The next few hours seemed to be a blur, the doctors explained what they could about what had happened and that they weren't sure what could have caused it. The baby would have been lost too had they not operated immediately. Jim was at a loss for words, there were so many things going through his mind, he thought he was in a weird dream. He didn't want to leave with the baby who was staying the night in the nursery to be monitored. He was fine so far and appeared to be healthy, but the doctors wanted to keep him for at least another 12 hours. Normally a baby stayed in the hospital with the mother; in this case, he could go home in the morning if everything checked out.
Pam stood by his side as he spoke to the doctors, when he told his parents they could go home and she even stayed the night with him. The nurses gave them some pillows and blankets, the lounge was empty and had a couch and some arm chairs, Pam sat with Jim on the couch. They were sitting silently for long stretches of time since the doctors first gave them the news, they didn't know what to say, could you say anything? They spoke a few times, but it was just nonsense, they were just trying to process everything that happened in the last few hours. They went over to the nursery and looked at the sleeping baby through the glass a few times. Jim even went in one time and held him while he was awake, and Pam went to get them some coffee.
Jim's head started pounding at one point so Pam made him lay down and she got him some aspirin. He was extremely tired and actually fell asleep as Pam ran her hands through his hair as he laid there, his long legs stretched out in front of him and hanging over the arm of the couch. She was sitting in an arm chair next to him and watched as he slept. Pam felt some relief and hoped he could get some descent rest; he would definitely need it for what lay ahead.
Pam was feeling so many emotions at one point she thought she might explode her mind was racing which really didn’t help. She felt her heart break for that little baby who didn't have a mother anymore, for Jim who was now probably feeling so terrified at not having a mother for his child. She also felt guilty for all the times that she felt jealous of Lisa. Now she was gone and she would never get to hold her son or even look at him. It was getting late and Pam felt tired, she closed her eyes and begged for sleep. She wasn't comfortable but the exhaustion helped, she finally drifted off.
Jim hadn't slept for very long, he woke up after only 2 hours, and Pam was asleep in the chair next to him. He was still in shock over Lisa but he was doing much better than before. He stood up and stretched and then made his way down the hall toward the nursery while rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He stood there looking down at the baby's all sleeping soundly in the dimmed lighting, his eyes came to rest on a little blue and white bundle, the front of his bassinet reading Halpert – It's a Boy! Jim smiled at the sight of his son, he was so tiny and fragile, he was sucking on a pacifier, his little mitten covered hands were sticking out of his blanket. He started to move around and the pacifier dropped from his mouth and he started to cry. Jim felt an immediate need to rush in and comfort him, the nurse who was at the counter turned when the baby started crying, she noticed Jim watching him when she turned around. Once she had his pacifier back in his mouth, she stepped out of the room for a moment.
"Sir, did you want to come in and hold him?"
"Oh, I don't know, um…shouldn't he be sleeping?"
"Well, he's awake now, and he's been sleeping since we put him down earlier. He may be up for a bit and it's actually good for them. You know, the contact and everything really soothes them."
"Okay, thanks"
"Good, let's just keep quiet and here put this on. And then come on in okay?...I'm Nurse Suzy by the way" She handed him a disposable gown from the nearby cart to put on over his clothes; he put it on and went inside. He washed his hands as directed and then took a seat. Nurse Suzy was holding the baby already who was wide awake, Jim sat in one of the rocking chairs and then he took the baby in his arms. He looked up at Jim with his blue eyes and just stared at him, he was moving his little hands around in the air, one of the mittens came undone. Jim held out his pinky and he grabbed it and held on. Jim was just watching him in awe as he held onto his pinky with his little hand. Nurse Suzy's voice shook him out of his thoughts.
"He should probably have a bottle; do you want to feed him?"
"Sure, thanks."
"Here you go; I'd burp him after say…one ounce."
"Okay"
Jim removed the pacifier and replaced it with the bottle; he started to drink right away. It didn't take long for him to need a burping; Jim held his son against his chest as the nurse showed him and pat his back firmly, but not hard. He was afraid he'd hurt him, but soon got the hang of it. Once he let it out the small noise Jim gave him some more of the bottle. It wasn't long after that he was sound asleep again. He started to rock slowly in the chair and watched him sleep.
Pam woke up and noticed Jim was not there, the nurse at the desk pointed toward the nursery when she stepped out of the lounge looking around. She walked down the hall and noticed Jim was inside holding his son and rocking in a chair. She felt an ache in her chest as she watched him with the baby and she knew why she was so in love with him. She stood there captivated by the scene and just watched. Jim didn't look sad at all while looking at the baby, he actually looked happy. Pam felt like maybe she was intruding at one point but just couldn't help it.
Jim didn't want to put him down, but he felt his eyes start to droop. He stood up and walked toward the cradle and bent slightly to lower him gently inside. As he set him down, he looked up to see Pam watching him from the hall. She had a sweet smile on her face but looked slightly dazed. She was suddenly aware that he had stood up and was looking right at her; she smiled with a flush to her cheek and looked away. He returned her smile and turned to thank the nurse. When he stepped outside a moment later, Pam was still standing there by the window, now looking down at the sleeping boy. She was fidgeting slightly and a little embarrassed that he'd caught her staring at him.
"Hey" he said as he walked toward her.
"Hey, I um…I woke up and you weren't there so the nurses told me you were over here."
"I just couldn't sleep anymore so I came over for a peek and then the nurse said I could hold him."
"He's really beautiful Jim; he does look like you too."
"You think so huh?" She just nodded, still smiling and she reached out for his hand.
"How's your head?" she asked as he laced his fingers with hers.
"Much better, not the best, but better."
"Good…" she let out a long yawn.
"C'mon, looks like we could both use some more sleep." He said as he turned them back toward the lounge.
"Mm."
Pam climbed onto the couch after Jim insisted he'd already had a turn to stretch out. She fell fast asleep as Jim sat in the chair next to her. He watched her sleep and fell more in love with her and marveling at the fact that she didn't run away. She'd been his rock all night and for the past few weeks really. Exhausted, Jim slid down further in the chair and put his head back, he eventually fell into a thankfully dreamless sleep while thinking of Pam and his son and that he loved them both so much.
The next morning Pam could hear Jim's voice, she thought it might be a pleasant dream, and then she remembered where she was. She kept her eyes closed and just listened to his voice. He was speaking softly and obviously to the baby,
"Well pal, looks like it's gonna be you and me…I'm sorry about that, your mommy sure wanted to meet you." Pam's heart broke for them both and felt tears spring to her eyes. He continued, "But we're not all alone we have grandma and grandpa, you met them last night, and your uncle Jon, aunt Lizzy…yeah...and then there's Pam. She's awesome, you're gonna love her, and I think she likes you already, so you're really lucky….If I'm lucky maybe she'll stick around." His voice was almost a whisper as he trailed off.
She couldn't help the tears that finally started to pour from her eyes, she felt bad now for eavesdropping, but she was glad she'd heard him. She wanted him to know that she wasn't going anywhere. She lay there silently pretending to still be asleep so he wouldn't know she'd heard everything. Finally Pam wiped her eyes and took a breath as she rolled over and stretched.
"Oh! good morning" she said while she sat up.
"Hey" his voice was still low and soft like he was still talking to the baby.
"Have you been up for a while?" he cleared his throat.
"Not too long, just having a chat with little Nate here." Pam leaned forward and looked at the baby who stared at her with wide eyes.
"Hi there Nate! Welcome to the world little guy. My name's Pam." She was smiling down at him; his little arm came up toward her like he was waving at her. Pam held his tiny hand with her thumb pressed to his palm and shook it.
"I think he likes you."
"He's not so bad either." She looked up at Jim, "want some coffee?"
"Actually I already got it, right there." He pointed to a cup on the table in front of her.
"Oh, thank you."
"I ran down to get it when they took care of his circumcision. He was screaming when they brought him back out. I got him to calm down though."
"Aw, poor little guy"
"Tell me about it, you have no idea Pam. They gave me all this ointment and stuff for his…you know, and special diaper instructions for his belly button."
"Yeah, you got to help it shrivel until it falls off. Weird huh?"
"Yeah, I only skimmed through those chapters in my book, figured there was more time to read them." His face fell after that, Pam reached out and touched his arm and he gave her a sad smile.
"Is there anything I can do?" Jim just shrugged what could anyone do now he wondered. He knew he wanted to ask her to stay with him and help him, but he couldn't expect Pam to drop everything suddenly and be his child's mother.
"What about…Lisa?"
"I honestly don't really know, I guess I have to make some calls, and like, funeral plans…"
"We'll figure it out Jim; I'm not going anywhere, okay?" She gave his arm a squeeze as he just nodded sadly.
"Thanks."
"No need to thank me Jim, seriously, we're in this together."
Jim didn't know what to say to that, Pam had really been an amazing comfort through all of this and he knew he would not be getting through this without her. He just nodded again and then they sat there in silence, the baby had fallen asleep, so Jim just sat and held him. Pam sipped her coffee and thought about what her future might hold while she looked at Jim. She wasn't sure where things would go with her and Jim and now, could she take Lisa's place in Nate's life and be his mother?
Not much later, his parents arrived; they had stopped at his apartment for some of the baby's clothes, his snow suit, the car seat and some blankets. Jim's mother dressed the baby and bundled him up while Jim finished the paperwork. He felt a great sadness when he signed the birth certificate, next to mother it had Lisa's name and "deceased" where her signature should have gone. Jim still couldn't believe all that was happening, but he finished everything up and they made their way home.
Jim and his mother went to arrange the funeral while his father stayed with the baby and Pam went home to shower and get some rest. She was still fairly tired and Jim insisted she go home to do whatever she needed. After her shower she tried to fall asleep but she just couldn't, she had been tossing and turning. She couldn't stop thinking about Jim and the baby, she felt like they might need her, Pam packed up a bag and headed back to Jim's. With them trying to take things slow and now all that had happened, she wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not, but she wanted to help him, needed to really. She decided that she would just stay on the couch and help Jim in any way she could. She stopped for sandwiches on the way, when she pulled up to Jim's, his parents were stepping out of the door.
"Hi."
"Hi Pam." his mother greeted her warmly.
"Hi Pam, I'm going to go and start the car." Mr. Halpert told his wife as he stepped off of the porch.
"How's he doing?"
"Good, he's just trying to get the baby to sleep."
"Did he eat lunch?"
"No, he's pretty tired, maybe after a nap though."
"Yeah, okay well I'll see you soon I guess?"
"Sure will. And thanks for being here for him; I really appreciate it."
"It's no problem really…I would do anything for him." His mother pulled her into a hug before saying goodbye.
Pam stepped inside after saying goodbye but Jim was nowhere in sight. She set her bag on the counter, put the food in the fridge, slipped her shoes off and walked quietly down the hall. She peeked into Jim's room and her heart melted at the sight. Jim was stretched out on his back, his hands protectively holding Nate to his chest, they were both asleep. She crept into the room and placed a blanket over them. Jim's eyes slowly opened when he felt Pam's hand graze his.
"Hey." he whispered.
"Sorry, thought you might get cold." she matched his hushed tone so not to wake the baby.
"No, s'okay" Jim's voice was low and gravelly, as he stood up and placed the baby into the bassinet next to his bed. He sat back down hung his head and ran his hands through his hair as he let out a sigh. Jim looked up at her as she spoke;
"I know you need to get some sleep, I tried to at home but I couldn't. Go ahead and lay back down, I'll go watch TV or something."
Jim reached out for her hand as she turned away, "Pam," when she looked down at his face she stepped toward him, wanting to comfort him and take away his pain and his bruises. She ran her fingers across his brow; he closed his eyes as she caressed his cheek and then ran her right index finger lightly over the cut on his lip. He leaned his head forward and rested it against her stomach as he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her to stand between his legs, Pam's hands were now rubbing slow circles on his back and she was overwhelmed at his vulnerability. She stood there waiting for him to say something or move, he just held her there, so she held him tighter. She loved him so much and his pain was almost too much to bear. She felt so powerless not knowing how to comfort him really, suddenly she heard him near a whisper, "will you stay with me?"
Pam couldn't say no if she wanted to, she released the tight grasp she had on him and silently climbed onto the bed, Jim laid back down to face her, she looked at his eyes they were so open and full of worry or sadness, maybe both. She placed her hand on his cheek;
"I'm so sorry……You don't deserve any of this."
"Pam, I'm scared, what if I screw up? How can I take care of a baby? I just…" he closed his eyes and rubbed a hand over his face.
"I think you're going be an amazing father, Jim." She took his hand in hers, he kept his eyes closed.
"I just…I don't think I can do this on my own."
"You won't have to…. I meant what I said today, we're in this together." She then placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. He opened his eyes and held her stare, "no matter what, I'm here."
Jim couldn't reply, she had said the same thing earlier and he'd had the same reaction, totally speechless. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. Their legs were tangled together and they were chest to chest. Jim closed his eyes again and breathed her in. They both fell asleep almost immediately and stayed in the same position for the next 3 hours. Pam was having a dream and then suddenly a cry ripped through the room. She and Jim both shot up from the bed, Jim was closer so he scooped a screaming Nate into his arms.
"Hey pal, what's going on?" he asked softly as he rubbed the baby's back.
"He may need a diaper change." Pam said as she was rubbing her eyes and walking toward the door, she returned a moment later with everything they needed, the baby was still crying after he was cleaned up, Pam went and made him a bottle as Jim tried to calm him. Once he was fed he fell back to sleep, Jim placed him back in the bassinet and joined Pam in the kitchen. They ate the sandwiches she brought over, and Jim was thankful; he hadn't realized how hungry he was. It was the first time he'd eaten since lunch time the day before. They sat on the couch and watched a movie as it grew darker outside. Jim had his arm on the back of the couch his fingers absently twirling in the back of her hair.
The baby started crying at one point, Jim brought him out to the living room and rocked him gently until his cries stopped, and they finished the movie while taking turns holding the baby. Pam noticed he was wet and needed another diaper change so she carried him in the other room and took care of it. Jim insisted she didn't have to do it, but she just waved him off. She really felt a need to take care of him; she even fed him his bottle and rocked him back to sleep. She went and placed him in the bassinet next to Jim's bed, when she came back out Jim was yawning and his eyes were drooping.
"Jim, I think it's time you went to bed."
"No, I'm okay since we had that nap…unless you want to leave." He sounded hopeful that she would say she was staying for a while longer. She smiled sheepishly at him, "Uh…"
"What?"
"Well….I actually brought a bag to stay over."
"Really?" Jim sounded surprised and somewhat relieved.
"Yeah, it's in the corner over there….I just figured your parents wouldn't be staying the night and this is the first night with the baby at home. I thought you might need some help."
"That's really awesome but I can't ask you to-"
"You don't have to ask…I'd be happy to stay….But if you want I can go."
"No! Please, stay, it's just…I didn't expect..."
"I can stay on the couch and everything I just thought with… you know, everything; you could probably use the company."
"Yeah I could…wow, so how do we do this? Did you bring nail polish and hair products?" Pam slapped him playfully on the arm and she grabbed her bag and headed toward the bathroom, "I'm going to just change."
Jim felt so relieved that she wanted to stay and help him and just keep him company, he did need it. When he wasn't thinking about how horrible the last 24 hours had been, he was thinking of how scary everything else now was. He decided to lighten the tension with a joke. He and Pam have been dating but it's only been a few weeks and he really was freaked out about Lisa and everything right now, he felt so many things.
Jim followed her lead and he went into his room and changed, the baby was sound asleep next to the bed. Jim felt so relaxed at the moment, the baby was asleep and Pam was keeping him company. He was still having a hard time dealing; he knew a good night's sleep would help. He went in and brushed his teeth after Pam came out wearing flannel pajama bottoms and a long sleeve t-shirt, her hair was down and spilling around her shoulders. Jim stepped in and brushed his teeth and then went back to the living room to find Pam lying on the couch, she had pulled the throw over herself and she was curled up into a ball, she had a pillow under her head. Her eyes were closed but she knew she was far from sleep, no matter how tired she felt. She knew where she wanted to be, she just wasn't sure it was the best idea right now.
"Pam, you can't sleep out here, the couch isn't even that comfy."
"I'm fine, really. Go to sleep and I'll see you in the morning."
"Pam...."
"Goodnight, Jim" she said it sweetly but with finality to her voice as she closed her eyes and sighed as though she were content and ready for sleep. Jim headed to the closet and brought out an afghan, he placed it over Pam and whispered good night. He went into his room, climbed into bed and pulled the covers over himself. He was tossing and turning for at least an hour until Pam climbed into bed next to him, "Hey, what's wrong?"
"I couldn't sleep out there."
"I told you that couch isn't that comfy."
"The couch is fine….I just want to be near you…" She snuggled closer to him and put her arm around his waist; his arms instantly were around her, "why are you still awake?"
"Not sure…same reason as you I guess." He said into her hair.
They fell silent and both drifted off to sleep rather quickly. Pam awoke in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, she crept silently to the bathroom and then she slid back into bed next to Jim. As she was laying there trying to fall back to sleep she heard the baby start to move around. Pam braced herself for a cry as she got up to look in on him in his bed, his blankets had shifted, he was only half covered and he was awake looking up at her. Pam pulled his blanket back over him and placed his pacifier in his mouth. He closed his eyes and Pam was able to relax, she climbed into bed again and fell asleep.
The baby's cries woke them both up the next morning around 6 am. Jim joked that Dwight got his wish, this boy was no slacker, he was an early bird. Jim made a bottle as Pam changed the diaper this time; she knew he'd need the practice. She wasn't living here and she wouldn't be here every morning, tomorrow she had work, Jim would surely not be going in this week and would more than likely be here with the baby himself. After his morning bottle the baby drifted off again, Jim and Pam both decided it might be smart to sleep when he sleeps, Nate was back in the cradle and they were cuddled back up in the bed. They were able to sleep for 2 more hours before Nate woke them up again.
Finally having a better grip on things after letting it sink in, Pam went through Lisa's address book and cell phone contacts to let people know what had happened and about the funeral arrangements. Jim called Mark, who was very upset by the news. They spent most of the day trying to stay positive and focusing on Nate, but he mostly slept, aside from feedings and diaper changes. Pam assured Jim it was normal, she had spent the first few days her niece was home from the hospital at her mom's house and visiting her sister. "Sorry to say, they don't get to be too much fun for a little while."
"Well, if he sticks with me, I'll have him pranking Dwight in no time."
After Jim said that he realized he hadn't called Michael yet to say his vacation days needed to start this week. Pam assured him she would handle Michael and anything to do with work. The phone rang and Jim rushed to the phone before it woke up Nate. He told Pam, his sister Liz, his brother Jon and his wife were all going to be dropping by soon, so she decided to let him have the time with his family and said she would see him tomorrow. Though she felt welcomed by his parents she still felt like somewhat of an outsider when they were around yesterday. He wanted to beg her to stay but didn't want her to think he was dependent on her, though he absolutely felt like he was. She kissed him softly goodbye at the door and slipped out of his embrace reluctantly. "Call me later if you want, and if you need me I can be here in 10 minutes if I have to."
"Thanks ag-" Pam placed her hand over his mouth to silence him.
"If you thank me one more time, I'm going to stop kissing you when I’m here."
Jim smiled and nodded then pressed a kiss to her fingers. She gave him one last peck before she was out the door. As she looked in her rear view mirror she noticed a tall man and a slightly shorter woman climb out of an SUV in the spot she had just vacated. She hadn't met them yet but was sure they were Jim's brother and sister in law. She was glad he wouldn't be there alone he was doing surprisingly well, but she knew he hadn't really processed much yet. There was so much change going on and Pam was really worried about him. She knew he would need her now more than ever, and she was okay with that, she needed him too and they could handle this.
Author's Chapter Notes:
i must say again a BIG thanks to Elly, she is my super-beta, seriously she should have a cape or something! *Hugs from Philly*
Same disclaimer, I do not own a darn bit of the office sadly. Well...aside from dvd's and a serious schrute buck on my desk. But I love them so much.
I'm really enjoying the reviews and feedback. I love this story. Hope you enjoy!
Same disclaimer, I do not own a darn bit of the office sadly. Well...aside from dvd's and a serious schrute buck on my desk. But I love them so much.
I'm really enjoying the reviews and feedback. I love this story. Hope you enjoy!
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading!
