Pam lies awake in bed replaying the day over and over in her head. Why had she said that to him? And why did he look so upset when she did? After Pam had suggested that Jim take that job in Maryland she immediately wanted to take it back. There was something in his eyes that made her regret it. He looked almost…disappointed? Hurt? She couldn’t place it exactly but she knew that it made her stomach knot and she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it since.

She had tried to smooth it over. Tried to joke with him but at the same time gently let him know that she didn’t really want him to leave. So, yeah, okay maybe “if you left I’d blow my brains out” was a bit strong but honestly the thought of him leaving, really leaving made her feel…well, she couldn’t really place how it made her feel. But it wasn’t a good feeling. It was a nervous, scary, cold feeling that twisted in her gut and she hadn’t been able to shake it the rest of the day.

She hoped that he could tell. That he could see how badly she wanted to take it back and make things right again. He seemed okay as they were leaving – in the elevator, and as they walked outside into the crisp fall air. But she still saw the shadow of hurt behind his eyes. As they said goodnight and went their separate ways she watched him walk away with his shoulders slumped a little, hands in his pockets. She felt the twisting in her stomach, but she tried to ignore it as she climbed into the passenger seat of Roy’s truck and shut the door.

************

Jim sits in front of the computer staring at his sparse resume on the screen. What was he doing? Why was he doing this? Maybe he was overreacting.

He thinks back to that day. The look on her face when she said that he should apply for that job in Maryland - that said it all didn’t it? She looked at him with nervousness because she knew how he might take it, but she still felt that she should give him that push. She was urging him to move on. He went home every night and replayed their conversations from the day in his head, and he remembered every laugh, every smile, every moment that their eyes met, even the briefest ones. For the longest time he’s held on to the fact that maybe, just maybe, she did the same thing at night. Maybe she was lying in bed thinking of him and the things they talked about. Maybe she replayed their conversations in search of hidden meanings and truth behind the words that they had spoken to one another all day. But now it seemed clear that she didn’t. She was able to tell him to go – move on, and be happy. And for that she was a good friend, but as each day passed it was getting harder and harder to simply be her friend. He wanted more than that, and he was starting to face the fact that she just…didn’t.

At some point he would have to let go. At some point she would marry Roy and where did that leave him? Stuck at a job with a failing paper company pining after his best friend who was married and had once encouraged him to move on to other things. Other things that didn’t include being with her.

Fuck. No. He was not overreacting.

So he does it. He logs on to Monster.com and submits his resume for the job in Cumberland Mills. He feels a little rush as he does it, and he almost feels...free. Like, maybe he has finally taken a step in the right direction. But later that night when he goes to bed he's already slipping back into the habit he had developed and fine tuned over the past few years. He lays awake, on his back, staring at the ceiling, replaying her words over and over in his head . “Oh, hey, Jim. Wait, stop. Um, I'm sorry... for pushing you towards Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out.”

No, it probably doesn't mean anything. They're just friends, after all. Just friends.