Disclaimer:  I do not own the Office, or these characters.  I do not intend to profit from this posting.  No copyright infringement intended. 

Chapter 4

Jim left work a few minutes early, his head still pounding around the edges from the hangover.  He went for a run as soon as he got home, hoping to clear his mind.  He wasn’t sure what she wanted to talk about tonight, but he couldn’t help but hope that this meant something.  The trouble was that he couldn’t remember anything about the night before.  Nothing.  Just a sea of mixed up words, and dizziness, and nausea, and blackness.  As he ran, he tried to unjumble the words, but he couldn’t find the thread to start untangling the mess in his memory.  He got in the shower as confused as ever, letting the warm water soothe his tired muscles.

After getting dressed in his comfiest sweatpants and his favorite Death Cab t-shirt, Jim started to pace his apartment, trying to work up the nerve to call Pam.  It was nearly nine and he knew he had to call her soon.  He was slowly beginning to remember that they fought last night, and although he had a pretty good idea what it was about, he couldn’t be sure.  He was worried about what he did say to her, what he admitted.  Considering how drunk he was, he really couldn’t be held accountable for what he said.  After all, he woke up this morning on the bathroom floor.  Frankly, he was thankful he didn’t puke on the carpet in his bedroom.

He played with his cell phone watching as the minutes ticked past, his heart rate increasing with each minute, echoes of tears and screaming ringing in his ears.  At nine thirty, he dialed her number without thinking and nervously listened to it ring, willing himself not to hang up before she could answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey, its Jim.”

“I was beginning to think you were going to stand me up.”

“No, no just had some things to do tonight.”  He flinched, he hated lying to her.  But he was good at it, he had lots of practice.

“Oh, well, I just wanted to try talking when you weren’t incoherent.”

“Yeah, speaking of that, I don’t really know what happened last night.  But I think that I should probably apologize.”

“What for?”

“Did I yell at you?”

She smiled at the sound of his voice, tender and concerned, “There was yelling.” 

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to…do that.”

“I think we needed to do that.”  She emphasized the words, like she couldn’t bear to mention their fight in more concrete terms. 

 “I’ve never fought with you before.”

Pam reached for the pillow on her couch, pulling it tightly in a bear hug, “Yes you have.”

Jim settled into his couch, propping his feet on the coffee table in front of him, “When?”

“Remember?  You were mad about the internship?”

He nodded and then cleared his throat, which had suddenly become congested, “I was mad about Roy.”  Jim felt relief wash over him as he realized there truly was nothing left to hide.   

“No kidding.”  She said it sarcastically. 

He smiled at the familiar tone in her voice; he had missed talking with her like this.  “Well, yeah.  What can I say, my secret’s out.”  He had to roll his eyes at his own double meaning.

“Yep.”  She fidgeted with the hem of her tank top feeling suddenly self-conscious.  “So…”

She could hear him shifting on the other side of the phone and wished that he would say something, anything.  She cleared her throat, “I guess I don’t know where to start.”

“Well…”  He ran his fingers through his hair, searching for something to say that sounded right.  When nothing came, he grabbed for the first thought in his mind, “What did you call about last night?”

For no apparent reason, Pam felt like laughing at his statement, like all the drama of the last day had melted away into one big do over.  She let out a little giggle.

“What’s so funny?  Short term memory loss is no laughing matter Beesly.”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve been thinking about what you said last night all day and it’s somehow very funny that you don’t remember it.”

He picked up a water bottle that he had finished before calling and began to tear the label, “Funny ha ha or funny sad and deeply disturbing.”

She paused to consider, realizing how without noticing they had almost broken through the awkwardness, “It’s a toss up.”  She pulled a blanket over her feet.  “I called to tell you that I missed you.  And to tell you that Michael proposed to Carol.”  It was a deflection and she knew it, but she’d let him pick what he wanted to start with.

Out of habit Jim went for the easiest topic, “Did she totally freak?”

“You could say that…I think they broke up.”

“Poor Michael.  I can’t believe he did that.”  He shook his head sadly, wishing that Michael was a little less, Michael. 

“He was pretty pathetic, especially when he tried to kiss me.”

Jim snapped to attention, “What?  You totally skipped that part.”

“I’m trying to block it out.”

“Yikes.  I can see why.  That’s horrifying.”

“Tell me about it.  Anyway, I think he just needed someone and I was sitting there.”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure if you were Stanley he would have done the exact same thing.”  Pam laughed out loud, feeling for a moment like she had him back, just the way they used to be.  Jim relaxed back on the couch, enjoying their usual banter, so comforting, so familiar.  Sadly, he knew it couldn’t stay this way, so he took a deep breath and pushed them back into unfamiliar territory.  “So, you miss me?”

A shy smile spread across her face, now they were getting somewhere.  “Yes, Halpert, I miss having you around, especially on nights like last night.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose, “I think I asked you why that was.”

“Do you really have to ask?”

Something in the way she said it made him angry, almost like she was toying with him.  He steadied his voice, not wanting to fight with her again.  “Yeah, I do.”

“You’re my…”

“…best friend, I know.”  He sighed, right back to same place they started months ago.  He halfheartedly threw the empty plastic bottle across the room.

The silence began to spread out between them until it almost had a voice of its own.  Pam stood up to look out the sliding glass window that over looked a small courtyard below.  She could feel him slipping away again; she had to give him more. 

“Um, you know how you said, okay actually you don’t remember it, but anyway…”  she got flustered for a moment and stopped, taking a moment to study her own reflection hoping she could give herself courage.  “You said that you hear me in your head all day saying that I can’t.”

Jim leaned forward to study the floor feeling so vulnerable to her that he couldn’t breathe, “Did I?”  He paused, but started again in a whisper, “I guess, yeah sometimes.”

She winced at the distance in his voice, “I wish I could say I was haunted by one moment, but it’s not like that for me.  When you… left,” Pam paused, still feeling the pain from the day that Jim didn’t come back to the office, “I started thinking over everything.”

“Okay…”  Jim stayed still, afraid to startle her with any actual words, afraid she would stop talking. 

“Well anyway, I realized that I should have known.  I should have seen it in your eyes.  Maybe deep down I did.  I think about that a lot, why I didn’t realize it sooner.” 

Jim opened his mouth to say something but he was shocked.  He had wished so many times that he could just ask her about it, that she would tell him how they got to this point.  Now, she was talking and he couldn’t think of a thing to say.

“Anyway, I called last night to tell you that I miss you.    To explain that I hate that we don’t talk and that I can’t see you everyday.”

“Because we’re best friends.”

Pam shook her head sternly to her own reflection, silently preparing herself for a confession of her own. 

“Because you were right.”

Jim stood up and started to walk aimlessly around his apartment, “Right about what?”

“It was wrong of me to say you misinterpreted things.  But you scared me and honestly I didn’t know what to do.  And then you left.”

“I had to leave.  I had to.”  He paused, desperate to lighten the moment, “Have we had this conversation before?” 

He was relieved to hear her giggle, “Yes.  We have.”

He flopped back on the bed, “Felt like it.”  Like a pinprick to the back of his mind he remembered something she had said the night before.  “What did you mean when you said you talked yourself out of me?”

“I thought you didn’t remember anything.”

“I remember pieces.”

“I realized a long time ago that I had feelings for you.  A really long time ago.”  She paused to let the words sink in, thinking of stolen glances and pregnant pauses.

“Really?”  

“Yeah.”  She felt tremendous relief with each word, like she was slowly shedding a burden she’d carried for too long.  She wondered if this was what it felt like for him when he’d confessed.  “There were times when I wanted you to make a move, especially before Roy set the date.  But then you didn’t…and he did….”

Jim sat in silence, just listening to her ramble thinking of all the nights he wanted to kiss her, to tell her about his feelings, to hold her close. 

“Anyway, I was confused, but then you said you didn’t have a crush on me anymore…you know, that day when Michael outed you?”

He sighed, feeling the same fear as the day that they had that very discussion, “Yeah, I panicked that day.”

“Well, after that, I convinced myself that I had made it all up, that it was cold feet with Roy.  But you have no idea how much that hurt.  I felt like a silly girl with a silly crush.”

“I wish I had known.”

“Anyway, I knew you didn’t misinterpret things, I’m sorry I said that you did.  I didn’t mean to hurt you, you have to believe that.”  She took a few heavy breaths, trying to pull herself back together.  The last few moments had taken more strength that she thought it would and she felt exhausted.  “So…”

“So…where to from here?”

“I guess that depends.”  She settled back on her couch, tapping her finger on the pillow next to her.  “Where do you want to go from here?”

 “What are my options?”

She smiled into the phone.  They were so good at this dance, back and forth, closer together and farther apart, a dizzying and tentative waltz in circles.  With each loop they got closer and closer to each other.  She didn’t know whether he was ready to stop dancing, but she was more than ready.  “Is it too late for us?  To be more than friends?”  She added wanting to be sure he understood her.

He let the words sink in, feeling their meaning in his soul, “No, …not too late.”  He let himself enjoy the moment before reality settled in, the smile slowly fading from his face, “But, I don’t think it’s quite that easy.”

She fidgeted with the edges of her afghan.  “I know.”

They sat in silence again, this time in mutual understanding, neither one wanting to break the spell with details like the fact that they don’t live in the same state, or the fact that they had hurt each other so badly. 

“I mean, we have a lot to figure out I think.”  Jim was scrambling for words, needing her to understand, “but I really want to…figure it out…if we can.”  He unconsciously held his breath waiting for her answer.

“Yeah.  I know it’s complicated at this point.”  Pam let out a heavy sigh, “But I just wanted you to know that you weren’t wrong about us.”

He thought that “us” was perhaps the best word he had ever heard.  He smiled and melted into the bed, completely spent, “That’s good to hear.  I really didn’t want to be wrong about us.”  He yawned, feeling exhaustion overwhelm him, “Maybe I could call you tomorrow, I mean, if you aren’t busy.”

His tone was playful, and Pam tried to process the idea that he was actually flirting with her.  She felt butterflies begin to tickle her stomach, the excitement pressing and overwhelming.  “I’d really like that.”

“Me too.  And Pam?”

His voice was low, quiet, and she snuggled closer to the phone.  “Yeah?”

“I’m really happy you called.” 

“Me too.  Night, Jim.”

“Night.”

As he put his phone down, he shook his head in wonder.  He had not expected her call from today to turn into this.  Her voice still ringing in his ears, Jim wandered through his apartment, turning off lights, realizing that he really needed to clean up at some point tomorrow.   He had certainly let things go the last few months, he had let himself go.  He wrote himself a note to pick up kitchen cleaner and trash bags from the store tomorrow.   

As pulled his shirt off and settled into bed, he felt an incredible sense of peace deep in his chest.  He set his alarm clock, eager to get up in the morning and face a new day.