INT – Kitchen.
Kevin is seated at the small kitchen table across from Phyllis.
KEVIN
So, I’m pretty much thinking that I should make some kind of big, romantic gesture. Like... I could give Holly her own jar of M&Ms. Or let her use my foot bath.
PHYLLIS
Well Kevin, if you really want Holly to notice you, the gesture should be a little bigger than that. Maybe you could buy her flowers or a box of chocolate.
KEVIN
Mmm. If someone gave me a box of chocolates, I would definitely want to nail them. Of course, unless they were given to me by a man. But why would a man give me a box of chocolates? Unless maybe he was gay… (Smiles mischievously and giggles.) Like Oscar.
At that moment, Oscar steps inside the kitchen door.
OSCAR
What are you guys talking about?
KEVIN
Chocolate.
OSCAR
Oh. I thought I heard my name.
KEVIN
We were also talking about gay people.
OSCAR
Ok.
KEVIN
Don’t ever buy me a box of chocolates, Oscar. Even if you really, really want to.
OSCAR
Why would I?
KEVIN
Just don’t do it.
OSCAR
I won’t.
KEVIN
Even if I beg you for it.
PHYLLIS
That’s what she said.
KEVIN (nods approvingly and Oscar smiles.)
Nice…
OSCAR
Yeah. Well, Michael wants us in the conference room right now.
PHYLLIS
But it’s our lunch time. He can’t annoy us on our lunch time, too.
OSCAR
I already asked Holly. Technically he can.
Michael peeks inside the door.
MICHAEL
Why are you still sitting here? I know you two don’t exercise, ever, but you can get some right now by running, or speed walking, whatever you can manage, to the conference room. Let's go, this is serious. This is our most important meeting in the history of all meetings!
Michael dashes out as Phyllis and Kevin throw away the remainder of their lunches.
PHYLLIS
He says that every time.
KEVIN
I don’t know. I kind of want to believe him this time.
INT – Conference room.
Everyone is seated at the table facing Michael, who is standing at the front of the room. Kevin and Phyllis straggle in and take their seats.
MICHAEL
Really? That’s as fast as the two of you can go? Seriously?
STANLEY
What is so damn important that you had to throw my chicken pot pie in the garbage? I didn’t even get to take a bite, it had just finished cooling down.
MICHAEL
Well, whose fault is that, Stanley? Maybe if you didn’t do everything so slowly, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, would we?
STANLEY
Excuse me?
MICHAEL
Nothing, just- listen up everybody! My best friend is missing. You all know and love him as your co-worker, Jim Halpert, but to me, he is so much more than that. I… love that man. That man means more to me than any of you worthless people. And we don’t know where he is. We need to find him.
ANGELA
Maybe he’s sick.
MICHAEL
He would’ve called.
ANGELA
Maybe he’s hung over.
MICHAEL
If there was a party, he would have told me about it. I would have been there as his wingman.
PHYLLIS
Well, I doubt it’s anything serious. Did you try his cell phone?
MICHAEL
Called it over 90 times. Straight to voicemail. This isn't what we need. We need to formulate a plan to find him. For all we know, Jim could be anywhere. Pirates could have kidnapped him from his bed. Just like Peter Pan. He could be on a pirate ship right now, being held captive by Captain Hook.
Everyone starts mumbling a chorus of, “That’s ridiculous” and “That doesn’t make sense.”
ANDY
What would a pirate want from one of us?
MICHAEL
I don’t know Andy, let’s think about it. Maybe their paper shipment didn’t come in on time. Maybe, he went to Long John Silvers and said bad things about their food. Who knows?
Dwight comes running in, out of breath, followed by “Luigi”, the Japanese man from earlier.
DWIGHT
Listen up everybody. I found Jim.
MICHAEL
Where is he? Was he kidnapped? (points to “Luigi”) Is this the guy? Yeah, you look like a serial killer. Where did you take him? I swear if you touched a single brown hair on my best friend’s head-
DWIGHT (still trying to catch his breath)
I saw him, I saw him at the bakery down the street. He was with Natalie.
MICHAEL
With who?
PHYLLIS
Your receptionist.
MICHAEL (in his “crying” voice)
-my God. They kidnapped Pam and Jim!
DWIGHT
No, Jim was with Natalie, I saw them pull into the bakery. They got out of the car, he opened the door for her, and they went inside. I presume to eat lunch.
MICHAEL
Well, what did he say when you saw him? Did you tell him I need to talk to him and that it’s urgent?
DWIGHT
I didn’t talk to him. When I saw them, I drove straight here to come tell you.
MICHAEL (angrily)
Go. Get him, Dwight! God, you’re such an idiot. And who is this guy? Is this his replacement? He doesn’t even look like Jim.
ANDY
He looks like a Super Mario Brother.
DWIGHT
I know. I call him Luigi.
JAPANESE MAN
My name is Sam.
MICHAEL
Just bring Jim back to us, Dwight.
STANLEY (sarcastically)
Yes, please. We miss him so much.
DWIGHT
Michael, if Jim is your best friend, then that would make me your greatest friend, right?
ANDY
Whoa-ho. Get in line, chap. I’m his numero uno friend.
DWIGHT
Michael would never be friends with you. Not in a gazillion billion years. Right Michael?
MICHAEL
You know what Dwight, right now you are not my friend. I asked you to go find Jim, and instead you brought back some imposter with a wig and a fake moustache. Now I want you to bring Jim back here. Can you do that? Can you do that without screwing up? Or are you going to bring back his brother, Yoshi?
ANDY, PHYLLIS, and KEVIN
Mario.
DWIGHT
I will not let you down, Michael.
MICHAEL
Well, you better not or you are fired.
DWIGHT
I love you Michael.
MICHAEL
Yuck. Quit being so gay, Dwight. Just... get out of my face.
Michael walks out of the conference room into his office. Dwight runs out of the conference room and leaves the office, leaving “Luigi” at the front of the room as everyone stares at him, as if they're expecting him to say something.
KEVIN
Are you looking for the Princess?
"Luigi" just looks at him confused.
KEVIN
Because she is not here.
INT - A small booth at a bakery.
Natalie is sitting across from Jim as she pokes at a salad. Jim is sipping a cup of coffee.
NATALIE
So you turned down the job at corporate?
JIM (sighs)
Yeah.
NATALIE
Let me guess. You didn’t accept the promotion because you’re secretly in love with Dwight, and if you left you would miss out on your chance to tell him how you want to have his seven-foot tall, agricultural-loving babies with freakishly large heads?
JIM
Who all wear the same pair of glasses that my father made popular in 1986.
NATALIE (laughs)
Your babies would have some huge foreheads. Dwight’s forehead is definitely a five.
JIM
What? Is this some kind of five-star forehead rating system you’ve come up with it?
NATALIE
No, you take your hand and place it on your forehead. However many fingers cover your forehead, starting with the top of your eyebrows, ending at your hairline. If your bangs weren’t covering yours, you’d probably be leaning close to a five yourself, which means your children would be like a… twelve. (They laugh.) Ok but, seriously, what happened? Tell me what was going through this jacked up thought process of yours when you turned down the job.
JIM
Honestly? I just couldn’t see myself working at a paper company for the rest of my life.
NATALIE
It’s just a step up. Who said it had to be forever?
JIM
I don’t know. This wasn’t supposed to become my career, you know? I drove to work today and… I just couldn’t get myself to physically move and walk into that building. I was just sitting in my car and I realized… how much I absolutely hate that place.
NATALIE
Hate is a pretty strong word, Jim.
JIM
I know, I don’t… hate it. But why am I still there? I got everything I needed out of this job years ago.
NATALIE
And that’s usually a sign that you’re ready to move up… possibly to a corporate position… take on more responsibility…
JIM
I know. I just don’t see how taking that job would make me happy. Living in a big city, working in upper management? That’s not me. That isn’t what I wanted to do with my life.
NATALIE
Well. What do you want to do?
JIM
I don’t know.
NATALIE
Well. You obviously can’t stay here, because David Wallace is ovbiously never going to offer you any kind of promotion ever again.
JIM (laughs)
Yeah.
NATALIE
So unless you want to sell paper and work under Michael Scott for the rest of your life… We need to figure this out.
JIM
Oh, you're going to help me?
NATALIE
Well, before I was a world-renowned secretary of the arts, and before I become the super successful sports blogger sitting before you today… I wanted to be a veterinarian.
JIM
Really?
NATALIE
But then I worked for an animal shelter, and after I was subjected to shoveling poop for an entire summer, I was kind of turned off by the idea, so…
JIM
You decided blogging about animals would be a safer bet.
NATALIE (laughs)
No. I always liked to write, I just wasn’t convinced that I could do it well. But then I took a yearbook class in high school. It was the one class where I didn’t have to do any work, I could just slack off the entire class period, eating Doritos and surfing the internet. And I’ve been in love with journalism ever since. (Jim smiles.) Come on, you had to have some idea of what you wanted to be when you were little.
JIM
Well, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a fighter pilot.
NATALIE
Because of Top Gun?
JIM
Obviously. I made my mom buy me a leather jacket. Sew patches all over the sleeves.
NATALIE
Well at least your mom was there to support your career aspirations. What happened with that? (Jim shrugs.) Crashed and burned, huh Maverick? You know, it’s never too late to give up on your dream. I’m sure Dwight would be more than happy to sign you up for flight classes in his crop duster.
JIM (laughs)
That was a long time ago... When I was in college, I wanted to be a high school English teacher. Maybe… moonlight as the varsity basketball coach on the side... You know.
NATALIE
Well, what’s stopping you?
JIM
It’s not about me. I stayed at this job because of Pam. And… she’s in New York. Achieving her dreams. She’s creating a good thing for herself, and I don’t want to get in the middle of that.
NATALIE
So, you would rather sit on the sidelines as a paper salesman, while Pam follows her heart?
Jim just stares down into his coffee.
NATALIE
Your brother told me you’re planning to propose.
JIM
Yeah… just… haven’t quite gotten the timing right.
NATALIE
Well… I haven’t met Pam, but I’m sure she’s very understanding. And I know that more than anything she wants you to be happy. Part of a being in a relationship is being able to grow together. You shouldn’t keep yourself from going after your own career goals because you’re afraid it will hold her back or get in the way of what she’s accomplishing for herself. You work through these things together, you know?
JIM
Yeah… Speaking of my brother… How was your date?
Natalie tries to keep herself from showing any feelings about it, but she can’t stop grinning from ear to ear.
NATALIE
Um… it was alright.
JIM
Really? Just alright?
NATALIE
Well he didn’t flirt with any thirteen-year-old girls at your nephew’s little league game, and he owns his own car so I can’t complain.
Jim laughs.
JIM
Hey… thanks-
NATALIE
Oh, yeah. Don’t worry about it.
JIM
We might find ourselves having a couple more lunches together, since you’re probably going to become my sister-in-law soon.
NATALIE (shakes her head)
Shut up.
EXT – Parking lot of the bakery
Jim is opening the passenger door for Natalie as he calls the office from his cell phone. We hear “Luigi’s” voice on the line.
“LUIGI”
Uh… yes, this is Sam. May I help you?
Jim pulls his cell phone away from his ear and stares at it in wonderment before bringing it back to his ear.
JIM
Michael?
INT – Annex of the office.
Holly walks up to her desk and notices a Crunch bar sitting on top of her paperwork. She picks up a sticky note that was sitting beside it that reads, “From your secret admirerer.” (Yes, spelled that way.) Holly softly smiles.
HOLLY
That’s so sweet.
She picks up the candy bar, but finds that there isn’t a candy bar inside. Someone has obviously eaten it, and simply put the foil and the wrapper back as if it were never touched. The camera pans over to the break room where Kevin is munching on a piece of chocolate with a look of satisfaction on his face.
EXT – Jim’s car.
Jim is driving with Natalie in the passenger seat as the “lipstick” camera focuses in on the two from the front of the car.
NATALIE
Were you able to get ahold of Michael?
JIM
No. When I called the office, an Asian guy answered the phone and offered me Hot and Sour soup.
NATALIE (laughs)
What? Oh my gosh… Well, Michael was very worried about you. For all we know, the office could be turned into the set of CSI: Scranton when we get back. He wanted me to call 911 and ask if they could send their best police dogs to track your scent.
JIM
Well what did you do?
NATALIE
He stood in front of my desk to make sure I called, so I dialed 411 and asked if they had any German Shepards available. The operator just gave me the number for the closest pet store, but I managed to fake a two minute conversation with a deputy sheriff. I told Michael they would send the dogs out as soon as they finished their morning shift at Wilkes-Barre airport and had a quick lunch.
JIM
I’m absolutely certain that everything Michael knows about detective work comes from watching Kindergarten Cop. And Die Hard.
NATALIE
Speaking of detectives, don’t look now but there’s a ratty old red TransAm trying to pull you over.
Jim looks into his rearview mirror. Dwight has planted a red flashing light on top of his car and is following Jim closely.
JIM
Yup. That would be Dwight.
NATALIE
Are you going to pull over?
JIM
Nope. I’d rather continue to lead him on a 45 mile-per-hour slow speed chase. If that’s alright with you, since you’re likely to be considered as an accessory now.
Natalie laughs as we see Dwight stick his head out of his driver’s side window, talking into a megaphone.
DWIGHT
Driver of the silver car. This is your volunteer sheriff deputy telling you to pull over.
Jim continues driving.
DWIGHT
Dammit, Jim. I know you can hear me. Pull over.
INT – Reception.
”Luigi” is sitting in Natalie’s chair when the phone rings. He answers it.
LUIGI
Uh… yes, this is Sam. May I help you? (beat) You need paper, yes we have paper. You come pick up paper? (beat) Delivery? Yes, we deliver, you want daily special? (beat) Uh, sweet and sour pork, shrimp fried rice, and over twenty dollar you pay, we give you a 2 liter coke.
INT – Office, Phyllis’s desk.
Phyllis’s phone rings and she answers it.
PHYLLIS
Hello? (beat) Oh, hi Pam. How is school going? (beat) No, that’s not Michael doing a bad impersonation. There really is a Chinese man answering the phone. (beat) No, Jim hasn’t come in all day. Dwight went out to find him, he said he saw him at a restaurant with Natalie. Should I tell him you called? (beat) Oh. Alright then. Bye Pam.
EXT – Jim’s car.
Jim’s cell phone rings and he glances down to see who’s calling.
JIM
It’s Pam.
NATALIE
Aren’t you going to answer it?
JIM
No… I don’t want to rehash the whole conversation we just had right now. She’ll probably be upset I didn’t take the job.
NATALIE
I’m sure she’ll understand.
JIM
Yeah… I’ll call her later tonight. I just have to figure out the best way to tell her everything.
NATALIE
Coward.
An exterior camera zooms back and we see Jim pulling up to a drive-thru window. Dwight is behind him at the menu board, talking into the speaker to the person taking his order.
DWIGHT
The man ahead of me is a criminal. Do not serve him.
VOICE OVER SPEAKER
I’m sorry, we don’t have that. Would you like to try one of our new chicken wraps?
INT - Michael's Office.
Michael is sitting at his desk, using the computer. The camera moves around the computer to focus on Michael's screen. He's just staring at a picture of Jim taken at a random office Christmas party that has been set as his screensaver. Holly knocks on the door and walks in.
HOLLY
Hey Michael.
MICHAEL
Oh. Hey Holly. What's up?
HOLLY
I just wanted to thank you. For the gift. It was very sweet of you.
MICHAEL
Oh. You got my CD mix tape. It took me a couple of days to finish it, you know U2 just has way too many songs to choose from.
HOLLY
I really liked your CD mix. The first song my favorite. I think it was... "With or Without You."
MICHAEL
Yeah. Well. The first song on a mix tape should always set the theme for the whole CD. So.
HOLLY
Well thank you. And thank you for the chocolate. (Michael looks confused.)From your secret admirer? I figured it was from you. But I think Creed ate it before I could get to it.
MICHAEL
Oh.
HOLLY
You know, tonight I was going to rent a couple of Jodie Foster movies... pop some popcorn... you should come over.
MICHAEL
Are you kidding me? Jodie Foster only makes the best movies. Ever. (Holly smiles.) Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great. I-
He's interrupted by Jan walking into his office.
JAN
Michael. Can I talk to you for a second? (She turns to Holly.) You must be the new HR rep. Michael talks very fondly of you. Uh, Holly, is it? I'm Jan, Michael's girlfriend.
Jan holds out her hand, and Holly just looks at Jan, looks at her baby bump, and over to Michael who looks just as confused as Holly does.
EXT – Office parking lot. Jim and Natalie climb out of Jim’s car as Dwight parks beside them and walks over to them.
DWIGHT
Dammit Jim, when you see an unmarked police car flashing its lights behind you, you are to pull over immediately. You do not proceed to lead them through a car wash and a Wendy’s drive-thru.
JIM
Actually, I called a 911 operator. They couldn’t verify that you were an official police officer, and told me to drive to the nearest and safest public area because it was possible you were a rapist.
DWIGHT
Like I would ever want to rape you. You are not that lucky, and I am not that desperate.
JIM
Well, the real police disagree with you. I gave them your license plate and vehicle description, they should be here in about five minutes.
DWIGHT
Damn you.
DWIGHT Talking Head:
I turned in my volunteer sheriff’s deputy uniform two years ago, but that doesn’t mean that I do not still have the authority of a volunteer sheriff’s deputy. If Batman were to turn in his uniform, would he stop fighting crime for the citizens of Gotham City? No. He would just create another bat suit. Or they would replace him with another actor. If I were Batman, I would be way better than George Clooney. Pssh. Please.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This chapter definitely falls on the long side, and I apologize. There was just so much I wanted to cram in. I contemplated changing the name of this story because it has kind of developed a mind of it's own and strayed away from my original idea, but... oh well, I hope you enjoy it. :)
Chapter End Notes:
I reworked the conversation between Jim and Natalie over a million times, and I'm still not completely satisfied with it, but I think it shows us why poor Jim is so confused. He'll find his way soon, I promise.
It wasn't my original intention to bring Natalie in as another love interest for Jim, although it may have been misleading at first. ;) I always saw that Jim needed someone else to smack a little sense into him, and force him to take a chance with himself once in awhile.
I love reviews, thank you for your wonderful comments so far. You guys are great. Continue to let me know what you guys think so far about where this is going. Do you think Jim should have taken the corporate job? Are you enjoying the Jim/Natalie dynamic?
It wasn't my original intention to bring Natalie in as another love interest for Jim, although it may have been misleading at first. ;) I always saw that Jim needed someone else to smack a little sense into him, and force him to take a chance with himself once in awhile.
I love reviews, thank you for your wonderful comments so far. You guys are great. Continue to let me know what you guys think so far about where this is going. Do you think Jim should have taken the corporate job? Are you enjoying the Jim/Natalie dynamic?
