INT – Michael’s office.
Michael is sitting behind his desk, with his feet propped up, obviously not working when Natalie steps just inside the door.
NATALIE
Michael.
MICHAEL
Yup, What’s happenin’ Knick Nat?
NATALIE
Jan is on the phone for you. Line one.
MICHAEL
Oh, thank you. How’s the baby name search going?
NATALIE
Um… it’s going.
MICHAEL
Well, don’t give me any gay names, like Elton John or Ryan Seacrest or… Oscar. I need something masculine. Something that says, “I’m a man, and I like meat.”
NATALIE (nods)
Ok.
MICHAEL
Something strong that has some weight to it. Like… the name of our first president. George Washington. Or George Michael. That's a good idea, we should give him two first names, so he would be extra cool. Baby so nice we named it twice.
NATALIE
You want to name your baby George Michael?
MICHAEL
Junior. We make my name his name and junior-size it. That way, everyone would know who his real baby daddy is. Think outside the box, Natalie.
Natalie gives the camera an annoyed look and walks out, shutting the door behind her. Michael puts Jan on speakerphone.
MICHAEL
Jan-bam, thank you ma’am. What’s crackin’? Not your egg, I hope. At least, not for another 5 months.
JAN (sighs)
Michael.
MICHAEL
Yes, your royal fatness?
JAN
When you went to the store, I specifically asked you to get me butter pecan ice cream.
MICHAEL
Yeah, but the striped one is better. It’s netropolitan. It has all of the flavors. Taste the rainbow, Jan.
JAN
No, no, Michael, that’s not what I asked you for. I wanted butter pecan ice cream, and now all I have is strawberry and vanilla because someone ate all of the chocolate.
MICHAEL
Well, it’s the only good part, so-
JAN
And I asked you for potato chips, and you bring home pizza flavored Pringles.
MICHAEL
Oh, those are the best.
JAN
They don’t even qualify as real potato chips, Michael.
MICHAEL
You’re right, they’re so much more than that. It’s like if a farmer grew a pizza potato, and then he chopped it up into tiny little pieces shaped like potato chips, it would taste just like that.
JAN
No, Michael, you don’t do anything I ask you to. And then, I wanted to make a panini, but there’s some kind of black goo all over the George Foreman grill, you don’t clean up after yourself, you know, just… just don’t come home, ok? Tell Dwight you will be staying with him for the next couple of days.
MICHAEL
Ugh, Dwight? Come on, his place makes all of my work clothes smell like animal poop. And last time, he made me eat beets. All the time. And you know what? They're disgusting! They taste like somebody soaked a sponge in dog urine, and then used it to clean up vomit. That's how bad it was.
JAN
Then you can stay down the street at that nice little Motel 6, the one by the truck stop. Just don't come back to this house, I don't want to see you here. Probably for the rest of the month.
MICHAEL
But, wait… Jan- (She hangs up.) Ugh. (He looks at the camera and smiles.) It's ok. No reason to panic. I know to you guys, she might sound like the angel of death, but being pregnant… it makes you say a lot of things you don’t mean. The other day, she told me she didn’t want to use my sperm to make a baby because my head is too square, and she didn’t want our baby to look like Spongebob Squarepants, and that’s stupid. Spongebob Squarepants is cute and cuddly. Who wouldn’t want a cute and cuddly baby?
INT – Office.
Michael emerges from his office to make an announcement.
MICHAEL
Dunder Mifflinitas, listen up. I have a Deafcon 20 situation, and I need some immediate assistance. So if the ladies of the office would please meet in the conference room in five minutes. Oh, wait. Pam’s not here. (He turns towards Natalie.) Uh… well, I guess you’ll have to do. Natalie, conference room. Bring something to write on, something to write with. Five minutes.
DWIGHT
What is it? I can help. I can be a lady, Michael.
MICHAEL
Blech, you’re hardly even a man. No, I need my chic posse for this one. I do have an idea for you, though. You’re a farmer. Kind of. Pizza potato. Write that down. I’ll give you the rest of the 411 later. Conference room, ladies. Five minutes.
INT – Conference room.
Michael is sitting at the head of the conference room table. Natalie, Phyllis, Kelly and Angela are sitting around the table. Natalie is immediately to Michael’s right, ready to take notes with a pad of paper and pen. Meredith steps into the conference room.
MICHAEL (to Meredith)
What are you doing in here?
MEREDITH
You said all of the ladies in the office.
MICHAEL
Ugh, no I didn’t say that. I’m drowning in enough estrogen here as it is. And as you can see, thanks to Phyllis, this room is filled to maximum capacity, so…
The camera pans to show several empty chairs around the room.
MEREDITH
Ok.
Meredith walks out and closes the door behind her.
MICHAEL
Yeck. That was close. Ok, so normally I don’t like to ask people for help, but Jan has left me with no choice. You know, normally, I always thought Jan was kind of insane. Like cut-your-willy-off-in-the-middle-of-the-night-type crazy. I mean, the woman’s got a few screws loose, if you know what I mean. The wheel is spinning, but the stupid old dog is dead.
PHYLLIS
You mean the hamster. The hamster is dead.
MICHAEL
No, it’s a dog that dies. I should know, people tell me that joke all the time.
Natalie gives the camera a bewildered look.
PHYLLIS
Like… not the sharpest tool in the shed.
NATALIE
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
PHYLLIS
The lights are on, but no one’s home .
MICHAEL
Those… none of those are even remotely funny. God, this is why women should never be joke tellers. You just, you always screw it up with your unfunniness.
PHYLLIS
I think Ellen is pretty funny.
MICHAEL
Blech. No, she’s horrible. And she’s a lesbian, so it’s offensive to both guys and girls.
ANGELA
I agree.
PHYLLIS
Maybe you don’t understand her jokes.
MICHAEL
What, dancing? That’s a joke? Please. I should have my own show. You know who I would interview? Teri Hatcher.
NATALIE
Ooh, I heard a good joke. Why was the belt arrested?
PHYLLIS
Why?
NATALIE
For holding up the pants.
PHYLLIS (laughs)
That’s a good one.
NATALIE
It was on the kid’s menu at IHOP.
MICHAEL (groans loudly)
Can we just… go back to focusing on my problem, please? Seriously, leave the good jokes to me, alright? From now on, none of the women in the office are allowed to tell any jokes. You all suck.
PHYLLIS
So, you don’t need our help?
MICHAEL
No, I do. See, women may not be funny, but they are good advice dispensers. Not great, but, eh, kind of helpful. So, I need you to dispense some advice on me. I need help with Jan.
ANGELA
We’re not throwing Jan a party.
MICHAEL
No, not that. Although, we do need to start working on my baby shower bachelor party. I have too many ideas, and nobody to bounce them off of. It's going to blow everybody's tops off. So ladies... you might want to wear your finest undergarmets that day. But... we'll discuss that later. Save it for manana. So, I’ve seen the movie Knocked Up, ok? So I know exactly what it’s like to have a baby. I know that pregnancy makes even the prettiest women act way more annoying than usual, but Jan is just being ridiculous… I think she might be giving birth to pure evil. You know, maybe the sperm egg doesn't belong to that kid at Penn State. Maybe it’s Toby’s. He probably… mixed the chemicals in his little meth lab. Pulled a switch-a-roo on me.
ANGELA
Why would he do that?
MICHAEL
Well, to get back at me for firing him.
PHYLLIS
But Toby quit.
MICHAEL
Really. That’s what he told you? And you believed him? Toby is the devil. And I have done the world a great service by ridding this office of one of the greatest demons that ever lived. And this is how God repays me. By having Jan give birth to a fire monster.
The camera pans over to Angela who is silently shaking her head while scowling at Michael.
ANGELA Talking Head:
Angela isn’t even looking at the camera, she has her head bowed and is quietly mumbling a quick prayer.
Jesus, in Thy name, holiness and heaven…
INT – Conference room.
NATALIE
So, you need our help finding an exorcist.
MICHAEL
Probably. Maybe. After Jan and Toby’s sin baby is born. But for now, I just need to make it better. I need to make Jan happy and not mad at me all the time.
KELLY
When I’m feeling really mad, I go shopping. Like when I broke up with Ryan, I went to Steamtown Mall and I bought this really, really cute pink top with-
MICHAEL (interrupts)
So, does anyone have any ideas?
PHYLLIS
Well, you could cook for her. Or maybe give her a foot massage.
MICHAEL
Yeah, I was thinking something more along the lines of some kind of medicine. Like a pill that controls anger management. They make stuff for that, right?
PHYLLIS
You mean like Zoloft?
NATALIE
You want to drug Jan?
MICHAEL
No, not drug her, just give her something that makes women less angry and annoying. Lots of it.
KELLY
Like Midol?
NATALIE Talking Head:
After Michael insulted all of womankind for about thirty minutes, we finally started generating some really good ideas. Personally, I recommended that he cook a dinner for Jan made entirely of baby food. Because once Jan enters her final trimester, she’ll be eating a lot of baby food, and it’s best to get started early to make an even healthier baby.
INT - Conference room.
MICHAEL
And that really works?
PHYLLIS
Oh yes. Whenever I get angry with Bob Vance, I have him cut my hair. It's very theraputic. And it saves me from having to drive all the way to the beauty salon in Allentown.
MICHAEL
Well, maybe Bob should sit inside a Super Cuts for a couple of hours, because your hair... It kind of looks like a ratty old bird's nest. No offense.
NATALIE
You should surprise Jan, and cut her hair when she's sleeping. So when she wakes up, she'll see her hair, and she won't be mad at you anymore.
MICHAEL
Yeah, ok, write that one down. These are all good ideas. Thank you. Natalie, you have everything written down? You haven’t just been doodling over there have you?
NATALIE
No, I have your list.
MICHAEL
Great, we’ll go over them again before the end of the day. Filter them out for the best ones. For now, you can file them away for safe keeping in my good idea folder.
NATALIE
What's your good idea folder?
MICHAEL (sighs in annoyance)
The manila folder with lots of good ideas in it.
NATALIE (sarcastically)
Oh. That folder.
MICHAEL
Got it? Thank you, ladies. You’re not as useless as Dwight says you all are.
The women start to filter out of the conference room.
MICHAEL
Natalie, can you send Jim to my office please?
NATALIE
Oh, um, he hasn’t shown up yet.
MICHAEL
What? Did he call in sick?
NATALIE
No, I haven’t heard from him.
Dwight, obviously standing outside the door listening to this, storms into the conference room.
DWIGHT
Michael, one of your employees, a Mr. Jim Halpert, is severely tardy. I have already called his cell phone and given him a very lengthy verbal warning. With your permission, I will begin an investigation of his whereabouts.
MICHAEL
Make it happen. I need my bosom buddy here to help me get through this.
DWIGHT
Consider it done. Question. I may have to leave the office for a period of time to check his house for evidence of a kidnapping, possible homicide and/or ransom notes.
MICHAEL
Whatever you need to do, just find him.
DWIGHT
Also… can I fire him?
MICHAEL
No, just go. And when you find him, tell him that I need to talk to him, and that it’s important. He’ll know what that means.
Dwight nods and heads back out into the office.
MICHAEL
But hurry back, because I need to talk to you about my billion dollar pizza potato idea. (looks at the camera)Copyright, Michael Scott. All civil rights reserved.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Don't own any of the characters. I wish! I would carry them around in my tiny little pocket.
Chapter End Notes:
And, we're off! Let me know what you think.
