* * *
Wednesday
For the first time in a long time, I feel sort of optimistic that I’m making the right decisions. I’m back with Roy and it’s been really good. I don’t want to be all cliché and say he’s changed, but it really seems like he has. Roy still loves me, and I can’t believe I’ve been so blind. I broke up with him and moved out and I’ve barely talked to him for months, but still he’s there, wanting to be with me, trying to make me smile. I was a fool to give him up out of some misguided feelings I had for a guy who can’t make up his mind if it’s love or a crush.
I guess I was just idealizing Jim. He and I just got so close, and Roy and I were growing apart; so naturally things got kind of intense, emotionally, back before he left. But he’s with Karen now and he seems happy. The look on his face, the way he smiled down at her when they were dancing at Phyllis’ wedding, said it all. He’s over me, and I guess it was just a crush after all, since the kiss apparently didn’t mean anything to him.
It was just a kiss.
I don’t know how to believe that. But apparently that’s what he told her. Was he lying? My instinct tells me he was, but I can’t read him anymore. We don’t understand each other anymore.
Like today. He looked so hurt when I teased him about being the “boss.” He heard it as an insult instead of a joke, when I didn’t mean anything by it. Well, maybe it was meant to be a little barbed. Sometimes it’s weird seeing him act like the ARM, I guess.
Jim and Karen make a nice couple. He deserves somebody confident and beautiful and ambitious. I’m trying, and I’m proud of all the changes I’ve made, but I don’t think I’ll ever have the kind of steel I see in Karen. And maybe that’s better for him. She’ll give him the push he needs to get ahead. Like that cocktail party they’re going to tonight. I never in a million years would’ve thought Jim would want to go to one of those corporate schmooze-fests, but I’m sure he’ll make a bunch of new contacts and impress everybody like he always does. So, good for him. He deserves so much more than wasting away here doing cleanup for Michael.
Roy’s not Jim, and that’s okay. He doesn’t make me laugh like Jim used to, but he’s a good man, and he’s been trying so hard. He’s not perfect, but neither am I, and it feels good to be wanted. He’s never stopped trying to win me back, even when I was short with him and didn’t return his calls. And he’s been so sweet since we got back together, bringing me flowers and taking me out and calling me all the time. He’s got this shy uncertainty about him like he had all those years ago when we first started dating.
Of course, he’s not a completely changed man, and I can see that he really just wants to fall back into the old pattern. But I’ve figured a few things out and I’m not afraid anymore, and I won’t tolerate being taken for granted. I think if I’m more honest about things, like about how I feel and what I want, that it could be really great between us. Tonight, for instance. He was always weird about going out with people from the office, but I want to go out with my friends tonight and if he wants to be with me, he’ll be there.
Maybe things will start getting better now.
* * *
I don’t know what to think about anything anymore. All I know is that I am sick of talking about it. Karen knows I’m holding back, and the lying is starting to wear me out. Lying to her. Lying to myself.
It was just a crush. We kissed once. It was no big deal.
Lies, lies, lies.
And now, since Roy tried to take my head off, it’s set off another whole round of late-night talks and lies and sleight-of-hand. No, I don’t know what she could have told him. Nothing happened. I don’t know; we’re not really friends anymore.
Well, at least they weren’t all lies this time.
She said she’s sorry. She’s sorry. She waited all this time to tell Roy what happened between us, and now she’s sorry and I’m supposed to just…what? She had to have known what she was doing. Did she want him to kick my ass? Does she hate me so much for finally telling the truth? For ruining our happy little “friendship” with my inconvenient feelings? What the fuck? I cannot understand her at all anymore. I can’t fathom why she told him now, when she’s made it so clear it didn’t mean anything.
Maybe it did.
No. I wasted five years of my life thinking those kinds of thoughts. I can’t do it again. I won’t.
I have to get out of here. It was a mistake coming back here. I don’t know what I was thinking. Hoping. Whatever. But I can’t do this anymore. I have to separate myself from her, physically, emotionally, everything. I was just starting to remember how to really laugh again before I came back here, so I know it can be done. But not if I’m here. Karen keeps making remarks about New York and career moves and better opportunities; maybe I’ll start listening.
* * *
It wasn’t quite what I wanted to say. It wasn’t I’m in love with you, too; please say it’s not too late. Maybe I should’ve pulled him aside and told him what I really meant, but it wasn’t just Jim I wanted to say those things to, either. I’m sick of being invisible, I’m sick of being excluded, I’m sick of feeling like Cinderella picking lentils out of the fireplace while the stepsisters go to the ball. And I realize that my own timidity and uncertainty has played the larger role in that, but this is a good start. I said some things that needed to be said. I told him the truth, that I called it off for him. I asked him to come back. I don’t think he will, but I had to ask.
He got a haircut for the interview. It’s all smooth and up off his face. Corporate Jim. It’s like he’s already decided.
He and Karen are leaving early to go spend the night in New York. I can’t think about that. It actually hurts. Physical pain.
This must be how he felt. I understand, now, why he had to leave. If he gets the job in New York, I’m going to quit. I’ll just disappear, like he did, and start over. Like he did. My sister said I can stay with her for a while. She and Rich just bought a new house in Willow Grove with two extra bedrooms for the family they’re hoping to start soon, but there’s plenty of room for me to get on my feet in a new place.
I’ve been looking at the art program at Penn. I can take out some loans and get my BFA. I can teach art, or go even further; get my MFA and find a job in a gallery or museum. I can become someone else. I don’t have to be this person.
Jim taught me that much.
So I can be proud that I told him. I looked him in the eye and I asked him to come back, and now I have to respect his decision. The way he respected mine.
* * *
“You seem a little distracted, Jim.” Karen pulled away from me and sat back, crossing her arms over her chest, her expression a mixture of dismayed and irritated.
I sighed inwardly, leaning back against the headboard. “Sorry. Just…thinking about the interview, I guess.” Another lie.
“Worried?” She arched a cocky eyebrow at me and climbed back onto my lap, perching back on my thighs in a saucy pose meant to impress. Which, admittedly, it did. She was wearing the lime-green bra and panty set she’d picked up when Michael took all the ladies of the office to the mall that day, and the contrast against her mocha skin was just gorgeous.
She’s gorgeous. She’s smart. Witty. Upwardly mobile. She doesn’t make me laugh like Pam does, but I’m lucky to have her. She loves me, I think. She hasn’t told me that she loves me, but I haven’t said it to her, either. All things considered, I’m still amazed she didn’t just kick me to the curb after our first round of talks.
And I’m looking at her, gorgeous and smiling and wanting me, and I’m wondering what it was Pam had in her Victoria’s Secret bag that day.
It all feels like a mistake.
* * *
Author's Chapter Notes:
I can't wait till they start talking again.
My thanks to the mods for the ribbon! And my thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing. Makes my day.
Takes place between Cocktails and the Job, including a deleted scene from Cocktails.
My thanks to the mods for the ribbon! And my thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing. Makes my day.
Takes place between Cocktails and the Job, including a deleted scene from Cocktails.
Chapter End Notes:
Hmm. I wonder if anything will happen at the interview.
As always, thanks for reading. I'm hoping my view of what was going on in their heads is believable. Feedback, as always, is welcomed and appreciated!
As always, thanks for reading. I'm hoping my view of what was going on in their heads is believable. Feedback, as always, is welcomed and appreciated!
