Ok, so the year didn’t end so miserably. I did end up with a sweet boyfriend. Roy tried so hard; I could tell he cared. Plus, it seemed like that irritated Jim, so it was a win-win.

It was summer vacation, and I headed back to art camp. However, Roy didn’t understand what was so great about drawing and painting. He always made me feel dumb over it, but I was already registered, so that I couldn’t cancel it. I don’t know; maybe he was right, I was only 11, and I had so much time if I wanted to do something else.

I was so young and so insecure that I clung to him. He wasn’t like Jim at all, he never made me laugh, and he never made me blush, but he was solid, stood by me, and it felt nice for someone to want to be with me and my flaws. So I seemed to settle, to accept that this was right.

Roy lived just a few blocks away, so he would come over a lot. Or I would go over there, so we spent a lot of time together. I went with him to his little league football games. I also watched whatever he and his brother Kenny were watching on TV when I was over. Plus, he took me to the movies; granted, they were ‘boy’ films, but we were spending time together. I didn’t notice that none of these things I had wanted to do, but I was trying to enjoy them.

When the summer was over, and we all headed back to school, I had no idea what to expect, whether Jim and I would be friends again or if that was lost entirely.

****

The lunch bell rang, and we all headed back to class. The morning had been fine for the first day, but it was missing something. Dwight was back in our class, and I was just waiting for Jim to do some pranks, but it didn’t look like he was going to. Maybe he’d grown up and out of that. I had had an excellent idea for Jim and tried telling him about it, it involved the CIA and secret missions, but he sort of blew me off. He said he didn’t feel like doing that kind of stuff anymore, so I just walked away from him, wondering where my friend had gone.

Roy never understood the pranks. He was more forward with his feelings. He would pick on Dwight, call him names and throw things at him; he didn’t get the intricacies of pulling off a successful prank.

Jim had seen Roy and me holding hands, walking back to class, and from where I was, it looked like he was hurt. I didn’t understand why he would feel that way, especially since he had Karen, but there was hurt across his face. I saw Karen reach for his hand, but he pulled it away and stuffed it in his pockets. If he and I were still friends, I would’ve been able to read him or at least asked him what was wrong.

We walked back into the classroom door, and Jim had his head down. Karen was trying to ask him something, but he shook her off, she stormed back to her desk, and they didn’t talk for the rest of the day.

I watched Jim’s neck (I was sitting behind him again) and tried to study it, figuring out what was bothering him.

During our study breaks, I went to his desk and reached out emotionally, craving those feelings we used to share.

“Hey”

He looked up at me; those big puppy dog eyes made my palms sweat. He didn’t respond. He just looked up.

“Um, what’s wrong? I just noticed you looked kind of down. Is everything…..ok?” I nodded in Karen’s direction, signifying my question about her.

He scrunched his face up. “Naw, nothing’s wrong; I’m good.” He licked his lips and looked back down at his paper.

I was staring at his mouth “oh ok, I just thought… you know, Um, I’d ask since we’re friends…..Right?” I was asking since I didn’t know.

“Right, no, right… friends, we’ll always be friends.” He said it like it was a bad thing. I didn’t understand why or how that could’ve been a bad thing. 

“Good, ok then. I guess I should get back to my desk.” I turned on my heels and headed back to my seat. When I sat down, I watched him. He had his head turned down and his pencil in his hand, but he wasn’t writing. He looked like he was staring; I wished I could’ve read his mind.

****

Valentine’s day for sixth graders was generally the same as the earlier grades, but I had a boyfriend this time. Roy and I weren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend last year, so I missed out on the excitement. This year was going to be different. I just knew it. 

I got to class before he did, and I watched as some other girls with boyfriends got bouquets of flowers or little boxes of chocolates. Some even got stuffed bears. 

Roy was one of the last kids to filter in the door after the bell rang, and my heart sank. He didn’t have anything in his hands. He looked up from the door and smiled at me. I didn’t have enough power in my body to come up with a reply smile, so I just nodded at him.

I looked down my aisle and saw Karen holding a single flower, it was a lily, and it was gorgeous. At that moment, I hated Roy. He owed me big time.

Well, it was time for us to pass out our cards, so the classroom broke into chatter. Kelly came running over to my desk, and I braced myself.

“OH MY GOD! Ahhh, Pam, you must see what Ryan got me for Valentine’s Day.” She sang the last two words, and I cringed out a smile for her. “OH, I totally forgot. What did Roy give you? Come on, show me.”

“Oh, um, he hasn’t given me his gift yet. I think he was going to wait till after school.”

“Wow, that’s not romantic at all.” No, I guess it wasn’t, but that was the only answer I could give. I didn’t want to tell her the truth and ruin her happy moment. I looked away from Kelly and saw Jim heading toward my desk. He had a white envelope in his hand. 

“Happy Valentine’s Day.” He smiled, but it felt forced. 

“Oh, thanks you too. I have your card here somewhere.” Kelly walked away from us while I dug through the cards I had yet to give. He shoved his hands into his pockets while I tried to find the card. I pulled out a similar white envelope and handed it to him. He took it, looking like he expected it to have something on it. This year it was just white, nothing added, nothing special, and the card inside just wished him a happy day.

“Thanks” He tapped it on my desk and turned away. As he returned to his desk, I slid my finger under the lip of the envelope he had just handed me and pulled out the little card.

On the front of the card was a cupid pointing an arrow at a heart. I flipped it over in my hands and read the scrawled handwriting.

To Pam, I hope you have a Happy Valentines Day Love, Jim.

LOVE? Do you think he meant love, as in I love you love, or just signing off a letter ‘love’? My mouth felt parched, and I looked up, hoping to see his face, but all I saw was his neck. What did this mean?

I sat looking at it for the rest of the day, never letting it out of my sight. That afternoon when Roy walked me home from the bus stop, I still had it tucked away in my pocket.