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When her feet hit the cold water and the pain started to subside the adrenalin in her veins slowly gave way to a calmness she hadn’t felt in long time. She fully expected to feel embarrassed and shocked at her own confessions but she did not. She felt relaxed and balanced. The still surface of the lake reflected her inner landscape. She was finally at peace with something that had nagged at her for the better part of a year. He needed to be told and now he had been. The look on his face during her streak of confessions had clued her in on how totally oblivious he had actually been. She had realised for the first time how deep a wedge she had dug between them the night she rejected him.
- "I am sorry you misinterpreted our friendship"
The reflection of her own voice had come back to haunt her so many times this past year. That voice must have made him question every thing he had ever thought he could read on her face. She still felt sick thinking about that night. Even after a year of wathcing him and Karen she still didn't feel like she had paid a high enough price for that fatal "I cant". Tonight though….she had taken a step towards the apology she knew she had to make him accept. Even though he might never come back to her, even though he might have moved on for good she needed him to truly and wholeheartedly hear and accept her apology.
He had come back a changed man and little by little she had begun to understand that it was her doing. She had shaken the very foundation he stood on, the core of who he was and what he believed in. She had seen bits and pieces of Jim returning now and then, in a laugh they shared or in a common resigned look over something Michael had said, but he had been quick to draw back into his shell. He had simply tested the waters too afraid to jump in. Afraid he wouldn’t be able to swim.
She had stood in the water for quite some time. She heard the chattering of her co-workers as they collected their belongings and headed for the bus. Michael had obviously given up on finding his replacement and he was now shouting at Dwight to start a search for Andy whom no one had seen since early afternoon. She had heard the low tussle of sand as someone approached the waterside and she had just known it would be him.
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When Michael came back everybody stopped what they were doing and waited for an explanation. A familiar feeling started to grow in Pam’s stomach. Her gut told her this wasn’t going to be good news and for a second she wished a meteor would just crash into Scranton Business Park and stop this scenario from developing. When Michael opened his mouth her worst suspicions were confirmed. Michael would not be taking the corporate job. Michael had most likely screwed up yet again. This time she could find no humour in it, she could find very little compassion for him, all she felt was a growing anger. Anger and fear. A fear that grew for every word Michael spoke.
- So I am back and I am never ever ever going to leave. I am going nowhere.
She heard everything he said, but the level of his voice vent from low to high between her throbbing heartbeats. As his words sank in the anger was quickly replaced by only fear, a gut wrenching, desperately sad and panicked fear that all revolved around Jim never coming back. Of course he would get that job now. She had silently clung to the hope that Michael would be granted the job being the senior of the two, but now nothing stood in Jim’s way. He was lost to Scranton. She zoned out the rest of Michael’s ranting while trying to get a grip on her heart. A heart that was racing so fast she could sense the blood pumping in and out of her slowly shattering heart. Without knowing it she had held her breath hoping it would help her organise her thoughts and form the question she knew she needed to ask. A part of her didn’t want to know, but that part wasn’t in control right now. For a moment the voice of reason and curiosity took the better of her and she asked…
- Did…Karen get the job?
She had meant to ask about Jim, but she just couldn’t. Thinking about her outburst at the beach she had suddenly become self-conscious at the idea of asking after him in front of the entire office. That; and she couldn’t quite see how she could handle it if Michael said yes. Yes, Jim got the job. If she asked about Karen, and he said no, there was still a chance someone else, someone from another branch got the job. It wouldn’t necessary be Jim just because Karen didn’t get it. The fear in her was almost paralyzing and she knew what would follow that fear if it proved real. Ever since she heard Jim was interviewing for the job all she could think about was that feeling of utter loss and emptiness she had felt when she learned about his transfer to Stamford.
How was she ever going to bear his absence? She thought she felt even stronger for him now than when he left her the first time. After he told her how he felt she had been so confused and scared and bewildered for so many days that it was his friendship she had missed more than anything, his warm ability to always make her laugh and relax. She had missed his strength so much that it had taken her way longer to call of her wedding than it should have. If he hadn’t left her that night, but stayed, she is sure she would have been able to call it off then and there. But he had not stayed and she had been tossed into a roller-coaster of emotions that did not really calm down until weeks later when she finally was able to find the courage to tell Roy that she would not be walking down that aisle. Back then she had needed him to support her, to stand by her side if only as a friend until she could entangle herself from Roy. She had never really gotten that friendship back and now she knew she could survive without it. She just did not want to. She did not want him to leave when they still had so many unresolved feelings between them. Jim’s stubbornness and reluctance at letting her in had been heart breaking but she had always sort of assumed that she would get through to him in the end. If he left there would be no more second chances and she was afraid that she would never break down the barrier between them. They had talked briefly at the beach and there could be no question as to what she wanted anymore. They hadn't talked much since that day. Karen had been guarding him like an exclusive throphy preventing Pam from any time alone with him. Jim had smiled at her though, a lot. The few words they had shared had been tinged with emotions and warmth.
Michael did not answer her. He just starred at her and urged everyone to get back to their job. Her heart sank and all she could feel was numbness. It is going to be alright. Somehow it will be alright.
She was not sure how she got through the next hour. Every voice in the office seemed like it was coming from a million miles away. Every breath of air seemed somewhat final, like it was the last breath she was ever going to take. As the hour spilled over into a new one the numbness slowly lifted; instead she was filled with a sense of sadness mixed with a dash of hope. She still hadn't heard anything and there was obviously a chance he wouldn't get the job. There was also a chance that Karen would get the job. Oh please let Karen get the job and remove her from Scranton and Jim. She had a feeling Jim would not go with her to New York. Hope was all she had; although the reality of things sunk in minute by minute.
Brian and Tessa had asked her to do an interview before she went home that day and she felt her shield coming up. She was determined to get through it - calm and collected. She knew they were looking for a crack in that shield but she refused to give in to their desire for her to spill her gut. Tessa had looked at her sympathetically when she asked for Pam to meet her in the conference room in half an hour. It had taken her best performance to give her a warm smile and a nod. She was just going to have to suck it up and contain her real feelings for one more hour. Anxious she put away the faxes she was going to send and decided it was better to just get it over with. She pushed back her chair and resolutely stood up and walked over to the conference room. Her feet felt heavy and she was surprised the distance was covered in something that felt like half a second. When she opened the door she could see Brian setting up the camera equipment. He looked up and gave her a questioning smile. It is going to be alright she thought.
- Hey, how are you. You alright?
She returned his question by the only thing that seemed to come to mind, another question.
- Yeah sure, should I not be?
- Oh no…yeah of course. Glad to hear it. Hmm…so…are you ready? I'm just waiting for Tessa. She went to get a coke.
It was obvious that Brian felt awkward. It was clear that he wanted to ask her more direct questions, but his mumbling got in his way and when it ended Pam just smiled and gave him a small nod. A lump had started to grow in her throat as soon as she saw Brian’s worried face and she realised she would have to excuse herself and take a few minutes to collect. As she was about to sit down she turned and quietly said
- I think I need some water, I’ll be right back if that is okay?
- Of course.
Brian turned back to his camera and made some final adjustments while she slipped out and headed for the kitchen. She took a glass of water from a bottle in the refrigerator and drank it slowly. The lump in her throat started to subside and she was determined to get through this interview in a good fashion. It was only 45 minutes until she could leave Dunder Mifflin and camera crews behind for the day. Tomorrow she would call in sick. She could do this. She was after all quite good at pushing away her feelings and getting on with it. She had good practise. She put down the glass and straightened out her shirt and walked back to the conference room. Brian was now accompanied by Tessa, and they were talking discretely. Both looked up when she walked in and Tessa smiled and asked her to sit down. Pam closed the door and slowly sank down in the chair while taking a deep breath. It is going to be alright she thought.
- I am ready. Shoot.
She looked into Tessa’s eyes and waited for her first question.
- Well, we would like you to say something about the day. There has been a bit of a different leadership in the office today.
- Hehe…yeah…that's for sure. It has been a different day. A day with Dwight in charge.
She smiled at the memory of her secret pact with Dwight and for a while she was able to put Jim out of her mind. The memory filled her with happiness and she thought she wouldn't mind spending more days like that. She felt her spirit lift and the strength return to her voice as Tessa asked her what she thought the future held for her.
- No I don’t know what the future holds…but I am optimistic and I had fun goofing around with Dwight today.
She saw in Tessa’s eyes that she was on the verge of asking about Jim and she thought it was better to beat her to the punch. She held her eyes straight and continued.
- Jim and I are just…too similar. Maybe one day I’ll find my own Karen…but you, that is a you know not… A man, a man version. But ah…until then I can hold my head up…I am not gay.
She knew she was rambling but somehow she just couldn’t stop and Tessa’s eyes were driving into her like nails. There was no escape from this. She would have to answer these questions and hope she could fool them into believing she was fine about it all.
- So do you think Jim will get that job at corporate?
She knew it would come and she took a moment and paused while looking out the window before she looked into Tessa’s questioning eyes and answered in a warm voice.
- I haven’t heard anything but I bet Jim got the job. I mean…why wouldn’t he? He is totally qualified and smart. Everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again... that’s okay. We’re friends and I am sure we’ll stay friends. We just, we never got the timing right. You know. I shot him down, then he did the same to me and…But you know what, it’s okay. I am totally fine. Everything is gonna be totally…
Painful as the last hours had been she could not help but light up at the mention of his name. It was a bitter sweet sensation. She loved that she knew him, that he was part of her life, but she couldn't help but think that it would possible be the worst thing that had ever happened to her if he left her again. She could feel her eyes watering. How was she ever going to get out of this without letting a tear slip?
Caught in her own web of lies and desperately clinging to a shield on the verge of splintering the sound of a door opening caught her attention. She turned her head to see who had come to her rescue. Her heart almost stopped when she saw a familiar frame in a dark blue suit. It was him. My God it was really him. Her mind went completely blank as she heard him apologizing to Tessa and Brian for interrupting. She forgot to breathe. Her mind wasn't able to wrap around the fact that it was Jim standing there in the doorway looking nervously at her. His new haircut and blue suit made him look like a grown up version of her Jim. Her mind had shut down and she simply stared at him. Only on a superficial level did she register his question.
- Are you free for dinner tonight?
- Yes.
- Then it’s a date.
She heard herself answer, but she couldn’t remember exactly what he had said or what she had answered. It was not the words he spoke. It was the way he looked at her. It was his nervous body language. It was the promise in his voice. It was a thousand little small things that only gave meaning because it was exchanged between them. She would get her chance to put things right between them.
Story Notes:
Spoilers: Beach Games and The Job
Chapter End Notes:
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