even as he played the part of a real adult with a real job and a real relationship. A part of him had always been afraid of real adulthood and never really let go of that fear, not certain he would ever be ready to face it. But this was his life, and he couldn’t go back, only forward. “Maybe we should get married,” he found himself saying.
She immediately grew tense in his arms. “Jim,” she scolded. “You can’t just…you can’t just say things like that.”
“I’m not,” he answered, deadly serious.
“Really?”
“Really,” he confirmed. “I want things to be right again, Kar. I want us to be happy again. I know we can make it work out, and I want you to know, I’m committed to this. I don’t have a ring, I wasn’t planning this, but just…let’s get married.”
She looked up at him, her eyes searching his. “Okay,” she finally nodded. “Okay.”
There was no sudden revelation that she was cheating on him. But with one sudden revelation, everything changed.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed! I really appreciate it! Just remember when you read this chapter that things must always get worse before they get better...let me know what you think!
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks again for reading! You all are the best!
