INT – Office, by the accountants.
Kevin and Oscar’s computers ding, signaling a new e-mail.
OSCAR (looking at his computer)
Why would Dwight want us to start calling him Dwichael?
Kevin chuckles.
NATALIE Talking Head:
Dwight has a bad habit of not locking his computer when he leaves his desk. Today, whenever Dwight steps away from his computer, I’ve sent an email from Dwight to the entire office. So far, he’s given his lunch away to Creed, and asked that everyone in the office only refer to him as Dwichael. Next, I suspect that he'll be informing everyone of his desire to have a sex change.
INT – Michael’s Office.
MICHAEL
I started getting back into that one TV show that comes on Thursdays, that one with the whiny doctors and the anorexic chic? And I realized that if I were a character on that show, that I would be the McDreamy doctor. Usually, I’m more of a McSteamy, because he’s good-looking, funny, and gets all the hot nurses. But McDreamy, he’s ready to settle and he’s ready to get married and have kids and a family, and I want all of those things. Well, plus the hot sex. So maybe I’d be both of them. Sort of a… McSteamyDreamy.
PAM (her voice comes through his speakerphone)
Is this all you called me for Michael? I really have to get to class.
MICHAEL
No, that’s… that’s not it, Pam. Actually I need some womanly advice from the one trustworthy woman I know. Mano y mana.
PAM
Michael-
MICHAEL
Jan apparently thinks that it would be okay if her and I were allowed to see other people, even though I am letting her live in my casa, and eat all my Lucky Charms, and use my penis at will. Kind of like Michael Love On-Demand, Cinemax late night special. Jan Levinson Confessions.
PAM
…Ok.
MICHAEL
And tonight, she is going out on a date with a young gentlemen friend that she met while he was bagging her groceries at Gerrity’s.
PAM
How young is he?
MICHAEL
Pam, obviously, I need your advice. What should I do?
PAM
What do you mean?
MICHAEL
Don’t you see, Pam? I am going to be the co-owner of this child, me, Jan, and the sperm supplier. We can’t have four people running this thing, that’s… just, impossible. It never happens. Three Amigos. Three Stooges. Three Muskateers. Three Men and a Baby. Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place. Catch my drift?
PAM
Ok, Michael. Maybe you should just talk to her, and tell her you would rather she don’t see other people.
MICHAEL
Yeah… yeah, I could do that. But I was thinking, maybe… maybe I should start dating somebody else. And then there would be five of us, just like the cast of Friends.
PAM
But there were six friends on Friends-
MICHAEL
No, Ross didn’t count, come on, stay with me Pam!
PAM
Ok, well Michael I really have to get to class. Maybe you could talk to Holly. Or maybe Phyllis could help you.
MICHAEL
Yeah, when’s the last time Phyllis went on a date with anybody, 1942?
PAM
Goodbye, Michael.
MICHAEL
Wait, Pam-
We hear the dial tone.
MICHAEL
She hung up. Ugh. Just… useless. And that is why I got rid of Pam in the first place. What good is it having a receptionist who doesn’t have any helpful relationship advice to give at all? Or at the very least, won’t do you the favor of having sex with you just so I can get back at Jan?
INT – Office.
Dwight is at Phyllis’ desk.
DWIGHT
Do you have the new number for the Lackawanna School District? I need to make contact with a former client of mine.
PHYLLIS
No. Sorry, Dwichael.
DWIGHT
What? What did you call me?
PHYLLIS
I called you Dwichael. I'm sorry, did I pronounce it wrong?
DWIGHT
Why would you call me that? What is that?
PHYLLIS
Because. You asked us to.
DWIGHT
No, I did not. Why would I do such a thing?
PHYLLIS
You sent it in an email to everyone in the office.
DWIGHT
Argh! Dammit, Jim! We have been through this! Alright, attention everybody, disregard whatever email Jim sent you telling everyone to call me Dwichael. Do not listen to anything this floppy-haired pissdemon says to you.
JIM
Wow. That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?
DWIGHT
Zip your lid, Jim. Or you will be shunned.
JIM
Because that would be terrible.
OSCAR
But Dwight, the email was sent from you.
NATALIE
Yeah, and you said you would be going to the social security office tomorrow to legally change your name to Dwichael Scrute hyphen Scott.
Jim turns to Natalie and they share a look.
DWIGHT (pauses to reflect for a moment)
Fine. I’ll look into it. As you were, petty imps.
DWIGHT Talking Head:
It would appear that my computer has developed a brain of its own. This doesn’t come as a surprise. This isn’t the first time that this has happened. The computer’s probably still resentful that I regularly outsell him in paper sales every month, and is looking for revenge. Well think of me as The Terminator, and it’s up to me to stop the machines from exterminating the human race. No. I am Neo, the chosen one, and I have two things to my advantage: Telekinesis and superhuman strength. Also, the ability to fly. And guess who’s gonna win? Oop- spoiler alert, Neo does.
JIM (appears in the doorway of the conference room)
Yeah. He also dies in the end.
DWIGHT
No he doesn’t. He achieves true oneness with the matrix.
In the background just outside the window, Natalie is at Dwight’s computer typing away at his keyboard.
JIM
Well, obviously you didn’t see the movie because if you had seen the movie, you would know Neo dies.
DWIGHT
Please. I’ve watched all three matrices a gazillion billion times. Let me guess how many times you’ve seen it, uh, none times. You know nothing. I don’t have time for this, ok Jim? Some other day, I will educate you on the ways of the matrix and the battle of Zion. Right now, I am a busy man. Not only to I have to protect Natalie from drug lords and mafia family ties, but now all of our lives may be in danger. Excuse me.
INT – Office.
Dwight walks back over to his desk where his desktop wallpaper has been changed to a picture of two lions mating.
DWIGHT
Nice move computer. But this battle isn’t over until I say it’s over. Take THAT! (He changes his wallpaper to the original default of Stonehenge.) A-ha! Who's laughing now? (Shakes his head.) Stupid machines. That's why you will never rule the world.
INT – Reception
Jim walks over to Natalie.
NATALIE
Why is Dwight talking to his computer?
JIM
Because he thinks it’s alive and trying to kill him.
NATALIE
Ah. (She grimaces at her screen.) Ooh!
JIM
What?
NATALIE
Oh, nothing. I’m just following the Red Sox, Royals game on MLB.com.
JIM
Red Sox or Royals?
NATALIE
My parents were born and raised in Boston.
JIM
Really?
NATALIE
Yup.
JIM (in a Bostonian accent)
Did you go to Ha-vad? What color is ya car? Where are you pah-ked? (Natalie laughs.)
NATALIE
Um, ova in East Square-er…
JIM
Wow. That was terrible. Seriously, that was the worst Boston accent I’ve ever heard. (Natalie laughs.)
NATALIE
Like I said, my parents are from Boston. I was raised right outside Pittsburgh.
JIM
Really? And you’re not a Pirates fan?
NATALIE
Ha! Please. Now, the Steelers on the other hand…
JIM
You’re a Steelers fan.
NATALIE
Of course.
JIM
See, that’s where you messed up.
NATALIE
What?
JIM
Nothing, just you and I can no longer be friends anymore.
NATALIE
Ohhh… Eagles fan huh?
JIM
Of course!
NATALIE
How many rings has your team won again? And how many rings have the Steelers won? Five is it?
JIM
Big talk coming from someone who couldn’t even win the wildcard from the Jaguars last year.
NATALIE
Really?
JIM
Uh huh.
NATALIE
And who finished last place in their division last year?
Angela clears her throat as she approaches Natalie’s desk.
ANGELA
Your services are needed for the party planning committee in the conference room. It’s not optional. (She walks away.)
NATALIE
Saint Angelina Martin awaits. This should be fun. In my first party planning meeting, she called me a whore.
JIM
What??
NATALIE
I know! She should know, I’m only a whore outside of work, and what I do outside of work should be left outside of the workplace, right?
JIM
Totally.
NATALIE
I’m joking by the way.
JIM (laughs)
Oh. Well that’s disappointing, I was just starting to think more highly of you.
NATALIE
Don’t you have work to do?
JIM
If by work, you mean resuming my online poker game, already in progress, than yes. I do.
NATALIE (shakes her head as she stands from her chair, holding a notebook)
How you’re one of the top salesmen of this company, I’ll never understand.
JIM
Through my infinite wit and charm.
NATALIE
And modesty.
JIM
Hmm.
NATALIE
Well, don’t pull any tricks on Dwight without me. We all know I’m the brains behind this operation, and we don't want you screwing it up.
JIM
I would never. Not without my favorite whore.
Natalie laughs and walks towards the conference room.
INT - Conference room.
Andy, Angela and Phyllis are already sitting at the table as Natalie enters.
ANDY
There you are, my little Julia Caesar salad.
Angela scowls at Natalie as she takes a seat next to Phyllis.
NATALIE
Andy, I didn't know you were on the party planning committee. I mean, I kind of had a feeling that you were...
ANGELA
Were what, Natalie? Are you looking for another word for... happy or carefree? Are you trying to say that you think Andy is flamboyantly happy?
ANDY
Ladies, ladies. Listen, I know that there might be some jealousy that comes from my decision to become Mr. Andrew Bernard. I can't say I didn't expect this to happen since we all know I was the last, best-looking single man in the office, but no fighting over me, ok? I won't have it. Not unless there's mud or jello involved. (He laughs as Angela rolls her eyes.) For now, let's show a little sisterly love, ok? Because when you think about it, you all come from the same 'hood. Sisterhood. (He grins, nodding his head.) Huh?
ANGELA
Can we just get this over with?
ANDY
Ok, now that that's settled, Angela and I have gathered you ladies together to help with preliminary wedding plans. I already have a couple ideas of what we're looking for, and it all starts with an awesome stag party.
ANGELA
No.
ANDY
What?
ANGELA
No, there will be no bachelor or bachelorette parties, just a simple bridal shower and a wedding at Saint Clares.
NATALIE
Maybe you guys should discuss this between yourselves first.
ANGELA
And maybe you should mind your own skanky little business. Phyllis, why aren't you writing any of this down?
PHYLLIS Talking Head:
I understand why Angela is being more unpleasant than usual. If I slept in the same bed as Andy AND Dwight, well I don't think I would be a very happy person either. (She smirks.)
INT - Conference room.
Angela and Andy have left.
PHYLLIS
I apologize for the way Angela's been acting lately.
NATALIE
Is she not usually like this?
PHYLLIS
No, she's always like this, but it's usually not to this extreme.
NATALIE
Oh.
PHYLLIS
Can I tell you something?
NATALIE
Sure.
PHYLLIS
Angela is a baaad girl.
NATALIE
What do you mean?
PHYLLIS
Well, on the night Andy proposed to Angela, I caught Angela and Dwight here in the office. (Whispers.) They were fornicating.
NATALIE (Gasps.)
What?
PHYLLIS
But don't tell anybody, ok? This was just a little secret girl talk between you and me.
NATALIE
Yeah... Ok.
PHYLLIS (smiles)
I love girl talk.
Phyllis leaves as Natalie sits in shock.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Don't own anything.
Chapter End Notes:
Next chapter will hopefully be up by the end of the day. Reviews would be wonderful!
