INT – Reception.
Natalie is on the phone.
NATALIE
Hey Jim, it’s Natalie. I was just calling to give you a heads up and let you know that Michael has officially sent a search team after you. And by search team, I mean Dwight and his army of… well, just Dwight. But I’m pretty sure I saw him run out of the office with a Samurai sword, so your life security has officially been upgraded to threat level orange. So, please call me because now I’m starting to worry. Bye.
Michael steps out of his office.
MICHAEL
Any word from Jim?
Natalie shakes her head no.
MICHAEL
This isn’t good… This is not good. My best man is probably lying dead in a gutter right now, and now my situation has reached Defcon 80, and I have no one to talk to about my problem!
Andy immediately stands and runs over to Michael.
ANDY
Andrew Bernard, second-in-command as best man of Michael Gary Scott, here to service all of your needs. What can I do for you, my friend?
MICHAEL
Ugh. What do you know about women? You’re marrying a lesbian.
ANDY
Au contraire, little Mike. I hold quite the rap sheet with the ladies. I dated a couple back at Cornell, where I went to college. Whenever one of my lady friends broke free from one of their little boy toys, I was always the first one they called for a long, passionate 3 minutes of guilt-free, no holds barred man love. They called me the love doctor.
MICHAEL
Yuck. You’re such a man whore.
ANDY
If that’s what the crazy kids are calling it these days, then I was the best man whore there ever was.
NATALIE
I thought we already helped you with your problem, Michael.
MICHAEL
You did. This is something totally different.
NATALIE
Well, what is it? Maybe we can help you.
MICHAEL
Not unless you happen to swing both ways. Do you know how to pleasure a woman in bed?
Natalie just looks at the camera.
MICHAEL
Didn’t think so. This is where I need a man’s point of view. Specifically Jim’s point of view. Jim has to be a raging ball of fire in bed. How else would he be able to date both Karen AND Pam, two of the only attractive women this office has seen in years? Except for Holly. He was probably sleeping with both of them. Probably at the same time. On the same night. In the same bed. If you catch my drift.
NATALIE
Yeah, we get it.
MICHAEL
In some countries, it is called a ménage a trois.
KEVIN (from the accounting area)
In America, we call it a threesome. (He chuckles as Angela rolls her eyes.)
ANGELA Talking Head:
I think it’s obvious that everybody in this office will burn eternally in hell. Especially Kelly.
INT - Office
ANDY (to Michael)
Why don’t we conversate in your office over a couple of Cola drinks and cheese nips? I’ll hit up the vending machines.
MICHAEL
Lunch bell’s ringing, gotta go.
ANDY
Ok, then I’ll take you out. I know a cool little place right up the-
Michael walks into his office and slams the door in Andy’s face.
ANDY
Fine. His loss. Anyone want to hit up Hooters?
KEVIN (enthusiastically)
YES!!!
ANDY (to Angela)
You coming, pixie dust?
Angela scowls at Andy.
EXT – Jim’s house.
Over Dwight’s talking head, we watch as Dwight seals off Jim’s house with caution tape. He then dusts Jim’s doorknob for fingerprints, peeks into the windows, and gets down on his hands and knees to sniff the driveway and the front lawn.
DWIGHT
So far, no sign of Jim. I have, however, collected several pieces of evidence to aid in my search. Exhibit A. Chinese menu. Could have been placed on the door several hours ago. Or days. Months. Who knows?
As he says this, the camera pans to show a Chinese guy walking around the neighborhood, holding a stack of what we can assume to be Chinese menus as he walks up the pathway to another house.
DWIGHT
That’s all I’ve found so far, but there’s no need to give up hope just yet. Do you think they just allow anyone to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy? They chose me because I have the nose of a bloodhound, ears of a bat, the eyes of a tiger with perfect 20/20 vision, and the legs of the fastest cheetah on the planet. So.
Dwight bends down in the grass where he finds a small pile of dog poop. He immediately picks up the dog poop and stores it in a plastic bag for safe keeping.
DWIGHT
Exhibit B. (He hold up the specimen in the bag.) Looks like it belongs to a Great Dane. Or a... very large poodle.
The Chinese guy walks past Dwight over to a minivan.
DWIGHT
Excuse me, tiny man of Chinese ethnicity.
CHINESE MAN
No no, no Chinese. I am Japanese.
DWIGHT
Oh. Konnichiwa. Watakushi-wa Dwight, desu-
CHINESE JAPANESE MAN
I speak English.
DWIGHT
Ah. Well then. Why didn't you say so? I'm looking for a white adult male, about my height only taller. 28 years of age, scraggly hair, rather pale, large chin, even larger nose, no muscle mass whatsoever. Kind of looks like a stick figure with hair.
JAPANESE MAN
No, I don't see anyone that look like that.
Dwight notices the Chinese menus in his hand.
DWIGHT
Really? Are you sure about that?
JAPANESE MAN
Yes.
DWIGHT
Number one, you say you are Japanese. Fact. This is a Chinese menu for a Chinese restaurant. Fact. You are Chinese and you are lying.
JAPANESE MAN
No, I don't lie.
DWIGHT
Ok. That's strike three. You're coming down to the police station with me for questioning.
JAPANESE MAN
But I have work. I own restaurant, open in two hour.
DWIGHT
Don't worry. If everything goes well, you'll be back to serving egg rolls in no time.
JAPANESE MAN
But I called animal control. They said they got rid of rats-
DWIGHT
Let's go, Luigi. If that is in fact your real name.
Dwight motions for the man to get in his car.
INT – Kitchen of the office.
Angela, Andy are Kevin are sitting at the small table in the kitchen. Obviously, Angela has disapproved of their trip to Hooters as they’re all eating Subway. Andy is looking at Angela with a scowl on his face as he eats his sandwich. Natalie walks in and opens the refridgerator.
NATALIE
Ok. This is the second time someone has taken my lunch. Leftovers from Applebees? It had my name on it?
Everyone at the table shakes their head as Creed walks in.
CREED
Why are you guys eating sandwiches? Didn’t you hear? Applebees catered our lunch today. Had the pasta alfredo bowl. Absolutely scrumptious. There’s still a little left.
Creed pulls the Appleebee’s bag out of the trash can as Natalie stares at him in disbelief.
INT – Michael’s office.
Michael is talking on the phone, but because it’s not on speakerphone we can’t hear the other end of the conversation.
MICHAEL
…And now my best friend is missing, and no one in this office is willing to help me work through all this stupid baby mama drama. I’m thinking I should announce one of those Amber Alert things for Jim. Get those guys on the case. They can plaster his face all over the back of milk cartons, or on those boards that I see at Wal-mart, inside the swinging doors… (beat) Yes, I read the Sex for Dummies book you gave me, but most of it was too difficult to understand. (beat) Yes, I know they have illustrations. (beat) I did! I tried doing that, and Jan just kicked me in between the legs. It didn’t hurt at first, but after like a ten second delay, it felt like someone had taken my balls through a paper shredder, and then I just wasn’t in the mood anymore, but she made me do it anyway, and I didn’t even enjoy it that much. (beat) How do you know about that? (beat) Mom, I told you not to chat with my receptionists on the phone. What else did Natalie tell you? (beat) Mom, I gotta go, I have a call on the other line.
Michael hangs the phone up and switches it over to speakerphone.
MICHAEL
This is Michael Scott.
DAVID WALLACE
Michael, David Wallace.
MICHAEL
Oh, hello Saint David, all hail the almighty Dunder Mifflin God. How’s the weather over in New Yawk, New Yawk? (He smiles at the camera.)
DAVID WALLACE
Listen, as soon as you get a chance, I need you to have Natalie fax over the sales numbers from your branch dating back to the last 12 months. We’re still working to get this whole mess with Ryan cleared up.
MICHAEL
Oh, ok. Is there anything else I can do for you?
DAVID WALLACE
Oh, and have Natalie fax Andrew Bernard’s file over for me if you could, please.
MICHAEL
Oh. Why do you need Andy’s employee file? Is he in trouble or-
DAVID WALLACE
I believe he’s coming in on Wednesday to interview for the corporate manager position.
MICHAEL
Oh.
DAVID WALLACE
I offered the position to Jim, but he called this morning. Turned it down.
MICHAEL
Did he happen to say where he was, like did he say he was stranded on a desert island in… Texas, or somewhere? Kidnapped by online sexual predators?
DAVID WALLACE
No… why?
MICHAEL
Nothing. No reason. I’ll have Natalie get right on that after lunch.
DAVID WALLACE
Thank you Michael.
MICHAEL
Thank you.
EXT – Parking lot.
Natalie is walking towards her car, headed out for lunch. The camera shows two "MISSING" signs taped to the front of the office doors with a tiny picture of Jim, taken from his I.D. badge next to a drawing of a stick figure with shaggy hair. Written underneath is "IF YOU SEE THIS MAN, PLEASE CALL THE POLICE." Natalie slows her walk when she notices Jim’s car at the far end of the parking lot. She walks over and sees that he’s hunched over the steering wheel with his head down. She knocks on the window.
NATALIE
Jim?
----
Author's Chapter Notes:
Just a quick little lead in to the next set of scenes. :)
Also, I'm so sorry, and I don't mean to offend anyone at all with one of the scenes in this chapter. We all know The Office has included some things that are slightly discriminatory and/or slightly racist, so in trying to keep with the humor of the show... please don't hate me!
Also, I'm so sorry, and I don't mean to offend anyone at all with one of the scenes in this chapter. We all know The Office has included some things that are slightly discriminatory and/or slightly racist, so in trying to keep with the humor of the show... please don't hate me!
Chapter End Notes:
Again, I'm so sorry!
Reviews are lovely. :)
Reviews are lovely. :)
